Be happy now

Thursday December 26th--well actually it is now the 27th at 4:09 am

I cannot sleep.  Today Eric and I went to the Mayo Clinic with hopes of getting a 2nd opinion from the "Chief of Surgery" turns out he was Doogie Houser--Returned missionary very nice guy, but did not give me any answers,---and just so you know he is the Chief of Surgery over Residents, he laughed and said it just means all the old Doctors are off for the Holidays and I am the oldest resident here.  To be perfectly honest, I left there with no more answers than when I went--I was told it was healing the way it is supposed to heal--but if you saw the picture you know it is infected.   The resident told me to stop taking the antibiotics and wait to see Dr. Barr's on January 2nd when he returns, which happens to be when my next appointment is. He stuffed it with cotton and off he went--

I don't think I have ever been happy to go to Mayo Clinic, well maybe on my last day of chemo, but today I was looking forward to it I need answers--I am in horrible pain and it drains constantly.  I will be staying out of public areas which I have been doing anyway, sometimes it gets depressing, and when I do go anywhere I feel like I need to wear a mask.  Imagine those stares--mask, half a head of hair and in pain.  I was not very nice to Eric today, on the way there I was in pain, I didn't want him to go with me because I hate people waiting around for me, and I wasn't on any drugs, so I could of driven, but with all that being said it explains a lot of things, one being the moodiness, 2 the tears.  He even told me I was being mean to him--I'm sorry Eric--chalk it up to bad day?? I'll try harder.

When I pulled out the packing after I got home from Mayo the oozie junk literally ran like a faucet into the sink--do I think its infected YES.  I am taking a stronger pain medicine, but not able to sleep, then when I finally do get to sleep I can't wake up--what to do?  I'm a mess--Eric has been off work and wants to get me out of the house but I'm afraid to go anywhere. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in the back yard and read, maybe that will cheer me up.  Ok so what did I learn today? 1.  Doctors, especially the attending doctors need vacation too, so don't make appointments around Christmas, and insist on seeing the Attending if you are forced to or need to. 2. be nice even when you feel like it's a crappy day, especially to the ones taking care of you.  3. more is not better--be happy with what you have, don't wait, be happy now no matter what the circumstances.