Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Today marks 3 years since the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I have so much to be grateful for, although the fears are still embedded deep within my soul I can honestly say it is an accomplishment to be where I am today, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Physically my body has taken a harsh toll, nothing that I have ever been used to.  Side effects have literally kicked my behind end.  I still deal with lymphodema,  neuropathy,  hip pain, migraines, blurry vision, insomnia and some even more personal effects that I won't talk about hear on my blog.  I have always been a person who deals with the rigors of daily life by going full out 100 percent in my workouts 5 -6 times a week, not being able to workout has been extremely hard for me, it's always been a part of who I am and what I enjoy.  I have had to learn to accept the things I cannot do and be grateful for the things that I can do--I have no doubt in my mind I will be able to cycle, run and workout again someday, just maybe not at the level I was previously used to doing.  I have also learned to control what my cravings for food are, I have been successful for 2 years now controlling the amount of sugar, white flour and processed foods I eat allowing me to now be in more control of my mind and body.  Giving myself the pleasure of enjoying whatever I want while on vacations or Holidays and Birthdays, helps me to have dates to look forward to.

Mentally, well this one may be still negotiable by my family--ha ha.  Knowledge is power in my opinion.  I read a lot more than I have ever done before, trying to find ways to better my life, giving myself some alone time everyday to meditate and calm my spirit from the world.  I have come to the conclusion so much of how we deal with life and circumstances is in our mind, we all have the ability to feel fear, hurt, pain, and in many instances we are the ones who have created those feelings. I definitely have not mastered being able to warn off those feelings with my mind, I WISH.

Spiritually, I am in no way an expert in this area, however, compared to where I was 3 years ago I feel like I have come along way.  Being diagnosed with a life threatening disease seems to put priorities in order for most people.  I have learned to put aside the things that really don't matter and focus on my eternal perspectives.  I have no idea what will happen today tomorrow or next year, I know those things are in the Lords hands, but what I do have control over is how I react to the people who bless my life with their kindness and maybe even those who struggle with their own demons.  I know without a doubt in my mind that when I serve others and give my whole and heart and soul to those in need, HE hears me and knows my prayers for those people are real.  I want so badly to leave this life with NO REGRETS.  I ask for peace and for my spirit to be blessed with HIS presence, do I fall short sometimes?  YES, but I also know that is expected, none of us are perfect, the  most wonderful thing I have learned is this, I can quickly be comforted by a sweet spirit every time I ask for help, when I kneel to pray or if I'm on a crowded street or in a hospital waiting room, my thoughts are racing at times but HE always hears me and feels my pain.  HE knows me and I know HE lives, the reassurance of that knowledge gives me strength at times to move forward and try to become the best that I can be.

I would never wish cancer upon any person, EVER, it is a difficult road.  I am just grateful that I have the knowledge I have, the overwhelming experiences I have had, and the eternal friends I have made during this journey I would not trade for anything in the world.  I count my blessings everyday--beginning with FAMILY.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Panick attack at the BATMAN movie

Last night, at a very last minute decision we decided to go see the Batman movie- Kailtyn, Brian, Blake & Chloe, Eric and I.  It was late and I don't particularly like going to movies anyway, but wanted to get out of the house. 

Even though the theater was still pretty full we were able to get seats up higher but I was in the middle next to Chloe and Eric--immediately I began to feel claustrophobic and a little un-easy as the lights went down--within the the 1st couple minutes of the show I could feel myself leaning towards a panic attack-- checking for the exit doors, watching every person getting in and out of their seats.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see a woman dressed in all black, something hanging from her pants which looked to me to be a gun, immediately I panicked starting breathing really harshly and told Eric I needed to get out of there asap.  I rushed out in to the lobby, pacing trying to get my heart rate to calm down, I was shaking so badly when Kaitlyn came up behind me to see if I was OK I jumped with fear and I think I even scared her a little.  Within a few minutes the woman dressed in black approached me and asked if I was OK, I told her I was fine just needed some air, I noticed the walkie talkie hanging from her pants was not a gun after all, she and I had a little conversation about my panic when I saw her walking up and down the aisles--but asked her to just let me be and I would be OK in a few minutes I just needed some time to get my head back where it should be.  I said a prayer and a few minutes later I walked back into the theater, still not brave enough to walk up to my seat, I stood at the top of the landing leaning against the wall watching both the exit doors and trying to comprehend what was happening on the movie screen--within minutes there was a shooting scene, where innocent people were being killed--I made a mad dash for the exit and back into the lobby.  "What the heck is going on in my head?"    My thoughts continually thinking about all of those innocent people in Aurora Colorado last week who were shot dead while sitting in a theater just like this one watching this exact same movie-- I'm not sure why these things happen in our world, what makes a person do the things they do, but it put enough fear in me, fear that I had no idea even existed in my soul.  When I finally got it together and was brave enough to walk back up to my seat, that is exactly where I wanted to stay, close to Eric-- he held my hand and could feel my entire body shaking, it was paranoia taking over--every time anyone got up from their seat to leave I would swing my head to see who they were and what they were doing--needless to say this movie was the longest movie I have ever seen and could not enjoy it, I was never so happy for a movie to be over.

As we walked out of the theater I was looking in the eyes of every person I could see, not sure what I was hoping to see, but wondering if any of them felt like I did, trying to decipher if any of them had it in them to do what this terrorist did, wondering how the lives of all those who survived that awful night will ever be able to get past it, their lives are forever changed--going to a movie will never be the same--will they ever go to another movie?  and for sure the Batman series will forever bring back those horrible memories for them. I was impressed with Christopher Nolan this past week as he flew to Aurora to be with the families of those effected by this horrible tragedy, this is what he had to say:

"Speaking on behalf of the cast and crew of The Dark Knight Rises, I would like to express our profound sorrow at the senseless tragedy that has befallen the entire Aurora community. I would not presume to know anything about the victims of the shooting but that they were there last night to watch a movie. I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."
-Christopher Nolan 

I came home last night opened up my scriptures and started reading anything I could get my hands on about peace-- there were many of those scriptures already marked by me, but one that stood out was saying that the peace makers here on earth will forever have peace in their souls for eternity.  I said my prayers, snuggled up next to Eric and was happy to be in a home safe, and peaceful, at least for the moment.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Cancer does not Discriminate

Eric and I drove down to our condo in Rocky Point a few days ago--I know it seems like we just got home from a vacation, however for the past 5 years we have spent the 4rh of July in Mexico.  None of our children were able to come, I really miss having them here with us.
We have not been down here for a couple of months, the kids have been down several times without us.  We were surprised how much has changed in just a few months, they now have some really nice paved roads keeping the dust down, a huge SAMS CLUB and a 6 theater movie cinema.  We had date night tonight and went to the movies, it was quite an experience.  The only movie playing in english was Spiderman IV, we said "what the heck, lets try it out"  much to our surprise it was the movie everyone else was going to see, it was a packed theater.  It's interesting watching a movie with Spanish subtitles, we were the only Americans in the jam packed theater.  There were a few times where people were laughing when they really should not of been, Eric and I wondered if the subtitles were wrong or if they just found things funny that we didn't.  The 3D glasses were the best glasses I have ever worn, not the cheap paper ones, these were very sturdy and nice.  One other thing that I thought was really disgusting, but I will mention that Mr. Eric thought was fantastic, instead of butter and cheese sprinkles for your popcorn they have a salsa condiment counter, we saw people putting layers of jalapeno's in their popcorn and then drenching it with either red or green salsa--I asked Eric to not get any ideas--he had the biggest smile on his face, if you know him he loves this kind of stuff, but he complied and just went with the plain ole popcorn.  No more than 5 minutes after we took our seats some people decided to step around us and sit next to us spilling our popcorn all over the floor, Eric went back and they gave him a new bucket, of course his new bucket had jalapeno's and red salsa--me? not a fan, Eric?  he loved it but said it was kinda weird after the lights went down when he would grab a handful and along with the popcorn was something wet (the jalapeno's and salsa)  YUCK---
After the movie was over we walked out to take some pictures of the lobby, the people here are so proud and excited for this new adventure in their town.  I noticed a family, the husband had on a black shirt with a huge pink breast cancer ribbon on the front, I walked up to him and attempted to have a conversation, attempted is the important word here, I speak no Spanish.  From what I gathered he did a breast cancer walk in Mexico, not for his wife but for a family friend, I thanked him for his support and showed him my pink :LIVE FREE: bracelet and he asked me if I was dealing with cancer I nodded and he understood, gave me a hug and said clear as spanglish can be "God Bless You"  As we walked away I looked at Eric and said, I never thought about the fact that Cancer does not discriminate--what a great, fun night I had with my sweetie.

Rocky Point Now Has A Movie Theater

POPCORN with your choice of jalapenos and red or green salsa

best 3D glasses ever made

Eric and his popcorn with jalapenos and red salsa

This is the lobby / concession area very clean and nice

My new friends--breast cancer awareness walkers