Enduring ongoing adversity

There are so many differences in all of our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to take care of families while some struggle with loneliness.  I believe we all  have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity.  I've also realized the reality of those adversities  cannot be compared to each other.  For example; Many years I was dealing with a teenager who was really struggling with some serious issues.  It was heartbreaking to watch, especially knowing if this child would just be obedient life would be so much easier for them. One day I went to visit a friend who was clearly devastate and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughters name then through her tears explained "She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced, she's only 15, we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18" Her perspective and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking. 

There have been periods, sometimes long ones, when my life seem to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately the nature of our lives gives way to distress,  for me periods of good health have come to an end, and misfortunes have arrived.  It seems to be more difficult  when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. The suffering of health issues or the loss of material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I have to be transparent here, and admit I have felt the anger and questioned why?

I realize the  anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came at such a shock. To be blessed with  good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, almost as an arrogant ignorance. After all hadn't I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue now for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind.  I have considered myself a brave woman yet many times have cried out loud “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of  infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and  be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an  aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” it becomes even more painful when I see others struggling including those I love.  When Recker was diagnosed with Autism I wouldn't say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking "why?"  It was especially hard for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our 2nd grandson diagnosed with Autism, I have to be honest it rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking "why, why would you send these spirits to the same patents?" This type of  distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me, the Lord knows all and if I continued without faith doubt could grow and spread it could make me or my children turn away from God, blaming him with the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily or  those feelings could lead to loss of faith and question if there was a God at all. Again I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis...."why me?" with the comforter conveying to me over and over again I soon asked "why not me?"  It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now "Thank you Lord for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys" (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I'm not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became clear that for me to have trust in Him, I  must be transformed through making righteous choices daily, that is hard to do. I often still wonder  if I am prepared for such a great a trust.  Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith.  I deal with facts and  the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

I'm so grateful for this education, as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. I'm convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend.

It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer.  Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray and work and wait for help. He could easily take this all away but He chooses to teach by own personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own personal experiences.

The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading  has helped me and has encourage me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately it feels it will not end, during these times even physical strength is difficult, listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity are hard to comprehend.  The comments made are even difficult to hear. (sorry just being honest)

I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony.  I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle. This is so much easier to write than actually live through.

I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I've had the attitude “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith; it has tested it and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered in the midst of the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect the miracles to happen, and thank the Lord ahead of time for the miracle that I know is just around the corner.
I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.  Recker and Ezra are beautiful loving children, but don't mistake their love and affection with an easy road to take.  From day to day they struggle, not knowing "what is going to happen next?" Those boys are into everything.  Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal so try to imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk.  Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want.  I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as the parent who is caring 24 hours, worrying 24 hours.  The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love however, I can't imagine the heaviness on the shoulders of his parents. The responsibility the Lord has given them, is beyond what I can comprehend.  I know that I am on a road to be the best I can be so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity.

I don't know why but I truly believe the Lord customizes trials to best strengthen and purify us individually.  Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial.
 I know from my own experience that He can and will give us strength to rise through every trial. 

Better not Bitter

-Regina Clara Heath-

I can't sleep tonight, I wonder if it is selfish to ask the Lord to take it all away for now--probably huh?
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the death of my mother, all the fear and doubts I have ever had about myself are all flooding back into my head and I need a release, at least for now.  I can't carry this burden I'm feeling anymore--I have flown on the wings of the angels who have carried me through life's experiences, my soul has been healed by sweet testimonies born by people in my ward, people who have no idea how they have touched my heart.  This has definitely been a ravenous storm I was not prepared to deal with, I honestly thought this was the one place HE knew exactly how I was feeling, I thought HE truly understood that I could not handle this one, just take it away, let me not feel, let me have numbness and let it pass.  I have asked to please just let Sonya and Kris take care of this one--I understood HE was willing to let me take a "get out of jail" card--obviously HE and I are were not on the same page, because this pain is not going away--I'm glad my kids have not seen my pain, for now I just need to cry--oh boy do I need to cry, just get it all out, I know that it is even hard for my Heavenly Father to see, I have to believe he wants to take it all away and HE has the power to do just that, but where is my learning and growing in him doing that?

Sometimes, I am feeling weakness and the heart ache starts to pull me down, no matter how hard I fight it, I know  I agreed with the Lord he could put this beating heart inside me when I came to earth, HE already knew the fullness of that pain and suffering I would feel--I have full knowledge of this proof he has so graciously let me feel--but today I just need to not ask why, or when it will stop, I just need to let it be what it is--I am broken hearted--more than that, I am broken, I have felt joy in my life, so much joy, so much blessings have come to my family, in fact my family is my blessing, but I wonder if at times like this if it is ok to feel the pain, I know it is not going away anytime soon. I just need this time to try and understand once again what I am supposed to learn.  I know for a fact HE will take the pain away, maybe not today, but HE will take it away--like Hillary Weeks says in her song  "just let me cry" Yesterday I was laughing and enjoying my grandson, pure ultimate joy in my heart--within moments that joy was taken away--I want to come away from this better, not bitter--HE knows my heart, HE knows my willingness to give all I have to HIM, until the last tear drops from my face, I will try to have no regrets, I plead with the Lord to not let me feel those regrets, please take those away, carry them away--I can't take those right now.  Tomorrow is a new day, I will rise, kneel in prayer, cry and repeat if I have to, but please NO REGRETS--please let the healing begin, please with all my weaknesses and mistakes let me feel your grace.

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time is 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
 It's seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and real and I need to write for therapy.  I always wondered what this would feel like, today my mom passed away.  She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple miles from my home.  My sister Sonya, (mother Theresa) got the call from moms bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple hours one way everyday to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her, so she made the decision to move mom to this side of town.  A few months before my diagnosis with cancer my step father, Gary died and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her, I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years, (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening)  it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and out of the blue had a feeling of forgiveness come over me stronger than I had ever felt before, I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know.  It simply read "Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy we live in Gilbert Arizona and are very happy.  I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya  within 6 months he passed away and I was at his bedside.  My choice to be at his bedside did not have a lot to do with him, but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

 I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go and I never judged them for that, in fact Sonya begged me not to go, she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed, and the depression, guilt and heartache start all over again.  She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway, it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him, it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side, it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea.  But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion what so ever--NONE.  I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom and said good bye.  The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home, I replied "Yes mom I would love to help you, what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to  you...." the sarcasm and stinch in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded "mom, please not now, your husband just died yesterday, can we please just let this go, I want a clean start with you"  she abruptly interrupted me and said "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did"  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? according to you and he both, he never did anything wrong? blah blah blah this led to a huge bowl of tears on my part and I immediately called her bishop to tell him, this was not going to work and he would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother.  Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom and, well lets just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me.  I love Sonya for that.  A few months later came my cancer diagnosis and of course Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to come to the hospital or make life anymore stressful than I needed it to be.  I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back, I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry, if she did then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

The past month I have realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I needed to forgive my mother.  I have asked myself over and over again, "how can you forgive your father who beat you as a three year old and as a result made you deaf in one ear?"  'how can you forgive the stepfather who  abused you, but not be able to forgive your own mother?"  Theses questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren, why did she stay with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood.  All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and wish it had never happened"  or just "I'm sorry" that would of been sufficient.  I was never granted those simple words, or the words "I love you"  One day recently while at the Temple I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her, this is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did.  Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day.  I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally.  I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love.  Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance.  During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room.  He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light.  My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January.  This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now.  That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard.  It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone.  Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her?  Was the Lord protecting me from more pain?  When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad.  After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom.  My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go.  When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began.  I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

Monday Mormon Myth's and truths #10

I think this is the longest I have gone without posting on my blog--now I have some catching up to do.  I missed 2 Monday Mormon posts--and have received a few emails asking about why?  Oh, where to even start...... let's just say I have been on a mini vacation after this last mini stroke.  I will talk more about that later this week.

My question for this Monday Mormon  Myth's and Truths was this:

Do Mormon Leaders Practice Celibacy?

ANSWER:  Let's hope not, I would have to say NO NO NO

While we as Latter Day Saints believe in controlling our appetites and passions,  living a celibate lifestyle would go against our belief that God's plan for His children, and the purpose of life centers on marriage and family.  So to be frank with you, not only do Mormons get married, but all of our leaders, bishops, apostles and prophets can, do and are encouraged to marry and have children.  The scriptures read "For Marriage is ordained of God unto man.....that the earth might answer the end of its creation"

Next question, I've received several email about

What is the Mormon view on Homosexuality?     http://www.mormonsandgays.org/


ANSWER: We believe that people with same sex attraction are children of God, they are loved by Him and are of infinite worth, just like all of God's children.  However, Mormons believe homosexuality is contrary to the physical and spiritual purpose of human sexuality, which we also believe are closely tied to the creation of children by a man and a woman withing a marriage.
The expectation of sexual abstinence outside of marriage is the same for all Mormons, regardless of whether they face homosexual or same-gender attraction.  Although the LDS Church has no official
position on the causes of same gender attraction, LDS theology teaches that each person has the power to control their own behavior.
In our opinion there is a difference between same-gender attraction, and same-gender action.  As long as a member with same-gender feelings lives the moral standards of the LDS religion, they are welcome to--and do, worship, serve, attend, and participate fully in the Church.
I want to clarify what the difference between same gender-attraction and same-gender action is.
There is an official LDS church pamphlet on homosexuality, God Loveth His Children, Church leaders have said this "Attractions alone do not make you unworthy.  If you avoid immoral thoughts and actions, you have not transgressed even if you feel such an attraction.  The first presidency stated:
"There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior"
In the official handbook church leaders have said "If members feel same gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, they may hold temple recommends and receive temple ordinances."
 Jesus loved all people, even when He did not support or agree with their behavior, like the woman taken in adultery (John 8: 3-11) The LDS people should be striving to do their best, and the same as the Savior did.  Regarding issues of homosexuality and same-gender marriage, we are encouraged to reach out with understanding and respect to individuals who struggle with same gender-attraction.

This next part is coming from ME Monya, not from any handbook or official "MORMON" rules.
When I was 29 I was faced with some demons, the memories of my childhood.  I had never discussed it with anyone, including my husband.  These demons were effecting my marriage and my relationships with people, my level of trust was on the down slide when it came to men and intimacy.
One night in a rage of fear I verbally attacked my husband and accused him of things that were simply not true.  Eventually, I was able to go to my bishop and tell him about my childhood and some of the things that had transpired during the course of my life up until that time.  He encouraged me to face the issue and talk to my husband about it.
 Over the next year, this wise bishop encouraged me to face these demons and question the perpetrator.  I did, after much prayer, fasting and discussion I finally did it, I was under the impression that all would be solved, that once I faced the man who had done these things to me, that he would look at me and say "I'm so sorry, I've been waiting for this to come up, I need to repent"  Eric, being the wise man that he is said "Monya, please do not think that all is well or going to go as smoothly as you think, be prepared for the rejection"  I was shocked when I was told "I don't remember doing those things to you"  to make this very long story shorter, I ended up being devastated by his re-action, no feeling, no memory, nothing, just "so what do you want me to do now?"  Needless to say I was able to find a therapist who happened to be a Mormon bishop, at the time I felt it was necessary for me to be able to talk freely about my beliefs and needed someone to actually HEAR what I was saying.  I was asked by this therapist to join a group therapy with all women who had been abused, it was a small group of us I think only 6 or 7.  One of the women in the group was younger than me, had served a mission and was attending the Temple on a regular basis, she also held a position in her ward young women's organization.  She was abused by a cousin growing up, she had never discussed it with anyone (text book behavior) after weeks and months of getting to know her, I adored her, I could not believe she was not married.  In our sessions we were allowed to openly ask questions to each other and try to understand and help each other with our struggles.  I asked her about why she was not married, her response was that she had been engaged a couple of times but could not bring herself to marriage, because she was a lesbian.  I remember thinking "WHAT? this does not make any sense, how can a beautiful, intelligent, worthy member of the church be a lesbian?" So I asked the therapist, his response changed my thoughts and feelings for same gender attraction and I will never forget it.
 He asked her why she thought she was a lesbian, and her response was because she could not bring herself to even think of marrying a man after the abuse she had been through, having sexual relations with a man would never be possible. Then the therapist said "can you see yourself having sexual relations with a woman?" she said "no way, I just can't ever see myself being close to a man and I feel more comfortable around women, if I could live with a woman and have someone to talk to for the rest of my life I would be happy to never have sex"  He said "you are a worthy woman, you have done nothing wrong, the Lord is the only one who knows your pain, he is the only judge of what you can and cannot handle, but if you ever acted upon those sexual feelings with another woman that would be considered same gender action, until then you are worthy of every blessing the Lord has to offer"
I have several friends who have children that struggle with same gender attraction, some have acted upon it and some struggle with it but remain steadfast and immovable when it comes to their faith and HOPE in God.  I did not keep in touch with this beautiful young woman, so I am not quite sure how her journey is going, but I do know, none of us have the right to judge any person who is struggling with same gender attraction, it is a real and emotional struggle for families who are living with it.  I am grateful that WE THE PEOPLE are not the final judge, only the Lord knows our struggles and only the Lord will be our judge.

Let The Light Shine

I think sometimes it's hard in life to keep ourselves in the "Light" for me it has been a constant and continuous struggle.  I remember being a young child and wishing my life was different, the darkness of my life seemed to continue to spiral into an endless tunnel of blackness.

 There was a time when I was profoundly misunderstood by so many people around me, teachers could not understand why I stared out windows during class, obviously not able to concentrate on what was being taught in class.  I recently found my report cards from elementary school, for many years each teacher would comment saying "Monya seems to have a difficult time concentrating during class" or "Monya is  not able to keep up what is being taught" year after year these were the comments by each teacher, I wonder now, why my mother did not pay more attention to the signs.  Being deaf in one ear and the tallest child in class always landed me a seat on the back row of classrooms. Maybe this is why it was so difficult for me to concentrate, perhaps I could not hear what was being taught, it was at those vulnerable young years that I learned to read lips in order to see what the teachers were saying, and even then I only caught half of it.

 We had wooden desks that opened where we could put our books and # 2 pencils, for me they were a place to smash my fingers between the wood trying make my fingers bleed, maybe the pain would take a bit of the pain I was feeling in my heart,  Young and impressionable, I didn't understand divorce, it was not explained to me, where was my dad and who was this other man taking, or trying to take his place?  I know my mother was doing the best she could, but now looking back I realize she was a victim also, and perhaps was even afraid of her future with 3 young girls to raise.

For a child who endures the process of a divorce, they sometimes become more of a commodity than the most important piece of a puzzle.  For so many of us we become like leftovers in the fridge, only looked at or considered if there is nothing new or more interesting to engage in, pushed to  the side hoping to one day be discovered,  unfortunately by that time it is too late, and the leftover has spoiled and needing to be thrown out.  For some, even most people especially those raised in a home of respectful love and unconditional love the thought of this type of life is unthinkable.  For me it was a reality, for so many children today it is a reality. 

As years moved forward, I never really pulled myself from that darkness, the wounds were deep and seemed to scar my soul to the point of not actually letting any person in, sure I had friends in my ward, Linda and Jamie were my best friends and I still love them deeply, however, those two were truly best friends I was just the tag a long.  I distinctly remember one time Linda came to pick me up and as we were driving, I remembered I had not kissed my father goodbye, I asked her if she could please take me back.  Later as we discussed some of the dysfunction that was happening in my home she too remembered that story, only she remember thinking "I wish I had that type of relationship with my father" Linda's father is a quiet humble man, and not a member of the church, I think she silently always wished he had joined, and I always silently wished my dad was more like him.  I had plenty of "friends" in high school, I was the one everyone thought was funny, made jokes I tried to disguise the ridicule and abuse happening in my home with either complete silence or a joke to cover up an awkward situation.  Yes, I think it is safe to say, on display for everyone to see,  was a perfectly well put together family, loving, kind and respectful.  But truth is, I dressed in my closet, feared my fathers voice and  flinched every time he raised his hand to scratch his head, for fear he was going to slap or hit me.  Many times the hurt was not the physical or sexual abuse that hurt the most, it was the words, the penetrating words of belittlement and discouragement--protection came from not letting myself feel--believing and accepting the fact that this was my life, this was who I was and there was no future for me, "no man will ever want you and no doctor will ever be able to heal you"--those words rang clearly in my head--I became numb to any compliment that would often come my way through others in the church.

Stan Johnson, my seminary teacher during high school, was a great influence in my life.  He showed a movie called Cypher in the Snow, in Seminary one time, WHAT? was this real? There were other children in the world who were being miss treated, were there children actually dying of a broken heart?  I did not want that to happen to me, but deep inside I knew I was one of those cyphers in the snow.  I needed to find a way to bring myself out of this aching heartbreak I was feeling.
As Brother Johnson taught me day after day in class, I learned that the Heavenly Father I had been praying to was real, I learned about the spirit of Jesus Christ, as soon as I began to consciously yearn for that spirit to be in my life. I began to open my eyes and see the goodness around me, to hear the spirit whisper to me saying "you are a daughter of God, HE has a place for you, choose to walk in the Light of Christ"  There is an amount of faith that comes with leaving the darkness and trying to let the light shine in our lives. I was, and still do sometimes sneak back into a little shadow of darkness, this is the darkness in which Satan wants us all to live in.   Happiness and Light in our lives is a choice, no matter what our circumstances, we have a choice to lift the lives of others with our light or to bring others down with our darkness.  Satan, well Satan does not want to be alone, he always grabs and takes who he can, then he encourages them to go and get others to follow--I choose to stay in the Light.  There are many times I still feel fear, have loneliness, and need reassurance from my Heavenly Father, it is in those times I get on my knees and pray for that light to enter my heart.

Julie Greer once taught me "the spirit can only grow in the light, nothing can grow in the dark"

Hurricane Irene

I have been back to work at US AIRWAYS now for a couple of months....I think I'm  finally  getting some of my memory back, it helps to have notes next to my desk..... Just in time for Hurricane Irene to ravish the lives of so many people I met over the past couple of days.  Friday I went in the reservations center to find out I was mandated 12 hours of overtime not only Friday but Saturday Sunday and Monday...whew...I am not used to that,  it sure gave me an appreciation for my co-workers who do it day after day just to keep food on the table.  My arm was swelling up from my lymphodema I wore my sleeve to keep the swelling down, my feet were swollen up from sitting, my hip was killing me,  and I had a headache by the end of each day. . . . . however,
 Just when I started to feel a little sorry for myself, I would get a phone call from someone stranded trying to get to their loved ones funeral, or wedding, a lady who's brother's remains were being sent, he died in service to our Country,  people sleeping in hostel's  or sleeping at the airport for a week because they cannot afford a hotel/motel or they were all booked to capacity, so many desperate stories of people's lives, it touched me and brought me back to reality.  I really do have so much to be grateful for.  LIVE FREE LIFE IS GOOD

What is Devastation?

I ran into a friend who I have not seen in a very long time, she did not know I had been diagnosed with the VILLAIN and asked me about my short hair, since I have always had pretty long hair she was surprised! We had a nice visit, but one of the things she said to me has really stayed in my head for a few days now. She said to me "HOW DEVASTATING" in reference to my cancer. My immediate response was "no, not devastating, life changing maybe, but not devastating"
So this poses the question to me "what would be my devastation?"
What would it take to make an occurrence in my life be a devastation? When I think back on my life and some of the trials I have had to endure, I realize none of them but one has truly been devastating. That is knowing my mother only lives an hour away and she wants nothing to do with me or my sisters, I have gone through bouts of major sadness and emptiness knowing she does not want to mend and repair, that she does not want to move forward. There were times when I truly thought I could not get up in the morning, knowing that it would be another day without some resolution, its been 18 and 1/2 years now, so much time has passed, so much of life has happened and all without the luxury of being able to pick up the phone and call my mama for some advice, or a recipe. It makes me sad when I hear people talking badly about their grandmothers, I wanted my children to have a grandma, someone to bake cookies for and with, someone to hold hands with at the zoo, someone they could be proud of, but instead they were left with nothing, no memories, no history, nothing but emptiness, they don't know what it's like to have a grandmother. Eric's mom (best mom and person I have ever known) died of breast cancer before any of my children were born.
It gave me a chance to think about the word DEVASTATION and I realized it means different things to different people. I always thought if I were to get a life threatening disease like cancer it would be devastating, but I think what I was afraid of was having to change my life enough to be ready for death. So for me the only devastating part of dying from cancer would be if I died without the knowledge that I will be with my family again. If I died without my children knowing how much I love them, if Eric never knew how I adore him, and if none of them knew that I have a testimony of the Gospel. I know if we all live our lives in a way that our Heavenly Father would be proud of, if we serve one another as HE did and do our best everyday to be more like HIM death is not devastating. Knowledge of this gives me HOPE and also gives me power to overcome FEAR.