Be a light to those who walk in the dark

Today is Sunday,  I wanted so badly to either go to the Kirkland Temple, or to a church close by.  I wanted to take the Sacrament, today neither one happened.  Tonight I am watching conference from my laptop, also listening to the Slade Family music, and the Sound of Music soundtrack.   My eye is getting worse everyday, and I fear losing it completely.  I've been keeping it hydrated and covered with a patch, but when I take it off for some relief--all I see is cloudy...don't be surprised if the spelling on this post is wrong.

This is a little city--white coats everywhere

I've been praying for a surgery date--tomorrow I hope something will be accomplished, I'm ready.  I want to get home and be with my family--Sundays are the nights we all get together have dinner and family home evening, oh how I miss them.  Since we've been empty nesters it's been really hard for me, I love my family around--if I had my way I would have them all move back in with us.  I haven't seen my grandchildren in 2 weeks--I haven't seen my children in 2 weeks--Eric and I Skype, so I get to see him, Blake and Chloe everyday.... I WANT YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND THIS:  Eric and I had been planning a trip to Blake's mission in the Dominican Republic, when I was in the hospital Eric wanted to cancel, when we decided for me to come to Cleveland, I told him he has to go on the trip with Blake no matter what, just cancel my flights.  Of course he was not going to do that, he wanted to be with me, but I had a very strong feeling he needed to go and spend some time with his son, Blake will always have those memories to look back on when we are gone.  Still he was insisting on being here.  I told him if he came here, I would cancel the surgery and go home, now that made him think.  He knows when I'm serious, so he and Blake left a couple days ago, I've been talking to them everyday, thanks to modern technology.  Chloe will be working with Dr. Kelly while she is in the Dominican Republic, so this is good dad/son bonding time.  I told Blake this morning to have a great time and not worry about me, all Eric and he would be doing is sitting around (just like me) waiting for the scheduler to call. Besides the time I've had alone has given me a chance to reflect, process and get back on track with the spirit.  I have had some really serious spiritual experiences while fasting and praying for answers.

The two main sources of most importance are my eye, and to see if the bone is infected.  Not sure about the eye, but I feel really strongly that my bone is good, no infection.  I do not leave the hotel without a patch on my eye, the wind blows a lot here, it is extremely painful on my eye, it gets really red I have no peripheral vision out of the right eye. Not a good combination, deaf in the right ear, and can't see out of the right eye--boy I'm a mess--
  
I was thinking today, the body is so perfectly created by our Heavenly Father, 
when something is not working correctly we take note of it.  I never realized how important it  is
to be able to blink your eye--or how much people stare when they see someone who is not looking like the typical person should look.  
A little boy was with his dad and said "daddy, what's wrong with that ladies eye?" The dad quickly scooped him up trying to distract the little boy with a flavor of ice-cream, he asked his dad again.  I looked at the little boy and said "I have a boo boo and I'm just trying to cover it so it won't get worse"
I could see it bothered the boy's father to have me explain it.  The little boy said a few minutes later to his dad "what is wrong with her eye dad?" no answer.  I was trying my hardest not to laugh, I love little children and their ability to say it like they see it, but the father acting like I was an alien was a little bothersome.  I waved good-bye to the little boy, and off I went.  Seeing out of only one eye when I have the patch on is really strange, every step I take is difficult because my brain tells me the curb is closer than it is, I look about as gracious as a bull in a china shop. I have ran into walls, stepped on my own feet, dropped or grabbed for things that look closer or further than they really are.

The body is an amazing creation and when it is not working like it was intended to, all of what you learned, has to be retrained.  My mouth does not work like it used to either (I know most people are happy about that one) but I can only eat very small bites of things, they need to be cut up, and I can only eat on the left side, sometimes it is such a chore, my speech is OK, but hard sometimes to say my "P's and B's"  I have to hold my cheek out while I talk so people can understand.  While I Skyped with Eric and Blake this morning, he couldn't understand what I was saying, so I held my cheek out, we laughed about it---One thing I've learned in the past 5 years is that I am not in charge, Heavenly Father is, he is testing my knowledge of HOPE,  in my ability to  listen to the spirit, and step forward with FAITH.

I'm still staring at the mirror  15 minutes a day and telling my eyebrow to move, my mouth to smile and my eye to blink.....guess what? It's working today I caught my eyelid blink a couple of times while I was concentrating on it.  When Eric and I first got married he used to make me stand
in front of the mirror and tell myself "you are beautiful, you will succeed, you are going to have a great day"  I felt weird doing that, but it works--I've never met a more positive thinking person than him.
My face will work again, I know it will--just need to practice a Christlike attribute--patience.

I always despise the beginning of anything,  I'm starting to embrace these changes in my life.  I've been told I will never look the same again, well maybe physically I won't, but all these changes keeps me alive and open to new challenges.  So now it's time for one more change, I will survive, and I will go forward no matter what the doctors are able to do or not to do.  I am living in a world full of people who feel forgotten, they are not alone, I want to find a way to help them find their happy places, in spite of whatever trials they are facing.  I have given my heart and soul to HIM and to the doctors, I want to be a person who gives more than she takes--listen with my heart--smile with my eyes--and give back everyday I breathe to help someone in need.  I did a smile project, while I was going through my chemo treatments--

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-smile-experiment.html

I have a new project, I'm in the process of  now and will tell you about it when I get my results. My focus now is embracing the new Monya--still the same heart, still the same personality, I'm trying to get refined around the edges.  I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father knows the strength I have in me, I know when I kneel down for help, he WILL answer back, however, I also know from experience it is not always the answer I want. I've tried all my life to be a humble servant, I've felt healing power in my life and in the lives of others, I have a grateful heart, right now I feel a  calm and quietness, the stillness of what I'm feeling draws me near to HIM. It makes me want to be a better daughter of God by serving others and giving back what I'm learning.  Even though I'm far away from home I know there is someone I can always turn to, and He is just one prayer away.  I realize this road ahead of me is long and is hard, but not devastating--I am concentrating on Happiness in my life--giving and sharing what I know can help others.  I am still in this school of learning that we all call LIFE.  When I look back at where I've been, I never saw these challenges in my future, I imagined it much worse--I have truly been blessed with a beautiful life, an eternal companion I call Frenchie, 4 amazing children, 2 of the best grandchildren who can light up my life with just a smile, I have FAITH in my future, I want to look back on all of this and  see that I did what was right when no one was around watching--keeping my eyes on Eternity,  I want to be a light to those who are in the dark, I want to bring them into the light and see what I see--I am the only one who can decide how I live, and I decide to LIVE HAPPY.

Another Day at the Cleveland Clinic

This morning, I called the doctors office as soon as they opened, I was greeted already aware of my situation.  She said Dr, Bernard is working on getting this on the surgery schedule,  bringing three doctors in on the surgery is harder than it sounds.  I received a call to see another doctor on Thursday.  In the earliest time frame I will be having surgery on Tuesday--one more week here.  This hotel is not cheap, it is most definitely convenient, if the hospital or doctors offices call it literally takes me 5 minutes to get there, without having to go outside.  Walking through the hotel, and hospital all I see is doctors in white coats--their everywhere.

It is a bright sunny day today and I want to get out for some fresh air. I do not have a car, I just stay at the hotel waiting for a doctor to call and say "surgery time" Today I was a little disappointed wanting to get this over with, my anxiety level is on high alert.

I spoke with Kathleen from Dr. Barr's office to update her on what is happening here--she was so sweet and reassured me that she and Dr. Barr's only want the best care for me, I let her know I have been praying, friends and family are praying, and I feel good right now about being at the Cleveland Clinic.   She wished me luck and told me to let them know what is happening. That phone call was hard for me I never want to offend or hurt anyone else's feelings and I have a feeling to get a 2nd, 3rd or 4th opinion like I have has got to at least make Dr. Barr's feel bad, and that makes me sad.  However, the most important outcome for me is the doctor who can give me the best results for a long lasting look, every doctor I have spoken to has told me the process Dr. Barr's wants to do is not the best option, it is a great solution for someone who is 80 or older, it's a temporary fix.  This process we are trying to organize here in Cleveland is much more advanced and will give better results in the long run--it will mean more surgeries, but when it's all said and done it will be a better option for me.

Today--no surgery date yet --- more sitting in the hotel waiting--tomorrow I will call the office again, hopefully answers will come tomorrow.  Tonight my legs are hurting, it;s going to be a restless night.

If time could stand still

Thursday December 5th
Eric decided he wanted to go with me today, normally I go to Mayo by myself, I think he knows why now.  The people who go with you are sitting in the waiting area most of the time, and I feel bad when they have to wait.   But he insisted. 3 appointments today, Pre-certification for surgery,  then to talk about the living will and all that jazz.
Finally our last appointment was with Dr. Barr's, I asked Eric to not talk a lot because Dr. Barr's is very busy and normally he covers everything I need to know without me having to ask any questions. The reason I said this to Eric was because I KNOW him, he will talk to everyone, and he did, the receptionist he asked her about things she has no idea about, then the nurse, who again referred him to the Dr., he even asked the same questions to the lady helping us with the living will--then when we were walking out he stopped the volunteer to ask her something----I just grabbed his arm and politely said "let's get going, to our next appointment" I could see his dad in him today--he was a funny man, and loved to talk to everyone.

When we finally did see Dr. Barr's he turned on the screen so I could for the 1st time see inside my right ear, all I really saw was infection--to me it was no big deal really, I have been asking Eric to look at it for weeks but he says "it looks the same as it did last time you asked me"  The last couple of weeks it has swollen up and been tender, but with dealing with my mothers death I have not really paid much attention other than to put new a cotton ball in when it starts to drip.  I have had more migraines than usual, and now I'm wondering about the slurred speech.  Dr. Barr's took out his ear vacuum and started to suck out what he could, I was a little frightened watching the screen and seeing what he was doing, I thought it was going to hurt, it didn't at all.  It also didn't suck anything out-- he then stuck some gadget down the ear canal to try and see what he could--now that hurt.  He then called for Kathleen, his RN to come in and they discussed medical terms that were over my head, then he asked me to take a seat next to Eric.  He said "this is terrible, and in case you didn't hear me....(which I didn't but Eric did) he said it again "this is terrible"  He then showed us a large picture of the inner ear, which I have seen many times before, but explained to Eric and I he has not seen this type of infection come so far out of the canal, he asked if Eric would  stay close by while he is doing surgery so he can get his permission to move forward if needed.  What that means is that if this has gone into the bone he will have to cut out through the bone which will leave a significant indentation in the side of my head.  The good thing about all this is that I'm deaf in that ear so it will not effect my hearing, if I had a normal ear, I would not have any hearing after this surgery.

Monday December 9th, 2013
 Tomorrow I will once again be rolled into an OR at the Mayo Clinic.  I've had anxiety all day today, I told my friend Marian that I feel more nervous about this surgery then I did the night before going in for the bi-lateral mastectomy.  Marian said it's because I know to much now, going in for the mastectomy I had no idea what I was getting into except that I would go into surgery with breasts and come out without them.
My inner ear is pounding, like I can feel my heartbeat through my ear.  I've been taking the antibiotics Dr. Barr's gave me, but it really doesn't seem like its getting better.  Tonight I put the drops in my ear and it felt like they were hitting my skull, the pain was something that I have not felt since I was a little girl.  The veins on my face and neck popped out and I immediately turned red, my eyes teared up, my nose started to run, it's this immense pain I cannot describe.
I'm trying my hardest to have a good attitude, be positive and smile my way through this.  I got a text from a good friend of mine yesterday, she was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year after me, she had a single mastectomy and diagnosed at stage 2b, her text said the cancer is back at stage 4 and has metathesized into several large organs.  I threw the phone when I read it, what happened, why is this happening she was at stage 2, my mind went to a deep dark place where I knew I shouldn't be. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried, I cried myself to sleep.  In my sleep I saw Eric's mom and dad, they looked so happy, I wanted to stay with them, it felt comfortable and Heavenly there--finally, this is where I'm supposed to be, it almost felt like I was playing hide and seek, and not wanting anyone to find me there--Vi held my hand and said "you know you can't hide here, right?" and just like the snap of a finger they were gone, and I woke up--I slammed my hand on the carpet and yelled "no, no please don't find me, let me go back just a little bit longer"
I hope I can go back there tomorrow, I want to visit with them more-- If I could just let time stand still, I would go back to the day Recker was born,  I would hold him and love on him, if I could I would make the clock stop, but then my heart tells me I can't do that, I have to push through and listen to the ticking of the clock and do what I can to be brave. Tonight I feel like my heart is being torn apart piece by piece, I move 3 steps forward and 4 steps back, never getting ahead--I'm sitting here staring at one of my Mayo Clinic Itinerary's, wondering how I got here--I don't want to go, what will happen if I don't go? as these thoughts are going through my head I am ripping up the Itinerary, maybe if I shred it, it won't be real.
A few weeks ago during our Family Home Evening I asked everyone if they knew this was their last day to live what would they do? I'm not sure why I asked them, except that I have been thinking about it a lot since my mother died.  Some of their answers were funny, I think it's hard to let your mind go there.
If I knew it was my last day on earth, I would watch the sun rise and feel the warmth on my face, I'd leave the dishes, I'd turn off the phone and TV, gather all my family around me, make sure each one of them knew how much I love them. I'd hold my grandson's, I'd breathe in the scent of Ezra's baby smell, I'd look into Recker's eyes and talk to him with my heart. We would watch The Sound of Music and eat popcorn as a family---then I'd take a picture with each one of them and tell them why they are so important to me, and why I love them so much--I'd tell them I want no empty seats in Heaven--everyone of them needs to be there--we are an Eternal Family, then we'd go outside and watch the beautiful sunset of the Arizona sky..... and I'd have them sing me to sleep with Primary songs.
Now it's getting late and I need to rest,  tomorrow I will wake up and HOPE for all prayers to be answered.  I want to go to a place where the hurt ends and the healing begins--I want to be  wrapped up in the arms of HIS mercy--I just need this one more time--please, just one more time.

World Peace vs. Inner Peace

Since the beginning of The Miss Universe Pageants started  in 1921 the question has been asked to many beautiful woman around the world "If you were granted one wish what would you wish for?"
ANSWER: "World Peace"
For some reason this phrase makes me laugh, how wonderful it would be to have "world peace" can you  imagine a life of no opposition, no worry of a husband, father or parent not coming home tonight because of an act of terror, never thinking that  going to a movie theater could possibly be the last breath you take, the freedom of knowing when you send your little ones to school they will come home to you safe and sound never imagining they may be hiding under a desk while a crazy gunman shoots down their friends? The televised sight of 300 children being killed in Syria, has brought me to the thoughts of what is the difference between world peace vs. inner peace.

The truth is, the adversary would not survive in a world of peace, and we would not grow and learn to become reliant.  I do not personally believe there will ever be a time of World Peace while we are on the earth. Not to be a downer or anything, but there is a plan in place and unfortunetley Satan never wins, so with that being said the world leaders will continue to be on opposite sides of the table, there is always going to be opposition in all we do.

Knowing all in the world that is going on outside of the walls of our home, can be overwhelming as we listen to world news.  However, I believe with all of my heart there is a difference between, inner peace we get from knowing who we are, where we came from, and where we are going, and this to me is much more important than world peace.  This may sound strange to some, but to me it makes perfect sense, I have no control over world peace, except to be a more kind and gentle person, be honest in all I do and share the knowledge of Jesus Christ love for all of his children with others.

Inner peace comes from knowing we are doing the best we can to live a more Christ like life.  How do we as women get this inner peace on a daily basis with so much going on around us?  This is an ongoing process, I have learned over the years this inner peace has to be constantly worked on.  We all are in different season in our lives, I can say as I raised small children it was difficult to find inner peace as I tried to balance motherhood,  cleaning my home, daily balanced meals on the table, scripture study, Family Home Evenings, Temple attendance and attending weekly Sunday meetings, I also have always held callings in our church, from teaching Primary Children, teaching in the nursery, young women and Relief Society. As I look back now on those years I realize there was so much more I could of done to have inner peace, I could of cut back on activities within our family that could of given me the extra time to spend studying the life of our Savior trying harder to be more like him.  Now, all of my children are married and moving forward with their own children and families.  I sometimes feel inadequate and wish I had done some things differently, when those thoughts come into my mind, I quickly realize it is Satan who is trying to convince me of my failures.

Some of the ways I try to obtain inner peace in my life is to not allow myself to enjoy the things I like to do, until I have done the things I need to do.  Those things are not always the easiest to do, reading and studying my scriptures 30 minutes each day, for me sometimes it is sitting down and actually reading, on someday's it is listening to conference talks,  I do not ever get in my car without listening to church hymns or conference talks, these are the physical things I can do to find my daily inner peace. Weekly Temple attendance is such a great way to feel the inner peace needed to help me through a week.  I also take time to enjoy what the Lord has given us, instead of focusing on what I cannot do I try and focus on the things I do have control over and the things I can do.  I love the song from our Primary Children's Song book, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me"  the words to this song will forever hold a special place in my heart, I learned it when I was a child.  Whenever I can I try to take a moment each day to see the beauty the Lord has given us in the world.

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue, blue sky
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by
Whenever I touch a velvet rose or
walk by a a lilac tree
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father Created for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings
He gave me my ears that I might hear
the magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart,
I thank him reverently
For all his creations of which I'm a part,
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I think the last line of this song say's it all for me, Yes, I know my Heavenly Father loves me.  Not only because of all the beautiful things in the world he has created for me to enjoy, but because I have learned on my own, inner peace comes from being obedient to the Lords commandments, it comes from getting on your knees daily and thanking him for all the blessing I have in my life.  I am still living today because the Lord has a purpose for me, I am a stubborn person and I have not quite learned what that is, but I will continue to repent daily for my shortcomings, and ask HIM to help me become more like HIS son, to give acts of kindness everyday, and try to implement all the attributes of Christ in my life--this is where my inner peace comes from.

Monday Mormon Myth's and truths #10

I think this is the longest I have gone without posting on my blog--now I have some catching up to do.  I missed 2 Monday Mormon posts--and have received a few emails asking about why?  Oh, where to even start...... let's just say I have been on a mini vacation after this last mini stroke.  I will talk more about that later this week.

My question for this Monday Mormon  Myth's and Truths was this:

Do Mormon Leaders Practice Celibacy?

ANSWER:  Let's hope not, I would have to say NO NO NO

While we as Latter Day Saints believe in controlling our appetites and passions,  living a celibate lifestyle would go against our belief that God's plan for His children, and the purpose of life centers on marriage and family.  So to be frank with you, not only do Mormons get married, but all of our leaders, bishops, apostles and prophets can, do and are encouraged to marry and have children.  The scriptures read "For Marriage is ordained of God unto man.....that the earth might answer the end of its creation"

Next question, I've received several email about

What is the Mormon view on Homosexuality?     http://www.mormonsandgays.org/


ANSWER: We believe that people with same sex attraction are children of God, they are loved by Him and are of infinite worth, just like all of God's children.  However, Mormons believe homosexuality is contrary to the physical and spiritual purpose of human sexuality, which we also believe are closely tied to the creation of children by a man and a woman withing a marriage.
The expectation of sexual abstinence outside of marriage is the same for all Mormons, regardless of whether they face homosexual or same-gender attraction.  Although the LDS Church has no official
position on the causes of same gender attraction, LDS theology teaches that each person has the power to control their own behavior.
In our opinion there is a difference between same-gender attraction, and same-gender action.  As long as a member with same-gender feelings lives the moral standards of the LDS religion, they are welcome to--and do, worship, serve, attend, and participate fully in the Church.
I want to clarify what the difference between same gender-attraction and same-gender action is.
There is an official LDS church pamphlet on homosexuality, God Loveth His Children, Church leaders have said this "Attractions alone do not make you unworthy.  If you avoid immoral thoughts and actions, you have not transgressed even if you feel such an attraction.  The first presidency stated:
"There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior"
In the official handbook church leaders have said "If members feel same gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, they may hold temple recommends and receive temple ordinances."
 Jesus loved all people, even when He did not support or agree with their behavior, like the woman taken in adultery (John 8: 3-11) The LDS people should be striving to do their best, and the same as the Savior did.  Regarding issues of homosexuality and same-gender marriage, we are encouraged to reach out with understanding and respect to individuals who struggle with same gender-attraction.

This next part is coming from ME Monya, not from any handbook or official "MORMON" rules.
When I was 29 I was faced with some demons, the memories of my childhood.  I had never discussed it with anyone, including my husband.  These demons were effecting my marriage and my relationships with people, my level of trust was on the down slide when it came to men and intimacy.
One night in a rage of fear I verbally attacked my husband and accused him of things that were simply not true.  Eventually, I was able to go to my bishop and tell him about my childhood and some of the things that had transpired during the course of my life up until that time.  He encouraged me to face the issue and talk to my husband about it.
 Over the next year, this wise bishop encouraged me to face these demons and question the perpetrator.  I did, after much prayer, fasting and discussion I finally did it, I was under the impression that all would be solved, that once I faced the man who had done these things to me, that he would look at me and say "I'm so sorry, I've been waiting for this to come up, I need to repent"  Eric, being the wise man that he is said "Monya, please do not think that all is well or going to go as smoothly as you think, be prepared for the rejection"  I was shocked when I was told "I don't remember doing those things to you"  to make this very long story shorter, I ended up being devastated by his re-action, no feeling, no memory, nothing, just "so what do you want me to do now?"  Needless to say I was able to find a therapist who happened to be a Mormon bishop, at the time I felt it was necessary for me to be able to talk freely about my beliefs and needed someone to actually HEAR what I was saying.  I was asked by this therapist to join a group therapy with all women who had been abused, it was a small group of us I think only 6 or 7.  One of the women in the group was younger than me, had served a mission and was attending the Temple on a regular basis, she also held a position in her ward young women's organization.  She was abused by a cousin growing up, she had never discussed it with anyone (text book behavior) after weeks and months of getting to know her, I adored her, I could not believe she was not married.  In our sessions we were allowed to openly ask questions to each other and try to understand and help each other with our struggles.  I asked her about why she was not married, her response was that she had been engaged a couple of times but could not bring herself to marriage, because she was a lesbian.  I remember thinking "WHAT? this does not make any sense, how can a beautiful, intelligent, worthy member of the church be a lesbian?" So I asked the therapist, his response changed my thoughts and feelings for same gender attraction and I will never forget it.
 He asked her why she thought she was a lesbian, and her response was because she could not bring herself to even think of marrying a man after the abuse she had been through, having sexual relations with a man would never be possible. Then the therapist said "can you see yourself having sexual relations with a woman?" she said "no way, I just can't ever see myself being close to a man and I feel more comfortable around women, if I could live with a woman and have someone to talk to for the rest of my life I would be happy to never have sex"  He said "you are a worthy woman, you have done nothing wrong, the Lord is the only one who knows your pain, he is the only judge of what you can and cannot handle, but if you ever acted upon those sexual feelings with another woman that would be considered same gender action, until then you are worthy of every blessing the Lord has to offer"
I have several friends who have children that struggle with same gender attraction, some have acted upon it and some struggle with it but remain steadfast and immovable when it comes to their faith and HOPE in God.  I did not keep in touch with this beautiful young woman, so I am not quite sure how her journey is going, but I do know, none of us have the right to judge any person who is struggling with same gender attraction, it is a real and emotional struggle for families who are living with it.  I am grateful that WE THE PEOPLE are not the final judge, only the Lord knows our struggles and only the Lord will be our judge.

Simone and Rochelle ♥

Rochelle and Simone April 2013

I invited Simone and Rochelle to go to Stake Conference with me today.  They are such great girls.  Heavenly Father has a way of placing people in my life who have blessed me and taught me so much about life.  These girls are two very special girls, I am endeared to them forever.  I met their mother at Mayo Clinic 4 years ago, she is a single mother raising 4 teen children, and I am impressed at how well she has done.

I love spending time with them, teaching them to bake, going to lunch, and sharing thoughts.  We have so much in common with our up bringing--they too, do not have a father figure in their life who is respectful or loving to them, as they share their thoughts and feelings,  my heart is full to point of wanting to burst into tears--so many memories are flooding my mind, memories of a childhood that should of been different, could of been different.

I was impressed a few weeks ago by the spirit to invite them to our home to watch General Conference and have breakfast with our family.  Audrey (their mother), the twins and one of their brothers and his girlfriend came over.  What a delight they are, I enjoy spending time with them.  Audrey is a greeter at the church they belong to and could only stay for the 1st half of conference.
I noticed Rochelle crying, she and I went into my living room and spoke, she hugged me tightly, telling me how much she loves me and Mr Williams, that she loves the feeling in our home and how she wanted that for herself--she then shared some personal stories with me and at that moment I knew the Holy Ghost was whispering to me every word to say--

1.pray for light, pray to know HIM--HE knows you and he loves you
2. serve someone everyday, a smile, a hug or a special note can mean so much
3. be prepared that darkness does not always leave immediately, sincerely look for LIGHT
4. ask for the Light to be with you everyday, live what you believe, walk in the light
and lastly " As you walk toward the HOPE of God’s light, you will discover the compassion, love, and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father"


After conference today I had the opportunity to talk to the girls and answer any questions they had.  One of the things they were wondering about was why there were not any other black people at church.  I told them what a myth it is that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints does not allow blacks to be baptized, the girls actually had heard this. THIS STATEMENT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE AND OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE IN.  We just happen to live in a geographical area where not many African Americans live.  I explained to them, as I will explain to any of you who are reading this and also have this misconception.  The LDS church has never NOT allowed blacks to be baptized, across the nation and throughout the world we have active incredible members of the church who are of African American Heritage--we are inclusive, we invite all who are willing to truly listen to the truth of what we believe in to come to church with us.  I explained to them at one time in the church history the black men were not able to hold the Priesthood, for what reason I do not understand, but just as many things in life change, this was a change the church was impressed to make.  I explained to them, across the nation and around the world no matter what language every church building in the world is teaching the same thing, on Sundays we take the water and bread in remembrance of HIM who died for us, the sacrament helps us to remember the covenants we made when we were baptized, I also think of it of a time to repent for all the little things I do during the week, the Atonement is available to each and everyone of us. I also explained to them, "you girls can walk into any church from here to Africa, and you will not hear anyone from the pulpit talking bad about another church, we love all people, because we know our Heavenly Father loves all his children the same. Walking in the light of Christ means trying your hardest to be exactly like HIM, of course we know this is impossible but trying and repenting and trying and repenting is what we do everyday to try to be more like HIM"

Every talk that was spoken today was perfect for what these girls needed to hear.  A member of the Stake Presidency spoke about the presence of Satan in our lives, Rochelle told me she was so glued to the words he spoke.  There are times in our lives when Satan wants us to feel as though we are not quite good enough, he wants the young mother who is trying her hardest to raise strong healthy, spiritual children that her house is not clean enough, the father who has lost his job that he is not quite doing is job as a husband and father, the young girl who did not get invited to prom or homecoming that they are not quite beautiful enough or good enough.  I told the girls, I remember feeling inadequate as a child of God, I was too skinny, to ugly, and not quite good enough for anyone to ask me to prom or homecoming---I never went, and yes, I did feel those pains of not being quite good enough--how sad is that?  If we could all feel the spirit enough to know, our Heavenly Father loves us for who we are,  and what we contribute to life.

There have been times in my life when I felt small, and insignificant, I felt that the world was my Goliath,  I yearned for the feeling of surety that HE loved me.  It took me searching in my soul, and truly asking for guidance,  there were things I had to let go of, when I questioned choices I made I finally realized it was Satan trying to keep me from the light. Satan is smart and cunning as he travels and moves through the lives of our youth especially, he does not like to be alone either, he always snatches one, then cunningly says "now go and get your friend to partake" especially for our youth who are trying so hard to follow in Gods light, satan does not want that to happen, he wants them to invite their friends--misery loves company--and satan wants you to justify your actions with others around you who are doing the same thing--following in the darkness. Don't get caught in that trap.\

It honestly took me going through my cancer journey to realize that it was OK even though I was 46 years old to start to listen to my heart, to turn things over to the Lord, to accept the Gift HE had given me, the gift was the Holy Ghost--listening and preparing myself for the day to day, HE is leading me through this journey of life--we all have more strength then we know, and when we start to LIVE WHAT WE BELIEVE we will gain the confidence we need, no matter what we are  experiencing in our lives, no matter where we are in our journey,  for some the journey towards the light starts at birth and for others that light of Christ comes when we are adults,  if we follow in HIS light HE will guide us home.

I wish for every youth out there in the world, member of the church or not, that they could just HOLD ON-we all try and fail, some have been in darkness longer than others, but one of the lessons we can learn is that HE has promised the answers will come when we ask.  There have been nights I have prayed, thinking I was the only one who was walking in the darkness, oh how NOT true that is, there are so many who walk in darkness, and fear, but if we can HOLD ON continue to pray, serve, and be obedient, repeating this day to day until we finally GET IT, he will never leave our side.

to BaHa or not to BaHa

Today I had an Audi Consult for a Bone Anchored Hearing device called the Cochlear Baha3, at the Mayo Clinic.  If you're like me, you should be saying "huh?"   Basically what the Baha  does is reroutes and transfers the sound directly to my left hearing ear.  This makes it possible for me to perceive sounds from both sides, and from what I understand it is extremely effected for people with SSD (single-sided deafness)  The device does not give me any hearing recovery in the right ear, it merely channels the sound from my deaf ear to my hearing hearing inner ear, leaving my hearing ear undisturbed.  It is implanted into the bone behind my right ear, it  also offers a more natural pathway to hearing for people who cannot hear with hearing aids, and for children who might have middle or inner ear hearing problems.

When I was in elementary school I remember the teachers constantly telling my mother year after year, "she day dreams, and stares out the windows"  "Monya has a difficult time paying attention"  "Monya is delightful, however has a difficult time concentrating"  blah blah blah--- duh?  I was deaf in one ear, and had to sit on the back row of the classroom, because I was always taller than everyone else.  If I had this Baha Implant then, maybe I would of been a better student....let's just blame it on that for now.

Now I have a difficult decision to make, to Baha or not to Baha.  The doctor made it sound so easy, but I'm not sure I want to do this.  Today she put a simulator on my head so during our visit I was actually listening with a simulation of the Baha connected to the bone on my right ear, with a headband.  It was strange and unusual, I'm not sure if I could even explain it, and I do not have anything to compare it to.
I definitely do not want another surgery, and I really am not sure I want to hear.  I've gone 46 years without hearing in that ear and I think I do really well.  I've learned over the years to read lips really well.  I guess the question is, will this improve my quality of life? and am I willing to go through it?

Cochlear Baha without  Baha On

Implant with Baha on

a little FYI:

I have felt this un-easy feeling about one of my doctors, after much prayer and thinking I have decided to seek a 2nd opinion about my thyroid.  I always feel weird about changing doctors, mostly because I don't want to hurt feelings, but I'm ok with this and I know I need to since it is so heavy on my mind.

What is Normal?

So the other day I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing, and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home--his reply was "mom, I feel like I'm getting back to normal again" I then asked him "what is normal son?"  then we had a long conversation about being normal.  My thoughts are still on that conversation.  I told him that our normals continually should be changing.   Two and a half years ago my normal was certainly different than they are now, I was worried about children, getting up going to work, worrying about children, making dinner every night, worrying about children, cleaning house, training for a marathon, worrying about children.  Then Blake surprised us with deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW did my normal change in a heartbeat.  Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on a back burner--now my normal was how can I do this? every thought that occupied my thoughts were -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer, and Eric, my sweet husband having to see me go through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? how could I let him see me bald and sick? and more important than all I worried he would worry too much about me.... I needed everything to just go back to "normal"  Soon my normal became trips to Mayo Clinic on a regular basis, no exercising, certainly forgetting about my marathon running, missing my son terribly and worrying that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family, I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric.  Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs and seeing oncologists were now my normal.  Soon my normal became kneeling and praying morning, day and night, begging pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing.  Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing,  especially not for myself and now it was another normal for me.
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life.  I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge.  I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.

Bone Scan

Maryann called me on Friday to inform me that my bone scan is scheduled for Monday April 4th.  My blood work came back elevated, which is consistant with what they see in a patient who's cancer has metastisized and would explain the pain in my right hip bone.  They will schedule the rest of the scans once we get the results back from the bone scan.  Eric and I are trying to be positive, even if the cancer has metastisized we will deal with it then.  My ward is having a fast for myself, and 3 other people in our ward on Thursday night starting with the evening meal and ending on Friday with the evening meal, if anyone would like to join us.... the Lord listens and the Lord answers prayers..... right now I am praying for comfort and peace.