What happened?

I am in extreme pain, it hurts to type this.  I don't know what happened, I took a hot bath and felt fine. Eric came in to check on me and make sure I hadn't drown.  I laid down to sleep around 3:30 am and all of a sudden had massive pain in my ear, going down into my jaw line and throat--it's difficult to see.  I've had some liquid in the left ear this week but it only lasted for about 3 days and finally cleared up but other than that I think I've done pretty well without pain medicine. The way I feel right now is I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up--I've taken the pain medicine to see if it will help--but i=the pain is getting worse--my eyes are blurring, trying to type this out as a blind deaf person is hard--but just in case I don't wake up I want Eric to know what's happening.
After my bath I brushed my teeth, changed out the cotton ball because it was soaking through. I felt a pop in my right ear followed by immense pain--I'm supposed to be at Dr. Barr's office at 12:00 today,  This is awful--I can't do this, I feel like I have no control my legs won't stop shaking and now
My body is quivering, I cannot stop moving my legs, and my arms have no control--the pain is that bad.
I can't type any more it hurts to badly.

Written Wednesday May 7th

Eric said "Goodbye have a good day" and kissed me goodbye.  I looked at the clock, I still have 3 hours what will I do, I'm in so much pain.  I got in the shower thinking the water might make me feel better--something is wrong I can feel it--pain in my  inner ear is now shooting down my jawline, and to the back of my skull--the nerves in my upper ear are burning, electrical shooing pain it won't go away.
No tears were coming, I am more afraid than anything else.  My good friend Jori came by the house to pick up some Nerium for her daughter Emily, and she mentioned "do you feel OK? you look like you have bells palsy?" I told her I was on my way to see the doctor and would find out more.  I went upstairs and sure enough the right side of my face was drooped and shagging, no control over the nerves or muscles, my lip is drooping to one side and I cannot shut one eye.

I drove myself to Mayo, arriving early, still not being able to control the pain, shaking while I waited in
the waiting room, it didn't take long I was the 1st one they called.  Dr. Barr's is usually always on time, and in he came asked me to step up on the table, looked in ear, he cleaned out the debrea, then helped me to the chair--he could see without asking that I was in pain--and the facial lack of control I'm sure was concerning to him.  He went and got Kathleen, she took me to the admitting area and explained I would be admitted into the hospital, the 4th floor in cardiology was the only bed they had for now. What? Who cares what bed I'm in, I just want to get this pain under control.  I said goodbye to Kathleen and gave her a big hug, she is so sweet I have enjoyed her when I go to Dr, Barr's office she is a beautiful person inside and out, and I know Dr. Barr's rely's on her a lot for her professionalism and support.

As I sat in the waiting area, I could not control the shaking pain I was feeling, waiting for them to call my name, seemed like I have been here forever.  Finally they came with a wheelchair and they took me to the f4th floor, I remember the doctors in the elevator, they were cheerful and happy, why? It's not Friday.....but as I listened they were excited about a surgery they were going to do, oh dear, that is the last thing I want to hear about right now--just get me to a room and take this pain away. They did, but not until Dr. Barr's resident came around to see me.  In the mean time I called my sister Sonya bc I couldn't get in touch with Eric.  1st thing she asked of course was "did you drive yourself?" 'um.. yes I did, you know how I feel about people waiting around, for me, plus I had a Nerium meeting with someone after this out at Anthem" she sighed and "said I'm on my way, and I'll call Marian and Eric"   I said "No I won't be here long and I hate people having to drive all the way out here"  she then asked if I thought she should tell my kids, she said I said yes, but not to have them come, I don't remember this, by now I was on the drugs.

Wednesday, was quite a day filled with testing, pokes, blood drawing, scans, MRI's, CT scans.  As they began to get me dressed an ready I knew this was not going to be an in and out day.  Blake was the 1st one to arrive, he kissed my head and said "I love you mommy" By now my pain was beginning to die down. Sonya, Kris, Eric had all arrived.  My pain was so bad the nurses had to put meds through my cathader and of course it was a difficult task for them to find a vein. By this time I was in severe pain, and was curled up in a ball of pain, my right side of my body was shaking severely and I was whispering to them to please just put some medicine in my IV that would put me to sleep and not wake me up...."sorry sweetie, we can't do that" "oh but Eric it is excruciating, I want you to just get a gun and shoot me in the head"  The medicine was finally administered but by the time it had entered my mainstream I was in pretty bad shape, it looked like I was having a seizure with my body curled up and still shaking, my husband, Sonya, Kris and I believe Blake all witnessed this aweful attack. Then later that night in the ICU all my children were there and had to see it again...I feel so bad that they had to witness their mother in such pain--I'm sue it was very difficult to them.  I have never in my life felt that type of pain, and my body reacts by curling up, pounding the bed and wanting to literally be put to death. Difficult to hear I'm sure, but also try to imagine it is difficult for me to write too, however it is my reality.  I later read some of the text messages that were coming through on my phone and people who I love very much need to learn what to say and what not to say-This is my journey, not yours, I am trying to deal with it the best I can, I rely on the Lord, I am not depressed, I'm passed that, yes there aret times I have moments of doubt, I have very few people who can relate to what I am feeling, I love Tamy Scheurn for her input she understands more than most and I love her so much.  I love my friend Heather who has been hear everyday to check on me, she has been a great strength to me for the medical questions I need answered, that quite frankly I do not understand the lingo, and she explains it to me in terms I can understand, sometimes not so easy to hear but still the truth and I like it straight she knows that.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is no one that can completely know what I am going through but our Savior--just as I do not understand fully the pain of going through a divorce, or the heartache of losing a child--the Savior does and those  people can turn to him for strength, which what I have learned to do.

I kept telling Eric, I have seen everyone that I care about seeing but Recker, my sweet little Recker.  justt as they were wheeling me off to surgery Kayla brought him in, he did not like to see me in that bed, I think he thought it was for him, because unfortunately he too has been in hospital beds and it was a reminder I'm sure to him.  It made me sad to hear him cry so hard, he was melting down, it brought tears to my eyes, I love him so much and wish I knew what to say or how to understand, but then again, the Lord is the only one who can truly understand exactly what Recker feels.

 Off to surgery I went, on the way I had the pleasure of seeing Doctor Magtibay walking toward my bed, he said "I thought I heard you were here, and he gave me a big hug"  This was a happy thought to go into surgery with he has always been one of my favorite doctors on my team.  All I remember now is the mask being placed over my face, and waking up in recovery.  It did not take me long to wake up, and they were returning me to my room.  My family was all there with the exclusion on little Ezra, Recker and Kayla and Jeremy.  We also got an unexpected and very nice pleasure of visiting with the Lentz family, Terry has worked with Eric for years with Blandford Homes and his wife Diana and I have also become friends.  The brought these beautiful Hydrangeas I love them they are my favorites those and Renuncuulas.

Terry & Diana Lentz

Diana is known for her beautiful floral arranging

Love my sisterwives--Kris and Sonya

The night nurse Adaesey--Love Her

Haleigh Kaitlyn and Kaitlyn....it looks like I'm sad but the bells palsy wont't let me smile

making light of the bells palsy--love the humor of my son inlaws

and my daughters---I really did try to smile

Love My Girls.. Just missin Chloe and Kayla

Just can't keep that eye open

Dr. Barr's came by one his day off today, concerned about my condition and wanting to make sure I was aware of the severity and to make sure my pain management was under control.  Basically the skin grafting he did on my surgery I had 10 days ago was already turned to gangrene. Which means the skin is dead, there is also some infection that is being treated.  Right now I have infectious disease on board yesterday they came and took 60 mm of blood out on my hand, the only vein they could find, however it took them about an hour and a half to do and barely got what they needed.  Neurology is helping with the bells palsy, but we are also concerned that some facial muscles and nerves  through my cheek and jawline, then up through my skull at the base of my brain is being affected.  What will happen is really up in the air right now.  I spoke with a doctor who works with Dr. Barr's about doing a flap to help with the dis figuration--I've been drugged up so much because of the immense pain, that I really don't know from one day to the next what has happened.  I can say  I love my doctors, Dr. Howard is so great and I am eternally grateful she is on my team working with Dr. Barr's.  Whatever I have done to deserve such beautiful and wonderful people on my medical team I'm not sure but I feel like all the medical angels were called in to be on my team, especially picked out for me, I can never say thank you enough to them.

The pain is only under control through the regimen Dr. Howard has helped with.  It seems when I get up and walk around it acerbates  the pain and is excruciating however I need to have that circulation, so we have a good hold on keeping he pain level as much as I can at about a 5, with 1 being the best and 10 the worst.  As soon as it gets up to 7  try to get to 1st dose of pain meds, then go to the bathroom, take the next dosage and make a walk around the nurses station with the help of one of the nurses, then by the time I'm back to my bed the level of pain is usually 9 or 10 but I am trying to get the shaking and seizure looking espisodes down, so we can move forward I will be here for awhile.

This about all I can type for now and is pretty much caught up--I am looking forward to seeing my family for Mother's Day and want to wish all my friends Happy Mothers Day to each of you.
Take those sweet kids in your arms and love them, unconditionally love them--let them know you care and that you are here for them NO MATTER WHAT--

for now I love you all xoxo Monya