Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The 'give and take'

He's at the door waiting to hear from us

It's late, after midnight, I need to sleep, but can't.  Not much has changed, the sitting and waiting is so hard.  Today, Cleveland Clinic surgery schedulers called to get me one more appointment with one of the surgeons for Thursday.  Also to make an appointment with internal medicine, and to get all my lab work done.  After I speak with the surgeon on Thursday I will have a better understanding of what exactly they are going to do to me, how they are going to do it, and to make sure my insurance is covering all of this.  I've always said that I believe everything happens for a reason, I know the Lord does not just toss us out into the world without an answer, but sometimes life does throw us under the bus.  Tonight I went in the bathroom and did my ritual of staring at my face and saying to my eyebrow "move" over and over when I had no luck there I did it with my eye "blink" over and over really concentrating with my brain on making my eye blink--it did two times--it is funny to watch me do it, but if a positive mental attitude can help me regain movement, even if just a little then I am successful and it tells me I have the strength to retrain my brain to get those wires reconnected.  One last try with my lip I say "smile" staring at the right side of my lip....I think I may have seen a slight movement...It may not happen today, but I believe when I least expect it, it will happen, I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait.  Sometimes I wonder if Heaven is even listening to me.  Do I need to change my prayers?  Tonight after my facial ritual, I sat on the floor of the small bathroom turned off the lights and prayed.  I know God has heard every prayer, Heaven often surprises me when I least expect it, because tonight I felt the spirit--yes, right there on the floor of a hotel bathroom.  Who would ever expect to get an answer to prayers while sitting on the dirty dark floor of a hotel bathroom?  Not me.

Today, I needed to go out and get some food for my hotel, a little girl was with her mom and grandmother, she was about 4 or 5 she pointed right at my eye as I walked in and said "hey, what's that on your eye, do you have an eye?"  Her mother was mortified, but I stopped her and said "Oh, I'm OK I just have a little boo boo, so I'm keeping it covered"  then she proceeded to show me her boo boo on the heel of her foot, the band aid was coming off, and she then told me "it's not a real boo boo, it's just for play"  I started to smile then realized that doing that would start a whole new conversation, so I just shook her hand and told her to have fun with her mom and grandmother.  They apologized, I told them they had nothing to apologize for, I appreciated her asking instead of staring--her little brain is learning and this is her way of processing boo boo's--they were very kind and apologized again as they walked away.
It's interesting how the Lord gives me sight when I can't see, the sight he gave me today was exactly what I needed.  He took  my doubt and replaced it with truth, He took my fear away and all I could feel was Him.  He takes me as I am, takes me by the hand He sees into my soul and He takes just what I need, so many times when He is refining me, leading me through the bitter sweet, I'm trusting him to make me complete.  I may never be the same Monya as far as my physical appearance, I know He sees my heartache, but He sends His sweet grace to help relieve me of those days when I feel my HOPE fading.  I know this 'give and take' that the Lord seems to be guiding me through over these past few years has blessed me to see that 'giving and taking' away are exactly what I need, to get me through those bitter/sweet times.  I'm hoping through this refinement I am going through now, He sees I am worn out, trying to keep up, and I can be left a lone for just a bit--I'm not sure how much more I can take.