Sunday, February 17, 2013

The Impossible

I'm not one to recommend movies, but I do recommend THE IMPOSSIBLE, a movie based on true events from the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean 2004.  Eric and I went to see this last week.   I had no idea going into this movie it would have such a profound impact on me.  After seeing The Impossible, I decided my cancer journey is a cake walk.  It's interesting what we think we can handle and what we actually can handle.

Sometimes when I think my life is impossible to bear,  I try to think about the people around me who are suffering 10 fold more than I am, perspectives change as I have learned to listen with my heart when patients talk to me about their own journey with cancer, knowing their lives are going to end soon.  I've learned no matter what is happening in my life, there is always someone who is in need of comfort, I believe they are put in my life at just the right time.

Some of the impossibles that I thought I could never live through have become my sacred memories.  Life is precious, it is supposed to be filled with fun, laughter, cake and ice cream,  family, friends and yes, the inevitable journey of life comes with hardships and trials--it's all part of the plan.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Move a Mountain

Sunday, my daughter Kaitlyn and her husband Brian were asked to speak in church on the subject of FAITH.  I was moved by their talks, Kaitlyn spoke of her respect and love for the FAITH her brother showed as he went out to serve a mission for the Lord in the Dominican Republic, she spoke of how he left behind so much as he journeyed out into the unknown, relying fully on the strength within himself and the Lord to help him through 2 years.  When he left, he was 21 years old and had been struggling with some of his own demons and trials, through those struggles he was blessed with the ability to pull himself out of the hole he dug himself into by moving mountains with his faith.  I continued to explain to him the great blessings that would be his if he would obey and follow the gospel plan the Lord had set in motion for him.  I know thought I was a nag and probably did not really listen much, but the spirit somehow was able to speak to him and help him to get back on the straight and narrow way, a path that would eventually lead him to decide to serve a mission.  I know he was under an extreme amount of anguish and pain as he left his home, but I will never forget the look of pride when he walked into the MTC--maybe a little bit of fear was involved too, at least I know there was on my part--oh how my heart ached for him, yes I knew he was worthy to be there, that was not what put me in such anguish.  Being his mother I knew it would be the most difficult thing he had ever accomplished in his life, and the people who he loved the most in the world were going to be facing some life changing moments in their lives, he would not be attending his sisters wedding, the birth of our first grandchild, the graduation of his other sister, but the most troubling part was me, what had I done to prepare him?  I felt helpless, I too had to put all of my faith in the Lord and rely on him to protect and watch over my son, to lead him in direct passages that would eventually bring him home to us safe and sound and worthy to stand as a witness.  My eyes were constantly teary wondering how he was doing, knowing he was worried about my diagnosis with cancer and that he could not be hear to comfort me, what he didn't know was I felt his loving arms around me on more than one or two occasions, he showed such tremendous amounts of Faith while he served I am still overwhelmed by some of the mission stories he has told me.  He left unsure of the gospel, unsure of his future, and unsure if he would ever see his mother again, but he came home with a perfect knowledge that the gospel is true, knowing that his future is bright if he continues to follow God;s plan for him, and he came home to a mom that welcomed him with open arms and a huge heart.  Kaitlyn is right, Blake is amazing and I continue to thank Heavenly Father everyday for the great man he has turned out to be--

Brian's talk was equally touching, as I listened to him speak tears filled my eyes and the tears seemed to stream down my cheeks untouched as I listened intently to the words that came out of his mouth.  These words were not ordinary words, he was telling the story of my life without using my name.  I was prepared to hear him speak about his grandfather who has surely undoubtedly taught Brian the principle of FAITH.  Brian and Kaitlyn have spoken of him several times with sweet regard to his knowledge of the gospel, and I know he has been a forcing influence in Brian and Kaitlyns lives.
However, in this talk he gave about FAITH he was telling the story of a young baby girl born into a family broken, parents who were battling one with another, her father who because of drugs and alcohol led him to the pathway to prison.  When her mother was remarried, this new father role in her life abused her physically, mentally and sexually.  Tears began to now run down Brian's cheeks and I could hear the lump in his throat he tried to continue with the story.  He talked about how this daughter of God had made promises to the Lord, stayed worthy and close to her Heavenly Father yet abuse and trials still seems to be a big part of her life.  When she was in her twenties another trial of faith came when she was faced with the death of her younger brother, yet she continued to trust in the Lord and give her heart and soul to the church and to others she served.  As Brian is saying these words out loud, I am becoming more and more agitated in my seat, the anxiety was starting to surface and I was not sure I would be able to hide it from Eric.  It was like watching your life flash before your eyes, but from a different perspective than what you actually lived.  It sounded so easy as Brian described my life, not necessarily easy was the life, but easy was the FAITH he described me as having.  It has caused me to think the last few days, do I have that FAITH engraven in my soul? I certainly don't remember feeling as though I was showing great faith, it felt more like survival mode I was in--negotiations were happening on a daily basis with the Lord--"get me out of this alive, and I will serve you, I promise" 
Brian continued with his talk, speaking of the cancer I was diagnosed with, I really had no idea that my cancer had been seen by anyone as a FAITH builder...I know I speak a lot about having HOPE and FAITH, but never realized those words have penetrated the souls of some of my family members.

In difficult times of our lives it is so easy to give up, turn away from the very thing that can help us through the most fierce adversity of our lives.  I know it is impossible to predict an end to our trials and problems of life, but I know I can promise this bit of HOPE  if we have FAITH in Jesus Christ, the hard times as well as the good times, can be a great blessing to us, this strength will give us FAITH to move a mountain.