Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I feel my Savior's Love

 Rainbows, always show up when I need a sign from Heavenly Father
that he here's me.  They are magnificent to me.

Well, I'm here again the night before a major surgery hoping and praying this time I've been away from my family, will prove to be worth it.  Making decisions without Eric or the kids to help me has really been hard to do.  I feel like every hour I need to say a silent prayer to the Lord to bless me with a light, something that can feed my brain with knowledge.  Then I ask to help me be still enough, to hear what He is trying to teach me. 
 I know change, and fears of change, have been clearly on my mind.  I've been walking around with a patch on my right eye, I hope the drops I've put in it night and day along with the patch 22/7 was enough to not have to have a cornea transplant.  The time I've spent here alone has given me time to really reach down and ask some gut wrenching questions. One is, can I live a quality life with my face the way it is right now? Am I confident enough to live the rest of my life having people stare, to here children say to their parents "what is wrong with that ladies face, or eye?" I've had a few even ask me themselves, I just tell them I have a boo boo. 
These past 5 weeks in Cleveland I've gotten inner strength I never thought I had.  I wish I could understand His plan for me.  I've read my scriptures, and Preach My Gospel chapter 6, everyday trying to be lead to a place I need to be, asking and begging Him to teach me what I need to do, so that I can return and live with Him one day. I'm not sure how I'm doing in that area, this is just so darn hard. I know I need to hold on to everything I know to be true and not let go.  Those things I know are so precious to me and can never be taken from me. I've had many spiritual experiences since my 1st surgery at Mayo.  The Lord loves me enough to give me a glimpse into my future, it is beautiful, every time I wake up, I want to go back, but I'm always told "It's not your time, you must return and finish your journey" 
I received a text from a friend today, (I don't want to reveal her name she knows who she is) she said she had been thinking of me but didn't quite know the right words to say. She then said I hope you are able to get the answers your looking for, if it is the Lord's will.  When I read that part, I have not been able to get it off my mind....what is the Lord's will for me? Even I don't know the answer to that. She brought up the fact she has been the caregiver of 2 sons who have been struggling with health issues, she said something else that has stuck in my head...she said she would gladly take their pain on herself so these boys would not have to feel it.  This reminded me of the feelings our Heavenly Father must have when He sees his children struggling, He easily could take our pain away, but for some reason He never does, why is that?  I believe He wants us to learn to rely on Him fully, give Him all we have then sit back and have FAITH, have enough HOPE in Him to make miracles happen, or be strong enough to accept what is being presented to us, and find a way to live a happy life in whatever circumstances we are faced with.

I also received a text from my sweet Haleigh Bear:
H: "mom when are you coming home.?
M:"Good question, it all depends on how well the surgery goes. I'm praying it'll all go great so I can go home this weekend. I'm really scared.
H: We miss you so much, I pray for you every morning and night and I have faith that the surgery will go well. Don't be scared Heavenly Father is always looking over you, and dad will be there.
M; yes I'm looking forward to seeing him, this is the longest we have ever been away from each other.  He's the only one who knows how to calm me when I get those anxiety attacks while I'm waiting for surgery, I just don't want to ever feel that extreme pain from the nerve, ever again"

I wonder if I have kept my promises to Him.  When I was about 14 I promised the Lord if He would get me out of the situation I was in, I would promise to live a life of pure intent, I would share His
Gospel with others, I would study and share with others how to live a happy life, no matter what. I don't think these past 5 years is exactly what I had in mind.  When I look in the mirror, I don't see what He sees.  I know He see's the heart inside me, and He knows how much strength I have, He has shown me I can handle any trial that I face.  He's always been there right beside me, I know when I kneel down to pray to Him, He always answers back, it's not always the answer I want, or the timing is not always when I want it to be.  I truly believe in Miracles, and He is the only one who can make those happen.
Going into this surgery, I feel all alone, even though Eric is here, I feel like I am in a negotiation with the Lord for my life.  The anxiety I am feeling for this surgery is different from what I have felt with other surgeries.  I'm far away from home, and I just have to keep remembering no matter where I am, He is always there just one prayer away.  I feel like this road is getting longer and longer, harder and harder to maintain calm.  My heart is beating in my chest, I don't know if I can ask Him to take that away.  I realize my life is forever changed, and I will never be the same again, I hope I can be a better version of myself, even with my face disfigured, I know who I am, and I know the kind of person I want to be.  As a person who has witnessed what Heaven feels like, I cannot deny what I know to be true.  I know the Lord has a plan for me, I just need to figure out what that is.
Tonight as I lie down to sleep: I feel my Savior's love,  His gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray my heart is filled with peace, He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him,  I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.


Anonymous said...

I feel my Sacior's love too. I feel his love for You too if that makes sense. There are beautiful things ahead for you dear friend. Love you, Jensters

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, especially today.

idahorhodes said...

i had tried to leave a longer comment but it did not work so I will just say this time I hope that you get better. I suffer from depression and have thought the same. I know thought that the good times are more than worth the pain and suffering I have gone through. Know that I am thinking of you and praying.