Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was reality I have a hard time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery done on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as a drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "....I would not, actually WILL not ever have elective surgery, that was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had 5 this year and actually thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good, except for  the right side is a little off centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have every great intention that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.   The fact that I am alive, working, trying my best to be OK with me, not the physical me but the whole self. The parts of my inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess, has been a long on going process"  the tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to be composed. ...."My skin looks good because of Nerium, and the self help I've gotten since my facial paralysis comes from reading books like The Slight Edge, Live Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no.... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic doctors out there who can help you"

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and I but,  as much as I didn't want this to effect me, it did.  When I got off work I went home looked at my face in the mirror and like I do everyday I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes--actually it was pretty funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up over and over again I did that, saying "smile dang it...."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will take her a copy of The Slight Edge and a Live Happy Magazine.

Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES.... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on the age, the people in my life at the time and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white.  I will never forget seeing the movie for the 1st time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkey's, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over, the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tips, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows.  When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy

What the heck is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultra sound too, it sure didn't look like this though.  It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.

I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian, they have been married over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over daddy day care... ?

He looks just like Brian

especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our 3rd grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... well except maybe me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved, our family is so excited in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say good-bye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, I love you"

I'm trying ....

I have missed out on a few blog posts so today I will probably post 3.  First I went to Cleveland Clinic had my surgery with Doctor Gastman then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting really good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him.... "You made a mistake on your blog, that was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the mis count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" so there you have it, yes I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me, and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down to earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone on conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes, learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (this is not the case she had about 800 people on that call)  I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Graceful and gently she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 month's that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person, to learn that when I fall I can be lifted up and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be lead and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy, and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery, but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Probably not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of no where he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" a little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for a complete physical healing.  I have definitely felt broken, alone and misunderstood. To finally say out loud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physician's have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much  hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficult was.

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful"  for some reason that "....but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and really just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

Well I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what is coming up, I tried to focus on more positive thoughts. If any of you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one, please send me your address, it cost you nothing, but will enhance your life, tremendously, I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments.  It is extremely cold here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to.  Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery, I reassured my surgeon I am flying home on Saturday, his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I need to be with my family. One great thing, I am flying in 1st class, drugged up and will hopefully feel no pain.

I would be remiss to say, over these past 5 years I have been so blessed with positive influences, prayers, sincere friends I like to call  family, over and over again they never seize to amaze me with their receptive compassionate ability to feel my vulnerability.  There are so many who struggle privately, I would be one of them, however I don't have that pleasure, the obvious insecurity and self doubt I have has been public, but has helped me to develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and  quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do and I HOPE for some relief to your pain.

Life is so full of ups and downs, no one is perfect, no situation is always perfect, but for me, right now I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person not an object.  I love who I am becoming, and realize I have much more to work on.  The beauty of this life, is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to  tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

I love my sisters deeply, they sometimes are the people I know understand thoughts feelings and emotions that frquenly.  We all need someone to talk to , someone who really truly understands.  For parts of my life Sonya and Kris have been my people. For most parts Eric, my eternal partner understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement.  Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, you could say I am blessed in abundance.

Brain Scan-Mayo Clinic

I arrived at Mayo Clinic early this morning, and can I just say that the people who drive to work between 7-8 am everyday......I am so sorry.  It was stop and go the entire way to Mayo Blvd.  I will be getting  brain scans every 3 months FOREVER.  All that really is, is an MRI, 45 minutes of pounding, and hammering on my brain--I survived, not my favorite thing to do, but necessary for Dr. Barr's to see what is going on between my ear and my brain.....not much.

Let me explain this doozie.  When I arrived at the hospital they took me in to prep me for the scan.  Included in the visit is an IV.  I warned the nurse not to use anything less than a 22 needle, and to not use my left arm, wrist, or hand.  She smiled and assure me she knew what she was doing. I then announced "Please listen to me, I know.........." then she plunged the size 20 needle into my left hand, immediately I concluded "you just blew out my vein" The nurse then said "How did you know what size needle to use?"  "This is not my first rodeo, after 5 years of being poked and prodded I've learned the left side has no veins left,  if you had let me finish before you  stuck me I would of let you know, 

my experiences have taught me" She then advised me "Since you've had a port on your right side, you shouldn't use the right side, I'm sure your oncologist has told you not to use the right side for at least 10 years, since your lymph nodes were removed?" "Um, no he has never told me anything like that" "Who is your oncologist?" I looked up just in time to see a familiar face, and she recognized my face also.  Beaming, I said "Lindsay right?" she reached in to hug me, "Yes, how did you remember my name?" "I'm not sure, I just did, but I'm not sure why, or who you are" a few small laughs.  She then affirmed  "I was your nurse on the 5th floor, when you had your nerve go dead, how are you doing?" "I am fantastic, except for this blown out vein ...... just here for a brain scan" "Oh dear, I'm sorry about the vein, let's see if I can get a smaller needle and use the other hand" The previous nurse disappeared and Lindsay finished up.  What a great surprise, I love when I get the pleasure of running into the great staff who have served me over the years.

One of the reasons I love Mayo Clinic so much they always have my results the same day.  I ate lunch, then met with Dr. Barr's.  He is so great, always has a big smile and a sweet compassionate heart.  The results of the brain scan looked good, the cholesteatoma has no regrowth, there was a little liquid build up, but nothing for me to worry about.  Dr. Barr's took time to talk to me about the facial paralysis, he wanted to know how I am dealing with it.  It's hard to say I'm OK with it, I'm not.  Of course I wish things were different, I explained I am trying to deal with 'being OK' if the nerve does not fuse back together.  I added, I'm not used to people looking at me then quickly looking away, I have gotten to the point that I look away now, so they will not have to be uncomfortable.  He then looked at me with his big smile and acknowledged what I was feeling was normal, but that he loves who I am, my personality and my heart.  I have to admit, it was a good boost for me, I needed to hear exactly what he had to say.

I will be going to Cleveland Clinic next week for some more surgery on my eye, I think when I get home I will be finishing all the rest of my surgeries up at Mayo Clinic.

Trusting

I believe the worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them with.
There have been times when my doubt has been as wide as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain.  Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two amazingly beautiful boys.  Recker is almost 5 years old, it's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be 2 in February, he's been a spunky, smily fun babyboy.  These little angels have brought more joy to my life than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love is contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old he was diagnosed with Autism, he is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes.  The past 5 years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy.  Something I don't even try to understand, all I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would have not made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism.  I was so sure he was just fine, he was making animal noises, something Recker never did, he could point to the different parts of his body, again I don't remember Recker doing that.  Over the past few months Ezra has started to regress, although Kayla was trying her hardest to prepare us, it could be true, I just didn't want to believe it, after all Ezra was doing everything different, until he didn't, and little by little he has become distant.
Kayla did everything different with her pregnancy, thinking maybe it would be different, Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did, she just did everything different--Now we know, his diagnosis comes as a shock to Eric and I, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to  prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this

Recker lives in an awesome world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out I just wanted to scream "WHY?" I still do, I am hurt, angry, sad and blessed all at the same time, these mixed emotions have rocked my little world, and is going to take a few days, weeks or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child come true.  This does not mean they do not love their boys, they love them more than life, but not to hear your child say "mom, or dad" is heart breaking.  They need time to mourn, I guess we all do.

I don't  in any way shape or form believe these boys are doomed, that they will not have a future that is anything less than we, as family teach them.  I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and to others.  In fact I believe through their journey, they will be the ones who against odds will teach us, through their sweet spirits they will teach us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear and the unknown but I know one thing for sure and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father send those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is, but have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun, it is mis-understood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism,  all I really know is that nothing for me changes, I love them unconditionally, I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to a place where I want to be HEAVEN.

The truth stings

Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman's pain clinic today at Mayo.  I love my doctors, he is a good man, they all are.  Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue  I won't address unless it get to at least on an 8 on a scale from 0-10.  The medicines for pain I despise.  When I walked into the hospital today I immediately looked to my left, this is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her, and I was jealous, I wished it had been me.  I'm not afraid to die, but enjoy life right now too.

Mayo Clinic "the place"

The nurse came in with  Dr. Freeman  asks my name, birth date and asks "what are we doing for you today?" ha, umm for me or to me? without hesitation I reply "hurting me to take away my pain" how weird is that statement?  They both, not knowing how to respond say "where are we going to hurt you today" laughter "in my hip and lower back" He gives me trigger spot shots, and when he does he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is.  Every time he does that I want to come off the table, he always says "almost done, I'm sorry it hurts"  I have not seem him since my surgery in at Mayo Clinic in the Spring, we were able to have a good private conversation about how I'm really doing.  That one is so hard to talk about, I'm not sure how I am doing, in comparison to what?

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying really busy, working at US Airways, I have the best management and supervisor I could ask for, they really care.  Also, working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with, if my face has to stay the way it is right now, am I going to be OK with that? I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel, but at times I am lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library, online and trying to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this--NOTHING--I guess I understand a little more about what Dr. Barr's was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason.  This is not like having a stroke or Bell's Palsy where the nerve is damaged,  and WILL eventually snap back, this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again, or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like--and it's mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a live nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it will grow together with the nerves on either side.  IF this works,  we will not see any results for a year, and I will maybe get 30% of facial movement back.  If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline pull my face back and take nerve from my left side of my head and connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year.   I'm not sure I want to go through that again.  Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me, not getting results or answers is frustrating, wanting to say "WHY" is realistic on some day's.

Getting to hear for the 1st time in 48 years was fantastic, I heard things I'd never heard before, sounds most people I know take for granted.  That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had, without a doubt the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby.  What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my new exciting news was quickly turned to sadness.  Actually hearing what people say about me, it hurt, none of them were saying it to hurt me in fact none of them know I could hear it,  and they all were saying it out of love for me--still the sting of truth hurts. Going to the store, watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact I've been able to get used to, but now hearing opinions I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted, the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper, or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead what I heard was "I feel so sorry for her" "She is so strong" "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don' think her face is ever going to be the same"  "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tears ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from.  We have cubicles where we sit,  I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see, and took my BAJA off.  I haven't worn it since that day to work.

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for year's, it's getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation.  Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancer's and
can pinpoint to  99.9% . 

I am the one who get's to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be and who I decide to share my light with.  I love my co workers, I love my family and friends, but I need to be OK with 'me'.
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do I can't wear the BAJA.  I pick and choose,  and I'm taking it slow, because sitting in this moment right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before.  My heart has never beat so hard in my chest than it has in the times when I've been wearing the BAJA.  I feel blessed to know, the people around me are sincerely my friends, they are kind and loving, at least nothing bad was said--just the truth--the truth I was not prepared to hear.  Reality is, I need to work on me, on my confidence, get rid of the negative and concentrate on the positive.  There's a fire in me that I can never deny, I know He lives and He loves me.  It is my faith and my hope over the years that has given me such peace, given me strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life.  However, I've tasted the truth and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing, maybe I needed a taste of reality.  It's just going to take some time to process what it is He wants me to learn.

Off of my balcony in my bedroom, the moon
is beautiful tonight, this picture does
not do justice.  It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GOEGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing.  I have so much to be grateful and have been blessed with a good life---music touches my soul and helps me to heal.  It's just a longer process this time.

Halloween 2014

Recker Loves Papa and Pizza

Brian and Kaitlyn--Old Couple--She's pregnant
How'd that happen?

Brad and Betty Walmart Greeters
Haleigh & Scott

Ezra the Lion

Something Amazing

I AM ADDING THIS TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE RECEIVED SOME EMAILS. I GUESS I DID NOT EXPLAIN IT ENOUGH, FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE 3. IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR.  MY LEFT EAR I HAVE BEEN USING TO HEAR WITH FOR ALL THESE YEARS, IT'S MY GOOD EAR, THE ONE I CAN NOW HEAR OUT OF, EVEN THOUGH THE IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING, THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something amazing happened to me.  I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, I met with Kelly Conroy in the hearing department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to my implant.  I was not prepared for what would happened, I normally go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see, I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the 3rd floor then I need to prepare myself.
I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's literally been almost a year since my implant was placed,  so much has happened since then, the Baha has not been on my mind.  Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, one that I really needed right now.  I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with, she was so compassionate and loving.
Kelly placed the device on my implant then made some adjustments on her computer to customize the hearing device to my hearing needs.  What happened next was simply amazing, I wish I had it on video, or that Eric could have been there to share it with me.  When she activated the device I could hear everything so clear and crisp, I smiled, we sat and talked for quite awhile so she could make sure it was working well.  We both cried as I explained some of my feelings I've had this year. This was not even the amazing part, because we were in a closed small office it did not register with me that I could actually hear things better, until I got to my car.
I opened the door to get in the front seat, when I started the car my music was so loud, I quickly turned it down, I smiled, backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking, I pulled over and asked him if he needed any help.  He was so out in the middle of nowhere, I was worried for him.  He assured me he had AAA on their way, and thanked me.  I wondered "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion, I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wild flowers, never before had I seen anything more beautiful, I looked to the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds and cried, I heard a bird chirp it was absolutely beautiful.  All these years I thought I knew what that sounded like, but today it was clearer than I had ever felt it or heard it.  I knew at that moment and time, He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, He loves my biological father Colby Belshe.  I could feel his presence, this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert I could feel that finally Colby was happy, his daughter could hear.  Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, I had forgiven him I don't ever remember being angry with him, not hearing was all I ever knew, I had told him many, many times I was OK, that I didn't blame him, but even to his death I believe he took that guilt with him.  Today, that is over for him, he watched me, I felt him and I know he is now able to move on.  Thank you Heavenly Father for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up and got back in my car, called Eric and could not believe how loud he was, I smiled tears running down my cheeks I smiled.
When I got home, this is when the real magic happened for me.  I opened the door and I heard the door knob turn, I smiled, when the door shut behind me I screamed it was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I have "Happy" as my ring tone, I about jumped out of my own skin, but I smiled.  Walking across my wood floors I heard every step, in the kitchen I opened the microwave and shut it several times to hear the sound, did the same thing with the refrigerator, I smiled.
When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, I smiled.  I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, all alone just the way it should be, I'm sure it was not too pretty.  I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it, all I could say was thank you, thank you so much for this unexpected miracle.  Tonight I pulled the string on the dental floss and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before, I did it over and over again until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was amazing, I heard every crinkle, and I smiled.  I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, at such a critical time in my life.  I wanted to shout it out on the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME.  I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care, I couldn't help it.  Nothing, and I mean nothing is as beautiful as being able to hear everything, all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things.  I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me....I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
a part, Yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before, I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby too as he has suffered with this guilt for so long, I am so happy for him too.  I cannot stop crying, I am just so blessed, the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight.  I just want to open and close things, I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that, I thought I loved those belly laughs before but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted.  So if you see me tear up, I'm ok I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do, what I am supposed to be learning, and maybe I will still continue to ask, but not today, today I am grateful, this is a feeling I will never ever forget.