Dave Cluff

My visiting teacher Marion Priday sent me a text last week asking me if I would like to have a song that Dave Cluff sang in sacrament sung in our home.  Oh, how I love music and was so happy when Dave and Kathi moved back into our ward, he has a beautiful voice.  I asked Marian if we cold do it on a different day, as I was really not feeling good that day.  So Dave and Kathi along with Kathi's sister came over to our home last Sunday and he sang "O Holy Night" It was beautiful, I was touched by the spirit through Dave, and his flawless beautiful voice.   These are the type of people I love to surround myself with, uplifting, faithful, unconditionally loving people.  Eric and I talked about it after they left and we both  agreed it was a selfless move for Dave to leave his family and home and give such a great gift to our family, and leave us with the feeling that all is well.

Before he began to sing he started by asking if we remember Wally and Brian Slade singing this in our Church meetings years ago, we agreed that yes we had and loved it.  Dave then said "this will not be
as good as them, and he laughed: I've always told Debbie and Wally if their children lived in my home I would make them sing for their dinner--but Dave was oh so delicate and beautiful as he sang and I loved every second of it--thank you to the best visiting teachers for suggesting this.

I want to apologize if i offended someone in my last post, I know I did by the comment that was left, so I have decided it is best to make my comments private.  I read it over and over again and I am not sure if the person thought what I was saying was not true, or if they were upset at what the doctor had said, but with that being said you have to remember this doctor was not acting as my doctor I went to him as a friend and he gave me his answer as a friend--I removed his comment and yours.

Thank You to all who have supported me and given me unconditional love and support, and to those who have anonymously left me comments that help me remember my room for error at times.

Monya

Be happy now

Thursday December 26th--well actually it is now the 27th at 4:09 am

I cannot sleep.  Today Eric and I went to the Mayo Clinic with hopes of getting a 2nd opinion from the "Chief of Surgery" turns out he was Doogie Houser--Returned missionary very nice guy, but did not give me any answers,---and just so you know he is the Chief of Surgery over Residents, he laughed and said it just means all the old Doctors are off for the Holidays and I am the oldest resident here.  To be perfectly honest, I left there with no more answers than when I went--I was told it was healing the way it is supposed to heal--but if you saw the picture you know it is infected.   The resident told me to stop taking the antibiotics and wait to see Dr. Barr's on January 2nd when he returns, which happens to be when my next appointment is. He stuffed it with cotton and off he went--

I don't think I have ever been happy to go to Mayo Clinic, well maybe on my last day of chemo, but today I was looking forward to it I need answers--I am in horrible pain and it drains constantly.  I will be staying out of public areas which I have been doing anyway, sometimes it gets depressing, and when I do go anywhere I feel like I need to wear a mask.  Imagine those stares--mask, half a head of hair and in pain.  I was not very nice to Eric today, on the way there I was in pain, I didn't want him to go with me because I hate people waiting around for me, and I wasn't on any drugs, so I could of driven, but with all that being said it explains a lot of things, one being the moodiness, 2 the tears.  He even told me I was being mean to him--I'm sorry Eric--chalk it up to bad day?? I'll try harder.

When I pulled out the packing after I got home from Mayo the oozie junk literally ran like a faucet into the sink--do I think its infected YES.  I am taking a stronger pain medicine, but not able to sleep, then when I finally do get to sleep I can't wake up--what to do?  I'm a mess--Eric has been off work and wants to get me out of the house but I'm afraid to go anywhere. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in the back yard and read, maybe that will cheer me up.  Ok so what did I learn today? 1.  Doctors, especially the attending doctors need vacation too, so don't make appointments around Christmas, and insist on seeing the Attending if you are forced to or need to. 2. be nice even when you feel like it's a crappy day, especially to the ones taking care of you.  3. more is not better--be happy with what you have, don't wait, be happy now no matter what the circumstances.

The Lord Loves Me

Tuesday December 24th--

This week I got a phone call from my sister Sonya, her son and his wife Katie are having a baby in a couple months, she's been so excited because she had all boys and now finally they were having their 1st baby girl in the family, her phone call was to let me know Katie had gone to her regular appointment and there was no heart beat, the baby had died.  It was heart breaking, and Jimmie was in California.  She was induced gave birth to Dannie Jo, named after her dad, she was 12" long and weighed 1.3 pounds.  Yesterday we attended her graveside, nothing has touched me like this did, seeing Jimmie carry this tiny little casket to burial area  and then he and Katie stood and talked about their love for Dannie Jo and the plan of salvation, I was very impressed with their knowledge of the plan of salvation there is no doubt in my mind or theirs that they will hold and love and hug and kiss Dannie Jo again someday.  She is a good reason for us all to live like Christ did so we can be with her again --

Also going on in the Williams family Blake was admitted to Banner Gateway early this morning, he has been to the ER a couple of times this week and been sent home with really no answers.  He has incredible pain in his stomach, throwing up, diarrhea and complete  frustration not knowing what the problem is.  They took several  cultures and we still have no answers.  He was dis-charged from the hospital with antibiotics, pain meds, and a referral to a gastro Doctor.  Also last night our little Recker was in the ER, I don't really understand a lot about his diagnosis (Autism) but he has breathing problems when he gets a cold it is intensified. Last night he was gasping for breath, so Kayla took him to the ER at Phoenix Children's Hospital,  he is home now and doing well, he was given some breathing treatments.

After spending time at the hospital today, when I got home the right side of my face was very swollen, Sonya had said something about it yesterday but I didn't notice anything except that I cannot eat much as my jaw hurts when I open my mouth, so soup has been just about all I can eat.  Last night when I washed my face I could see the swollen areas Sonya was talking about, and it felt different on that side when I put on the face lotion. Tonight I had Sonya and Greg come over and look at the inside of my ear with a flashlight, Eric was gone and I cannot see inside my ear, I always put two pieces of cotton in my ear like the Doctor showed me how to do, but I could not find the other one. Greg did the looking, Sonya held the flashlight--not a fun sight to see I'm sure, I asked Greg to take a picture so I could see what it looks like.

Sonya had some tears in her eyes, but I know she has had so much going on that this was not what she was worried about.  The pain is still unmanageable, and I am so worried of getting germs, but quite honestly I do not feel great and have not left my home other than  Eric taking me for a ride and that was not what I had expected.  Tomorrow is Christmas and Eric and I both looked at each other and said we do not feel the Christmas spirit that we normally do.  Let's hope 2014 will be an uplifting and learning year without surgery or pain.

Christmas Day 2013

I woke up this morning to my sweet Ezra in my face, smiling big.  Oh I love my grandchildren they certainly can  turn a frown into a smile.  Neither Ez or Recker  understand or know what Christmas is, we enjoyed giving them some little things and spending time with Kayla and Jeremy, but the second Ezra got tired I took the opportunity to feed him his bottle in my bed and take a nap next to him.  We slept for awhile until Blake and Chloe, and Scott and Haleigh showed up, Kaitlyn and Brian are in Utah so we will celebrate with them when they get home from spending time with the Wrights.  I have to enjoy my time with Ezra when Kaitlyn is gone because she really does like to hog him...he loves her and lightens up when she comes int he room.

While I write this post it is almost midnight, I am sewing, blogging and watching The Sound of Music--my favorite movie of all time--Eric is fast asleep.  He tried his hardest to get someone to go to see a movie tonight, no luck.  I'm glad he has such a great relationship with his son in laws and Blake.  I looked at him tonight before he went to sleep and said "You know how much I love you?" he smiled and said "not more than I love you" and that was music to my ears, no better way to go to sleep at night I suppose.  Tomorrow I will see the surgeon for a 2nd opinion, but I told Sonya yesterday I don't consider it "giving up" but I really am done with all the cancer stuff, it is no way to live and my quality of life may not be the same as what others may think they would want.  So lets pray tonight that the news will be good tomorrow. Tonight I have a lot to be grateful for another Christmas I have been given to spend with my family.  The Lord loves me.

He knows me

It's so difficult to know yourself, I mean really know yourself well enough to know when enough is enough.  I woke up this morning really feeling like I've been here forever,  depressed, I drug myself out the bed into the bathroom trying hard to see what was so great about today....?  With tears running down my face I looked at myself in the mirror that same mirror I 1st stared at my flat chested scared breasts, the same mirror I stared at my bald head inspecting every inch of it, today while I look at myself I wonder what is worse, being completely bald or partially bald? The past couple of days have been pulling me down, I'm in desperate need of the Lord to come find me---light a torch under me--writing here on this blog is where I can find myself,  especially on the days when I just don't understand, when I don't want to ask why, or I don't want to hear or feel anything, nothing, where I can hide in the shadows cry all I want and  know HE knows HE is the only one who knows what I'm feeling, I have theses bittersweet tears, sleepless nights  every now and then, that end up becoming  a heartbreak that is so sacred and beautiful to me, its difficult to even describe.  I wonder if even the bravest of the brave ever have these moments? Today I lit a fire log and stared at it as flames went to ashes, one day my light will go out and all that will be left is ashes--will I have done enough? I have been given so many tender mercies, and I truly have come to learn that HE is the tender behind the mercy--no doubt about that, but even with this knowledge I sometimes feel so alone.

I remember a time in my life when I wanted to turn around and leave it all behind, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to leave me alone, stay away, quit helping me, I didn't want HIS help anymore I really just wanted to end it all. If I could of I would of run my car off a cliff, that was the plan.  But I made my choice that day to take on HIS name, I turned my car around and from that day forward I have been true to that promise to HIM.  I feel this oneness with those who decide for whatever reason to take their own lives, my compassion and love for them runs deep, this is a world of weakness and we live in it.  When my mind starts to wonder over to that side, I know its time to be thankful, be grateful, by humble and thank HIM who loves me so much.  There have been times when I've closed that door on him and  know many others who have done the same, but what I've learned is that HE always keeps HIS door open, we can lock our heart from HIM, but HE will never lock HIS door, through the storms of life, if I allow HIM, HE will fill up my heart and bubble up through my eyes with tears. I am so impatient, even when I know HE is teaching me, step by step--I cannot think of a more pure love, than the love HE has for all HIS children.

Oh how hard this life has been and I'm sure the depth is still to come,  I've felt every emotion that our Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel --I will always praise HIS grace and love for me until the day I take my last breath--when I see him again, I will humbly bow down and say "Thank You, for the sacrifice you gave in my name so I could live, learn, and  try my hardest to love as you do"

Maybe I have not learned enough, maybe I have not tried enough, maybe I have not served enough, there is so much more for me to learn, I see people surrounding me who give and give and give and I wish I was more like that, or I think "now why didn't I think of that?"

with packing out--less swelling

temporary cap on the BAHA

the grafted skin was taken from my upper arm



For those who are interested in the doctor report here it goes--I may have reported on my last blog so sorry to repeat if I did. On Monday,  Dr. Barr's took out the packing and the covering of the BAHA. Not painful, the staples were kinda a pinch or two--but nothing like getting my expander's filled with PK. He said he needed to leave a couple of the staples until I see him next time, and speaking of next time he will be out of town and wants the Chief of surgery in his department to look at my ear and get a 2nd opinion.  Because of time restrains while he was doing the surgery, he could not do any more digging and taking the chance it would open up a whole new 8 hours of surgery, so with respect to that I was pleased that he took it so seriously. He just make it loud and clear that another surgery was a possibility.  The way I feel right now THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN--I can't do it, I'm done. He found a black fleshy area that he is suspicious of but was afraid if he dug into it, it would end up being another 8-9 hours.  He showed Eric how to change the packing on my ear, it has a particular way it has to be done--the look on Eric's face said it all, I honestly do not want him to have to do this, I wish I new a nurse or doctor close by, someone who sees this kind of stuff and have it not be emotional.  Today while Eric was gone to the SUNS game with Eric, I went downstairs and opened up the medicine cabinet to see it in the opposite mirror pulled out the packing, and for the 1st time I saw it, now I know, I know exactly what Eric and the rest of the world will see--a huge black hole--I literally threw up in the toilet and continued with tears running down my cheeks to pack it the best I could.  Eric just got home and told me I did it wrong--so I'll let him fix it.  I want so badly to call Mary Greer (she's a nurse} I trust and love her but she has so much on her plate right now there is no way I can do that.  I now know why Dr. Barr;s didn't laugh when I asked if people would be able to see from that ear out the other--I was just joking trying to lighten up the mood, he didn't laugh I was merely suggesting there is not much between the two ears--ha ha, sometimes I make jokes when I'm worried.  Today the hematoma has gone down in size but is oozing a blister like stuff, and good news the swelling is going down on the actual ear it self.  

Recovering

Thank you Jenny I Love You

I can't sleep with my feet covered

trying to wake up after surgery

Surgery Day Tuesday December 10. 2013      

  Today's Date Friday 13th, 2013 {friday the 13th?}

Eric and I arrived at Mayo Hospital around 9:30 am.  I forgot how much I despise the waiting area, I was getting more and more agitated by Mr. Chezinksky, staring at him and watching his every move became my obsession.  Eric asked why I was shaking my legs so hard, I told him Mr. Chezinsky was annoying me, he was taking papers in and out of his neatly prepared briefcase, slamming and turning each page of paper as if he was disgusted with what he read on them.  The more he rearranged his briefcase and read through his papers, the faster my leg would shake. Finally they called his family name and he was off to annoy someone else. I was grateful to have my sister Kris and her husband John come and wait with Eric.  My sister Sonya came a bit later, she had a tooth break and had to get it fixed--she didn't miss anything here, I love my sisters and have come to appreciate and love them more and more as we experience life together and understand each others needs.

When they finally did announce my name 2 hours had past, which having gone through this before I knew that was just about right. Once I got all my vitals done, got dressed and spoke with the anesthesiologist, Eric came back to sit with me.  The nurse came in an said Dr. Barr's previous surgery was running longer than he expected.  I think they rolled me into the OR around 3:00 and woke up in recovery around midnight. There are  couple of things I remember about recovery, I asked if he got all the cancer out. Then I remember the nurse saying there were 3 boys waiting for me and that one of them wanted me to get a Turkey tattoo--{I think I thought I had just gotten my mastectomy} I said "that was probably my son Blake" then I quietly said "maybe it's Brian, he likes to hunt, maybe he wants me to get a tattoo of a bow and arrow with a turkey" they laughed and said "maybe, we'll check for you" I have no idea how much time passed but when they came back I said "would it hurt your feelings if I don't get a tattoo?" "I think I would rather have Heather Lucas do it for me" then the guy said "the PA for Dr. Kreymerman?" I said "yes, do you know them?" they said "of course, we all know  them, but Dr. Kreymerman moved he's not here anymore" "I know but I still don't want a tattoo" he said "don't worry honey we're not doing any tattoos tonight" Hopefully, you are laughing right now--I did once I realized this was just the medicine talking, I'm sure the recovery room nurses hear a lot of funny things.

Very Swollen, very shaved head

staples, plugs and dumbo ear

When I got to my room, Eric and Jenny were there.  My head was pounding with pain, the nurse gave me a shot of morphine intravenously, she ended up doing this 6 times and nothing would help with pain, large doses of percocet and morphine were not helping, I seriously thought my head was going to explode, the pain on the left side was awful, and was now moving around to the back of my head.  Finally around 3 am they called Dr. Barr's, and I was given a stronger pain medicine.  This did help with the pounding on the surgery site, but not the left side, nothing could take it away--I didn't sleep at all.  When we left the hospital I told Eric the pain on the left side was horrible and had him feel it, he turned the car around and took me right back to the hospital to see Dr. Barr's.  The knot on the upper left side of my head was as big as a tennis ball and bright red.  I thought for sure someone had dropped me on my head while I was out, but Dr. Barr's explained to me, my head was supported by a blown up donut looking pillow, he did not expect my surgery to be as long as it was and with my head in that position it caused a hematoma.  He then explained what he found during surgery.  He was able to get the tumor out however, it was terribly  infected, he got out all he could, but is still concerned about an area of dead skin, he is going to watch it and possibly have to do another surgery.  I will be seeing him on Monday--he wants to take the plug out,  I am getting tired now, I just wanted to blog the things I could remember while they were still on my mind--maybe Eric can help me to remember more later--

If time could stand still

Thursday December 5th
Eric decided he wanted to go with me today, normally I go to Mayo by myself, I think he knows why now.  The people who go with you are sitting in the waiting area most of the time, and I feel bad when they have to wait.   But he insisted. 3 appointments today, Pre-certification for surgery,  then to talk about the living will and all that jazz.
Finally our last appointment was with Dr. Barr's, I asked Eric to not talk a lot because Dr. Barr's is very busy and normally he covers everything I need to know without me having to ask any questions. The reason I said this to Eric was because I KNOW him, he will talk to everyone, and he did, the receptionist he asked her about things she has no idea about, then the nurse, who again referred him to the Dr., he even asked the same questions to the lady helping us with the living will--then when we were walking out he stopped the volunteer to ask her something----I just grabbed his arm and politely said "let's get going, to our next appointment" I could see his dad in him today--he was a funny man, and loved to talk to everyone.

When we finally did see Dr. Barr's he turned on the screen so I could for the 1st time see inside my right ear, all I really saw was infection--to me it was no big deal really, I have been asking Eric to look at it for weeks but he says "it looks the same as it did last time you asked me"  The last couple of weeks it has swollen up and been tender, but with dealing with my mothers death I have not really paid much attention other than to put new a cotton ball in when it starts to drip.  I have had more migraines than usual, and now I'm wondering about the slurred speech.  Dr. Barr's took out his ear vacuum and started to suck out what he could, I was a little frightened watching the screen and seeing what he was doing, I thought it was going to hurt, it didn't at all.  It also didn't suck anything out-- he then stuck some gadget down the ear canal to try and see what he could--now that hurt.  He then called for Kathleen, his RN to come in and they discussed medical terms that were over my head, then he asked me to take a seat next to Eric.  He said "this is terrible, and in case you didn't hear me....(which I didn't but Eric did) he said it again "this is terrible"  He then showed us a large picture of the inner ear, which I have seen many times before, but explained to Eric and I he has not seen this type of infection come so far out of the canal, he asked if Eric would  stay close by while he is doing surgery so he can get his permission to move forward if needed.  What that means is that if this has gone into the bone he will have to cut out through the bone which will leave a significant indentation in the side of my head.  The good thing about all this is that I'm deaf in that ear so it will not effect my hearing, if I had a normal ear, I would not have any hearing after this surgery.

Monday December 9th, 2013
 Tomorrow I will once again be rolled into an OR at the Mayo Clinic.  I've had anxiety all day today, I told my friend Marian that I feel more nervous about this surgery then I did the night before going in for the bi-lateral mastectomy.  Marian said it's because I know to much now, going in for the mastectomy I had no idea what I was getting into except that I would go into surgery with breasts and come out without them.
My inner ear is pounding, like I can feel my heartbeat through my ear.  I've been taking the antibiotics Dr. Barr's gave me, but it really doesn't seem like its getting better.  Tonight I put the drops in my ear and it felt like they were hitting my skull, the pain was something that I have not felt since I was a little girl.  The veins on my face and neck popped out and I immediately turned red, my eyes teared up, my nose started to run, it's this immense pain I cannot describe.
I'm trying my hardest to have a good attitude, be positive and smile my way through this.  I got a text from a good friend of mine yesterday, she was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year after me, she had a single mastectomy and diagnosed at stage 2b, her text said the cancer is back at stage 4 and has metathesized into several large organs.  I threw the phone when I read it, what happened, why is this happening she was at stage 2, my mind went to a deep dark place where I knew I shouldn't be. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried, I cried myself to sleep.  In my sleep I saw Eric's mom and dad, they looked so happy, I wanted to stay with them, it felt comfortable and Heavenly there--finally, this is where I'm supposed to be, it almost felt like I was playing hide and seek, and not wanting anyone to find me there--Vi held my hand and said "you know you can't hide here, right?" and just like the snap of a finger they were gone, and I woke up--I slammed my hand on the carpet and yelled "no, no please don't find me, let me go back just a little bit longer"
I hope I can go back there tomorrow, I want to visit with them more-- If I could just let time stand still, I would go back to the day Recker was born,  I would hold him and love on him, if I could I would make the clock stop, but then my heart tells me I can't do that, I have to push through and listen to the ticking of the clock and do what I can to be brave. Tonight I feel like my heart is being torn apart piece by piece, I move 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, never getting ahead--I'm sitting here staring at one of my Mayo Clinic Itinerary's, wondering how I got here--I don't want to go, what will happen if I don't go? as these thoughts are going through my head I am ripping up the Itinerary, maybe if I shred it, it won't be real.
A few weeks ago during our Family Home Evening I asked everyone if they knew this was their last day to live what would they do? I'm not sure why I asked them, except that I have been thinking about it a lot since my mother died.  Some of their answers were funny, I think it's hard to let your mind go there.
If I knew it was my last day on earth, I would watch the sun rise and feel the warmth on my face, I'd leave the dishes, I'd turn off the phone and TV, gather all my family around me, make sure each one of them knew how much I love them. I'd hold my grandson's, I'd breathe in the scent of Ezra's baby smell, I'd look into Recker's eyes and talk to him with my heart. We would watch The Sound of Music and eat popcorn as a family---then I'd take a picture with each one of them and tell them why they are so important to me, and why I love them so much--I'd tell them I want no empty seats in Heaven--everyone of them needs to be there--we are an Eternal Family, then we'd go outside and watch the beautiful sunset of the Arizona sky..... and I'd have them sing me to sleep with Primary songs.
Now it's getting late and I need to rest,  tomorrow I will wake up and HOPE for all prayers to be answered.  I want to go to a place where the hurt ends and the healing begins--I want to be  wrapped up in the arms of HIS mercy--I just need this one more time--please, just one more time.

Next Up Surgery Dec 10th

I have spent several days at Mayo Clinic, the past few months.  It is time to remove the cancer in my ear canal.  I was sitting at work with my supervisor one day a couple of weeks ago and she interrupted me to tell me that blood was dripping from my ear unto my shirt. I quickly grabbed a tissue and covered my ear. Now that blood is combined with blackness, I have to cover it constantly with tissue or it will drip out--when the tissue is not in my ear it feels as though the wind is blowing from one ear out the other.  Not to make light of this, but maybe there really is nothing in between my ears--ha ha Dr Barr's will take my ear off, lay it to the side of my head where he can see more clearly what is happening down the ear canal--my ear has had so many surgeries on it as a child, the ear canal is smaller than an infants, so it makes it hard for him to see how bad or good it really is in there.

  As a young child I was standing outside of our home throwing a football back and forth to the neighbor kids across the street, someone had rolled over the ball with their car and the tube inside the football was bursting through the seems,  but it didn't keep us from throwing the ball we loved those simple pleasures.  As I caught the ball it blew up in my hands, I immediately grabbed my ear, it began to bleed and my mother rushed me to the hospital, once again for another surgery, the eardrum had exploded. This time it was not able to be repaired enough for me to ever be allowed to be immersed in water--no swimming, no baptism--those things were not a big part of my worries at that time I was so little I didn't think of it as a burden.  I do remember being in that hospital more times than I ever wanted to be--same room--same nurses--same surgeries, seemingly to get progressively worse after each surgery.  Dr Brian Borland was my ENT, I loved him because he loved my grandmother who was an RN at the hospital where he worked and he always told me incredible stories about her--she passed away having melanoma and he was always impressed with her ability to live as long as she did--she was a fighter.

I never swam, I was baptized at the age of 10 with my ear covered in complete packing, taped down and covered with plastic--with all of that said and done it never took away from the spirit I felt that day.

  At age 29 I began to have symptoms of my equal Librium being off, and I was falling to the ground, actually Eric and I would laugh about it, being young and newly married we had no idea what was going on--I went to see Dr.Borland he took one look in my ear and sent me to another ENT specialist, I'm assuming much like Dr. Barr's at Mayo Clinic, he specializes in the inner ear only, his official title is Department of Otolaryngology, Ontology and Neurology department.  He explained after he takes the ear off and is able to see the tumor he cannot give me a clear indication as to the severeness of it, but is 70% sure it is in tact and will be able to be taken out.  Then he will graft skin from my back or another part of my body to cover the hole in my ear drum,  he will make a small hole in the eardrum to allow relief of pressure.  We want to attach the Bone Anchored Hearing Aid --the proper name is the Cochlear Baja device for people with SSD, single sided deafness. Basically I will never be able to have hearing restored in my right ear, but with this device it will take the sound from the bone and nerves on my right ear to the bone and nerves on my left ear to help me hear better with the good ear --getting older it is getting even harder to hear, and this will give me a better quality of life.  The day before  my mother died, I was told because of the Obama Care,  what was approved last year is now not covered anymore--It was a let down but I have lived without hearing in that ear for so long, I can do it and continue to read lips, until it is approved.

 This recovery will be long and hard.  I'm not sure what he means by that, chemo and radiation were no walk in the park, and I've had plenty of ear surgeries.  Today I tried to get a clear picture of what my ear looks like....it's hard to see in there, but I forgot to put the tissue in today when Kayla came over and she was pretty sickened by what it looks like, so I'd better keep it covered and cleared from getting infection.  You may be wondering why we are waiting until the 10th of December to have the surgery done, well that was my decision, I need to see one of my oncologists on December 3rd which was the earliest Dr. Barr's could get me in, so I opted for my pre-op appointment on December 3rd after my Dr. Magtibay appointment, then surgery on the 10th.  Yesterday, Eric and I went to the Audiology department at the Mayo Clinic on Shea to have another hearing test done for the insurance company, I'm pretty sure the audiologist was grossed out when she saw the cotton ball soaked in black cancerous goop, and blood, she asked "Has Dr. Barr's seen you recently? because that does not look good" After explaining to her I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and now he is on vacation I do not want any other doctor doing this surgery, she proceeded with the hearing test, only on the left side this time since they now are convinced I have 0% hearing in the right ear--left ear hearing is still there same as last year--just a tad bit worse--nothing to be alarmed about.  Hopefully the insurance will listen to my plea for an exception to be made, so I do not have to go through yet another ear surgery.

Carcinoma in the ear canal (I wish mine looked this good)

this is a smaller version on the hole in my eardrum--mine is now completely blown out.

On December 10th, I will once again go into a surgery room at Mayo Clinic, praying to the Lord to help me fight this thing. Someone asked me today, "are you tired of this?" I said "tired of what? this is just life, and happens to be mine" but honestly it is getting harder and harder for me to remain optimistic, especially since its 3:00 am and I need to go to bed.  Today, during Sacrament I was in tremendous pain, but wanted to go and take the sacrament and then listen to the testimonies born hoping I can feel the spirit and be lifted again to a higher level.  I also had forgotten take my aspirin m the past couple days and the slurring started this morning.  I hesitated walking up to the pulpit but the spirit led me by some of things Norma Hastings said, and I knew the people in our ward would understand.  I have no idea what I said, and am hoping what was said was understood because the words were coming from my heart.   I can't explain how hard it is to get sentences to come out the way you want them to but they don't.  I honestly, felt the spirit today Heaven's angels were helping me.  After Sacrament, a dear friend of mine told me a story, an experience she had during my mothers funeral, I don't feel comfortable sharing her experience, but that experience was reconfirmed to her while at the Temple last week,  It was exactly what I need to hear--so my sweet friend if you are reading this I love you, and I thank you for sharing such a intimate experience you had with the spirit.  I love  you.

The carcinoma is my ear is now a little out of control I cannot go for over an hour without the black soaking through the cotton balls--It's time for the surgery.  Tuesday I will see my oncologist, Thursday I will have my preop, and the following Tuesday I will have surgery.