DANG VILLAIN

Today I was diagnosed by my oncologist with the 1st stages of Osteoporosis, and arthritis in my lower back. WOW I did not see that one coming, I should have, it seems that everything they have told me I "might" get I have gotten. I really don't know whether to scream or cry...... well actually I did allow myself to cry a little tonight on my way to work, and it felt good. Eric is out of town so I don't have anyone to cry with....ha ha ok enough of the pity party, I'm good now its been a few hours and I can breathe.

I was excited to see the doctor today because I wanted to see if the labs would show how hard I have been working on not eating sugar, flour or processed foods ... surprise is he didn't say one thing about that except that "oh you've lost some weight" I thought "seriously? .... thats it? thats all he has to say about that? who cares about my weight what about the fact that I have been in deprivation of sugar for 4 months?" (except for that little trip to Paris .... I didn't tell him about that)

I knew right away that things were not going good when he said "soooooooo, young lady, really, how have you been feeling?" it really wasn't WHATT he said but more of HOW he said it that made me feel like some bad news was coming down the pike. I told him the usual stuff, my lower back hurts sometimes, that my legs and hips hurt all the time, making it difficult to exercise and that my fingers go numb once in a while, also my lymphodema acts up and my arm swells up especially now that I am on the computer at work for long periods of time, and let's not forget about MR. HOTFLSASH he and I have become well acquainted "well..." he said in his low doctor voice "we need to go over your labs" there it is ....here it comes ..... the bad news is on the tip of his tongue I just know its coming,,,,,, finally it did ...showing me the x-rays which by the way are now so clear its like a real picture of my spine, back and bones. he begins to explain the pain in my hips and legs are in part because of the neuropathy I got during chemo, but we have a new problem Osteoporosis caused from the Arimidex I'm taking, something I was told today I will be on indefinitely for the rest of my life. The Arthritis in my lower back was caused from the Chemo Treatments I received. DANG DANG DANG VILLAIN I seriously don't like you!!!!

He continued by telling me how sorry he is to have to tell me this because he knows I am working so hard to do everything possible to not have recurrance and being such a good patient. He told me about a patient he just met with who is diabetic and has cancer but who refuses to know her insulin counts, he said I will probably be stuck with this patient for 30 years continuing to tell her what to do to save her life and she won't take one suggestion, then I have you who does more than what I tell you do and you are faced with another hurdle. I wanted to say "you're right, so what do we do about it?" but I didn't I just stared at him with some stupid look on my face.... he was sitting right in front of me and I was seriously tempted to kick him.... hard.

Just once I want to go to MAYO and get some good news ..... it will come right? I can't tell if the VILLAIN is winning or if I am winning anymore. The Arimidex blocks estrogen and is exactly what stage 3 CANCER patients take to HELP them survive the VILLAIN, but on the flip side of that I guess patients have to live with the sometime consequences. DANG IT, I hope this does not keep me from being able to do everything on my bucket list...doctor said within 10 years I will be IN FULL BLOOM OSTEOPOROSIS ..... I so want to serve a mission with Eric, I want to run a marathon how can I do these things if I am crippled? It just testifies to me more that I need to get everything done in my life that I want to do as fast as I can so I can enjoy it. I'm still planning on training for that marathon next year. Blessings will come, I just have to remember, if not in this life they will come in the next as long as I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ.