Not Ready to Say Goodbye

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have to say "goodbye" to my children and husband, Have I done everything I can think of to be a good mom and wife? NO, is the answer !! How can I look in their eyes and say goodbye? I have so much to do still so much to accomplish. Kayla just became a mom for the 1st time, although she is an amazing mommy, I like to think she needs my help, she teaches me so much everyday about motherhood, patience, kindness and unconditional love.
Life with Kayla has always been easy, she has been a wonderful daughter to me, as a small child she graced us with her smile and contagious laughter. when I look at her now I see a daughter of God who is strong and ready for the life that she and Jeremy will have together but NO I am not ready to say goodbye to her.
Blake, my sweet Blake I love him so much he is my only son and the day he was born I knew he was going to be a valiant servant of our Heavenly Father. He was a big baby 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long, he came out big and to this day has the biggest heart of any young man I know. As a small boy he could melt my heart with his big blue eyes, he was a mischievous little boy curious about the world around him, definitely loved being in the outdoors and still does, Heavenly Father knows him... he knew the mission he sent him on would not only give him joy but growth. He has become a wise and faithful soldier of the Lord and continues to want to give more of who he is to us and to the Lord. NO, I'm not ready to say goodbye to that boy.
Kaitlyn, the one who has deemed as most like me, and she is, she has my personality, my looks (sorry about that one) and my strength I love everything about her, but yet doubt myself as a mother so many times, when my best is not enough she has always lifted me up with just a smile or a "reality check" She did everything early, she rolled over before she was 2 months old, she was running around the church by 7 months, we could not keep up with her. Her personality was and is outgoing, the room would light up when she came in, but we always wondered what mess we were going to have to clean up. She has always made us happy, she has a strong testimony and now as a wife she is teaching me how to do it right. I have so much to learn from her, she was spiritually prepared and ready when the Lord introduced her to Brian and now they are building their marriage with strength and love of the Lord, together they will be able to listen when HE whispers to their souls answers to their prayers. YES, I want to watch them grow together, so NO I'm not ready to say goodbye, not yet.
Haleigh is my baby, and will always be my baby. Eric and I planned her, we were so excited when she was born. Her personality was quiet and reserved. I remember looking at her one day when she was about 9 months old and thinking she is going to be a leader, a strong daughter of God who will always be an example of what a young woman should be, over the years I have seen her become faithful and steady, pure and holy a compassionate young woman. I know our Heavenly Father looks down on her and surrounds her with his spirit. I do see in her what Heaven sees in her, and I am not ready to say goodbye to my baby who has so much more to give the world, I want to be here when she chooses her eternal companion and is married in the Temple. I want to see her become a mother and share her spirit with her children.
Eric, what can I say he has seen me through so much in my life, I love him eternally. I could not look him in the face and tell him I am ready to leave, leave you here with the mess after I'm gone. I want to take back every time I was angry or upset with him. Does it really matter if the closet is not cleaned, or the bed not made, why did I get mad at the garage not being cleaned out unless I did it, (I've always thought that was a mans job) why couldn't we do it together? Do we really need a new car, or the best of EVERYTHING? No we don't, I remember Eric's mom telling me one time before she died, "If Eric comes home from work and wants to just sit and talk or go for a drive, and you don't want to because there are dishes in the sink, you go, you go because the dishes will be there when you get home, but you do not know if tomorrow You or Eric will be there" This is so true, we never know what obstacles will be put in our path along the way, and in our marriage we have had a few and I have stayed home to do the dishes, I'm sorry I did.... the dishes are still there....who cares? if anyone really cares that my house is a mess then they need to be faced with a life or death journey. This journey I am on is teaching me, I am learning to leave the dishes and enjoy the moment. So on this late night I finish this entry by saying a prayer, kneeling and pleading again with my Heavenly Father to help through this fight. My peace is in your hands, please calm these storms that I am in, please give me another chance to feel strong and faithful, forgive me for being "in the world" instead of listening to your whispers in my ear when you said so many times "be still and know that I am God" or the last few months when you have said to me "dear daughter of mine, lets fight this together, it is a mountain but we can climb it together" I just want another chance please let me rise up from this, I will do better next time I promise, I am a child of God who wants another chance.