Thursday, June 3, 2010

I didn't choose the VILLAIN it chose me

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was just to check and make sure my skin was healing properly and to see about my side-effects. She said I am healing very well and that the side effects that I am experiencing are normal ... mostly fatigue, insomnia and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering head ache it's been 6 days now she said it was not related to the radiation, so I need to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a huge fan of the anxiety, I am so amazed at the amount of pain, stress and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing, well actually I think the human mind is amazing. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal, I am a firm believer of that. I have tried so hard through this journey of mine to remain calm and relaxed, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broke down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continues to be on my mind, it's really sad but during the past 10 months there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to the VILLAIN.
This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror, where am I? why am I allowing this awful VILLAIN to take over my life and define me right now? I've been really fighting it, but I think because of the recent public embarrassments I am feeling insecure about myself. Today Eric and I were at SUBWAY eating lunch and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding, he became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It's hard for me to see him cry, I don't want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying he said "I feel so bad for you, I don't ever want someone to treat you badly, I just love you so much" and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning, trying to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is my new life I didn't choose it, I wouldn't of chosen it but for some reason it chose me and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Somedays are harder than others, tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I do not know you, but I love you. You looks so brave, and gorgeous. I really wish I could meet you. If you ever just need to vent you may email me, Barbiiedollkass@live.com You really are an amazing, strong, beautiful women. :)

Tracey said...

I love reading your thoughts.... You continue to amaze me. You are beautiful inside and out!
xoxo

Anonymous said...

I wish I was there this morning when you were sad. I love u Moaners.

J

Kristi & Austin said...

I love that you are so honest and express what you are "really" going through. YOu have so many people praying for you! We all LOVE you!

*Tawny* said...

Love you Monya! :) This post brought tears to my eyes, you and eric are seriously one of my favorite people I know. I have told Logan that over and over again :) You are beautiful in every way both inside and out and your amazing in thousands of different ways! Hair or no hair it doesnt change the person YOU are inside or out, still beautiful!! I love you :)