Brittle Bones

I find myself deep involved in wedding planning and have not been able to find time to blog like I usually do.  Blake will be married in 5 short weeks, the reception is taking place in our backyard, I decided this was a perfect time to start my wedding decorating business that I have been wanting to do for quite some time.  It has kept my mind off of my cancer and allowed me some joy.  Of course every mother and father want their children to have a beautiful reception, but I feel a little extra pressure as this will be our 1st reveal of some of the things we will be renting out to others and so we want it to be extra special.

I think most of the invitations are in the envelopes and should be mailed out tomorrow--there will be a few stragglers as we try to get addresses, but that is always expected.  In the midst of all this, I am struggling with the pain in my hip and lower back, I will be seeing Dr. Northfelt (my oncologist) on Monday at Mayo Clinic.  My mind keeps wondering to the worst, but I know the Lord is by my side and will guide me no matter what the prognosis is.  I'm sure more tests will have to be scheduled.

On Wednesday I was bouncing Recker on the trampoline with my shoes on (dumb idea) even with a simple bounce I heard my ankle crack and down I went immediately grabbing my foot and crying like a big baby from the pain--I was glad Kayla was there, Recker does not know how to respond to someone crying--another words he continued to run and play, just over and on top of bonbon, I think he thought I was playing a game. Eric was in the house being "TIM THE TOOL MAN" with the REAL tool man Howard Peterson, so I told Kayla not to bother them, but I truly cannot remember feeling that much pain.
Yesterday morning when I woke up my ankle was swollen up twice the size and hurt even more.  After Dr. appointments and X-Rays taken I was told the ankle was broken--so off to the orthopedic surgeon we went--however, he said it was difficult to see the exact seriousness of the fracture because it is too swollen, needless to say I get to wear that beautiful black boot for a couple of weeks until they can X-Ray or if needed MRI it again.  I am not one to sit around with my feet up eating bonbons and watching TV, so the next couple of days is going to hard--time to put on my big girl panties and buck it up.  Today I laid with my foot elevated most of the day, tonight I put on the boot and was able to put pressure on it enough to walk.

I just hope this is not the beginning of the broken bones that will come--after chemo I was diagnosed with osteoporosis caused from chemo I remember the dr. telling me no more running and hard impact sports and to be careful--I really need to start listening to the doctors advice, every time I think "I'm strong that won't happen to me"  guess what?  It DOES.  The truth is my bones are brittle enough to break even bouncing with my grandson on the trampoline. I'm 49 years old but today I feel 90.

This is a life long Journey🚩

Yesterday Blake spoke in church, he did a beautiful job speaking about the experiences he has had the last 2 years while serving the people in the Dominican Republic.  I was touched listening to him talk about the power of the Atonement in his life-it seems the best conversion story was his own.  His Spanish is flawless, I love to listen to him.  Someone said to me very non-chalantly "so glad you could be here today" at 1st I thought "what are they talking about? I'm here, every week, what does that mean?" then my thoughts immediately went to "you have no idea how glad I am to be here"  HERE as in here on earth, still alive able to see the success of my son, to hear him speak in Spanish so fluently, to see his passion and love for what he believes in,  "Oh yes, I am so glad I'm here too!"
This morning I woke up, knowing I was going to spend the day at Mayo Clinic, I have this love/hate relationship with that place.  I love it for obvious reasons,  and I hate it for more obvious reasons.  The drive to Mayo was much shorter than I expected, my thoughts were wondering--kinda scary for anyone driving down the beeline highway today--some of the things I was thinking about -- the mountains are beautiful, the dessert is dry and I am wondering who I will meet today.
 The 3rd floor smells like always--of sickness and chemo,  there is a stench difficult for me to stomach, especially when I am so nauseated anyway--as I sit in the waiting area I see, like always sick people, some look really, really sick I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be OK, but I know just as well as they do there are no guarantees with the VILLAIN.  I'm not there for long, my name was called within a few minutes as I walk into the infusion lab and see it loaded with people today, it made my heart sad for each of them--my nurse today is Allison, she is pregnant--seriously? can she smell what I smell?   I wonder how does that work for her?  So... I asked her "do these smells bother you?" her response "what smells?" WOW what just happened?  it's hard to believe she can't smell the same things I smell.

Linda-Stage 4 Colon Cancer-What a blessing she is to
her family--so happy and positive

Jenny-- stage 1 Breast Cancer--her husband shaved
his head to match hers--they have a 17 month old baby

Dan-stage 4 colon cancer-metastisized to his lung--
so happy and full of life

Sandy--stage 4 extremely rare cancer--going in tomorrow
to have his bladder removed--will have to wear a colostomy
bag for the rest of his life-yet he made me laugh--
 I loved visiting with him

The girls helped me put some treat bags together (and when I say "girls" I mean Kaitlyn and Haleigh Brownlee)  for all the patients in chemo today, after Allison accessed my port and took all the viles of blood she needed I went around to all the patients and visited with those who wanted to talk, gave them a snack bag and was inspired by each and everyone of them.  This is my favorite part of coming to Mayo--these people are facing life threatening diseases yet they smile and are so positive about life--perspectives change, and I loved all the perspectives today.  Jenny is also a patient of Dr. Kreymerman, she and I high fived each other--then talked a little about him--all good of course.  In case you didn't know I love Dr. Kreymerman-- ha ha.
After spending more than an hour and half in the infusion lab, I was off to get my bone mineral analysis, and X-Rays.  I have always wondered why they make me undress and put on the hospital gown, I thought those machines could see through clothes--they can see through clothes at the airport.
By now I have a splitting head ache--I think trying NOT to be effected by everything going on at Mayo, I get the opposite effect--every little thing I see, hear and smell drains me.  I started early this morning, looking at my watch as I wait for Maryann I can see the time is now 2:30, I won't be out of here for a couple more hours.  These are questions I have for Maryann:

1.  Can I see Dr. Northfelt at least once a year
2.  Why am I so nauseated
3.  Why am I in so much pain, legs and hip
4.  Why does everything taste like metal
5.  Why am I having headaches and insomnia

These are the answers I got from her:

✓1.  Yes, I need to see Dr. Northfelt, its not too much to ask, especially since I will be seeing him for years to come, its important for me to have the reassurance from my oncologist once a year.
✓2.  The pain my body is in is causing the nausea
✓3.  The Xray is showing a spot on my hip bone and lower back caused from the osteoperosis,  neuropathy is still in my legs  caused from the chemo--
✓4.  Forgot to get answer about that one--
✓5.  Not sure about the headaches, she wants me to stop taking the Arimidex for 2 weeks and see if they go away, insomnia is part of the process--its not going away.

Maryann is going to call me in 2 weeks to check on me, and get an update about some of the conditions.
I'm also being referred to the Physical Medicine unit at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Maryann told me they will be able to get to the bottom of the spots on my hip and back.   Leaving Mayo today I'm satisfied that all my questions were answered.  I loved meeting all the wonderful patients in the infusion lab, I realized for the 1st time today that this journey is life long--sad but true.

Hip Pain

This week my hips are really in pain, it hurts to walk up and down the stairs at my house. I don't like taking the pain medicine because it makes me feel like I am giving in to it.
Also this week I have been receiving emails from the American Cancer Society, the last email that came asked me if I was ready to purchase a wig, or look at their catalogue for hats and beanies..... WHAT? Been there done that, there should be some kind of filter that lets A.C.S know we are done with chemo and moving on with our lives. I am having a bit of a bad attitude this past week, can you tell? I really don't mind getting the emails, but when I opened the TLC catalogue it brought back a wave of emotions and memories, Tamy and I looked at that catalogue a year ago and I considered purchasing some hats from them, but decided against it. Then when I did decide to purchase one I got a prescription from my oncologist and bought one at a store close to the Mayo Clinic. BTW I never wore it, never, not even once, I think my kids and all their friends have more fun wearing that wig, even Recker wore it one day.

DANG VILLAIN

Today I was diagnosed by my oncologist with the 1st stages of Osteoporosis, and arthritis in my lower back. WOW I did not see that one coming, I should have, it seems that everything they have told me I "might" get I have gotten. I really don't know whether to scream or cry...... well actually I did allow myself to cry a little tonight on my way to work, and it felt good. Eric is out of town so I don't have anyone to cry with....ha ha ok enough of the pity party, I'm good now its been a few hours and I can breathe.

I was excited to see the doctor today because I wanted to see if the labs would show how hard I have been working on not eating sugar, flour or processed foods ... surprise is he didn't say one thing about that except that "oh you've lost some weight" I thought "seriously? .... thats it? thats all he has to say about that? who cares about my weight what about the fact that I have been in deprivation of sugar for 4 months?" (except for that little trip to Paris .... I didn't tell him about that)

I knew right away that things were not going good when he said "soooooooo, young lady, really, how have you been feeling?" it really wasn't WHATT he said but more of HOW he said it that made me feel like some bad news was coming down the pike. I told him the usual stuff, my lower back hurts sometimes, that my legs and hips hurt all the time, making it difficult to exercise and that my fingers go numb once in a while, also my lymphodema acts up and my arm swells up especially now that I am on the computer at work for long periods of time, and let's not forget about MR. HOTFLSASH he and I have become well acquainted "well..." he said in his low doctor voice "we need to go over your labs" there it is ....here it comes ..... the bad news is on the tip of his tongue I just know its coming,,,,,, finally it did ...showing me the x-rays which by the way are now so clear its like a real picture of my spine, back and bones. he begins to explain the pain in my hips and legs are in part because of the neuropathy I got during chemo, but we have a new problem Osteoporosis caused from the Arimidex I'm taking, something I was told today I will be on indefinitely for the rest of my life. The Arthritis in my lower back was caused from the Chemo Treatments I received. DANG DANG DANG VILLAIN I seriously don't like you!!!!

He continued by telling me how sorry he is to have to tell me this because he knows I am working so hard to do everything possible to not have recurrance and being such a good patient. He told me about a patient he just met with who is diabetic and has cancer but who refuses to know her insulin counts, he said I will probably be stuck with this patient for 30 years continuing to tell her what to do to save her life and she won't take one suggestion, then I have you who does more than what I tell you do and you are faced with another hurdle. I wanted to say "you're right, so what do we do about it?" but I didn't I just stared at him with some stupid look on my face.... he was sitting right in front of me and I was seriously tempted to kick him.... hard.

Just once I want to go to MAYO and get some good news ..... it will come right? I can't tell if the VILLAIN is winning or if I am winning anymore. The Arimidex blocks estrogen and is exactly what stage 3 CANCER patients take to HELP them survive the VILLAIN, but on the flip side of that I guess patients have to live with the sometime consequences. DANG IT, I hope this does not keep me from being able to do everything on my bucket list...doctor said within 10 years I will be IN FULL BLOOM OSTEOPOROSIS ..... I so want to serve a mission with Eric, I want to run a marathon how can I do these things if I am crippled? It just testifies to me more that I need to get everything done in my life that I want to do as fast as I can so I can enjoy it. I'm still planning on training for that marathon next year. Blessings will come, I just have to remember, if not in this life they will come in the next as long as I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ.