Thursday, July 10, 2014

Beauty is from within

I'm not sure where to start.  It's difficult for me to type, but I know I need to record what has happened this past week. I was so happy when Eric came for my surgery, he makes everything better, we have never been apart for this long and it has been hard on both of us. 7 weeks of waiting is a difficult road to ride.  I read my new Live Happy Magazine over and over Knowing I Can Make A
Difference--figuring out how was the hard part.

On July 3rd I arrived at the Cleveland Clinic around 5:30 am, Eric and Diana were with me.  As I paced the floor not wanting anyone to talk to me or touch me, I realized I was having a panic attack and prayed to Heavenly Father to take this pain and anxiety away. He did, and I was soon off to the OR, to get dressed in the hospital gown--It doesn't matter what hospital you're in, the robes are all the same.
Before Eric came back to see me off to surgery, I said several quick prayers asking Heavenly Father to watch over the surgeons hands, and if it be His will that he would allow me to heal from this odd, unexpected trial I was facing.  I wanted to put my head under the pillow and hold it down so I can scream, cry and forge through this quickly.

Frenchy sending me off to surgery

Ready for Surgery with Diana Lents
Eric gave me a kiss on the forehead as they wheeled me into the OR, it was difficult to maintain my composure, tears flowed from my eyes and onto my pillow. Down the hallways of Cleveland Clinic I saw a wall that had 30-50 white coats hanging on hooks, I started to cry again.  Those coats belong to doctors, doctors who will come to the hospital,  take their white coat off the hook and go to work. The tears continued to flow as nurses came up to me asking what they could do for me--I shook my head back and forth,  and watched them walk away not knowing what to do.  I just wanted them to put me out and get going on this surgery. I always look forward to going to my Happy Place in Paris Port Jaune, Eric and I pick wild flowers, ride bikes and have a picnic, leaving the rest of the world and worries behind.  I'm ready to move on with the surgery and hopefully put this chapter to rest,

This picture still brings me to tears, Eric is the
most positive person I know--thank you Frenchie
I woke up in recovery with a lot of pain, I was trying to process where the pain was coming from, as the Nurse said "Mrs. Williams time to wake up, do you know where you are?" "how many fingers am I holding up?" It was then that I realized the surgery was over, my immediate response was to touch my head, to see what damage had been done. It was an 11 hour surgery, lots of anesthesia, blood, and what's this? a neck brace--I'm confused--Eric and Diana came into recovery, Eric told me I was beautiful. I thought  him saying I was beautiful was so sweet. I knew it wasn't true, how can I be beautiful with blood all over me, a swollen head and staples making their way down my skull like a train track?
Just out of surgery

So happy to be with this guy
a kiss from Frenchy

Going back to my room I kept going in and out of consciousness, not only does Cleveland have bumpy roads, the driver taking me back to the room was bumping into walls and doors.  He also asked me what I would like him to sing for me, really? He wanted to sing, I said OK Luther would be good, so he starting singing  Luther Vandross 'Here and Now' I told him it was beautiful, but not to quit his day job. He put his pointer finger to his mouth as if to shhh me.  We arrived at my room, I had a few minutes before Eric and Diana arrived so I cried a little.  When Eric walked in my room I was overwhelmed with immediate love and peace.  With Eric I don't have to say a word and he knows what I'm thinking sure don't want to disappoint him, He has been my rock and my best friend through all of this nonsense.

 On day 2 at the hospital it was a Holiday..the 4th of July..The doctors on my team sent their residents to visit me.  One resident told me he was there in place of my pain doctor and he would put in orders for  my pain medicine.  Within a half hour my pain was slowly rising to a 6, I beeped for the nurse and asked her for pain medicine.  She said she would get it right away, within a few more minutes my pain rose to a level 7, I beeped for the nurse again asking for pain medicine she then told me the resident did not put any orders in for pain medicine.....WHAT??.. by now I was at a level 8 going on 9....the pain was so bad  I started to cry, then I asked the nurse to please call my husband, I just wanted him there. From this point on, I tried to process happy thoughts, happy moments, sometimes it worked sometimes it just didn't.  I stared at the clock not only waiting for the meds but also wanting Eric to be with me, he always seems to make things better.  I was out of breath and crying so hard trying to catch any breath I can the sweet nurse rubbed my arms and legs trying to help, but she too was crying so we were not getting too far.  I tried to sing "Be still my soul" through the gulps of air, then I sang "Come thou fount" trying to tune my heart to Him.  I sang "I feel my Saviors Love"
  My room was right in front of the nurses desk so they could watch me and monitor my pain levels. I was staring at the clock and whimpering loudly, out of control.  I was on my own, I felt deserted, left alone, scared and crying the hardest I ever had in my life.  I was yelling in between cries, "Why have you ignored my pleas and prayers?" I literally felt this was going to be my last day on earth and I would not be able to say good-bye to Eric. I was inspired before I went into this long surgery to write  letters  to Eric and each one of my children.  I paged the nurse and asked her if she had gotten in touch with Eric, she said no,  I asked her to please give him this letter in case I didn't make it.

The other patients in the area where I was were complaining, telling the nurses to get my doctor or move them so they wouldn't have to hear me--I tried so hard to stop crying, the nurses were coming in saying how sorry they were but they couldn't do anything until they heard from the doctor.  I could hear nurses at the station outside of my room, they were laughing and joking with each other.  The cackling of laughter I heard I will never forget.  My desperate cry for help was falling on deaf ears.   After an hour and fifteen minutes the resident came into my room. He walked up to me and said "Why are you crying? It can't hurt that bad." I was covering my mouth, because I knew I must have looked horrible. Then he said something that made me want to kick him "Why are you covering your mouth?" Looking back on this I say "Are you kidding me?"I also recognize he was showing off as the senior resident to the junior residents.  I didn't respond except with a cry and loud scream "Please help me" finally the pain medicine was surging through my veins  with purpose and strength. I handed him my Live Happy Magazine and asked him to read this book with a humble heart. As he walked out of the room I heard the nurse ask "Where have you been for an hour and 15 minutes. we have been paging you?" Arrogantly as possible he turned looked at the nurse and said "I don't have to answer to you."  When I could finally speak without trembling, I didn't want to, I just wanted Eric.  I had been waling and gnashing from side to side for an hour and 15 minutes, it took every bit of energy I had.  My heart was racing but my blood pressure was low.  When Eric arrived all was calm, he had no idea except he asked me "Sweetheart have you been crying?"  Uh--just a bit, and I could see the hurt in his eyes as I told him,  He said no one ever called him, which now in retrospect I realize it  was probably better.  He never gets mad,  but I'm pretty sure this was not going to be acceptable behavior,  I know he would of gone crazy seeing me in that much pain.

Today I had my post op appointments with the surgeons, they told me my ear looks great and everything is healing perfectly, still I am in a lot of pain and I just want to go home.
I was told I can go home, and that I will need to see the doctor once a week for the next few weeks, then at 2 months we will see how the nerve in my face has regenerated. The doctors told me this type of major surgery with nerves takes at least 6-8 months to see results, so patience is going to be my middle name.  Tonight I am exhausted from the appointments, I am grateful for my doctors and I am looking forward to seeing my family.  The happiness I feel in my heart far out weighs the horrible experience I had at the hospital.  I'm going to live happy with the results of my surgery no matter what.
Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment  by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future.  I believe Eric was right when he said "you are beautiful" I'm learning that beauty is from within us, I choose to be happy and not let the new look define who I am.

I think I look terrible here, but my sister
said, "well you have no wrinkles, Nerium
is working"  

I was able to send those beautiful nurses who took such great care of me the Live Happy Magazine, with a note telling them how grateful I was for them during such a difficult time.


Life at The Hadenfeldt's said...

Monya, I am so glad that you were able to write this. I have been very concerned as, it seems many others have been too. I am so grateful for your positivity in such a trial. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I love you and pray for you! Eternally.

Nichole Barney said...

Tears are streaming down my face! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are an amazing strong women and teach me so much every time I read your posts. I hope your pain is under control. My thoughts and prayers are with you always!

Marie (Holloway) said...

I am so glad you were able to write that and let us know what you are going through. You have so many people praying for you, I hope that give you some relief and hope and peace. You ARE beautiful, inside and out. You are one of the strongest people I know and your strength is helping others. Prayers continue through your healing. Love you!

Anonymous said...

You inspire me. I pray for you every single day. I love you Monya!