|Kaitlyn and Phoenix- so dang cute|
Kaitlyn and Brian's little guy Phoenix is incredibly sweet, inquisitive and loving. This week I was sitting with him watching old pictures of our family pop up on the computer roll. Phoenix took my hand and said "Chair" so I sat with him and watched as the pictures rolled--oh so many memories. He pointed at each family member and announced their name in his own way. I noticed several pictures came up of me myself when I could smile, he pointed and said "mom" I said "No that's Bon Bon" he then replied with 'No, mom" When a picture appeared of me in Mayo hospital just after my facial paralysis, Phoenix said "Bon Bon" Talk about a dose of reality, I love Phoenix, I loved that moment with him. The innocence and authenticity of a child is unmatched and sacred to me. I love his honesty, he has nothing to gain or lose by simply saying it like it is. In that moment I realized I'm not crazy what I see in the mirror is what everyone else see's, and it's ok I wouldn't want an adult to tell me what they really see, it would be rude and hurtful, but having this moment with Phoenix has been constant on my mind.
I am grateful the Lord hears me when I tell him I want to fight, I want to be reassured by Him. His loving arms have surrounded me when I want to give up. I live in such a lonely world, not having anyone to relate to has been difficult. I know I have changed in so many ways, I'm not as out spoken as I used to be, I listen in a different way. I realize there are no human eyes that can understand what I am going through--it literally has been the hardest experience I have ever had. Eric has been a great care-giver THE BEST but still he does not understand the loneliness I feel at times. I am so thankful for Mark Christiansen who has been a great friend for Eric to lean on. I do not eat in public, it's a hurdle I am trying to overcome. Eric and Mark spend time together especially on days or nights when I just don't want to face the world.
As much as I understand the Lord knows what I am going through, it sometimes has not been enough for me to get through lonely nights of sorrow. There are some heart aches that I know I have to work out on my own--in the end, when I've done all that I can do to get through--He finally rescues me, He carries me through to the next challenge, just enough to give me some peace. I count each new day as a blessing but I am not afraid of death.
I remember nights when Blake was on his mission I knelt at his bedside and poured my heart and soul out to the Lord, begging and pleading for him to lift the heavy load at least long enough for me to see Blake return home. Now I want so badly to ask "Why is this happening to me, how do I endure and why am I still alive?" I'm tired, really exhausted trying to keep my mind on happy things only to be surprised with more bad news, more surgery and the fear of one more recovery.
I've felt forgotten at times and wondered if my prayers were being heard, many times it takes the tears and pain to pass for me to realize He needed to withhold immediate relief because He has bigger and better promises for me. With all that I've gone through I know He has a purpose for me I know if He always gives me everything I want I would not grow and learn. It's so easy to write those words but quite another story to live through it. There have been so many blessings that have been disguised and difficult to recognize.
I'm still trying to learn how to trust and believe in myself, it's so hard to have heartbreak over things I have no control over. Trading off earthly needs or wants for Heavenly promises that are unknown at the moment has been hard to succumb to. I am so happy but there are times I let the world define my circumstances; at those times I wonder if I have let the Lord down by not fully trusting in Him and His plan for me. I've come to realize the natural woman in me will always have doubt, fear and tears but no matter what He loves me, even when I hold back my heart for people who really do care about me. In spite of all my faults and mistakes He will always love me. It may take me more time to truly understand I don't have to earn His love He loves me just the way I am. He knows me, all of me my thoughts, my fears, yet He is always there for me.