Love This Boy

Recker at the Hospital

This is my grandson Recker. Kayla had to take him to the Hospital and have some tests run for his Petite Mall Seizures. I cried when I first saw this picture. It's hard to see him like this because he is so sweet and happy all the time.

Blake

It's 3:18 in the morning, I cannot sleep so I am going to try and post. The blessings that come to a family when they have a son serving on a mission are incredible, In some ways I feel like he has been blessed even more than we have. He has learned to rely on the Lord for his comfort and strength. This is a huge step for him, he has struggled in the past with reliance on anyone and questioned his faith in life and in the Lord. As his mission continues we see great stride in his commitment and sacrifice to the service he is doing. He had a baptism last Saturday, they baptized Wellington a 17 year old boy, Blake loves him. It's amazing how close he gets to all the people he works with, the Lord is truly blessing him and watching over him. Elder Smith was transferred yesterday, Blake is now the senior companion and will be speaking only Spanish for at least the next 6 weeks since his companion speaks no english. These are a few of the pictures he sent yesterday:
Elder Smith and Elder Blake

Elder Williams with some local children (I think)

Elder Smith, Wellington and Elder Williams

The day of Wellington's baptism: Ernesto and Nuirka on the left (he is teaching them right now) some of the ward members showed up and the Branch President, Elder Smith, and Elder Williams

Blake being Blake with that creepy look he used to give his sisters to freak them out

The Baptismal Font notice it is outside

This is Olga's Family (she cooks all their food)

The Church Building in Constanza

Delfi, Elder Williams and Wellington

Defusing Fear

I wonder can we ever completely heal from deep wounded scars that have effected our lives? I thought I was over some of those fears and childhood traumas that I went through. I went to counseling, I prayed almost as hard as I have the past year to help me to forgive. At times it felt as though these events in my life were holding me back, like the events were huge metal screws fastening down a large metal plate crushing my desire to live. It took me years to finally turn it over to the Lord and let him take this pain from me. I finally got to a place of forgiveness and even began to pray for the perpetrators. When one of the perpetrators died I was at his bedside and it was healing for me. Even though I had forgiven him, I did not see him for over 15 years until the day he died, and he was not conscious so it made it easier for me. I didn't want to go, so I prayed and the the answer came that I should go , a year and 1/2 later I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN. I say this last part because in reading the Anti Cancer there were a couple of chapters that were difficult for me to read without getting emotional. I have read them over and over again marked them highlighted them. The man who wrote this book is a clinical professor of psychiatry, he has counseled with thousands of VILLAIN patients and seems to know his stuff, he hit so much of these feelings I have had over the years right on the nose. He said that trauma in VILLAIN patients can feed the VILLAIN, that so many times people think they are past it, over it but in reality it is still on their mind and still living with it to some degree. I could not believe this when I read it, this is my life he's talking about. It almost made me want to look around and see if there were hidden cameras watching me, how could he know this about me? Although, I have forgiven there are not too many days that go by that I don't recall painful events in my life, the trauma I felt as a young adult being home with my little brother when he died, my parents were out of town and he was only 15. I think about that all the time. Not having my mom in my life for over 17 years now has been unbearable at times, this has been trauma at it's worst. I wonder all the time if I handled these events right, even having confirmation from the Lord and leaders in my life I still think about it and wonder if I could of done something different. During my 20's I went through another horrible trauma that I won't post details about but it changed my life. I'm deaf in one ear because of a traumatic event that took place in my life. I forgave my birth dad for abandoning me, but I spent most of my life in anger and fear because of it.

There was a study done by Barb Anderson a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. She observed 227 breast cancer patients for 11 years they all had either stage 2 or 3 BC.  They all had received conventional treatments. They were all told about nutrition (Anti Cancer recommendations) about exercise and they all learned how to avoid stress in their lives with simple yoga exercises. The results were remarkable, The group of women who practiced all they were taught and made lifestyle changes had a 56% lower mortality rate. Another study showed 9 out of 10 women who had BC (out of 4000 women interviewed) had some type of traumatic event happen in their lives. WOW .... that is huge to me. Mostly because when I look at the risk factors for BC I have none of them, I have always been physically fit, an athlete, I have eaten pretty good... well with the exception of liking refined sugar and white flour in my baked goods... ha ha but I have always been able to control my portions. I am not obese, I didn't start my period before the age of 12 in fact I didn't start until I was a junior in high school, these are all mentioned in the risk factors none of them apply to me. So I guess my question to myself is how do I completely purge myself of all the trauma I have experienced in my life so that I can live a stress free life? Is it possible to do? It's time for me to stop thinking of this as if I am a simple observer, looking on as if it were another little girl it happened to, and look at it for what it is, or was...... FEAR has paralyzed me for too long.

I Am Blessed

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on auto pilot, just doing the things that need to be done. I don't want to live that life anymore, it scares me, it scares me to go back there. I want to move forward, be grateful for today, the hours, the minutes are so precious, I hope I will always live them with dignity and respect not only for myself but for others.
Through my blog I have met some incredible people, most of them have contacted me through email. I'm always amazed when it happens because I write so much gibberish on this blog I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me would have any interest in what I have to say, heck I can't imagine that anyone who does know me would either. These women are from other states and some even from other countries, all of us having one thing in common the stinkin' breast VILLAIN. Recently I was contacted by a woman who was diagnosed just last week and is flying to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors at the Mayo Clinic. In fact 3 of the woman I have met this past year have flown to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors. I am grateful for these women in my life, one of them moved here from New Jersey and does not have any family or close friends, when she was diagnosed she searched doctors on google and my blog came up, she is also using my same team of doctors, she will be undergoing a bi-lateral mastectomy on June 30th. I hope she falls in love with Dr. Pk (Dr. Peter Kreymerman) like I did. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing him next month? ha ha My prayers and thoughts are with my new friend Jodi at this time. It's scary, the unknown can bring so much fear and anxiety to your life. People who I have met this past year have helped me to see life differently, most of them I have never met, they don't know how they have touched my life with their faith and strength. A couple of them have passed away, the VILLAIN won the battle, I am still trying to process this and make sense of it. Life is strange how it changes so quickly, one day your upset with a child or your husband for something, and in just a moment life changes and those things now seem so silly or insignificant in the whole eternal scheme. I started this blog saying I feel like I'm in auto pilot, what I mean by that is I've let myself become immune to life. I'm getting back into my routines and forgetting what is important. I learned to wake up every morning happy to be alive, happy that I have a wonderful husband who has a job and who I know loves me, and children I am so happy with, sisters who I love and adore and extended family and friends who respect and love me. Please, Please help me never to forget, I often plead with the Lord to help me never to forget.
How many people have a friend who would dedicate themselves to helping you fight the BC battle by taking you to every single chemo therapy treatment? I do, Tamy Scheurn took me every time I love her so much I don't think I can express the compassion this woman has for other people. I want to be like that, I want to give back to so many who helped me when I was sick, those who continue to leave things like flowers, chips/salsa, treats and books on my doorstep. Most of them I don't even know, because they have taught their children to serve without getting recognition (door bell ditcher's) ha ha. I LOVE IT !!!! Simply said I AM BLESSED.

Givin' Up Sugar

just a few of my favorite desserts with lots of sugar and white flour.......
lemon bars

german chocolate cake

my favorite creme brulee'

homemade cookies

cannoli

brownies with nuts

coconut cream pie

I decided to cut out sugar and white flour from my diet. This all started on Monday. So since Monday I have lost 8 pounds, I am amazed at the amount of sugar I eat, and until you cut it out you don't realize it. I have not eaten anything with sugar, no salsa, no sauces, nothing with sugar... when you read some of the labels of food you regularly buy you may be surprised how many foods have sugar in them. So I am getting all my sugar naturally from fruit, which I also love.
The white flour has not been as big a problem for me, but I also have no cookies or cakes in the house, anyone who knows me knows I love to cook, I love to bake, usually baking includes sugar and flour. I am not going to omit these completely from my diet I will allow myself one day a week to indulge. Probably Sundays will be the best since my family all comes over for dinner and I usually make a dessert. I don't promise to stick to this but I am sure going to try. The 1st couple of days I had a major head ache, but it has passed now and I feel so much better, my body feels stronger and detoxed.

Redneck Mullet

This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and guess what? My hair was messed up and out of place, I could actually tell I had slept on it..... woo hoo ...... I'm doing the dance .... hands in the air ...... woo hoo ....... spinning around ...... yeah yeah ......
up until today every morning it was lying to one side looking like it did the night before, but today it is standing at attention like a soldier in the army, this means it's growing enough to show the morning hair look. I measured it today and it's about 3/4 of an inch long. Still not long enough to style it the way I want to, wait who am I kidding? I won't be styling it for awhile, but this is progress I'm excited. Not even Mr. Hot Flash can upset me today. I wonder how long until I can call Kara? I saw Kara recently and asked her about that, she told me that the back of my hair will start to grow faster and longer than the front and I will know when it's time. So when I start to get the MULLET look it's time. That won't be for awhile though, never thought I would be looking forward to a redneck mullet, but I am. ha ha !!!

Petit Mal Seizures

Kayla and Jeremy are living with us again, not that I'm complaining I love especially waking up to Recker. Their house flooded last week hopefully we can get the flooring back in this week so they can get home I know they want to be in their own home.
Sunday night Recker was lying on my bed and I was feeding him his bottle he started to shake both of his arms, it scared me so bad when I told Kayla about it she said it has happened before. Yesterday she took him to the doctor and he told her and Jeremy that Recker has petit mal seizures. He referred them to a pediatric neurologist. I did some research on these types of seizures on the Mayo Clinic web site. Often, no underlying cause can be found for these seizures. Many children appear to have a genetic predisposition to them. Sometimes hyperventilation can trigger a seizure.
In general, seizures are caused by abnormal nerve cell (neuron) activity in the brain. The brain's nerve cells normally communicate with each other by sending electrical and chemical signals across the synapses that connect the cells. In people who have seizures, the brain's usual electrical activity is altered. During a petit mal seizure, these electrical signals repeat themselves over and over in a three-second pattern.
Signs of petit mal seizures include:
Staring, without unusual movement
Lip smacking
Fluttering eyelids
Chewing
Hand movements
Small movements of both arms
These seizures last only a few seconds. Full recovery is almost instantaneous. Afterward, there is no confusion, but also no memory of the incident. Some children experience hundreds of these episodes each day, which interferes with their performance at school or work.

The good news is that some children grow out of this condition. I expect that Recker will be one of those children who will grow out of it.

Menopause and Mondays

Being in menopause really, really stinks. Yesterday I was sitting in Church and I started to sweat like a pig at a slaughter house, I looked around to see if anyone else was dripping water from their head ...... uh nope just me. I always thought I would look forward to menopause, my thinking was that I would not have to have that monthly visit from aunt Martha. So instead of her visiting on a monthly basis for a few days, I get Mr. Hot Flash several times a day ...... what was I thinking? One of the side effects to menopause is weight gain. More than ever before in my life I have to watch what I eat, I lost so much weight during chemo but have now gained it back and although Doctor Northfelts office was happy about the weight gain, I am starting to get a little worried so today I am eating more of the Anti Cancer recommendations. I have to remind myself everyday that this is my new life, I need to embrace it and be happy about what I can do, or I can eat, rather than looking at what I can't. I had a few people ask me about giving up sugar, I will not give up sugar completely Dr. Servan-Schreiber says it is ok to give yourself a treat once or twice a week, for me Sundays are the day the whole family is together so this is now my treat day. The other days fruit is going to be my new sugar.
Today I am going back to Dr. Goodman, during chemo one of my teeth cracked in half and I was not allowed to visit the dentist because it stirs up bacteria in your mouth and could make a person even more sick (hard to imagine that) It has been almost 2 months now since I first went to see Dr. Goodman, he removed my tooth, took an impression and sent it to the lab. The color of the temporary tooth did not match my other teeth at all so I was anxious to get the permanent tooth back in. I have now had this tooth sent back to the lab 3 times, finally I went to the lab myself (Scottsdale) so they could do a custom color. Long story short, today is the day I get to visit Dr. Goodman again so he can take my tooth out again, send it to the lab, give me the temporary again and hopefully next week I will have my permanent tooth. I love Dr. Goodman, but I am starting to think he likes to see me more than I like to go to the dentist office. This is my menopause Monday.

A New Way of Life

We made it home from beautiful Hawaii. On the last day we were all lying under some palm trees on a grassy area at the beach. I couldn't help but think about going home and returning to reality. It has been so fun to spend the time with Kaitlyn and Brian but I know when I get home things will not be so easy-going. I watched the white fluffy clouds pass in front of the Sun, making it a little darker and less hot then suddenly the clouds would move and again make it brighter, I could again feel the warmth on my skin. So much like my life has been this past year, clouds of darkness have made it hard to see the future, sometimes waiting for the cloud to move made me feel alone and helpless, then with the Help of Heavenly Father he would lift those clouds and I would feel warmth and comfort, knowing that HE loves me and will never leave gives me hope and a feeling of relief. I really hate the waiting game that VILLAIN patients have to live. I know I don't want to live in fear of everything I eat, and everything I expose myself to, but I also can't treat this as if it were a bout of pneumonia or a broken bone this is not a thing of my past the VILLAIN is now a part of my life, my new life.
I finished reading the book ANTI CANCER by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD. I was totally intrigued by the information in this book and wonder why more oncologist don't suggest it to VILLAIN patients. I will refer to some of the information I learned in this book in future blogs, just because I think it is so important.
Did you know:
1. Cancer feeds on sugar, cane and beet sugar, corn syrup etc
2. bleached flour including white bread, white pasta etc
3. vegetable oils such as soybean, sunflower, corn and trans fats
It so happens these three sources contain none of the proteins, vitamins, minerals, or omega-3 fatty acids we all need to keep our bodies functioning properly. They directly fuel the growth of the VILLAIN.
Tests have shown that women with high blood sugar levels (or who are diabetics) are 7 x more likely to develop breast cancer.
We have become a nation of people who do not want to take the time to prepare home-cooked meals for our families, it is much easier to get "take out" I believe with all my heart that we need to get back to basics and we need to be aware of what we are putting in our children's mouths. Processed foods, which is at every fast food restaurant in America, feeds cancer cells. A list of recommended foods from the book are:
1. green tea, this helps to reduce the growth of new vessels needed for tumor growth and metastases and it is a wonderful antioxidant and detoxifier.
2. Olives and Olive Oil black olives are richer in antioxidants than green. Olive oil should be cold pressed extra virgin, you should get one tablespoon of oil daily, used in cooking fish, tofu, meat veggies or in a salad.
3. Turmeric and Curry: these are the most powerful natural antiinflammatory, In laboratories it was proven to help enhance the effectiveness of chemotherapy and reduces tumor growth. It can be added to olive oil with a pinch of black pepper then add to veggies, soups, salad dressings add a few drops of agave nectar to remove the bitter taste.
4. Ginger: a very powerful anti inflammatory and antioxidant much more effective than vitamin E. It acts against certain cancer cells, and it also can help with nausea from chemo therapy and radiation.
5. Cruciform Vegetables: cabbages, (brussel sprouts, bok choy, broccoli, cauliflower, etc) they contain anti cancer molecules. They prevent precancerous cells from developing into malignant tumors.
6. Garlic, Onions, Leeks, Shallots, Chives: Garlic is one of the oldest medicinal herbs dating back to 3000 bc During WW1
they used in to prevent infections. They all promote cell death in colon, breast, lung, and prostate cancer as well as in leukemia.
7. Vegetables and Fruit rich in Carotenoids: Carrots, yams, sweet potatoes, squash, pumpkins, tomatoes, persimmons, apricots, beets and all bright colored fruits and vegetables (orange, red, yellow and green) these all have the proven ability to inhibit the growth of cells of several cancer lines including brain cancer. A study that tracked breast cancer patients for 6 years showed that those who consumed the most foods rich in carotenoids lived longer than those who consumed less.
8. Soy: they block the stimulation of cancer cells. Asian women who have eaten soy since adolescense have fewer cases of breast cancer, the ones who do have breast cancer, it is much less aggressive.
9. Mushrooms: A study done in 2009 showed that women who consumed 10 grams of mushrooms per day reduced their risk of developing breast cancer by 64 %.
10. Herbs and Spices: rosemary, thyme, oregano, basil, and mint are rich in essential oils and they help reduce the spread of cancer by blocking the enzymes they need.
11. Seaweed: slow down the growth of breast cancer cells, prostate, skin, and colon cancer also.
12. Berries: strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, and cranberries are all good for eliminating cancer cells.
13. Plums Peaches and Nectarines: Researchers have proven that these are just as powerful as the berries and at a much less costs. They had a great effect against the growth of breast cancer.
14. Citrus Fruit: oranges, tangerines, lemons and grapefruits contain anti inflammatory flavonoids.
15: Pomegranate Juice: an incredible antioxidant and has been used in Persian medicine for thousands of years, it reduces the development of prostate cancer, daily consumption slows the establishment of prostate cancer by 67%
16. Dark Chocolate: needs to be more than 70 % cocoa it contains antioxidants, the molecules in dark chocolate slow the growth of cancer cells. You need to eat at least 20 grams a day (one fifth of a bar) AVOID ANY MILK CHOCOLATE
17. Vitamin D: Skin cells produce vitamin D when they are exposed to the sun. It has recently been proven that a significant supply of vitamin D reduces considerably the risk of several types of cancers by more than 75%. 20 minutes of noon day sun exposure to the entire body is sufficient. Be aware that over exposure can lead to skin cancer.
18. Omega -3's: The reduce the cancer cell growth in a large number of tumors lung, breast, colon, prostate, kidney. They also act to reduce the spread of tumors in the form of metastases. Keep in mind that the larger the fish, the higher it is in the food chain and the more contaminated it is. Smaller fish are much healthier for you. Flaxseeds are also rich in omega-3's.
19. Probiotics: Organic yogurts and kefir are good sources of probiotics I purchase them at Sprouts. These are the good bacteria that your intestines need, garlic, onions, tomatoes, asparagus, bananas and wheat are great source also.
20. Foods rich in Selenium: Selenium is found in the soil, vegetables and cereals grown organically contain large quantities of selenium. Selenium boosts the immune system and the effects of antioxidant mechanisms on the body.

Anyone who has a history of cancer in their family should take note of all this information and consider establishing a new way of life. We could all probably improve our lives and our families lives by changing a few things we eat and introducing some new foods to our children.

Hawaii day 3 and 4

Fruit, Yogurt and Granola my favorite things to eat


Freezing at the falls



Hiking to the falls, there were a ton of places to take pictures

Kaitlyn was scared to jump off the rock so Brian jumped with her

Matsumotos shaved Ice

Eric and I at Pearl Harbor

Leonards Bakery is the Best

Malasadas at Leonards Bakery

We are still in Hawaii and it's a very laid back atmosphere compared to the busy life of Arizona. Eric has been able to relax and not worry about work (he's only been on his cell phone a few times) and he gets to sleep in if he wants to. Kaitlyn and Brian are fun to be with, I told them yesterday that I have not belly laughed in so long and with them it's an ongoing thing, and over the silliest things. I find myself thinking less and less of the VILLAIN while I am here. It still lingers in the back of my head but at least not as much as when I am home. I'm going to work on that when I get home.
Our days have been filled with food, water and exercise. We ate malasadas, if you've never had one they are heaven in your mouth kinda like a doughnut (but better much much better) they are filled with either chocolate pudding, coconut cream, or bavarian cream Eric got the flavor of the month it was filled with guava cream. Or you can just eat them plain with cinnamon sugar on top. Malasadas are something we always look forward to having when we come to Hawaii, Leonards Bakery is the best.
We had shaved ice at Matsumotos, a lot of the famous actors have eaten here and we love it too. Brian and Kaitlyn both said it was the best shaved ice they ever had, and Eric agreed. Pearl Harbor was a great way to spend our Sunday after noon, we saw a lot of LDS people there, probably because it is free of charge and a good way to spend some family time together without going to the beach. Yesterday we hiked up to the falls, I watched Kaitlyn and Brian get in the water and decided I was not going to do that to my body from the look on Kaitlyns face I could tell it was freezing. They swam over to the falls so I could take a picture of them, then I was waiting with a towel for her when she got out of the water. After much coaxing they all talked me into swimming with Eric over to the falls too. Yes it was freezing but Kaitlyn was right when she said I need to take more risks and try more things, NO REGRETS. I'm glad I did it, but was even more glad when I was safe on the shore with a towel around my shivering body. I have never been in a swimsuit without a tan, I looked down at my body and decided that everything would look better with a tan, but I just don't care anymore about that, I'm happy to be alive and in Hawaii with the ones I love.

Just what the Doctor ordered

A prescription written for rest and relaxation ... not necessarily from Doctor Northfelt (even though he did tell me it was the perfect time for me to do it) but it was written by Dr. Eric Williams. A very last minute vacation to Hawaii, on Friday we boarded an airplane with Kaitlyn and Brian and now I write this sitting on my bed in a beautiful condo on the Island of Oahu. I had only a few hours to get packed and ready. My stress and anxiety levels have been so high lately, that this was just what the Doctor ordered. Brian has never been to Hawaii and it's like watching a child open his gifts on Christmas. We were sitting in an ocean view restaurant on Waikiki he was staring out at the ocean when all of a sudden he jumped up and said "I'm going to put my feet in that water" and off he ran we watched him run as fast as he could with no shoes on to the ocean water. It was so funny to watch him.... Eric was looking at him like he was crazy ..... I was looking at him like he's so dang cute ...... Kaitlyn was looking at him like she just fell in love with him for the 1st time all over again. ahhhhh He woke up before the sun came up yesterday and rented a surf board, he's one of those kinda guys that is good at anything he does so we knew he would be good at surfing ..... and he was. Brian went snorkeling for the 1st time yesterday too, listening to him describe the fish he saw was animated and fun. I told him he needed to get some sun screen on, but he decided to wait until after he went snorkeling for the 2nd time ...... you see where I'm going with this? Yes he is a lobster today, on the 1st day of vacation.
Dr. Northfelt believes that stress in your life feeds VILLAIN cells, I'm almost done reading the book he suggested and I will post more about it later, but for now I am feeling less stress and trying to not think about the VILLAIN while I am in Hawaii.

I didn't choose the VILLAIN it chose me

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was just to check and make sure my skin was healing properly and to see about my side-effects. She said I am healing very well and that the side effects that I am experiencing are normal ... mostly fatigue, insomnia and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering head ache it's been 6 days now she said it was not related to the radiation, so I need to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a huge fan of the anxiety, I am so amazed at the amount of pain, stress and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing, well actually I think the human mind is amazing. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal, I am a firm believer of that. I have tried so hard through this journey of mine to remain calm and relaxed, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broke down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continues to be on my mind, it's really sad but during the past 10 months there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to the VILLAIN.
This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror, where am I? why am I allowing this awful VILLAIN to take over my life and define me right now? I've been really fighting it, but I think because of the recent public embarrassments I am feeling insecure about myself. Today Eric and I were at SUBWAY eating lunch and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding, he became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It's hard for me to see him cry, I don't want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying he said "I feel so bad for you, I don't ever want someone to treat you badly, I just love you so much" and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning, trying to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is my new life I didn't choose it, I wouldn't of chosen it but for some reason it chose me and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Somedays are harder than others, tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.

Everyone has Good in Them

I never realized what women go through when they are in menopause ..... seriously not fun at all and to be forced into it, well all I can say is it is making me grumpy and crazy. Mr. hot flash continues to be a big part of my life, not sure if we are getting along too well. I called Dr. Northfelts office to let them know I am not sleeping and have had a headache that has lasted for several days, guess I will hear back from them tomorrow. It is so hard to feel completely exhausted then go and lay down to be disappointed by insomnia and fatigue. Just when I thought the neuropathy was gone and out of my life, my legs are aching again.
I'm so afraid to take the hormone medicine that Dr. Northfelt gave me, the possible side effects are really scary, and it seems like my track record for getting the side effects should make me afraid. I was told chemo would not make me sick .... no such luck I was sick for 5 months from the evil stuff, I was told a few women get lymphodema from lymph nodes being removed, I got it and have to wear that ugly sleeve on my arm, I was told that very few get neurophathy, you guessed it I have it ..... so Hormone therapy scares me .... I need to take it I've had it sitting on my desk for a week, I look at it everyday and say "tomorrow I will start" These are the possible side effects:

anxiety --- seriously I already have this one
back, bone, breast, joint, or pelvic pain----I already have all those (neuropathy)
constipation---
cough----
dizziness ---
flu like symptoms ---
muscle aches ---- went through that with the lovely day after pill during chemo
tiredness -----
hair loss---- are you kidding me?
headache ---- there already
hot flashes ----- Mr. hot flash has already welcomed himself into my life
loss of appetite ---- I wish
nausea ---- did that for 5 months
sore throat--
stomach pain or upset ---
sweating ---- comes with Mr. Hot Flash everyday
tingling or burning sensation in the fingers, wrists or hands
trouble sleeping ---
vomiting --- did that for 5 months too
weakness ---
weight gain ---- very possibly going to happen

If you could write these on a slip of paper and pick them out of a bowl, which 3 would you like to have? Not sure why I chose 3 to have but I decided that was a good number and quite possibly the number of side effects I will get from this treatment medicine, oh and did I mention I have to take it for 10 years? Can you tell I'm grumpy? I probably should not blog while I am in these moods, but like I have said so many times, I want to remember EVERYTHING.

One thing I can be grateful for today is that tomorrow is Wednesday and emails will come from my missionary son in the DR. I do love to hear from that boy, he seems to grow spiritually every week I try to keep up by studying my scriptures everyday and I am still working on those Attributes of Christ from the Preach my Gospel book, but I still seem to fall short of what Blake is experiencing. He is my hero, I love him so much.

One more little story before I head up to my bedroom and take some meds to get me to sleep. Eric has been in Mexico since Friday, last night Haleigh and I went on a bike ride through Val Vista Lakes. It was beautiful and the weather here in Arizona is incredibly soothing after the sun goes down. We were talking and laughing, really enjoying our time together when these two boys past us on their bikes, the first boy mumbled something under his breath I didn't quite hear, I asked Haleigh later she said she wasn't sure either. When the 2nd boy passed me (Haleigh was just in front of my bike on hers) he yelled something really mean "oh my ___ look at the d___" ( he used a slang word for lesbian) I felt so embarrassed not really for me but for him. Haleigh was so upset, she turned her bike around and was ready to take this kid on ..... they road as fast as they could away but Haleigh was faster, I stayed back just strolling along when I caught up to her she was engaged in a conversation with the boys. I still am not sure what she said to the boys, but when I arrived they took off. As a mother I'm thinking "this could be a great teaching moment" I should talk to her about turning the other cheek, walking away, or just letting it go, however, something told me to keep quiet and I did. I wondered if she was at all embarrassed to be with me. The fact that she stood up for me and defended what she knows to be right was impressive. I'm not shocked by what people say anymore and I know that there are more people who don't say what they are thinking, but I do believe that most everyone has good in them, and most everyone wants to be kind and considerate to others.