Friday, January 30, 2015

Begging vs Believing

When Haleigh was about 13 years old she asked Eric "Dad, when I get my driver's license will you buy me a car?"  Eric said, "Yes we will have a car for you to drive"  I remember this because I told Eric, "I wish you wouldn't have promised her a car, we are going to have to hear about it for 3 years now. What if your situation changes and you can't keep your promise?"  Eric looked at me and said "I always keep my promises"  I was dreading having to listen to Haleigh constantly ask about that car.  To my surprise she never asked again, she talked about how happy she was about the prospect of her drivers license and the freedom she would have, but never asked about the car.

I have often thought about that.  Eric was so confident he would be able to provide a car for her to drive he felt comfortable making a promise.  She believed him, he had never lied to her before.  I think I know Eric well enough to know if Haleigh had continued to bug him about the car for the next 3 years he would have been hurt or annoyed.  The hurt may have come as a result of her not trusting in his word.  The annoying aspect of this equation is obvious.

So many times I have asked in Faith for the Lord to heal me.  He heard me the 1st time, he also knew the answer before I asked it.   The very 1st time he heard my prayer, the miracle was in motion.  He never said it would be easy or quick. Maybe what I thought was my question was actually me begging.  He probably thinks "Why is she asking me this again, I already answered her. Does she not believe me?"

Lazarus was dead for days when Jesus thanked Heavenly Father for bringing him to life before it actually happened.   My mind tells me somethings are impossible.  Maybe I need to have more faith and thank Heavenly Father for the answers before they come.  Having faith means I cannot see the answer,  but I believe He will provide the answer. Heavenly Father already knows and he has given his word.  He must feel bad when I beg and plead with him.

 I've been getting all my initial pre-operative work done this week.  Did I mention, I'm having surgery on February 6th? This will be my 23rd surgery in less than 5 years.  A huge part of me wants to completely check out.  I'm so done with hospitals, surgery and doctors. The other side say's "It's not your time yet, I can do all things through Christ"

Trying to find a vein today the RN asked me "do they usually have a hard time finding your veins?" I smiled and politely replied "Yes, they usually do" She was frustrated, after the 6th poke she said "I'm going to try one more time if I can't get a draw back I will go get someone to help me"  She finally had to take the blood out of the upper part of my arm just below my elbow.  Painful?  Yes it was, but I was calm.  I asked her just before she rolled me into the CT scan if she would shut my right eyelid.  She did, what a job, was my thought.  When the contrast entered my body a sudden warmth penetrated every cell in my body.  It's a strange sensation, my fingers tingled, I felt like I needed to pee and my ears were burning.  This was all done at the Maricopa County Hospital.  My  surgeon is employed by Mayo Clinic in Rochester, but does trauma surgery at both Mayo Clinic and Maricopa.  More about him later, I am blessed once again with an incredible surgeon.

I left Maricopa Hospital and went to the Mayo Clinic Hospital to get the rest of my pre-operative work done.  Time to collapse some more veins.  I was dreading going into the blood lab, knowing they would have a hard time finding a vein.  Another 7 or 8 pokes, she finally got a smaller needle, which was what I had asked her to do in the beginning..... no one believes me.  She finally found a working vein on the side of my left hand close to my wrist...painful?  Umm.... yes but grateful she found one.  She had tears in her eyes.  I told her it was ok, she said it looked like I had been poked earlier.  I told her I had she said she couldn't believe how calm I was.  I left there sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel and cried just a little.

I just need to believe the Lord is on my side, He knows what is best for me.  Put it in his hands and let it go.  Today, I will thank him for the healing that's coming my way.


Michelle said...

I really love that analogy Monya, with Hailey's car and "begging" the Lord. I have thought about that before and you expressed it so clearly. Thank you for sharing and for your example of faith. I'll be praying for you this week for sure!