Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas 2011

Is there anything better than children at Christmas?  I have so enjoyed Recker this year, he has the cutest personality, and a smile that will warm any heart.  Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look a little scarce in some spots and I love it.  He brings a special spirit into our home.

 There are times when I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking.  Autism, though sad in so many ways can also be very interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us, he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off of gluten and dairy, it seems to really make a difference in his moods and behavior.  In my kitchen I have a candy jar with gluten free suckers,  many times we will walk in the kitchen to find him staring up at the jar signing the word "PLEASE" how cute is he?  He loves to watch Disney movies and sometimes will start laughing so hard we can't help but rewind over and over again to capture those moments.  If there was only one wish I could have for this new year it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, maybe just say mom or dad those are easy right?  I love to watch him as he plays alone, he babbles in a language only he understands, recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room he ran after me grabbed my hand and brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes, loves to play in them, and on them.  I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist)  He loved it, we also bought him a little motorcycle, what a smile he had on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home.  This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Dr. David Servan Schreiber Dies

Today I was searching on the Internet for some information about cancer, actually trying to find another book written by Dr. David Servan Schreiber,  he wrote  the ANTI CANCER a book I read shortly after getting out of radiation therapy.  My research found that he had passed away in July 2011, just a few months ago.  My heart hurt when I read this, his book has helped me to give up sugars, flours and preservatives for the past year and a half. I learned from him to live with NO REGRETS and this has been Eric and my theme for the past couple years.  He lived much longer than he should have because he changed his way of eating, exercise and enviormental thinking.
 This is the article I read about him:

Obituary: Dr. David Servan-Schreiber Empowered Cancer Patients

Dr. David Servan-Schreiber (CS’89,’90), who was awarded an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Carnegie Mellon’s commencement this past May, died of brain cancer on Sunday, July 24. He was 50.

Servan-Schreiber’s career spanned two continents as a professor and physician in Pittsburgh and Paris. After completing two medical degrees, Servan-Schreiber earned a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience at CMU under the guidance of Jay McClelland and Nobel Laureate Herbert Simon.

Servan-Schreiber’s distinguished career touched many Pittsburgh institutions, including senior leadership posts at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where he co-founded the Center for Integrative Medicine, and academic appointments at the University of Pittsburgh and CMU. He published more than 90 scientific monographs and lectured at leading international academic centers.

One of the seven co-founders of the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Doctors without Borders U.S., Servan-Schreiber served in Iraq, Guatemala, India, Tajikistan and Kosovo, addressing epidemics among refugees. He served as a member of the organization’s board for nine years.

In 1992, at age 31, Servan-Schreiber discovered a tumor in his own brain while conducting brain-imaging research. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and given six months to live. Confronting his illness and marshaling his own will to live, he embarked upon a 16-year journey fighting and seeking to understand his illness, culminating in his 2008 international bestseller, “Anticancer: A New Way of Life.” The book and his international lectures have empowered cancer patients and survivors with knowledge and tools to combat the disease.

Servan-Schreiber is the eldest son of the world-renowned Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber, the late politician, publisher and co-founder of the French newspaper L'Express. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber was a distinguished lecturer at CMU during the years that his four sons, David, Franklin (E'86, HSS'89), Emile (S'85, HSS'89,'91) and Edouard (S'88) were students at the university. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber worked closely with Raj Reddy, CMU's Mozah Bint Nasser University Professor, as founder and president of the World Center for Informatics and Human Resources.

The funeral will be held in Paris on Thursday, July 28.

After he was told in 2010 that another brain tumor had been found — he called it “the Big One” — Dr. Servan-Schreiber wrote a third book, “We Can Tell Each Other Goodbye Several Times,” with Ursula Gauthier, a journalist. Many viewed it as a final testament.
“Death is part of the life process; everyone goes through it,” he said in one of his last interviews. “It is very reassuring in itself.”

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Happiness is a CHOICEšŸš©

Have you ever heard someone say "he/she just doesn't make me happy anymore" ? I have, recently.  It's made me think about what makes people happy.  I'm happy when Recker smiles big with his teeth showing, I love that, I'm happy when my house is clean, or when my husband gets home from a hard day at work but still finds time to come in the kitchen and give me a big hug (I love hugs)  I was overwhelmingly happy to see Blake when he got home from the Dominican Republic after 2 years.  There are so many people and things that make me happy-for sure too many to name-but is it an accumulation of all those things that truly bring happiness?  I have to say I have been disappointed by others and allowed other people's choices effect my life in a negative way--what a shame  and a waste of precious time.   True lasting happiness comes from within ourselves, no one else can give that to you, like others I had to learn the hard way.  When I found out I had breast cancer it was like a huge maillot hit me over the head, I finally had clarity ...... it was time to clean house so to speak-- I needed to do some maintenance work on myself and find out what really matterd, then get rid of the rest--  For me, my happiness now comes from a deeper place in my heart, I'm OK with the choices of other people, and although they can make me sad it does not effect my eternal happiness because I know who I am, I know where I came from and I know where I want to be.  Seriously? it's taken me 48 years to figure this stuff out?  I have never, ever said I was a good student.. ha ha.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Oopsie Daisey..

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie daisey.  Honestly it's been incredibly busy in my life.  I am working 4 days a week now, lots of flights are being cancelled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here.  I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline.  Tomorrow I will going to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman, he will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back.  Can you say ouch?  Hopefully this will help with the pain and I will able to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
 I drove to Mayo Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect.  As I walked through the doors it reeked of chemo and hospital smell.  I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank.  Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeated it over and over again trying to get his attention, I really thought he was going to die.  Behind me a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone "HE" had just passed away and they need to get to the the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack, by now my mind is thinking "concentrate Monya, don't pay any attention  to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang, it was Eric checking in on me, boy was  I happy to hear his voice. Finally they sent me up to the 5th floor, pain clinic on the elevator we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me, she was crying I wanted to hug her, but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries.  We made a stop on the 2nd floor and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator, I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death.  Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check, Mayo has a way of doing that to me.  She only went up one floor and I noticed she was on the patients floor, probably going to visit a family--I was sad about that.  We continued to the 5th floor, the lady with the tears went left and I went right--just like that those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me.....and I will likely never see them again.
I approach the pain clinic check in and they hand me a stack of papers to fill out, seriously???  what else could they possibly need from me, they know everything there
is to know, they've taken my boobs, my hair, my uterus and 100's of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour, today instead of anxiety meds I am going to read my scriptures while I wait, it worked.  After an hour and a half of scripture study they called me back for the procedure.  I really like Dr. Freeman, the procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but lets face it no one likes to be poked and prodded with needles.  I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today I am  tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO.  Even as I type that out I feel guilty for feeling that way, I have so much to be grateful for, I am pretty darn blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when there are so many people struggling today at Mayo.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

I love this little guy with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving Recker
Today I'm thankful for so many things, mostly family.  I have truly been blessed with an incredible family that I love so much.  I woke up this morning with  Turkey smell throughout the house, we have a tradition of putting the turkey in the oven the night before because we eat around noon on Thanksgiving.  I made chocolate, coconut, banana and pumpkin pies, mashed potatoes, gravy, and 2 jello salads.  Raylani's family came over, they are so good about pitching in and bringing food.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love the fall weather and the feeling I get when I'm with family.  This year Blake was here with us, I honestly never thought this day would come, I have missed him so much.  2 days ago I had to meet him in the Walmart parking lot to trade cars with him, when I pulled into the parking lot and saw him sitting in the car waiting for me, I got a huge smile on my face then told him how grateful I am that he is home with us.  It is seriously a luxury to have all my children in town, be able to hug and love on them everyday.  I hope I never take that for granted, family is the most important part of my life.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What is Normal?

So the other day I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing, and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home--his reply was "mom, I feel like I'm getting back to normal again" I then asked him "what is normal son?"  then we had a long conversation about being normal.  My thoughts are still on that conversation.  I told him that our normals continually should be changing.   Two and a half years ago my normal was certainly different than they are now, I was worried about children, getting up going to work, worrying about children, making dinner every night, worrying about children, cleaning house, training for a marathon, worrying about children.  Then Blake surprised us with deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW did my normal change in a heartbeat.  Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on a back burner--now my normal was how can I do this? every thought that occupied my thoughts were -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer, and Eric, my sweet husband having to see me go through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? how could I let him see me bald and sick? and more important than all I worried he would worry too much about me.... I needed everything to just go back to "normal"  Soon my normal became trips to Mayo Clinic on a regular basis, no exercising, certainly forgetting about my marathon running, missing my son terribly and worrying that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family, I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric.  Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs and seeing oncologists were now my normal.  Soon my normal became kneeling and praying morning, day and night, begging pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing.  Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing,  especially not for myself and now it was another normal for me.
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life.  I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge.  I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.

Friday, November 11, 2011

American Cancer SocietyšŸš©

I was recently asked to speak at an American Cancer Society event in Gilbert.  A bit intimidated and hesitant I decided it would be good for me to take on the challenge.  I'm grateful I had Eric, Haleigh, Haleigh B, Kayla and my sister Sonya there for the moral support.  The ACS asked me to speak about my journey with cancer, and the programs that ACS offers cancer patients and their families.  This is all still so fresh in my mind, I was afraid I would just cry through the entire speech--I'm glad to say I didn't cry the whole time--just part of it.  It was surreal to actually speak to people about the journey I've had.

 October was National Breast Cancer Awareness month, and although I am a supporter of finding a cure, I also believe that every cancer deserves to be recognized and mentioned as much as breast cancer is.  Some of the largest money makers out there are doing just that MAKING MONEY and putting it  in their pockets, not using the money to go towards the cause, very few non profit organizations give 100% back to the cause, in fact one of the largest "non-profit" organizations made over 300 million dollars in 2010  and only 20% went into actual research or programs for breast cancer patients.  When people ask me about supporting breast cancer awareness month I always say I do support it but I always make sure where my money is going before I give to a non-profit organization.   ACS supports all research and 100% of all money made through fund raising goes right back into the programs they have for cancer patients and their families.. I LOVE IT.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

It can always be worse

1/2 marathon in Mesa Arizona
I spent a few days at the Mayo Clinic this week--tests and more tests trying to figure out what is going on with my hip and back--
I met a new doctor,  he walked in said "hello, nice to meet you" in his darling cute German accent, then it was all business after that- he never smiled or looked at me in the face, he had me doing all these different walks,  on my toes, on my heels, walk there, walk here and never once smiled or looked at me-me, as in looked at my face or eyes--so I'm just going to say it --  he will never be a
Dr. Peter  Kreymerman-- he then ordered more tests and sent me to the physical therapist-- the entire time looking at his paper work, computer or elsewhere-- so it was "good- bye Dr. what's his face"
Funny thing about Dr. what's his face, the next day while I was waiting to see the physical therapist he walked by looked at me and smiled, I don't think he even knows I'm his patient and I am waiting in this waiting room because he ordered me to-- however, I Love my physical therapist her name is Pauline Lucas.  Good thing I like her we will be spending some time together, 6 weeks of PT 2 times a week.  I will also be getting cortisone shots in my hip and back to help with the pain-- they, (Dr. what's his face) diagnosed my hip with bursitis and my back is the arthritis caused from the amounts of chemo I received.  Pauline, wants me to keep a log of what exercise I am doing every week--she was a little concerned when I told her how much I was running, the cycling she said was a bit obsessive too, I was advised that a woman "my age" should not be doing an access amount of exercise because it is damaging more than healing..."too old, a woman my age?" seriously? what about the 100 year old man who finished a marathon a couple weeks ago?  I have now been told a few times by doctors that I should not be running the amount of miles I run every week--but a part of me wants so badly to run a marathon--it's difficult for me to embrace the words "you can't do it" I promised not to race next Saturday in the 1/2 marathon I've been so earnestly training for, but I did not promise not to do the 5K or 10K--WHAT A RIP OFF I'M BUMMED--I refuse to crawl up in a rocking chair and die -- for an athlete like myself it is really hard to cut back on the things I love to do.... I've always been drivin to do better and go further in each run, with my heart monitor watch on constantly seeing how much faster I need to go to beat yesterdays score I track my scores to be able to better my stride and endurance. I've learned from this experience that listening to my doctors advice is probably the best way to go about accomplishing in the end what I need or want for myself, every time I think I know better I end up right back at the beginning, with nothing accomplished--sometimes I feel Like this is what happens when I refuse to listen to answers to prayers too I get in the way of my own progression--I wonder why it is that sometimes we think we know more about ourselves then the Lord does--with that being said I am really, really sad not to be able to run the marathon next weekend--when the doctors talk to me this is what I hear "you are one of the most healthy patient I have ever had"  then the bomb hits "but-you are also the most unhealty patient I have ever had because every side effect you could possibly get from chemo and radiation has happened to you"
-but when I put it all in perspective it could always be worse--

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Recker was dressed as a Lumber Jack this year-- he is so cute, still holding tight to buzz.  He fell asleep before he had a chance to go trick-or-treating.  I tried to get him to take a nap all day but he was not interested.  I love this little guy.

Monday, October 24, 2011


Just when I thought I was done with  neuropathy.... surprise it's back.  My legs feel like the nerves have been exposed to the air again, the pain is sometimes excruciating.  I am learning that a small percentage of people who get neuropathy from the effects of chemo have to deal with it off and on for life--yes, I am one of those people--no big deal I can handle it--
What IS difficult for me to handle is when I talk to women who have stage 1 or 2 breast cancer and now they have recurrence--today when I was at work one of my friends who I have not seen for awhile came over to talk to me, she was wearing a pink beanie to cover her bald head--she went through a double mastectomy a year and a half before I did, (stage 2) now it has metastasized to her lungs--she showed me the xrays --I can not stop thinking about her today.  Cancer really is this ugly VILLAIN, it invades lives, and just when you think you've turned a corner looking to a bright future BOOM it's back to haunt and taunt you, whether a recurrence or side effects it never goes away.

Monday, October 17, 2011

This is a life long JourneyšŸš©

Yesterday Blake spoke in church, he did a beautiful job speaking about the experiences he has had the last 2 years while serving the people in the Dominican Republic.  I was touched listening to him talk about the power of the Atonement in his life-it seems the best conversion story was his own.  His Spanish is flawless, I love to listen to him.  Someone said to me very non-chalantly "so glad you could be here today" at 1st I thought "what are they talking about? I'm here, every week, what does that mean?" then my thoughts immediately went to "you have no idea how glad I am to be here"  HERE as in here on earth, still alive able to see the success of my son, to hear him speak in Spanish so fluently, to see his passion and love for what he believes in,  "Oh yes, I am so glad I'm here too!"
This morning I woke up, knowing I was going to spend the day at Mayo Clinic, I have this love/hate relationship with that place.  I love it for obvious reasons,  and I hate it for more obvious reasons.  The drive to Mayo was much shorter than I expected, my thoughts were wondering--kinda scary for anyone driving down the beeline highway today--some of the things I was thinking about -- the mountains are beautiful, the dessert is dry and I am wondering who I will meet today.
 The 3rd floor smells like always--of sickness and chemo,  there is a stench difficult for me to stomach, especially when I am so nauseated anyway--as I sit in the waiting area I see, like always sick people, some look really, really sick I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be OK, but I know just as well as they do there are no guarantees with the VILLAIN.  I'm not there for long, my name was called within a few minutes as I walk into the infusion lab and see it loaded with people today, it made my heart sad for each of them--my nurse today is Allison, she is pregnant--seriously? can she smell what I smell?   I wonder how does that work for her?  So... I asked her "do these smells bother you?" her response "what smells?" WOW what just happened?  it's hard to believe she can't smell the same things I smell.

Linda-Stage 4 Colon Cancer-What a blessing she is to
her family--so happy and positive

Jenny-- stage 1 Breast Cancer--her husband shaved
his head to match hers--they have a 17 month old baby

Dan-stage 4 colon cancer-metastisized to his lung--
so happy and full of life

Sandy--stage 4 extremely rare cancer--going in tomorrow
to have his bladder removed--will have to wear a colostomy
bag for the rest of his life-yet he made me laugh--
 I loved visiting with him
The girls helped me put some treat bags together (and when I say "girls" I mean Kaitlyn and Haleigh Brownlee)  for all the patients in chemo today, after Allison accessed my port and took all the viles of blood she needed I went around to all the patients and visited with those who wanted to talk, gave them a snack bag and was inspired by each and everyone of them.  This is my favorite part of coming to Mayo--these people are facing life threatening diseases yet they smile and are so positive about life--perspectives change, and I loved all the perspectives today.  Jenny is also a patient of Dr. Kreymerman, she and I high fived each other--then talked a little about him--all good of course.  In case you didn't know I love Dr. Kreymerman-- ha ha.
After spending more than an hour and half in the infusion lab, I was off to get my bone mineral analysis, and X-Rays.  I have always wondered why they make me undress and put on the hospital gown, I thought those machines could see through clothes--they can see through clothes at the airport.
By now I have a splitting head ache--I think trying NOT to be effected by everything going on at Mayo, I get the opposite effect--every little thing I see, hear and smell drains me.  I started early this morning, looking at my watch as I wait for Maryann I can see the time is now 2:30, I won't be out of here for a couple more hours.  These are questions I have for Maryann:

1.  Can I see Dr. Northfelt at least once a year
2.  Why am I so nauseated
3.  Why am I in so much pain, legs and hip
4.  Why does everything taste like metal
5.  Why am I having headaches and insomnia

These are the answers I got from her:

✓1.  Yes, I need to see Dr. Northfelt, its not too much to ask, especially since I will be seeing him for years to come, its important for me to have the reassurance from my oncologist once a year.
✓2.  The pain my body is in is causing the nausea
✓3.  The Xray is showing a spot on my hip bone and lower back caused from the osteoperosis,  neuropathy is still in my legs  caused from the chemo--
✓4.  Forgot to get answer about that one--
✓5.  Not sure about the headaches, she wants me to stop taking the Arimidex for 2 weeks and see if they go away, insomnia is part of the process--its not going away.

Maryann is going to call me in 2 weeks to check on me, and get an update about some of the conditions.
I'm also being referred to the Physical Medicine unit at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Maryann told me they will be able to get to the bottom of the spots on my hip and back.   Leaving Mayo today I'm satisfied that all my questions were answered.  I loved meeting all the wonderful patients in the infusion lab, I realized for the 1st time today that this journey is life long--sad but true.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Insomnia freaks me outšŸš©

As grateful and elated as I am to have my son home with me, if I am totally honest I will say I'm scared to death right now.  I am having a lot of really irregular symptoms,  nausea, INSOMNIA night after night even when I've taken my medicine I still cannot sleep, sort of reminds me of the days I was dealing with chemo and radiation--SORT OF-- headaches, my heart is making extra beats or stopping all together, it's hard to tell sometimes,  the pain in my legs has returned in full bloom, feels just like the neuropathy and last but not least my hip pain has gotten a whole lot worse--these type of conditions make me crazy in the head.   I have this feeling I'm about to be taught a lesson.  Today I went to Mayo for some blood draw, the girl taking my blood could not of been more than 18 years old, she apologized before she stuck me, I guess that should of been my first clue that this was not going to go over very well for me--she stuck my arm and it pinched and burned like no other--I looked down and to my surprise there was no blood coming out into the vile--she said "Is that hurting you?"  My reply was very nicely "uh y y yes darlin' it hurts real bad take the needle out and start over please" by this time my rear end was raised up out of the seat, and I'm pretty sure she could tell by the look on my face I was in some pain, then the cute little nurse said "Oh no, I have a one stick policy, I will get someone else to try"  Thank Heaven for that, I was not willing to go through that ordeal again.  I ended up with 3 sticks to the arms (yes that would be plural) not complaining but the reason why I have a port sticking out of my chest is for this exact reason--NOT TO BE STUCK A MILLION TIMES--even if the needle is the size of a nail head I would rather be accessed and stuck with that then be stuck 3 times by a nurse who looked like she was still in daycare.
I fear that my body is giving in, giving in to the VILLAIN--or am I just getting old and this is what happens?  What ever it is--I say NO, I don't like it it feels weird to be up at 2 am writing about stuff I know nothing about, except that I do know the pain I am in is real,  Next week I will go see Dr. Northfelt well more like Maryann Forrett for my oncology visit--I have a few things we need to talk about, 1st off I want to ask if I could at least see Dr. N once a year I need the reassurance from him.  Marayann is wonderful and I love her but for me at least I need to see my oncologists face once in awhile.   Dr. N is so busy, he is a big part of the administrative end of oncology  at Mayo Clinic but I need a dr who wants to grace me with his or her presence once in a while.  My list of stuff to ask about is getting longer an longer, Maryann is in for a treat when I go to Mayo on Monday.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

✔ I'm AlivešŸš©

Eric and I are in Mexico with Blake, it's been so nice to have him back.  I have asked him a zillion questions about his mission, the people, spiritual experiences and how he feels being home.  Tonight I went for a run on the beach,  I was listening to music and trying to concentrate on getting my speed up, my mind kept wondering off and I found myself thinking about how much I have been blessed.  I kinda have check marks in my head everyday of things that need to get done or I check off the things I am grateful for.  Just as I was thinking about how much the Lord has blessed me,
 I checked off in my head
I looked up in the sky and in perfect formation were birds forming a check mark, I smiled really big and stared at them until they passed, still not believing what I had just seen I turned around looked up and saw nothing but blue skies...where were the birds?  They were no where to be found, within seconds they were gone, at that very moment I knew that Heavenly Father was giving me a sign, HE was confirming to me that HE lives, that HE hears me and answers my prayers.  My ultimate goal and prayer has always been to be alive and be happy when Blake got home, I can honestly say I can check those 2 off my list.  It's so surreal to have him home, so much has happened in 2 years not only in my life but especially in Blake's.  I can see the tenderness in his eyes, he is so compassionate and sincere, having a new missionary home is like bringing home a new baby--so much to learn, and I want to soak it all up while I can.

Monday, October 3, 2011


I want to explain to some of my friends who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, exactly what a mission is so you can understand the emotion behind why I was acting like a weirdo mother at the sight of my son after 2 years of service.  When a young man chooses to serve a mission (usually at the age of 19) they have usually prepared for this their entire life.  While these boys serve the Lord they are given strict rules to show their obedience  and devotion to the work they are doing.  The are given the opportunity to call their families on Christmas and Mothers Day, other than those days they do not speak to family or friends while they are gone, they are also given the opportunity once a week to email family.  Just like anything in life when we are able to devote our time or talents without distractions of girlfriends, boyfriends or life  we are able to accomplish so much more.  These young men cannot have physical contact with females while they serve, again that could and would be another distraction and they are on their mission to do the Lords work and spread the word of the gospel and what we believe in.
When Blake left, I felt so lost as a mother, knowing I could not be the one to answer his questions, or comfort him when he needed it, I guess we both learned over the past 2 years to do the best we can then turn the rest over to the Lord--HE will help us find our way, HE will reach down and lift us up when we trust in HIM. I'm looking forward to sharing the spiritual experiences we both have had with eachother.
Having him home and making our family complete again has been so sweet.  The last couple of days I have felt like the most blessed mama on the earth.  It's a difficult emotion to explain, almost like trying to explain what it's like to give birth and hold your baby for the 1st time.  I can see the sadness in him, he is happy to be with his family however, he misses the Dominican people so badly and is having a difficult time transitioning back into life, a missionaries life is very structured, they know from hour to hour everyday what they are doing and where they are supposed to be.   When he was released from his mission and reported to President Merrill I was so touched by his testimony, he sobbed as he explained the journey he has been on.  The sacrifice these boys make is unbelievable, they leave family, friends, school and life as they know it to go out and serve for 2 years.  Blake has served and learned so much from these 2 years of sacrifice, the experiences he has had will bless his life forever, the people he has touched will be changed forever, I would give anything to somehow be that type of example to people.
We have had so many people here at the house visiting with him, I have not really had a chance to sit down and talk with him, tomorrow Eric and I are taking him to Mexico for some much needed alone time.... I want to hear about his wonderful and maybe not so wonderful experiences. For now all I can say is I am overwhelmed with the Love our Heavenly Father has for us, I am grateful HE has brought my son home safely and I look forward to our future.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Timing is EverythingšŸš©

I'll never forget the day we got home from taking Blake to the MTC,  (Mission Training Center) September 23rd, 2009 I went in his room sat on the bed and cried.  I have a lot of faith but to be quite honest I wasn't sure what my future would be, or if I would have the opportunity to hold and hug my son ever again.  I know for him it must of been so difficult to leave.  I worried night and day about him, wanting him to have a successful mission without worry or stress about me.  Now I understand why the Lord has order and precision, things are more clear than ever before-  TIMING IS EVERYTHING-  Most boys leave on their mission when they turn 19, my Blake was not ready, it broke my heart at the time.  I now know the Lord is in full control of all we endure and HE understands more than we realize.  Blake made the decision to leave when he was 21, all of his friends who left at age 19 were just getting home from their missions.  Only 6 weeks before he left I found out I had breast cancer, during that time I remember thinking "this is the worst timing ever"  when I look back on that time, I realize now how much I needed to learn, TIMING truly is EVERYTHING... 
I know with all my heart and soul I am alive because my son chose to serve the Lord, if it weren't for his service and Recker's love,  I think I would of checked out a long time ago. When I look back at the last 2 years of our lives, I can see the blessings, oh so many blessings, tears run down my face as I think about what the Lord has blessed us with.  My son, my hero I love him so much.  He endured the last 2 years with strength and reliance on the Lord to help him through some tough days and nights.
Tonight I am sitting on his bed writing this blog- so many emotions are running through my head--he will sleep here tomorrow night, he will kneel and pray here in this room where I have knelt and prayed so many times for him to be safe, for him to not worry about me or what is going on at home, so many pleas to the Lord in his behalf have been in this very room.  Looking around I see scriptures sitting on his night stand--my scriptures the ones I have studied.  The Preach My Gospel book  is  right next to my scriptures, the pages are tattered a bit from me turning pages trying my hardest to learn the Christlike Attributes, reading every scripture I could get my hands on about faith, hope, charity, love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience.   Boy, I have along way to go before I a can say I have mastered even one of those attributes.  Yes I believe TIMING IS EVERYTHING .... it's now time for Blake to come home, be with his family and start his life--I know he must have some mixed emotions too.  I have been dreaming of the hug I will get from him, praying that my health would be good enough to greet him at the airport without him being disappointed or discouraged.   He made it through, I made it through,  we all got through 2 years that I would not trade for anything in the world.  The knowledge I have of our Saviors Love for me and my family has been strengthened ten fold, I have said it so many times, I KNOW HE LIVES.   I am so thankful to my friends, family and to the Lord for lifting me up on the days when I thought tomorrow would never come.... now as I pick up my scriptures to walk out his bedroom door, I am closing it like a chapter in my life is over, but opening it to walk towards a bright and beautiful future.
P.S. another reminder of Timing--exactly 2 years ago tomorrow I was in Mayo Hospital having a radical mastectomy and being told my cancer had spread--and now we celebrate.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

LDS Missionaries Coming Home Mix

Next week I will be getting my 1st hug--One Week from today--Thank you Norm Watkins for sending this video I loved it and cried like a baby.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Careful what you wish for

I dream about running in a marathon--sounds crazy I know, but I do and I have for years.  I have always been an athlete.  When I was diagnosed with cancer I was training for my 1st marathon--it was so hard not only to get the diagnosis but to have to give up running, cycling, kick boxing and lifting weights.  Tonight I went to a kick boxing class--it kicked my behind end, at one point I seriously thought I was going to throw up.  The funny thing about this story is as we were cooling down I listened to the words to the song that was playing--it said "be careful what you wish for, it just might come true" I got the biggest smile on my face--my body was allowing me to do what I never thought I would be able to do again.   I'm not sure I will ever be able to do push ups like I used to do--with the lymph nodes being gone it was very painful I did what I could (not much) Tonight I'm grateful.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Poem to my Son-BlakešŸš©

Today is Blake's 23rd birthday--I just sent  through email this poem I wrote for him--I've never written a poem and don't know that I ever will again-but this is how I really feel.  I don't like to use the word PROUD but I kinda am, this boy is now a man, knowing he was out serving helped me get through some really tough days and months--

When you turned nineteen, and decided not to go
 my heart ached for what you didn't know.

Times were rough, and thoughts weren't clear
deep inside I was glad you were still here.

Dad and I raised you in the Church,  saying
"where will you go?"
your answer to us was "NO"

I prayed morning and night, wanting
everything to be just right.

I'll never forget the day of your call
it was such a shock to us all,
seems you too had been praying and preparing.

Tears of joy filled my eyes, for now I knew
and could empathize-

You would go out and tell
of Heavenly Fathers Plan
and how Adam fell.

When my diagnosis returned positive for cancer
 I cried "no, this can't be"
I wanted a different answer.

You were given a blessing that said
"your mom will be here"
then I begged the Lord to take away your fear.

The day I hugged you good-bye,
I wasn't quite sure how I'd get by.

As I felt my heart explode in my chest,
I knew it was time to let the Lord do the rest.

Every letter,  Christmas and Mother's day
there was so much to say,
 you were serving the Lord,  and it made me  glad
to hear you so happy for good days and bad

Now those two years have gone so fast,
soon you will be home with us at last.

Our family has been so blessed, you have
served with honor and done your best.

When people ask me "how did you survive your fight?"
I look at them and say "because I have a son who chose
to share HIS light"

I love you Elder Blake Williams-Happy Birthday


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Heaven - 9/11 Tribute - 10 years

From Boy to Man-BlakešŸš©

Blake wrote this letter to us recently, Eric and I were really touched by how much he has sacrificed,  it's hard as a mother to know some of the conditions he has lived in, however, to hear him say he loves it, he loves the Dominican people, and to know he can see good in sometimes dreary conditions makes my heart melt.   He has gone from boy to man, I really never thought he was rough around the edges, but hearing him grow as much as he has in two years I realize how much refining and smoothing he has done.  

I've been thinking about  the time I have left  here in this country it has really come to be part of me I mean I really consider myself one of them. I love these people and I really honestly am going to miss them soo much, even the people that dont want to listen to us or the dogs that always chase and bark at us, or the random drunk man thats always there to talk to. Even the things i dont like, i am going to miss soo much, like when there is no light in the whole town for 24 hours having to go to sleep drowning in your own sweat being eaten by mosquitos, when theres no water to shower before you leave the house, or no light to iron your shirt before church or when, no one is in their houses the whole day not even the members to give you some water or juice, and then it starts to pour down rain, these are the things i rally am going to miss, i love this country and i will always say it is MY country....

I am so grateful to be in the best misison in the whole world, with the best mission president in the whole world

This week the things have been a little different after the hurricane, it took out a hotel right on the beach here and ruined this street the place got pretty flooded in places here which is crazy cuz here it never rains its like a desert here, its the first area i have been in where it kinda reminds me of home, cuz there are cactus here haha.

This week has been pretty good i think i gave my last talk in the mission this last week, so it was 830 in the morning on sunday and we were preparing ourselfs to leave and go pick up this investigator and the branch president calls and tells me to prepare a talk for church and i said that its fine ill do it cuz i thought at first it was for the next week but then like 15 minutes later it got to me so i called him and asked if it was for this sunday or the next and he said this sunday, and said to make sure its long cuz my mission president was going to be there so he tells me 30 minutes before church when im already in the street to church that i have to talk, but its fine thats just another thing that i really am going to miss it went really well they told us that the chapel is going to be remodeled and that we will be moving into a little house for a 5 or 6 months. We are going to baptize this guys named Alvelino in a few weeks hes has 8 years with the missionaries and his wife is a memberthat has her endowments and shes tried and tried and so have the misisonaries so we have been working hard with him and we put a date for him so we will be baptizing him a week or so before i got home i cant wait to see the look on his face and his wifes face when he gets baptized, this is one of the things i am going to miss the most is seeing the lifes of people change

con mucho amor

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Blake's IteneraryšŸš©

Saying Goodbye was so hard Sept 23rd 2009
I wish I could bottle up this feeling I have right now---I'm in Mexico I opened up my email and had gotten a little itinerary from Salt Lake City saying--Elder Blake Williams will be home in the US of A sky harbor airport on September 28th at 5:25 pm--not only did I do a little dance by myself in my kitchen--I smiled from ear to ear and even let out a few "oh yeah's he's finally coming home" with my hands in he air...I know this is bitter sweet for him, but it's ALL SWEET to me.... I miss him so much and I literally dream of that first hug, nothing I can write will even come close to explaining the feelings in my heart---I think it's time for some SUGAR--

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Hurricane Irene

I have been back to work at US AIRWAYS now for a couple of months....I think I'm  finally  getting some of my memory back, it helps to have notes next to my desk..... Just in time for Hurricane Irene to ravish the lives of so many people I met over the past couple of days.  Friday I went in the reservations center to find out I was mandated 12 hours of overtime not only Friday but Saturday Sunday and Monday...whew...I am not used to that,  it sure gave me an appreciation for my co-workers who do it day after day just to keep food on the table.  My arm was swelling up from my lymphodema I wore my sleeve to keep the swelling down, my feet were swollen up from sitting, my hip was killing me,  and I had a headache by the end of each day. . . . . however,
 Just when I started to feel a little sorry for myself, I would get a phone call from someone stranded trying to get to their loved ones funeral, or wedding, a lady who's brother's remains were being sent, he died in service to our Country,  people sleeping in hostel's  or sleeping at the airport for a week because they cannot afford a hotel/motel or they were all booked to capacity, so many desperate stories of people's lives, it touched me and brought me back to reality.  I really do have so much to be grateful for.  LIVE FREE LIFE IS GOOD

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Blake's Picture of Recker

It's getting closer---yes Elder Blake Williams will be home in 5 weeks.  The little stinker sent us this picture this week--really made the flood gates of tears start--He has never met Recker yet, so much has happened since he has been serving his mission we are preparing and dreaming of that first hug--so excited.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Evolution of L♥VE

I've been thinking a lot this week about what the words "I LOVE YOU" mean to me.   So many songs are written about this word LOVE, just about every "chick flick" has to do with LOVE .... does it  have different meanings to different people?  From the beginning of time there has been LOVE, Adam and Eve were created to LOVE one another, and through all generations of time LOVE has been interpreted in so many ways.
Is LOVE taught, or are we born with that natural instinct? Even though I never heard the words " I love You" growing up, I'm pretty sure my mother loved me.... I mean seriously how could you not, right? ha ha
No really seriously, I think when a mother holds her baby in her arms for the 1st time, at least this is how it was for me--it was instant LOVE--more than LOVE it was I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, I want to protect and care for you forever and ever.  This type of LOVE grows for a mother and father as they learn to serve that child everyday, changing diapers, bathing, soothing, burping, cleaning up after, restless nights with no sleep--that kind of service and sacrifice can only be understood by a parent who unconditionally loves--  As the child grows they too, learn to say "I LOVE YOU" they learn to trust in you and respect you for the rules that have been set in the home--then something happens when they become teenagers--pushing the buttons, trying to get away with things, some rebel more than others and make it difficult to LOVE unconditionally-- some teens  may stop saying the words "I love you" they may even act as if they don't want to hear it from you, but we never stop saying it those are the years they need to hear it the most, so faithfully we continue to love them, we get on our knees praying morning and night  hoping they will understand why they need to be obedient.  The most rewarding words I have ever heard from my children were "I love you, because you loved me no matter what"

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I need Thee every hour

Once again I am feeling like I need  help from  my  Heavenly Father to keep my soul  still and lift me through the thorny parts of life.  I have learned to listen to my heart, and search my soul,  but I sometimes still doubt myself and pray that I am making the right decisions..there are things sometimes we need to let go, but still I question if I am doing all the Lord wants me to.  I so want that chapter of my life to be over--but how?
  I spoke today with my mother's bishop and he advised me that she is not doing well and refuses to get the proper help that she needs, the church has done all they can do to help her financially, physically and spiritually--they will continue to help her financially however,  he explained that she needs 24 hour care, she cannot take care of herself, she told him and others that she will not move away from her home. I asked him if I could help financially, he said he wished it was that easy--Her heart has become so hard, the women from the church have gone over and helped her dress morning and night, take her doctor appointments, clean the house, and so much more.  She has blamed them of stealing things, and over stepped her boundries with these wonderful woman, she has caused them all to run.  Oh how I wish this was easier, for years I have prayed that she would soften her heart.  Going through my cancer treatments I was so grateful to have family and friends to help me, but I have always longed for a mother to love me, to laugh with, cry with and share with.  I am trying to recover from the last couple of years, I have learned to rely on the Lord for everything--I love deeper, feel more compassion, look at life as a gift, always talk about service to others, and treasure everyday I wake up to children I adore and a husband who keeps me smiling.  Now, as I am faced with this,  I wonder what I am supposed to learn--If I thought for one second I could change her heart I would be at her doorstep in a heartbeat--but I'm scared, I've been so hurt, the Lord has answered so many prayers in this respect telling me to move forward and live my life, be the mother I always wanted my mom to be, be the wife I dreamed of being as a teenager.  I've been told over and over again to stay away from stress, my doctors have warned me adding excessive stress can feed my type of cancer--I know that should be the answer right?  It's not that simple, she's my mother--our Heavenly Father would not turn his back on any of his children, non of them, so now what? I can feel the anxiety coming on right now--
(the above was written by me on Sunday)
Today is Tuesday, I am just now getting around to writing about some of the experiences I have had this week.  Sunday after I spoke with my mother's bishop I decided I really needed to pray about this situation--so as usual I found a quite space in my son Blake's room and knelt to pray for guidance in this situation I've been placed in.   That night I had a hard time sleeping, but finally got my mind to think of my happy place in Paris--I fell asleep and dreamed, I dreamed of a time when my mother was soft and gentle--in this dream I was perfectly aware of the life I am in right now, but was feeling the emotions  of a child --this part is hard to explain.  I went to my kitchen table and wrote a letter, a heart-felt letter, one of love and compassion but also one letting her know how I feel today as a woman, a woman who knows what it is to be a mother, a wife and most important a daughter of God.  In this letter there was no blaming or accusations of any type,  just allowing myself to hopefully let her see a part of my heart that she has never known--then the next part of the dream I mailed the letter to her Bishop and asked him to read it to her--I woke from the dream and knew that my prayers had been answered, I need to write that letter.  I love that the Lord knows that I need him every hour, even while I'm sleeping.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Give Me Experience-Trystan

WOW. life just comes atcha sometimes.  Recently I posted a blog about getting away from life's trials, after this post I received dozens of emails asking me to tell more about what happened with Trystan.  One person left an anonymous comment, that left me to believe it was Trystan ....Over the past few years I have posted so much personal stuff about my life and there are times people will leave an anonymous comment, those have never bothered me because I understand and can appreciate if they want to express to me how they feel without revealing who they are thank you for your comments by the way I look forward to seeing them,  if it was you Trys I hope your life is going well I continue to pray for you, if it was not Trystan I hope you will understand why I am cautious.
With a lot of prayer and consideration I decided I would blog about some of the details of what happened with Trystan and how we came to find out she was not being truthful.  Please know that I,  in no way shape or form want to re-live this again, it has been a terrible experience and I am still trying to make some sense out of it.  With that being said I also want to make some awareness so that others will not have to go through this, actually most of you are much wiser than I am and would not allow yourself to be put in this situation, but if you know someone like me have them read this if you feel they are.

Those of you who know me well, know that I am not a complicated person, I say things like they are and everyone knows where they stand with me, however, I open my life up to people because I love people and want to badly to help and be there for anyone who needs it.
I started this blog before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, for the purpose of sharing a part of me with my family, especially my children, maybe a part of me that they don't always see,  a peek into my heart and soul. After my diagnosis this blog made it easier to express myself, share the details of my journey with the VILLAIN, little did I know it would have an impact on many woman who were also being treated with chemo and radiation.  Those woman have touched me and strengthened me in ways that I really would not be able to explain, they are woman who truly understand the struggles of being a mom, a wife and juggling the effects of the VILLAIN taking over our lives.  I also thought for me, it was important to journal my entire journey every detail so that woman could know exactly what a person goes through when they get this type of diagnosis.
I began to get a lot of emails from people all over the nation and even some in Europe who were experiencing the same thing. I loved every connection I made with these woman and emailed each one of them back.  One day I received an email from a woman who was going through chemo, she only had 2 more rounds and wanted someone to talk to.  I began to email her, the story was heart wrenching she explained how she and her 2 year old daughter were in a car accident 5 years ago and  her daughter did not survive as she was lying in a hospital in a coma, the doctors told her husband that she would not make it through the night, he went home wrote a suicide note and took his life.  After many months of being in a coma, she did wake up, imagine her devastation finding out her only child and husband were gone.  She then had to endure months on rehab, learning how to read, write, walk and talk all over again, now she was living with the VILLAIN.  I cried when I read that email, I could not believe any one person could endure what she had and at such a young age.  I remember praying that night, asking the Lord to please relieve her of her pain from chemo and strengthen her with FAITH and HOPE, just like I had been strengthened through my experience.   I felt this connection with her, something I had never felt before and I continued to keep up with her progress.  When she had her last chemo, I celebrated that day with her, our conversations became daily and were emotional as well as humorous, I think it's safe to say we trusted and admired each other.  She shared with me that not only was the VILLAIN a big part of her life, she was dying from kidney failure and needed to be admitted into the Mayo Hospital in Rochester.  My heart went out to her and I continued to talk and email her everyday.  One email I sent her was me telling her how I wanted to start a non-profit organization for women with breast cancer who do not have insurance.  Through the contacts I have made with all these women I realized many of them do not have health insurance, and many states will help them pay for treatments but not for reconstruction, so I wanted this non-profit to help those women get the reconstruction if they wanted it.  I asked her what she thought about my idea, and she was very supportive and wanted to help me.
She explained to me how her family was not close, her brother and sister in law have 15 month old twins, she told me her brother was the drummer of the band REM, I had no idea who they were.
 She explained that when she was in the car accident with her daughter, Honda had given her huge amount of money for her payout (200 million) the second highest payout ever from the Honda company.
She then told me she was going to donate a million dollars to my organization, you can imagine  how excited I was because I knew this would help to jump start this organization and get the help to women right away.  She told me about an organization she has, she bought a home in Hilton Head on the beach for children with terminal diseases to go with their families for a week, she then sent me a magazine article she was featured in about her organization and the fundraiser she did for it in July of 2010.  REM. Loretta Lynn and several other performers came to Hilton Head and did an all day concert, she told me she would help me to get my first fundraiser organized and that she had all these connections to help me.
I was so grateful to her for her generosity and told her I could never repay her for all her help, but that she would be blessed.  Her stay in the Mayo hospital was long and dreary.  We talked everyday, sometimes for several hours, I just did not want her to be alone and I enjoyed getting out of my little cancer world and helping to cheer her up. She asked me if it was OK for her doctor (Dr. Williams) to email me and give me updates on what was going on with her, because she did not want her mother knowing she was in the hospital or her brother to know the severity of her illnesses, I said yes and her doctor began to email me every morning and sometimes nights to give me updates.  I was told her kidney was only working at 20% and that she needed a kidney transplant, she was peeing straight blood by now and her heart was failing.  Both she, and her doctor asked me if I would be willing to give her my kidney, after discussing it with Eric we decided it was the right thing to do, however I was not sure with my health condition if I would be a good candidate, her doctor assured me she knew I was a match, and that she knew God had brought her and I together for this reason.  During this time was when I too was having some issues and needed to see my gynecology oncologist, Dr. Magtibay.   She and I talked about everything with each other, she told me about a time when she was in John's Hopkins Hospital for kidney failure, she was blessed to get a kidney from a donor, however while she was in the ICU a nurse physically abused her by putting a drug into her IV which made her paralyzed, but she was awake and aware of everything going on, he raped her and vaginally cut her up, she was rushed to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale for a vaginal reconstruction surgery and her doctor was Dr. Magtibay, with the assistance of Dr. Williams they were able to "fix" her but the trama from this event has never left her, she could not sleep and was deeply emotionally scared from it.  Dr. Williams begged me to please try and get her to talk about it with me since she had never had any therapy and refused to talk to anyone about it.   I prayed as to how I could help her, being sexually abused myself I felt like I could talk to her more freely about it,  but I knew this was going to be emotionally draining on me as well, I have never discussed with anyone the details of what happened to me as a child, teen and young adult, nor did I want to start now, after all I had put all of that stuff behind me, except for one little thing, when the doctors told me they wanted me to get a hysterectomy it always scared me and brought up some past issues, this is the reason for me never agreeing to that surgery, until now.  I began to talk to her, I told her little at a time hoping she would open up to me.  During this entire interaction with Trystan my children were extremely worried about me, they told me that they felt something about Trystan was not right and that I needed to let go a little and get more information about her.  This was difficult for me to hear because I was enjoying being able to have someone to talk to, especially someone who could totally understand what I was going through.  (I forgot to mention that she and I had become friends on Facebook early on in the friendship also) There were several times she was near death and her brother would text me and ask me to please pray for her.  I had been emailing Blake and telling him about Trystan, he emailed me one week and suggested we have a family fast for Trys, so I suggested it to her brother, at the time Trystan and I had just had surgery on the exact same day in January but she never came out of her sedation.  I  explained that we would start the fast on an evening and close on the following night, 24 hours with no food or drink and lots of prayers.  The next day she woke up--it happened to be on my birthday--I had posted that the only birthday gift I would care to have would be for her to wake up--and she did.  All of this time she was supposedly in the hospital her doctor Dr. Williams was emailing me and having me update her "Care Page" which is available through Mayo Clinic so everyday sometimes several times a day I would update the page so all her friends could keep up with her recovery-or lack of. I received emails and comments on my blog from Loretta Lynn, and her brother and sister in law.  Just when we thought she was strong enough for me to come and visit, Dr. Williams emailed me one night and said that Trystan needed some vaginal repair done and that she was going to call Dr. Magtibay at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix and ask him to do her a favor and fly out there for a couple of days to do the surgery, she told me that her and "Paul Magtibay" were friends and collegues and that he "owed" her for some things she had done for him.  For any of you who have followed my blog you should remember that Dr. Magtibay is my gynecology/oncologist, Dr. Williams told me that when Trystan was abused at John's Hopkins she had to be flown out to Mayo Clinic in Phoenix to be operated on my Dr. Magtibay, she asked me to never discuss this with him as there is a dr/patient confidentiality problem with her discussing all these things with me.   In the mean time I received an email from Blake telling me that a woman in Scotland named Shannon had emailed him and told him that she was in fear of me being hurt and that he should tell Eric right away about Trystan being a fraud (the same thing happened to her) except that she did not have cancer.