Summer 2010

We enjoyed the 4th of july at our condo in Mexico, and now we are in the cool weather of Park City Utah. I love spending time with my family.

Recker Love

His laughter is contagious. I am the most blessed grandma in the world. Life is perfect with Recker in it.

Love From The DR

I love Wednesdays when I can stalk my emails waiting to hear from Blake, today he sent these pictures and said he is so happy. He is now in his 10th month and the language is great, he is able to communicate very well with the people. His new companion does not know any English so he is looking forward to getting spanish mastered even better the next 6 weeks. It makes my heart happy to know he is doing what he wants to do right now.

Elder Williams (Blake) and his new companion Elder Miranda

Elder Williams (Blake) and Darlin at his baptism

Elder Miranda, Arlyne and Elder Williams

Members who came to the baptism

Darlin and his Familia

Perspective

Last year Eric and I were enjoying the 4th of July at our condo in Mexico, and although he and I have always enjoyed our time together I think I have taken it for granted. I knew that he and I would be together forever, so I think I never really enjoyed the little things, always expecting big things to be the attraction. I have come to understand and appreciate things like a husband who listens to his wife get sick but who still wants to kiss her, not for his own satisfaction but to show his pure love for her. Eric so many times during my sickness this past year has gone the extra mile to make sure I was comfortable, he never wanted me to be in pain or be embarrassed about how I looked, he has told me everyday how beautiful I am, I know when I look in the mirror he and I are not looking at the same person. Now here it is one year later, we are at the condo in Mexico and my perspective is so different. Everyday since we have been hear I have taken some time to myself to sit on the beach and reflect. Today I watched two little boys, they looked like brothers, laughing and dunking each other in the water, their laughter was contagious. I found myself completely engrossed in their childhood play. I don't think I would of taken the time to enjoy that moment a year ago. I watched a little fish who was obviously new at swimming, he was getting a little too close to the shore, as he worked so hard to get out into the ocean a huge wave would push him up a little closer to the beach and again and again he would work hard to get free. Finally after near exhaustion he made it and off he went into the deep blue ocean where he belongs. WOW, that reminded me so much of my journey this past year, every time I would get past one hurdle I felt like a huge wave was smashing me against a rock and more bad news would come, I feel like I am still swimming against the waves but not drowning. Finally I think I can breathe a little, moving forward is really hard knowing the VILLAIN can take over again, the only difference now is I'm forced to think about it, before I never thought VILLAIN would be in my vocabulary. Tonight I sit in my condo listening to the fireworks going off, totally happy and content watching my little grandson crawl around, listening to Kayla and Jeremy play a game at the kitchen table and knowing Eric and Haleigh are down at the beach enjoying the festivities. Right now at this moment I could not be more satisfied with my life for me this is what it is all about.

Embrace it, Enjoy it

Today I decided there are so many good reasons to have short chemo hair:

1. I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes
2. No matter how much I run my fingers through it, it does not get dirty and always stays in shape
3. Even the heavy winds don't mess it up
4. My grandson can't pull it out
5. I have saved a lot of money on shampoo and conditioner
6. No blow drying or straightening it dries in about 5 minutes
7. It's thicker and healthier than it's been since I was a baby (no chemicals)
8. Lots of savings on haircuts and highlights
9. I've been told it brings out the color of my blue eyes
10. It's the new me (well for now anyway)

Not sure if I will ever have my long hair again, so for now I am embracing this new look of mine. I'm not "in love" with the look but I have no choice so I'll find every bit of good in it I can.

New Look for the Blog

Since I'm trying a new way of life, I decided to go all out and try a new blog look too. Everytime I logged on to my blog I got this feeling the VILLAIN was lingering around. This new look I think will help me to move forward, what do you think? I'm loving the new lighter feeling, thank you Michelle I love it.

Love This Boy

Recker at the Hospital

This is my grandson Recker. Kayla had to take him to the Hospital and have some tests run for his Petite Mall Seizures. I cried when I first saw this picture. It's hard to see him like this because he is so sweet and happy all the time.

Blake

It's 3:18 in the morning, I cannot sleep so I am going to try and post. The blessings that come to a family when they have a son serving on a mission are incredible, In some ways I feel like he has been blessed even more than we have. He has learned to rely on the Lord for his comfort and strength. This is a huge step for him, he has struggled in the past with reliance on anyone and questioned his faith in life and in the Lord. As his mission continues we see great stride in his commitment and sacrifice to the service he is doing. He had a baptism last Saturday, they baptized Wellington a 17 year old boy, Blake loves him. It's amazing how close he gets to all the people he works with, the Lord is truly blessing him and watching over him. Elder Smith was transferred yesterday, Blake is now the senior companion and will be speaking only Spanish for at least the next 6 weeks since his companion speaks no english. These are a few of the pictures he sent yesterday:
Elder Smith and Elder Blake

Elder Williams with some local children (I think)

Elder Smith, Wellington and Elder Williams

The day of Wellington's baptism: Ernesto and Nuirka on the left (he is teaching them right now) some of the ward members showed up and the Branch President, Elder Smith, and Elder Williams

Blake being Blake with that creepy look he used to give his sisters to freak them out

The Baptismal Font notice it is outside

This is Olga's Family (she cooks all their food)

The Church Building in Constanza

Delfi, Elder Williams and Wellington

Defusing Fear

I wonder can we ever completely heal from deep wounded scars that have effected our lives? I thought I was over some of those fears and childhood traumas that I went through. I went to counseling, I prayed almost as hard as I have the past year to help me to forgive. At times it felt as though these events in my life were holding me back, like the events were huge metal screws fastening down a large metal plate crushing my desire to live. It took me years to finally turn it over to the Lord and let him take this pain from me. I finally got to a place of forgiveness and even began to pray for the perpetrators. When one of the perpetrators died I was at his bedside and it was healing for me. Even though I had forgiven him, I did not see him for over 15 years until the day he died, and he was not conscious so it made it easier for me. I didn't want to go, so I prayed and the the answer came that I should go , a year and 1/2 later I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN. I say this last part because in reading the Anti Cancer there were a couple of chapters that were difficult for me to read without getting emotional. I have read them over and over again marked them highlighted them. The man who wrote this book is a clinical professor of psychiatry, he has counseled with thousands of VILLAIN patients and seems to know his stuff, he hit so much of these feelings I have had over the years right on the nose. He said that trauma in VILLAIN patients can feed the VILLAIN, that so many times people think they are past it, over it but in reality it is still on their mind and still living with it to some degree. I could not believe this when I read it, this is my life he's talking about. It almost made me want to look around and see if there were hidden cameras watching me, how could he know this about me? Although, I have forgiven there are not too many days that go by that I don't recall painful events in my life, the trauma I felt as a young adult being home with my little brother when he died, my parents were out of town and he was only 15. I think about that all the time. Not having my mom in my life for over 17 years now has been unbearable at times, this has been trauma at it's worst. I wonder all the time if I handled these events right, even having confirmation from the Lord and leaders in my life I still think about it and wonder if I could of done something different. During my 20's I went through another horrible trauma that I won't post details about but it changed my life. I'm deaf in one ear because of a traumatic event that took place in my life. I forgave my birth dad for abandoning me, but I spent most of my life in anger and fear because of it.

There was a study done by Barb Anderson a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. She observed 227 breast cancer patients for 11 years they all had either stage 2 or 3 BC.  They all had received conventional treatments. They were all told about nutrition (Anti Cancer recommendations) about exercise and they all learned how to avoid stress in their lives with simple yoga exercises. The results were remarkable, The group of women who practiced all they were taught and made lifestyle changes had a 56% lower mortality rate. Another study showed 9 out of 10 women who had BC (out of 4000 women interviewed) had some type of traumatic event happen in their lives. WOW .... that is huge to me. Mostly because when I look at the risk factors for BC I have none of them, I have always been physically fit, an athlete, I have eaten pretty good... well with the exception of liking refined sugar and white flour in my baked goods... ha ha but I have always been able to control my portions. I am not obese, I didn't start my period before the age of 12 in fact I didn't start until I was a junior in high school, these are all mentioned in the risk factors none of them apply to me. So I guess my question to myself is how do I completely purge myself of all the trauma I have experienced in my life so that I can live a stress free life? Is it possible to do? It's time for me to stop thinking of this as if I am a simple observer, looking on as if it were another little girl it happened to, and look at it for what it is, or was...... FEAR has paralyzed me for too long.