Sunday, March 23, 2014

Don't Look Back

This has been an emotional week for me.  I had several restless nights, pleading with the Lord to help me sleep, my mind has been racing I needed His arms, He always calms me when I allow the spirit to speak to me with a feeling of  peace.  I've been allowed to see the faces of Eric's mom and dad, I've been blessed to speak with them in dreams, it has been so real, when I awake I'm upset because I want to stay there.  There is no one person except for Viola Williams who has ever put me at ease when I've needed it.  Oh how I look forward to the day when my physical body will leave this earth and join with them--they are my serenity in a world that sometimes feels empty and lonely.

I wish so badly I could talk to Vi, I trust the Lord's plan for me but sometimes it leaves me shaking and wondering if I am getting in the way of allowing myself to let go.  I'm grateful for the times when I can serve others so to keep my brain in "compassion mode".

I never thought I would have to make decisions for myself that if made incorrectly could lead me right back where I started.  I need rescuing, I don't want anymore surgeries.  Seeing my doctor Monday was not a pleasant appointment, I cried on the way home, and then felt guilty for doing it.  I keep thinking even the bravest of people have got to have moments of fear....right?  These will be my 12th and 13th surgeries I have had at Mayo Clinic within 4 years--when does it end, when is it enough?

This week I received emails from several Doctors asking me to come and speak to young new doctors, they all started the email saying they have read parts of my blog....not knowing how to respond, I put them off for now.  Except for one, she seemed sincere to want to help these young pre-med students at ASU to hear a cancer patients perspective, show the human side of what actually goes through a cancer patients head as they conquer each day, inch by inch trying to eliminate the negative and concentrate on the positive.  I spoke with her on the phone Friday, and will be speaking at ASU in April.

I had my whole life mapped out, I was content with my life, then when the VILLAIN invaded, there was this huge mountain I had to climb, I tried in the beginning to find ways around it, but soon found there was no where to go but uphill, a hard difficult hill.  I was broken hearted when I started to climb it, I still have not reached the top of that mountain, I've prayed many times for Him to take it all away, I've seen miracles along the way, miracles I never thought I would or could endure.

 I would never trade the sleepless nights, or the grace He has bestowed upon me.  I don't think I would of ever recognized those miracles, or rainbows if I had not gone through what I've been going through.  Yes, I have tears, yes I have doubt at times, but ultimately this has truly been a trial I would never change.  Every bit of fear, doubt and pain I've felt has been a testimony builder.  I still don't know why, I question if my heart  or body can take anymore--I have taken the rain with the sunshine along this journey, not always seeing a rainbow-but on those days when I was blessed with those tender mercies, it gave me strength to keep climbing.  I wonder what the view looks like from the top of that mountain......?


lorie said...

You're constant spiritual insight and strong testimony of the Savior are helping countless others endure to the end and put things into perspective. Your writing is gritty and gut-wrenching. But it's also poetic and simple and sweet. I have become a better person by knowing you and reading your thoughts. Keep it up. Never give up. You're an inspiration to me and I love you for it.