In 2011 I learned it's OK to admit when I'm scared, I learned this from my daughter Kayla, when she explained to me how odd I acted when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Any person who has had a serious illness can understand what I am about to say--and to the rest I hope you can respect it. The experience can be very lonely, it can strip you of your dignity, emotionally drain you and leave you feeling depressed and loaded with anxiety--I'm not sure why this happens but it is normal, I was NORMAL. However, I will say this.... the more you are surrounded with family and people who love you, I mean really, really love you the more connected you feel, the more you want to fight. Even if you have to give up your lifestyle from "before cancer" as a patient you need to feel like you are part of the CLUB-the club where all the living are--it helps to hear and see lives moving forward and progressing--I guess what I'm trying to say is I get scared but I don't let fear rule my life.
In 2011 my son Blake taught me, he taught me I can do hard things..we all can accomplish hard things. I think I thought my battle with cancer ended when I finished chemo and radiation, actually that was only the beginning, it was a huge hurdle to get over and I seriously thought I had won. The headaches, the back and hip pain, nausea, insomnia, injections, viles of blood taken, procedures, scans and all the other physical pains are just minor battles, I have learned to devote what strength I have to the most important things of life, having meaningful relationships with my family, my husband, children and those who care. Journaling feelings, thoughts and desires are important for my family and heritage to read after I am gone. My son is an incredible example to me of someone who knows the importance of these things, he lived without a hug from his mom for 2 years, he devoted all he could to the people of the Dominican Republic he conquered and returned with honor, I am grateful for all he has taught me.
This past year I learned to laugh, the importance of it. Laughter is a life pleasure, I love to see Recker laugh, especially when all his teeth show, I can't help but laugh too. No matter what is happening in life, there are still plenty of reasons to laugh, I hope I never let a time pass when given the opportunity to laugh, don't let those times pass--reach out and grab them, laugh with all your heart.
I spent New Year's Eve and day with Recker, Kayla, Jeremy, Blake and Chloe, kind of a last minute decision we are in Mexico. I am grateful today for a new year, new goals and the opportunity to learn from what I have experienced. It's exciting to look ahead, not knowing what this new year will bring. I am dedicated to a new year of learning, giving and sharing--I want to make a difference in the life of someone this year--
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