Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Defusing Fear

I wonder can we ever completely heal from deep wounded scars that have effected our lives? I thought I was over some of those fears and childhood traumas that I went through. I went to counseling, I prayed almost as hard as I have the past year to help me to forgive. At times it felt as though these events in my life were holding me back, like the events were huge metal screws fastening down a large metal plate crushing my desire to live. It took me years to finally turn it over to the Lord and let him take this pain from me. I finally got to a place of forgiveness and even began to pray for the perpetrators. When one of the perpetrators died I was at his bedside and it was healing for me. Even though I had forgiven him, I did not see him for over 15 years until the day he died, and he was not conscious so it made it easier for me. I didn't want to go, so I prayed and the the answer came that I should go , a year and 1/2 later I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN. I say this last part because in reading the Anti Cancer there were a couple of chapters that were difficult for me to read without getting emotional. I have read them over and over again marked them highlighted them. The man who wrote this book is a clinical professor of psychiatry, he has counseled with thousands of VILLAIN patients and seems to know his stuff, he hit so much of these feelings I have had over the years right on the nose. He said that trauma in VILLAIN patients can feed the VILLAIN, that so many times people think they are past it, over it but in reality it is still on their mind and still living with it to some degree. I could not believe this when I read it, this is my life he's talking about. It almost made me want to look around and see if there were hidden cameras watching me, how could he know this about me? Although, I have forgiven there are not too many days that go by that I don't recall painful events in my life, the trauma I felt as a young adult being home with my little brother when he died, my parents were out of town and he was only 15. I think about that all the time. Not having my mom in my life for over 17 years now has been unbearable at times, this has been trauma at it's worst. I wonder all the time if I handled these events right, even having confirmation from the Lord and leaders in my life I still think about it and wonder if I could of done something different. During my 20's I went through another horrible trauma that I won't post details about but it changed my life. I'm deaf in one ear because of a traumatic event that took place in my life. I forgave my birth dad for abandoning me, but I spent most of my life in anger and fear because of it.

There was a study done by Barb Anderson a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. She observed 227 breast cancer patients for 11 years they all had either stage 2 or 3 BC.  They all had received conventional treatments. They were all told about nutrition (Anti Cancer recommendations) about exercise and they all learned how to avoid stress in their lives with simple yoga exercises. The results were remarkable, The group of women who practiced all they were taught and made lifestyle changes had a 56% lower mortality rate. Another study showed 9 out of 10 women who had BC (out of 4000 women interviewed) had some type of traumatic event happen in their lives. WOW .... that is huge to me. Mostly because when I look at the risk factors for BC I have none of them, I have always been physically fit, an athlete, I have eaten pretty good... well with the exception of liking refined sugar and white flour in my baked goods... ha ha but I have always been able to control my portions. I am not obese, I didn't start my period before the age of 12 in fact I didn't start until I was a junior in high school, these are all mentioned in the risk factors none of them apply to me. So I guess my question to myself is how do I completely purge myself of all the trauma I have experienced in my life so that I can live a stress free life? Is it possible to do? It's time for me to stop thinking of this as if I am a simple observer, looking on as if it were another little girl it happened to, and look at it for what it is, or was...... FEAR has paralyzed me for too long.


Angela Brian said...

monya. i love this post. it is so heartfelt and honest.

at first when i read this i thought "i wish i had advice for her".

but soon realized you are the one giving the advice. you make me understand what negative thinking can cause. the bad memories aren't helping me or my body. i too need to get rid of the ucky thoughts.

get rid of the bad to make room for the good.

Tracey said...

I loved this post and am a total believer of how your mental, physical & spiritual health are all completely connected! Thanks for your input.
xoxo Tracey

tamy scheurn said...

That is one CUTE missionary!I love it when I see mmissionaries "SPRINT" or should I say work hard every minute as they are in the feild! I pray Rhett will be a "SPRINTER"!