Tonight I am alone, everyone is asleep but me. I have too much on my mind to relax enough to get to sleep. My breasts are aching, the pain never goes away yet they are numb to the touch. When I drink something cold I feel it going down my throat and then the cold sensation penetrates the holes where my breasts used to be.
My mind is wondering in all directions, the wedding, the baby, the chemo. I run my hand across my chest and feel the PORT, the PORT that will feed the poison into my body. I start to cry, knowing I cannot control any of this, how did this happen to me? I have always been the physically fit, healthy one. The emotional part of this journey is getting to me. One year ago I remember dealing with a much different trial, my son was struggling with his testimony and I was aching for him, now the strength of his testimony is getting me through. Every Thursday I sit by my computer waiting for his email, waiting to hear how he is doing, and week after week I see that the Lord is blessing him, and those emails get me through until the next week. I have so much to be grateful for, how can I complain about this trial? The blessings that come from a child serving a mission are starting to unfold in front of my eyes and I never thought it would ever happen for us. Oh how I know the Lord is aware of me and wants what is best for me, but I am human and still feel the fear of this journey also starting to unfold before my eyes.
Sometimes when people talk to me I don't hear them, the words are coming out of their mouth but I process nothing. I wonder if I will ever be "Normal" again? I continue to pray for strength to get through this, but continually doubt myself, am I strong enough? I am so scared, but I'm not sure of what.
This is the week of Kaitlyn's wedding and I want it to be the happiest night of her life. We have a lot to do this week to prepare for the reception, I'm hoping it will be enough to keep my mind off of the VILLAIN. I want the reception to be a VILLAIN free night, no VILLAIN talk. I know I have a long road in front me, but Saturday Night November 14th is Kaitlyn's night, I want to enjoy it.
Seeing growth
3 years ago
5 comments:
Your strength amazes me....it motivates me to be better and do better! I was able to attend the youth conference and I can tell your Hailey is an amazing girl. She can stand in front of a large crowd and has so much confidence. She is a doll ~ you guys have a lot to be proud of!
Good luck this week!
You are right about enjoying Kaitlyns night. I will pray really hard for you to be able to be VILLAIN free for sure. You can do it, you're amazing.
Monya Darlin', i want you to know that i have been praying for you and your sweet fam. I lost a dear friend to the VILLIAN and i have been afraid to call or come see you. i am praying for strength to understand God's plan. Know that I LOVE YOU!!! You are such a Warrior and I know you will beat this; GOD loves you girl-- me too, chris randall
Looking forward to hanging out with you guys Saturday night - we'll have lots of fun!!
Norm
Monya, you always have been an inspiration to me my whole life. My appreciation and admiration for you grows hundreds of times the more I get to know you through the years. You are in my prayers ALWAYS ALWAYS.
Love you,
Tara (Phelps)
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