Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Oscars

These Cute Girls, Haleigh Williams, Emily Holicky and Haleigh Brownlee
Best In Friendship, Love and Compassion

Hales accepting her award

Brian presenting the award

Haleigh, Haleigh, and Emily
Hollywood has nothing on these girls.  Hales, Emily, and Haleigh all dressed up in their PROM dresses to watch the Ocscars in my Family Room tonight.  I love these girls, what cute humor they have.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

LDS Music Video I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I love this song, I love this video and I love the HOPE in the words.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Be True To Yourself

What does it mean to live your true self?  I have heard that phrase so many times and every time I have heard it I get confused and ignore it.  Recently I heard  someone say "are you living your true self?"
Ok it finally sunk in after days of pondering those words TRUE SELF.  For me it is being the same person when I am alone, as I am when I am with people.  It is being true to myself, by doing what I know to be good and honest and true, whether anyone else in the group agrees with my way of thinking or not. It's not compromising my standards for anyone, no matter what.  I think I have always been that type of person, however, there have been times in my life where I have gone along with the crowd because it seemed like the right thing to do, then later had regrets and maybe even had to repent.  I think I realize now more than ever, life is too short to not "like" yourself, forget about loving yourself, it all starts with if you can stand to be around yourself if you are living a lie.   For example, I am not one to say that every single day for all of my life I have knelt down every morning and every night to pray, or that no days have gone by without me reading and studying my scriptures, I have no problem saying I need to work on those things, I wake up every morning wanting to be a better person when I go to bed tonight then I was last night, not to impress anyone,  but because I know it is what is best for me and for my family.  I do feel like I have gotten to a place in my life where I am "Good With God" and what that means to me might mean something different to the next person, but honestly if I were to die today, I die knowing I was a good person who tried my hardest to be true to myself and true to everyone around me. I am far from perfect, but I am grateful for the knowledge I have that our Heavenly Fathers son Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, all of them, even the little ones like judging someone, or thinking a bad thought about someone who hurt your feelings.  I am human and I am going to makes mistakes, I love that the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows me to say sorry, usually everyday.  It's all about being true to yourself, because in the end you are the one who has to live with YOU, and only you are the one who knows what needs fixin' and what is good to go.  I love you all...
today I am grateful for my sweet husband-oh how I love that man

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain.  The flashbacks that I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, and then they create anxiety and insomnia.  I really believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life.  I also am able to realistically except the fact that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years.  I believe that Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose, he is trying to teach me to deal with my past and try to come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks.  When someone tells you "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep"  those statements in them self create anxiety, trying to not think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly but I can't because I have worked myself into  such an anxiety attack that now it is just too late.  I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can.  Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse, the anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery is still lingering in the thoughts and feelings.  The appointment I have with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I am continually wondering if cancer has taken up residency again, it is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through.  I'm quite sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head there is that silly thought.  The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him for ever thing  and everyone good in my life.   With HIM I know there is nothing I cannot endure.  I try to find some peaceful moments everyday to reflect on all that HE has given me.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Today is February 17th 2011, probably just another day to most people.  It's my mothers birthday today, I've been thinking about her all day. Sad that she lives within an hour of me and I never see her, talk to her or know how she is doing.  
The last contact I actually had with her was 3 years ago when my stepdad, Gary  died.  I got a phone call from Susan May, one of my mothers good friends.  It was weird to hear this familiar voice on the phone, she told me that Gary was in the hospital, he had fallen at work and was in a coma.  She asked me if I would like to come to the hospital and be there with my mom when they took him off of the life support.  I had to think about that one for awhile, I asked her if I could call her back.  I called both my sisters and asked them what they thought, both Sonya and Kris said "no way were they going, and that I shouldn't either" I went into my room knelt down to pray and asked the Lord what I should do.  The answer came quick and clear, "yes" so I gathered my family around and asked them if they would go with me, Eric did not feel comfortable going, and was really against it, however, I am my own woman and I had to do what I had to do.  Saturday came quickly, the drive over to the hospital was agonizing for me, I have not seen my mom or dad for at least 16 years, my head was spinning trying to imagine how this was going to go down.  There was this small part of me that was excited, I realized that now maybe my mom and I could start over and begin to heal this much needed relationship.  My children were so great to go with me, they dropped everything they were doing on a Saturday and went with me to see people they have never met, well actually they had met them but the last time we saw them was on Kaitlyn's 1st birthday and now she was 16 almost 17.  Haleigh is the only child that they have never actually seen, she was born after all this happened.  When we walked into the hospital room is was small and cold, I did not recognize my mother, the mom I used to know was taller and much softer, this woman was hunched over, very short and crippled up with Arthritis. I walked up to her and gave her a hug, it was so extremely uncomfortable, my eyes water up right now when I think about it.
Not too many words were exchanged, I introduced her to my children, I remember sitting in a chair close by her and facing her, Blake was standing behind me holding his hands on my shoulders as if to protect his mama from whatever he expected was going to happen next.  Haleigh sat on my lap, Kaitlyn behind me next to Blake and Kayla on my right side holding my hand.  What a sight we must of been, I'm not sure what thoughts were going through my childrens heads but I know I was thinking "what am I doing here?"  It almost felt as if I was in a dream and I could not wake up.  My chair was at the foot of Gary's bed, it was hard for me to look at him, all the flood of bad memories were sure to well up  and surface as tears in my eyes, I can't do that right now I need to be strong and show no emotion.   My mom and I had small talk, like always, even though I have not talked to her in so long it's always small talk with her nothing too deep, nothing that she would have to think about or admit to. Not much has changed in that department for her.  I'm not judging her, I just think she looks mad, sad she has carried all this anger with her for so many years that I think she has a hard heart, always wanting me to feel like she is one step ahead of me.  When I introduced her to Hales my mom looked right at her and said "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I USED TO SEND YOU BIRTHDAY CARDS EVERY YEAR BUT SINCE I NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU I STOPPED"
The mother bear in me wanted to come across the floor and seriously give her a slap across the face, no-one, and I mean no-one talks to my children like that, instead I let it go and decided that it was not worth it, maybe she is testing me, besides the Lord knows my heart he is the only one who knows where my heart is.
There were some other people it the room including her Bishop, and friends of hers from her church, one of them said outloud in a sarcastic voice "you have a daughter?, where has she been all this time?"  again, I had to refrain from using the words I wanted to, I just sat there waiting for my moms response..... she said nothing, what could she say, we were all there, and I know the real story, so of course she is not going to say anything, she'll wait until I'm gone then she'll fill them all in on what a horrible daughter I am, how I hurt them and ruined their lives.  The nurse came in and said it was time to start the process on Gary, she explained that once they take him off of the life support his body should struggle for a few breaths then he will just go to sleep.
Then my mom looked at me and said "you can go hold his hand and whisper to him if you want to Monya"
a wave of ugliness just went through my body, I can't explain it in words but there was no way in HELL I was going to whisper anything in this mans ear, he tortured me and made my life a living hell for so many years, I cannnot think of one good memory with this man.  I politely said "I'm good, no thanks" then I heard a sigh from someone in the room as if to say "are you kidding me, this is the last time you have to say good-bye" In my head I had said good-bye many, many years ago, now I realize that demon I can never say good-bye to, it lingers in the back of my mind and surfaces when it feels like it. 
They came in took him off life support and believe me when I tell you this, it did not go down like the sweet little nurse said it would.  His body immediately started to gasp for air, his head popped back, mouth open and his body went into convulsions, it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I had my children with me, this was their first experience with death, what the heck was I thinking taking them with me?  I was grateful when they were able to experience the death of Eric's dad Ray Williams just a few months later, it was the same setting except he just went to sleep and it was peaceful as he left this life and went to live with our Heavenly Father, it reminded me of the day Gary left this life, who did he go to live with? because that was one of the most awful experiences of my life.  One of the interesting things about it was there was not much emotion from my mom, she cried a little, then it was all business. She didn't even hold his hand or stand by him.  I cried thinking about what my children had just gone through, they had shock on their faces.
 My mom asked me if I would like to help her with the funeral, I told her yes I would. Finally I thought we were going to heal, mend this tattered and torn mother daughter relationship.  I talked to my moms bishop for a few minutes out in the hallway and explained the strained relationship we have, he was so sweet and non-judgemental, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him with any questions.  I said good bye to my mom and off I went with my children close by, I mean really close I wanted to hug them and kiss them and never leave them.  On the way home it was quiet, I asked all of them how they felt, and they all had different answers but for the most part, it FREAKED them out, my mom freaked them out and they had nothing good to say.  I'm not sure if it's because of their loyalty to me, or they sincerely felt nothing.  They all said it felt very dark and yucky when he actually died, I agreed. 
The next day when I got home from church there were a couple phone calls I had received from my mom, so I called her back to see what I could help her with.  She proceeded to tell me about where to meet her tomorrow, (the funeral home) I asked her if I could pick her up,  but she said Susan would take her. She asked me to do the program for the funeral, I said I would love to do that for you.  In my mind everything was going so well, then all of a sudden it turned, and it turned for the worst.  She said "I just need to say one thing to you...."  Oh no, here it comes, I know that voice, and here it comes, I said "mom, please don't go there, lets just get moving forward and mend this." She started to raise her voice "Do you know what you did to our lives? You ruined our lives..."  I could not hold back "I ruined YOUR life, are you kidding me?"
Her quick reply was "you know he has been forgiven don't you, he did everything he was supposed to, and took care of all of his sins"  "Really?, seriously mom? what did he get forgiven for? because according to you he never did anything wrong?" by now my emotions were getting the best of me, I can hardly breath, I am crying uncontrollably and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest once again.  Finally for the last time I confronted my mom and told her these words "I cannot go backwards mom, I need to continue to go forward I have finally forgiven Gary for what he did to me, I am finally at a good place in my marriage and with my family, we are happy, we love the Lord and rely on him continually for strength, sorry but I am not willing to do this with you .... good-bye" and I hung up, went into a fetal position and cried for over a month.  I called my sisters and they were sad for me, but knew that was what was going to happen, Susan said that my mom kept looking for me at the funeral home the next day, telling the funeral director that she was waiting for her daughter who drives a maroon suburban to show up, finally Susan had to tell her "she's not coming"  Within a month my dad Colby Belshe died, and Erics dad Ray Williams died 6 months later, 2008 was a hard year. 
Today as I think about my mother on her birthday I have a lot of mixed emotions.  My own children have told me over and over again that they are so proud of me and that they are glad I took them to the hospital on that dreadful day, they said it finally let them see into my heart, I loved that, I loved that they, my own children could see what my intentions were, they knew I wanted to mend and heal, but was not willing to go backwards in my life.   For now, I live with guilt,  and all kinds of emotions over my mother, but I know there is nothing I can do about it, I've tried so hard, so many times being shot down by the one person, my mother who is supposed to protect and teach me in love, no matter what age I am.  

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What is Normal ?

It's late, I'm tired but can't sleep another insomnia night I suppose.  My doctor cancelled my appointment for Thursday.  I'm not sure if I should be happy or upset, we did reschedule, still I was sort of looking forward to hearing some results and him telling me how great I am doing.  I miss seeing doctor PK, I thought about him when Eric and I went to see a movie with Adam Sandler as a plastics doctor, I just don't remember the name of it.  In the past year and a half there have been very few weeks that I have not spent at least one day at the Mayo, it has been 5 weeks now, yippie, maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I have so much to look forward to in my life, Blake is coming home in 7 months, we will get his release date in April, so looking forward to April.
My hips, especially my right hip continues to be in pain constantly, last night as Eric and I layed in bed I told him it felt like when I was having chemo treatments this time last year.  My legs were hurting so bad, he rubbed them and it helped.  What is NORMAL? if any of you know please give me a clue, because that is my goal right now, and it's hard to have a goal when I can't even remember what it is.
One thing I am grateful for today is that I finally have hair I can blow-dry, and tuck behind my ear, that is cool, this time last year I was shiny bald.  Having hair I can actually run my fingers through is way cool. People ask me all the time if I am going to let it grow out again, I think I am... I love long hair on women, but boy this short hair is easy to manage. I just wish sometimes I could put it up in a ponytail, and I want it to be grown out a little more before Blake gets home.
I think life is finally going to get back to a normality I can handle, not sure what that is yet but I will make it work for me.  I love you all so much.

Monday, February 14, 2011

What is LOVE ♥

So every year on February 14th, flowers, candy, and even people getting engaged, this is how people in the United States celebrate Valentine's Day.  I read this book about the 5 love languages  in which people show and receive LOVE.   Do you know what your love language is?

1. Quality Time- I think for this person, candy and flowers are nice but they would much rather have  one-on-one time with the person they love without any distractions.
2. Words of Affirmation- For this person it only takes a few words of love and appreciation.
3. Physical Touch- Holding hands, cuddling during a movie, sharing a kiss or hug does wonders for this person.
4. Receiving Gifts- Bust out the gifts, but remember for this person it's more about the thought than the amount of money spent.
5. Acts of Service- Show it, don't just say it. Something as simple as taking out the trash can please your Valentine. ♥

If you know the love language of your husband or wife, it makes Valentine giving so much easier.  Happy Valentine's Day to Everyone I LOVE--♥

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Nothing More Manly

A friend of Haleigh's and Katilyn's got baptized last Sunday, I had the privilege of attending.  One of the men who spoke said some things that really stuck with me and I wanted to share.
He said there is nothing more manly than a man who is worthy , or a man who stands up to what they know to be right.  A man who is able to teach his children righteous principles because he shows by example that he is manly enough, no matter what the world's view is on what a man is.  We hear so much about what the woman's role is but not much about the man.  We as woman compare ourselves to other women, to other wives, to other mothers and wonder sometimes if we are doing the best job, especially young moms.   I also think we worry to much about body image, the media has played such a huge role in that.  Did you know that 8 out of 10 woman are not happy with their appearance?
50% of 10 year old girls wish they were thinner
50% of American woman are on a diet any given day
40% 9-10 year old girls have tried to lose weight, this is all according to an ongoing study funded by the national Heart, Lung and Blood Institute.
8 million people in the US suffer from an eating disorder
The media has continually told us that skinny is better..... an average 5'11" American model weighs 117 lbs an average American woman 5'4" weighs 140 lbs.  They are relentless, and have put celebrities on a pedestal that not only am I sure they don't want the pressure to be on, but that gives our girls a false idea of what real beauty is.  I know our Heavenly Father sees us so differently than the world sees us.
 Being healthy is not being skinny. Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE to exercise it's a mental release for me, but I have realized that since I have not been able to exercise at all since the VILLAIN took over, there is such importance on what we put into our bodies.  I love to Bake and love baked goods and Mexican food and Italian food, and Chinese food, and Indian food, so pretty much I love food. I have had to re-train my body to enjoy all of those things sparingly, to allow myself one day a week to eat what I want and the other 6 to take control of my cravings.  It really works, I have been doing this since May of 2010, after Dr. N told me that refined sugar, white flour and processed foods feed cancer cells, I decided I didn't want to take the chance.
I started this post out about men, and I'm going to get back to that, I have researched this week about men and body image and there are very few articles that even come close to what the media has continually forced on women.  To me, the most manliest men are the ones who love their wives unconditionally, who tell them how beautiful they are regardless of their weight or body type, who encourage and support. There is nothing more manly than a man who cares and is not afraid to show it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Grapefruit Dilemma

Recker squeezed every bit of juice out of that thing

Justifiable or not?

does this qualify as part of ours?
Ok so my husband thinks it is ok to take grapefruit from the neighbors tree if it is hanging into our yard. What do you think?  He then fed it to Recker.... it was gross to watch but I think he liked it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

48 things I want to do in 2011

In January I turned 48 years old .... WOW I remember when I thought a woman turning 30 was OLD, now I think a woman turning 60 is in her prime. It's true that perspectives change as you age and get wiser.
So o o o o o  I decided since I am still so young and have so much of life still to live I am going to do 48 things this year, things I've been wanting or needing to do.  KEEP AN OPEN MIND ha ha these are not all going to happen, but next year what's left over will go on my 49 things to do while I'm 49.

Spiritually Speaking
1. Pray with more sincerity and specific meaning
2. Read, study and ponder the scriptures better
3. Share the gospel with someone new
4. Consistant FHE (no matter who shows up)

Around the House
5. Turn the office into a play room for Recker
6. Clean out the upstairs hall closet
7. Clean out the pantry and get rid of things I have not used in years
8. Go through all cabinets in my kitchen and get rid of what I don't use
9. Change some things in Blakes room
10. Re-Decorate Kaitlyn's room
11.  New flooring and countertops in upstairs bathroom
12. Master bath, new shower, tub, flooring  (basically it needs a makeover)
13. Kitchen-a little makeover- we need new countertops
14. Replace all the lightbulbs that are out--bathrooms, kitchen, family room
15. Replace the knobs on the wall unit in the family room

Personally speaking
16. Take more chances (get out of my comfort zone)
17. Start to exercise as soon as the doctor says I can, and take it slow
18. Run a 5K
19. Run a 10K
20. Go back to work
21. Write down something that I am grateful for everyday
22. Say Thank You more
23. Smile more
24. Spend more time with extended family
25. Enjoy the moment
26. Take more pictures
27. Learn how to use my Video Camera (and actually use it)
28. Embrace my hair

Random Stuff
29.  Give more than I get
30.  Drink more water
31.  Eat more greens
32.  Learn how to thread my serger
33.  Laugh out Loud More
34.  Write more letters
35.  Plant some flowers
36.  Worry Less
37.  See good in EVERYONE (even when it's difficult)
38.  Don't give up
39.  Organize my life (meaning my house)
40.  Read a Book
41.  Snuggle more (Eric)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Letter From The DR

This is the latest from my sweet missionary son, I love him and miss him so much it hurts my heart somedays.

well this week has been sweet we have a lot of really cool investigadors i had areally cool and akward moment the other day we had an investigator tell us that he use to asasinate people and kill people, we were at his house and he didnt want to tell it out loud so he leaned over to me really sketchy and told me  ¨i kill people, people pay me to kill people, and i attack people and beat them up and steal everything thy have¨ and he said because he cant get a job and he had a  crazy dream that said he should go talk to this man in a shirt and tie that lives a few streets away (a man he didnt know) so the next morning he saw that man and that man just so happen to be our branch president and then the branch president invited him to church then the next night he had another dream that misisonaries were teaching him and that he wanted to be baptized so he took all of the lessons then before he was going to be baptized some guy had to come and talk to him and then he talked to him and told him everything and they had to send a letter out of the country and then after a few weeks they recieved a letter that said he can be baptized
its crazy cuz thats exactly what has to happen the misison pres has to come interview him then send a letter to Utah to the first presidency and they say wheter he can be baptized or not and thats the sweer experience i had this guy is huge and is a stud he use to kill people in allys and rob them of all that they have and take the money and sell everything else to make money its crazy but this guy went to church and said that he wants to be baptized the 27th of Febuary he also gave us a reference to his haitian friend that also is going to get married this same day
i am loiving this area a lot the branch president and his family are soo sweet they have this little kid named Nephi (well Nefi en español) ha hes a stud but we are working hard here to baptize like 4 people this transfer
its crazy lately because of CARNAVAL the people go nuts over it they told me that the month of Febuary the country wastes like 150,000,000 pesos on alcohol a week its nuts 


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Beginning to End

It's been 3 weeks since my last surgery.  Honestly, it's been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.  Physically my body is recovering well, it's still uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time.  The part that I have really had a hard time with is the mental ability to continue on without thoughts of my past haunting me.  I rely totally on the Lord to comfort me and know that HE will be with me through it all, beginning to end.
Prayer has become such an important part of my everyday, not that I didn't pray before but honestly, since my diagnosis with the VILLAIN I have noticed a more sincere way of actually talking with God.  I KNOW he hears me specifically when I pray, and that he knows my fears and what I can physically, and mentally handle.  It's been a great comfort to me to have that luxury, and one that for the rest of my life I will never take for granted.