Friday, June 6, 2014

It's not my time to go

I was hoping to get my picc line taken out today--NO SUCH LUCK--All the Cleveland Clinic doctors I see are out of town for a convention.  It was also a suggestion that I keep it in until my surgery.  I think I've finally made some decisions after talking to a few doctors, the proposal Dr. Barr's gave me is reasonable, however 3 doctors have told me that taking muscle from my tongue is a temporary fix and if I was an 80 year old women they may consider that option.  What they have seen work the best with someone who has a dead nerve like I do, is to take a nerve from my leg because it is the nerve that best replicates the nerve in my face. This can only be done if they find good nerves to work with in my ear. If there are no good nerves they will take a muscle from my arm and connect it, close off the right ear completely with some tissue from my arm and bring in 2 other doctors who will help assist with this process.  The plastics part of this surgery could be 6 months or more down the road.

When the ENT vacuumed out my ear and cleaned it up a little, he said the inner ear  looks good all he needs to do is clear a place in his schedule--This I will not know about until Monday.  This was good news, however I am still being cautious with my emotions, getting let down is so hard on me.  He was so reassuring to me that my face will not stay the way it is right now, drooped on the right side. He said there is so much that can be done with technology today.

Right now my head is on overdrive trying to keep up with my health  and  my Nerium business.   I'm thinking about giving up or quitting,  I'm gonna keep pushing forward, but there are times I can feel myself slipping, I know I need the Lord by my side.  I have to get constant reassurance from the Lord that I am doing what is best for me--I live by every word, every answer I get from the Lord.  I just need Him to let me know that I can do this, I would love to hear him say "your faith is bigger than your fear, and you can handle this"  Do you know how many times I have asked for the same things in the past 5 years?  I have made choices that led me to no where, but I had to find out myself when I arrived where I thought I was supposed to be, it was a closed door--then I would have to get back on my knees and ask again for the Lord to actually take my hand and lead me to where I was supposed to be. He sees the way I'm supposed to go, if He would just take my hand and lead me there I know I would be protected and safe, I would know exactly what to do.  This time it is different, I'm struggling, I wonder sometimes I've been forgotten, I wonder sometimes if I am even being listened to, it seems like the words are going to Heaven but the door is shut.  Sometimes I have to be told NO to understand the YES, and to realize sometimes my Heavenly Father says NO because he has a better plan for me.  It's just so hard sometimes to recognize the blessings that come in disguise, I have seen so many miracles happen in my life--I had a very spiritual experience happen while I was in the hospital, I don't feel comfortable sharing it right now, I shared it with my family the night before I came here to Cleveland.

All I know is that right now it is not my time to go to Heaven...the Lord has work for me to do here on earth, which is why not getting clear answers is so difficult.  I have no doubt He loves me, He always will, through the good and the bad.  Fear gives me doubt sometimes then I learn that the doubt is because of my fear--I felt like I was finally in a good place in my life,  I have studied the Lord's love for all of His children, it is so hard to comprehend, I guess the only way to maybe come close to understanding that unconditional love is to have a child of your own.  Never in a million years would I have imagined or thought I would be sitting in a hotel at 1:00 am across the street from a hospital wondering if the Lord is listening to me, does He know I need these answers?  In this early morning hour I am sitting in a bubble bath wondering if I have been abandoned by Heaven--realistically I know that is not true--many people are praying for me--I have prayed for me, I've prayed for Him to take me on His wings and take me away, like I can't do this anymore, I just want His sweet peace to pour over me and heal my soul,  I wish I could physically have His arms wrapped around me, give me some warmth, I want to go to the place where He can heal me, he's done it with other people, I need his mercy and grace to take me away, lead me to that place where I can feel no pain, no decision making.

Why can't my life ever just be normal?  I have praised Him for every miracle that has come to me, I have given all I have to the Lord, and He has lifted me to higher ground and allowed me to see miracles happen--for some reason it is not happening as fast as I need it to--have I not done enough to be worthy of this request--I put my face in a pillow and screamed as loud as I could tonight--what am I doing or not doing to get the answers I need?