TRUST

Trust –verb-to believe in the honesty, integrity, justice, etc. of; have confidence in; to rely or depend on; to put something confidently in the charge of
Tomorrow is round 7 of chemo, and I am feeling like always very anxious, I always feel anxious the night before chemo. Today at church Teri Larsen was asking me about my chemo treatments and how they affect me. After I told her, she said "I wouldn't go"
I've been thinking about what she said all day today, because there have been a few times on the morning of chemo that I have sat in my closet and cried like a baby, I have said to Eric "I don't want to go today" and like always he gives me the "pep" talk then Tamy shows up and off I go, reluctant and angry at the world, but knowing that this battle rages on it's just a new day. It's so hard to be strong, but I will if I know there is even a small Rey of light.
Today I decided to read everything I could get my hands on about TRUST. I'm not sure why this word kept coming up in my mind, but I believe it's because I am being taught. President Greer talked in our Sacrament meeting today about our Bishop being teachable, that he is a good student, very easy to teach because he is able to listen and act upon what he has been taught. I want to be that person too, I think I have a long way to go, but I know the Lord is trying to teach me so much right now. The scripture that keeps coming to mind is in Proverbs 2:5-6 and 8 "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine OWN understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM, and he shall direct thy paths. It shall be HEALTH to thy navel; and marrow to thy bones.
I wonder sometimes if we trust ourselves more than we trust in the LORD, I've said it before but I think sometimes we think we know more and we get in the way of our own progression. Eric and I prayed about the doctors we should see, we prayed about all options chemo vs. natural, we have poured our hearts out to the Lord for help in making these decisions, so now it is time for me to stop doubting and go forward in faith. My son has told me over and over again how much he prays for me, and that he has a strong conviction that I am going to be here when he gets home and that all will be OK with me. This week I received a heart felt 3 page letter from a boy in our ward, he was one of our SONS when Eric and I went on the trek, we fell in love with him and have great respect for him. Without divulging the entire letter to you, I will tell you he had a trial that made him turn to the Lord and as he listened to the spirit tell him what to do, even when he received his answer he did not want to do it, but decided that if the Lord gave him this answer he would do it. In the end he learned to TRUST and have FAITH in the Lord, give it to him, and he learned a great life lesson from it. I learned from him, that on the days, like tomorrow, I give it to the Lord and Trust in HIM.
Tonight I feel like I am going to give all that I am, tomorrow I will not despair, I am going to put my life in heavens hands, I want to be worthy to stand before the Lord and say I did all I was asked of, I want to be able to hear the master when he teaches me. I want to TRUST.