Abundant Blessings

Today a whirlwind of emotions over powered me and allowed me to reconnect with what is really important in my life.  Kayla came by with the boys, Recker is now 6 and a half years old.  He is non-verbal but I believe he knows exactly what we are talking about, he has emotions and feelings. He came in and hugged me, I said "I love you" and in his own way he showed me he loves me too. Then little Ezra hugged and kissed me. I said "I love you" he replied "I l@#$% you" interpreted it says "I love you too" he now says Bon Bon, Papa, all the families names, mom and dad he will also repeat anything we ask him to.....he is trying so hard.  I took them all to lunch enjoying every moment I had with them. Kayla is 9 months pregnant, she will be giving birth to her 3rd son our 4th grandson.  Ezra is so cute he smiles and laughs at everything and everyone.  On his hand he had a happy face and a sad face drawn I asked him what they were he said "Happy" and smiled really big with his huge cheeks I wanted to squeeze. Then he pointed to the sad face and said "Sad" and quickly showed me his sad face. "Very good Ezra, which emotion do you feel now?" "I happy" I left them feeling blessed with these special boys Heavenly Father has entrusted our family with.  I say sincere prayers daily asking the Lord to help me know as a grandmother how I can better understand how to love them and help them.
When I arrived home Blake was getting Weslie out of his car, happy thoughts rushed through my body.  I hoped I could spend some time with both of them.  I of course immediately grabbed Weslie, she is absolutely beautiful. When Blake let to go get food for he and Chloe who would soon be arriving I took Weslie in my arms and sang her a song I used to sing to Recker when he was her age.

I love you Weslie,
Oh yes I do.
I love you Weslie
Oh yes I do
When you're not near me I'm blue
Oh Weslie I love you.

I walked and rocker her for several minutes singing over and over the same words, when she finally fell asleep on my chest I laid down with her on the sofa. Examining every inch of the miracle straight from Heaven.  Her eyelashes perfectly shaped, long and lush. I could feel her heart beat on my mine the smell of her skin angelic.  An enormous amount of pride rushed through my body thinking about Blake, Chloe and Weslie they are a cute family.  Watching Chloe mothering little Weslie is so refreshing I love her as a daughter, I consider her my daughter.  Watching Blake being so involved as a father warmed my heart. Tears fell from my eyes, I have so many blessing to be grateful for. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment. I was in awe.

I've wanted to transition the toy room we have upstairs to the downstairs room---this is a huge undertaking for me.  Still recovering from my last surgery has been slower but I really want to get this change done. I began by going through all the pictures and separating them out. In the mess I found several letters from my mother.  Now that she has passed on those letters are read by me in a different context. I believe she and I were trying to resolve a difficult situation however, seeing it from different perspectives  was difficult for both of us.  I feel good about the way I handled the delicate situation, just reading these old letters dredged up some old emotions I was not prepared for. I quit reading the letters realizing she is gone now and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Heavenly Father is in charge and he will deal with this perfectly I have no doubt when it's my time to leave this earth the Lord will have this taken care of, take me in his arms and say I love you.

I rummaged through some letters from Blakes mission, he always has a way of putting me back in the right frame of mind. He really was a great missionary. Then I found a book Kaitlyn wrote about her brother she couldn't have been more than six or seven years old.  She illustrated the book with her and Blake on bike rides going to the Library and then to water and ice...the illustration showed them bicycling and her yelling out to him "Hey wait up" Her sincere love for her brother came out when she said how much she loved him over and over, and also how grateful she was to have such a 'cool' big brother. My heart was again swelled to capacity, I was never the 'perfect' mom but my children turned out perfectly beautiful to me.

To end my night tonight I read a talk given by a religious leader Elder Neal A. Maxwell--the title of his talk was Enduring Well.  I came to the conclusion it is impossible for me to completely understand.  Because I believe there is an Atonement of Christ it makes it easier to comprehend why suffering and trials are about trusting in God to keep his promises.

"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass 

through us in ways that sanctify us."

I have been stretched at times in my life to the point of doubting my Faith and Hope in difficult times.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: "I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning. understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 

I have allowed trials to pass through me and sanctify me in ways I never thought I had the ability to endure.  We all suffer in our lives, but do we mourn those trials, do we go forward with patience hoping for the Lord's hands to guide us through?  I believe I have been open and honest with my entire life, my book is going to expose truth in trials and how I have allowed those spooks to over power my life..I am so grateful for those hardships and enduring them with grace it has allowed me to grow, love others and serve unconditionally.  I have not regrets, I love my life. 

Life moves so fast

poor baby Ez

Just when I think life is moving as it should, a reality hits me hard and brings me back to the place where I need to be, a place in my heart that I've been missing for awhile.  Our beautiful baby Ezra joined our family, and then was struck with severe RSV.  He was put in the hospital and Kayla had to stay with him 24/7, Jeremy was there as much as he could be, but also had to work.  I had the privilege of taking care of Recker, he is our 3 year old autistic grandson, he is non verbal, but boy can he make some noise.  He too, has not been feeling well I took him to the doctor and he had a ear infection, sinus infection and croup.
My love for Kayla, the mother, has become more endearing as I have now seen 24/7 for a week what she deals with on a daily basis. Although, Recker spends a lot of time at our house it is a  completely different story when you are watching him non stop for that long of time.
While at the doctors office he went through every drawer and cabinet he could get his hands on, climbed under the desk, picked up the phone, played with the computer system and twirled on the doctors chair, it was all fun until..... the pediatrician came in to visit our little guy.  He had a complete melt down when the doctor looked in his ears, then came the news he needed a steroid shot in the arm, I thought to myself "oh boy, he is not going to like this"  HE DIDN'T.  He screamed and threw his body around like a rag doll, tears filled my eyes as he looked at me as if to say "why, why are you allowing her to do this to me?"  I tried so hard to get him to settle down, I sang him a song, tried to rock him and soothe him with calming words, but it just made it worse.  I thought I should get him calmed before I walked back through the waiting area, that idea was not going to happen, so I quickly made a dash for the door and out to the car, all the while he was out of control.  I sat him down to open my car door and he started to projectile vomit every where including on me, it looked like an alien shooting out of his mouth.  Oh my gosh, I felt so bad for him, all I could do was hold him and love him.  Kayla has told me about these melt downs he has, but I have not really ever seen him work himself up so badly that he vomits.  By the time I got his medicine at WALGREENS and made it home he had calmed down and fallen asleep.
Kayla and Jeremy were missing him so badly,  I felt bad for them too.  Luckily they were able to come and see him at least once a day.   I took Recker to our condo in Mexico for a few days, thinking maybe if he were not here in Arizona, it wouldn't be such a temptation for them to come visit him.  The reason why I use the word temptation, is because Recker has been sick and I'm pretty sure he gave whatever he had to Ezra, if Kayla and Jeremy were to transfer it bak to Ezra he would never get better.
I had a great time with Recker in Mexico.  This boy loves the outdoors, the ocean, the sand, the grassy areas, and especially the pool.  From 9 am to 6 pm he was outside running and playing.  One day he made a mad dash for the ocean, I was running after him, I watched him play in the water for over an hour, then decided it was time to go to the pool.  Of course Recker thought I was picking him up to take him inside, so he started to scream, and try to scratch his way out of my arms, he is extremely strong, I could barely hold him up.  Everyone was staring, my swimsuit top was down to my stomach and my breasts were fully exposed, I had to either continue to the pool area or drop Recker.  I chose to continue, all the while saying to myself "no big deal, my breasts have been exposed to complete strangers before,  I can handle this" then the Mexican vendor yelled "hey lady, want to buy some sunglasses?" I turned and looked at him and with a scowl on my face replied "are you serious?"
I finally made it to the pool area, where I am quite sure I gave a 80 year old man a slight heart attack, I was so mortified I wanted to look at him and say "what, you've never seen a 50 year olds boobs exposed while carrying a 3 year old screaming and scratching his way to freedom?"  Eric happened to be walking towards the pool, and with his hands in the air, as if to say "what the heck are you doing?" he ran over to help me--save the day, however just a little too late. I calmly sat down on the chair pulled up my swimsuit and laughed.  What else could I do?
Although my swimsuit never came down again, I will say it took two of us to get Recker up to the condo after a long day of playing, he never, ever wanted to go inside.
We face timed Kayla and Jeremy each night before Recker went to bed, and we could get an update on how Ezra was doing.  It was hard, Ezra would be doing good then bad, we never knew what each day would bring.  He is home now and seems to be doing well, Recker has been on his antibiotic for over a week now and is doing better also.  Today, while they were visiting us Recker had a complete melt down when he had to come inside, Kayla was chasing him around the house while he was screaming and not letting her get to him, I heard her laughing, it made me smile--at least she can laugh.
Any parent of an autistic child should be praised, autism is hard, none of us quite understand what it is and why some children have it, but I do know our Heavenly Father knows, and he has a special place in Heaven for these special little angels.

Recker at the doctors office

Ezra hooked up to the machines

He looks sick

he looks so little in that crib

Moving Forward

Surgery was successful, all I remember is going to sleep in the OR on Wednesday and waking up on Monday ha ha.  My days are all off, I  drove all the way to Scottsdale for a doctors appointment I don't have until tomorrow.  I have to admit I loved getting out of my bed and seeing some sunlight.

Today I saw  the Dr. he took out the sutures and the nose brace, but unfortunately for me the stints have to remain up my nostrils for a couple more weeks to give the bones time to heal correctly. I have black and blue around my eyes and cheeks, I've had to control the pain with drugs but am quickly getting off of those. Now I'm dealing with keeping food down, even a few bites of anything. Kayla has been bringing me peanut butter banana smoothies, it may take all day to drink but it tastes good and stays down, so I know I'm getting some protein.

Now isn't that beautiful?

If I'm  completely honest at this very moment I'm feeling a little defeated knowing we have some  serrious decisions to make. Recently I was boo hooing and  venting to a friend, and doing a pretty good job at it too, then she reminded me  about something  my oncologist told me from the beginning.... he said he will not tell me I'm cancer free, but he will be with me until the end! My 1st thought was "until the end.? What the heck does that mean? "then she continued saying "did you ever stop to think that you are NOT here for what YOU still need to learn, but for what people can learn from you?"  I've never thought about this journey of life being for anyone but myself, what am I supposed to be learning has always been my question to myself and in my pleading prayers to the Lord.

I'm not someone with a whole lot of confidence in myself or my abilities to uplift and help others. I know some incredibly talented people, they have worked hard to become musicians, singers, athletes,   cooks,  authors, scrap bookers,  doctors, attorneys. PA's, radiation therapist (I love them)  I could go on and on, the point I'm trying to make is when she said those words to me two things went through my mind 
#1. What a bunch of crap  I have nothing to teach anyone, and if for some reason she's right, I don't want to do it anymore, find someone else to learn from. and then came # 2. Change your prayers. To my dear sweet friend thank you for giving me something new to worry about... Ha ha I love You.

Autism Speaks--Recker Love

Most everyone knows that my favorite little guy in the whole wide world was diagnosed with Autism last year.  Recker is the light of our life, he is surrounded with family who love him more than life.  My daughter Kayla has a blog, I would like all of you to check out, it keeps up with Recker and the experiences of raising a child with Autism.  Kayla is deeply involved with the Autism Speaks non-profit organization.  I am so impressed with her taking a step forward by studying, searching and increasing her knowledge about Autism by volunteering and attending meetings to learn more.  I think you will be surprised and strengthened by reading her blog.
http://ourholland.blogspot.com/2012/03/2012-cdc-autism-report-national.html

What is Normal?

So the other day I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing, and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home--his reply was "mom, I feel like I'm getting back to normal again" I then asked him "what is normal son?"  then we had a long conversation about being normal.  My thoughts are still on that conversation.  I told him that our normals continually should be changing.   Two and a half years ago my normal was certainly different than they are now, I was worried about children, getting up going to work, worrying about children, making dinner every night, worrying about children, cleaning house, training for a marathon, worrying about children.  Then Blake surprised us with deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW did my normal change in a heartbeat.  Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on a back burner--now my normal was how can I do this? every thought that occupied my thoughts were -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer, and Eric, my sweet husband having to see me go through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? how could I let him see me bald and sick? and more important than all I worried he would worry too much about me.... I needed everything to just go back to "normal"  Soon my normal became trips to Mayo Clinic on a regular basis, no exercising, certainly forgetting about my marathon running, missing my son terribly and worrying that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family, I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric.  Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs and seeing oncologists were now my normal.  Soon my normal became kneeling and praying morning, day and night, begging pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing.  Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing,  especially not for myself and now it was another normal for me.
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life.  I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge.  I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.

Find Some Humor In It

I just started getting the itemized bills from when I was in the Hospital. One of the items struck me very funny. When I got out of surgery the doctors put this white ugly bra on me, huge Velcro down the front, something you might see at a dollar store. Well that ugly bra costs me over $200. I was so shocked by that and even more shocked when I realized that they threw the 1st bra away during my 2nd surgery and gave me a "fresh" one. Trying to find some humor in this, I decided to rhinestone it, totally bling it out, and when I go see Doctor Kreymerman this Friday I am going to have it under my gown and tell him that if the Hospital is going to charge VILLAIN patients $200+ for a bra then it should be "runway ready" Tamy, Kayla and I had alot of fun doing that on Saturday, and after Tamy and I went to our class last week and found out how to make turbans out of plain t-shirts she made me 3 and rhinestoned them also. She definitely needs to show the ladies who teach at the American Caner Society how its done, because the one they made were really kinda lame. Thanks Tamy and Kayla, it was so fun. I love you both !!