CJ Udall

Mesa mom says son died trying to save his dog - WFSB 3 Connecticut

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I've been so proud of Jori and Dwight, my heart aches for them, but spending time with them this week has been such a spiritual experience for me.  My testimony of the Savior and His love for all of His children has been re-confirmed.  This sweet little angel boy touched more lives than he ever knew, it was simple for him he loved people unconditionally.  Just as our Savior does  Oh how I wish I had that kind of love for everyone I come in contact with.

The last couple of days all I can think of is CJ.   There was a time when I was a little girl I tried so hard to touch the stars, I remember laying on the grass in our front yard with my hands stretched as high as I could trying to grasp something, anything I could tangibly touch.  There were times at church I squirmed in my seat trying hard to concentrate on what my primary teacher was trying to teach me.  The older I got, not much changed, except I lived with a quiet ache trying to reach for a truth, desperate to discover something that has always been just out of my reach.  It seemed that Linda and Jami knew what the truth was, I remember one night praying,  a stirring in my heart told me, the knowledge is still yet to come.  Once I felt that special feeling I never wanted to be without it.

Today, as I was remembering those long past days I realized everything I have been learning in this school of life is leading me up to what Heaven is for.

C J is now learning, he is in a school, a Heavenly school, gaining knowledge none of us have, sharing, smiling and finally home where he belongs.  Sometimes we are so desperate to learn it all now, but some of the knowledge is saved, saved for another journey a journey we will gladly take with our Heavenly Family.

CJ Udall-perfect body, perfect mind

Saturday March 15, 2014

What started out to be a beautiful sunny spring day, ended in being a tragic yet spiritual experience for me.  I was in a meeting when I got a text from Kayla saying "Have you talked to Jori? is CJ OK or what is going on?"  "why?" was my reply she said "He's been missing and they pulled his dog out of a canal"  Having no Internet connection I panicked when I text Jori and did not hear back (she always texts back) I left the meeting went home to get more information, then headed straight to Jori and Dwight's home.  When I arrived there were police cars, many many other cars and my heart was pounding as I walked up to her home.  Jori and I have been friends for over 20 years and her husband Dwight and Eric grew up together.  I should also insert here that Eric dated Jori, right before dating me....(long story not pertained to this)
I was greeted by Jori's brother Scott, and Dwight's brother Kent Udall.  It was now that I realized CJ had drown in the canal behind their home.  Last night Jori had a camp out at her home with all the scouts who live in her area.  This morning all the kids were in the pin with the goats laughing and having a great time, when Jori realized CJ was missing--Dwight went out towards Power road looking and yelling for him, Ben, Jori's other son went toward the canal, he yelled for his dad when he found CJ's dog.  Dwight and Jori ran to the canal, Jori hit her knees "yelling, I just want to start the day over, please just let it start over again"  This broke my heart when Kent told me this part.
Jori and I were just at lunch 2 weeks ago talking about how much Recker loves water, and the fear I have of not having a fence around our pool.  This conversation was drowning my thoughts as I walked in to see Jori--she immediately grabbed me and hugged me, I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong for her as she sobbed in my arms.  All I could say was "I'm so sorry, Jori, I'm so sorry"  I couldn't help but sob with her.
With the police and investigators still handing around, Jori pulled everyone into her living room, tried her very hardest to be strong and talk to everyone, she explained about the Priesthood and the blessings that come from receiving a Priesthood blessing, she eloquently spoke about CJ, about his testimony, his love for nature, scouting and his family--she invited everyone in the room to stay as her brother gave her a Priesthood blessing. Then Dwight received a blessing from his father Jess Udall.  Dwight then gave his son's Ben and Josh a blessing, I couldn't help but think about when my brother Lance died, I wish I had been offered a Priesthood blessing.  What a difference that could of made in my life as I dealt with his death.  As Dwight gave Ben the blessing, I glanced up at a picture in their home it read We Tend To Seek For Happiness --- a solemn peace came over me, and I cried harder knowing CJ is with his grandfather Carvel Jackson who he is named after--what a grand reunion they must be having--through the sounds of sniffling and tears I could feel this sweet spirit testify to me that HE LIVES -- and now CJ is in a perfect place, with a perfect body.  Dwight talked to us about the day CJ was born, the nurse brought the baby to him and placed him in his arms, even before Jori knew Dwight could see CJ had down sydrome, but as clear as day he heard a voice tell him, "CJ is here for a purpose, protect and watch out for him until the day HE returns to his father in Heaven" he said those words helped him to process what was going to be a life of watching a young boy grow up with challenges
Jori and Dwight raised CJ as if he were just like any typical child, CJ didn't know he had down syndrome.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Jori told me they were at the Cultural Celebration watching Ben practice, when a girl with down syndrome came up to CJ and said Hi, but CJ snubbed her--Jori said she had to have a talk with him about "being nice to the down syndrome kids" CJ didn't like the idea of being nice to a girl, not to mention  one with down syndrome.  I got a kick out of that story, and told Jori she has done such a great job of raising him to be tolerant of everyone.  He knew nothing but compassion and love for everyone he came in contact with. 
My heart aches for them, tonight they will not sleep, right now it's busy, people bringing food, helping fill the void, but when they all leave and the smoke settles I worry about Jori.  CJ was her life, she could not have a conversation without bringing up CJ--she was so proud of him, she loved her time with him, she has become very involved in the scouting world, helping CJ and Ben to achieve their merit badges, and Ben his eagle.
I have never lost a child I can't imagine how I would feel, I know my parents were devastated when Lance died, it was as though he took a piece of their heart with him.  I'm sure Jori will have huge holes in her heart while she processes this trial she is forced to face.  I have heard it said that if all the people we know were brought into a room together to compare trials, most of us would take what we have and be grateful.  Today, as I sat and watched this family mourn the loss of CJ, I felt as if my problems or pains were easy.  The loss of a child is one trial I know the Lord knows I could not handle.  I have so much respect and love for those who have to experience the death of a child, and are able to move forward in faith,  knowing they will again see that child after death.   I'm glad I was able to be a part of the Udall family today, I learned so much from just watching and listening with my heart.  When I try to sleep tonight I will pray for Jori and Dwight, Josh and Ben give them strength and endurance while they try to make sense of a horrible day. I also rejoice that CJ is now with a perfect body, and a perfect mind as he continues on his next chapter and journey.

What a day....

Friday March 6th, 2014

I woke up with blood coming out of my baha implant.  Knowing I have an appointment this morning with Dr. Barr's I got myself ready to go.  The phone rang, it was Mayo Clinic telling me Dr. Barr's was not going to be in the office today he was sick.  I advised them of my bleeding situation,  I'm not sure they knew what to say, she hung up and within a few minutes called back and told me I would be seeing the PA or resident today--I got a little crabby and said "no I will not, I will see an attending or I will not be coming at all"  These issues with my ear are getting on my nerves, I want so badly to get past this.  I made my way to Mayo, when I arrived they quickly took me back to an exam room, Dr. Barr's walked in, and I was surprised to see him, I asked if he was sick because I do not want to be examined unless he has a mask on--He told me he was in a 3rd world country recently doing some pro-bono surgeries and thinks he may have picked something up but not to worry there was only a 50/50 chance I would catch it.
He first took a look at the screw in the back of my head, turning my face towards the TV I could see everything on the big screen--he began to scrape with a scalpel the skin around my baha, watching it was disgusting--I had to close my eyes, for some reason if I don't watch what he is doing it hurts less.
He then looked in my ear, and to my surprise it looked sickly, it doesn't feel like it looks, what is going on? He tried to stick his vacuum down the ear canal and suck out what he could, but he didn't get too far.  He went and got his nurse Kathleen, she took a look and they both agreed, I will be having more surgery--the ear canal is virtually closed so tight he cannot see into the ear drum, but knows it is not healing properly.  The baha is not connecting with the bone like it should, so with both of those problems more surgery is necessary--They both stepped out of the room, and as I stared at the carpet I couldn't help but cry--I just sat there and cried--feeling vulnerable and alone I cried, then quickly wiped those tears away as I heard them coming back in.  I put a smile on my face, bit my tongue and listened partially to what they were telling me, but not wanting to hear what they were telling me--I let my mind wonder off to a better place so that I could process this--then Dr. Barr's said "OK, so you understand right?" "Um, yeah I think so, I come back next week right?" "yes, scheduling will call you"
I left there thinking, "I cannot take one more surgery, I don't want more surgery, seriously? how do I go home and tell my family, my friends and co-workers. how much more of my ear can he take off? what is it going to do if I don't have the surgery and get a 2nd opinion"  So many thoughts running through my head--I feel a migraine coming on--and I have not had one since my surgery, I just told Marian Priday, maybe my migraines,  slurred speech,  and right side numbness had something to do with my ear.  Little did I know my day was about to get even worse, before it got better.
With my mind on this  I drove down Scottsdale road towards a Hotel to meet up with Dr, Northfelt,  my oncologist.  Earlier in the week he called me and asked me for a favor, he is giving a lecture today for 300 general family physicians, about side effects from chemo and radiation.  He asked me to speak about side effects I have personally had.  When I drove up to the entrance of the Hotel he was standing there waiting for me.  I tried to compose myself before getting out of the car, I need to focus on what I'm here for....actually what am I here for?

Love my Doctors-

 Dr. Northfelt hugged me and into a room filled with physicians we went, they introduced him, and he introduced me.  As he began to tell the over filled room of doctors about my diagnosis, I was not prepared to hear what he was saying.  I had an out of body moment as I listened to him announce my stage 3 diagnosis, I could feel an anxiety attack coming on, I could hear my heart beating and hoping no one else could hear it through my microphone.  I was listening to him talk about me, about my life, my breasts, my everything, well at least everything medical that has happened over the last 4 years.  I felt like I was in a tunnel, every word of what he said penetrated deeper into my mind, oh my goodness this happened to me?  It's difficult for me to express the rawness I felt hearing him speak, it was like I wasn't in the room.  I watched as physicians were quickly writing down notes, I thought to myself "what the heck are they writing? do they not understand, do they not see me, am I just a number to them, or a statistic?" "do they not know I have a family? that when I leave here today my name is Monya, I have a husband named Eric, children with names, grandchildren, friends....I'm not a number I'm a person with real feelings"
Now it was my turn, Dr. Northfelt began asking me questions and I was to answer them openly and honestly to a room full of strangers. There were two of us, Linda and I.  Her diagnosis was stage 1, and every question Dr. Northfelt asked she and I had complete opposite answers.
We talked about neuropathy, bone pain, body image and sex.  Then it was question and answer time, as they collected the questions, now I knew what they were all writing.  One of the final questions I was asked was "how has your quality of life changed?" this is my answer to that question with a quiver on my lips and a tear in my eye.  "Pre diagnosis, I thought I was happy, I was living the dream, 4 children, blessed with a husband who worked hard so I could stay home with the children, I had a nice home, car, able to exercise everyday, I seriously thought I was happy. Now today as I sit here with all of you I can tell you without hesitation, money, cars, big homes do not bring happiness, through my journey I have learned who I am, how strong I am, who is important to me, what is important to me, and I can honestly say  I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life right now, I've learned that all of those distractions I thought were so important were mere objects detouring me from the real happiness, all that really matters to me is my family and my doctors, I love them more deeply and purely than I ever thought I could, life is a precious gift that so many take for granted,  Dr. Northfelt promised me he would be with me through every step of my journey, and I believe him" with that being said the lecture came to an end, everyone stood and clapped, that surprised me, is this normal, do they stand and clap at these things?  Several doctors came up to ask me questions, one of them walked up to me and asked me if I have ever tried any natural paths, my first reaction was, "who is this kid?" Seriously he looked like he was 16 years old, I'm assuming just out of school and starting his practice eager to learn.
I'm not sure I said anything  today to help anyone  in that room, however, it did help me listening to my diagnosis, notes from my surgeon and details that I never wanted to hear were exposed. opened up and shared, he can't take it back,  I heard it all.  This is exactly why when Dr. Northfelt asked me in the very beginning if I wanted to know statistics I said "NO" I didn't want to know not because I didn't care about other people, but I needed to focus on myself, what I could do to kill the villain in ME, I promised myself along time ago I would have no regrets, I would do exactly what I was told to do and I have, I feel good about that, I'm firm in my knowledge of what I needed to know, and what I didn't want to know--but now, now I know, now I've heard it, scary? Not really, just an uneasy feeling hearing it all.
Dr. Northfelt walked me out to my car, gave me a hug, I told him how much I love and appreciate all he has done for me.  He thanked me for helping his lecture not be so boring,  as I drove off I couldn't help but be emotional, a few tears streamed down my cheek and onto my shirt, I looked up and without any rain in sight, I saw a beautiful rainbow, a sweet tender mercy from the Lord, that moment gave me some peace and I smiled.  HE really does know what I need, and when I need it.  Little tender mercies are recognized, thank you for lifting me to a higher ground today.

Kaitlyn Rae

Friday March 6th, 2014

Happy Birthday to my cutie patootie Kaitlyn Rae.  This cute girl is married, works full time to help her husband get through school, and still manages to find time to visit her OLD MAMA and spend the day. I remember so vividly the day Dr. Lepetich did my ultrasound and announced to us as he pointed and said "you see that?, it's a boy" What a surprise it was to hear him say several months later, "oops, it's a actually a girl"  I didn't believe him, Eric and I had picked out a name for our new little boy, we had bedding made for a boy, and of course clothes for a boy.  Eric ran to Dillards and came back with some darling girl clothes, something special we could take her home from the hospital in.

We are so blessed to have Kaitlyn in our life.  She has brought so much joy to us, she has a personality bigger than life--she always has and always will.  People have always told me she looks so much like me, I can't deny that--she is a spitting image of me, sometimes it even freaks me out when I see a picture of her.  I think seeing her grow up to be the beautiful, strong woman she has become brings so much joy to my heart, it's been  like seeing my childhood all over again, only happy.  So many times I have watched her and been amazed at the similarity of how we think and feel.  She also has much of her dad in her too--she is a good combination of both of us.  I love you Kaitlyn, you have been a great daughter not only to us, but also to our Heavenly Father, he is pleased I'm sure with who you are.

Church Dedicates Gilbert Arizona Mormon Temple

I loved watching the Temple being erected over the last few years.  Many times I have driven by it, or parked my car as close as I could to the grounds and said a prayer.  Now as all the members of the LDS church humbly celebrate with great joy in our hearts, we will continue to pray for our hearts to be softened and our souls to be moved by the spirit as we try our best to become more like the Savior.

The dedication of this beautiful building has been a long,  but deserving wait.  There is definitely something special in the air--I am personally so beyond happy and touched by the youth in this area who worked so hard over the past few months to sing, dance and show never ending faith as they danced in the pouring rain, Arizona needed the rain.

I have been in many Temples throughout the world, and I know I am being bias but in my opinion this is the most beautiful Temple I have ever been in.  There is always opposition when Temples are built, I remember in 2008 when this Temple was announced, our Stake President told us to be prepared for trials to come into our lives as Satan tries to lead us astray, he said now more than ever we need our testimonies to be strong, we need to stay close to the Lord and continue to obey the commandments as we experience these trials.  I have never forgotten that talk, a year and 3 months later I was diagnosed with cancer, I feel like I could of easily given up on God and walked away.  However, because of that talk I was able to cling to my Savior and rely on Him to understand what I was feeling--going through that journey was the best thing that has ever happened to my spiritual growth. I'm in a good place in my life now, I have never felt the peace in my life like I do now.  Here's to 2014 being a great year.

"Oh Dear, Now What?

Wednesday February 19, 2014

I woke up this morning in a puddle of blood on my pillow, all over the side of my face, neck and ear.  How did I sleep through that?  I went to the Mayo to have it checked out, by the time I had gotten there I had to change out the bloody cotton balls 4 times, they were saturated.  It was not painful, just messy.

When I arrived at the Mayo I had to wait a bit in the waiting area because I did not have a scheduled appointment--I looked around at the people who were there today--no one I knew, but I watched a woman in a wheelchair, I was intrigued by her for some reason.  I could hear her and her partner talking about different things, but I was more interested in why both of her legs were amputated and one arm gone--I kept to myself, until her partner asked me if I would pass her a magazine.  I said "sure which one do you want?" we began a conversation, the three of us and I was able to ask about her medical issues.  She was in a horrible car accident, she was rushed to the hospital and when she woke up they were gone.  I asked her how that made her feel, and that it must of been hard to process.  Her answer was "at first I didn't know they were gone and I was just happy to be alive, but when I realized or was told about the loss of limbs I was very depressed, almost to the point of suicide" "understandably so" I said.  "How are you dealing with it now that it's been awhile and you have had to get out into the world and live again?"  She graciously said "I'm alive, that is a blessing in itself, but I had no idea how kind people could be, I normally just considered people to be judgemental and rude, and there are those who stare but for the most part people care"

I too, believe that inside every person is a caring heart.  It is a natural instinct for people to look at a person who is bald with cancer, especially a woman, or someone who has lost limbs, most of the time we just pass them by and forget to give them a smile or two.

MONYA WILLIAMS is announced over the loud speaker and off I went--saying good bye knowing I will probably not ever see this woman again, but wanting her to know she left an impression on my heart I will never forget--I started to leave then went back and told her what an impression she had made on me, and gave her my email address to keep in touch.  With tears in her eyes, she said thank you.

My ear still bleeding, but Doctor Barrs is in surgery and cannot see me, sent in his resident, the same one who saw me in the hospital and would not give me pain meds, the same one who over looked the huge softball size hematoma on my head--"Oh dear, now what?" was my thought.  Like always, went over my medication list, then started her vacuume sucking out of my ear.  My balance was off, for quite awhile--this is what she said to me "ummm, I can't see where the source of the bleeding is coming from, so I think you should see Dr. Barr's next week"  That is the extent of it for now--she stuck a cotton ball in my ear and off I went--"what a waste of my gas"  was my thought initially then I remembered the amputee I met....she is the reason I was supposed to come here today...I met a new friend and was able to spread some happiness, her with me and me with her.

This is my walk away from Mayo Clinic

Spread Happiness

Monday February 17, 2014

Today would of been my mother's birthday.  Every year on this day I think about her, I say an extra prayer hoping she will have a peaceful birthday.  I decided a couple of days ago that on this day in memory of her I would pay it forward, do something kind for someone and just spread happiness.

The alarm going off this morning startled me, mostly because it was 3:30 am, and I have not been up at this time of the morning since my medical leave 2 months ago, but also because I've been thinking about what I could do to share happiness today.

On my way to work it was a little chilly outside so I stopped at Starbucks to get a caramel apple cider, when I pulled up to the drive up window, the girl said in her perky 4 am voice "here's your caramel apple cider, oh and it's free for you" I asked why it was free, again perky as can be she says "oh, the person in the car in front of you wanted to pay for your drink" by this time I have a puzzled look on my face.... she said "you know, like pay it forward?" Wait, what? I wanted to spread happiness today, how, why did someone beat me to it? The natural thing would of been for me to pay for the people in the car behind me, but being so shocked at the mere kindness of a stranger I said thank you and drove off.  "Why didn't I pay for those people?" was my thought all the way to work, however it did make me smile and renew my faith in the world,  maybe all is not lost, there is some happiness to spread.

When I got to work there were 800+ people on hold because of all the winter storms in the East.  I heard grumblings of co-workers who were tired from working mandatory 12 hour overtime hours. I said to myself "no matter what happens on the phones today, I will not allow anyone to crush my dreams of a happy day."  Every phone call for the next 4 hours were people stranded, trying to get home, get to a meeting, make it to a wedding or funeral.  I tried my hardest to put myself in their shoes, despite their desperate cries for someone (USAirways) to take responsibility for the weather.

On my way home from work, I listened to happy music, joyful sounds of music bring back memories of my mom.  I'm trying really hard not to break out in tears, I so wish my mother had known me as a woman.  I'm smiling thinking of her finally happy now--why do so many people walk around mad, angry and resentful, it takes so much energy and requires so much wasted time.  Today I choose to be happy--

 I can't prove in any way that laughter really is the best medicine, but I have seen many examples of people in my life who have had great results in doing this regularly.  It's been a very long time since I've had a good belly laugh--I think it's about time for me to tap back into that.

I went to Paradise Bakery, bought 2 dozen cookies, went to a place where I know some people would be needing a lift today -- the chemo lab -- I would of loved a good cookie when I was sitting in that chair watching the red dragon drain into my body.  This brought much happiness for me today, I loved seeing a frown turn to a smile--

Today, I worked on not worrying about the past or the future, but just being in the moment, today I made strides towards  living free, living happy.

Happy Birthday mom.

Pull your britches up

Thursday February 13th, 2014

Today I spent some time at Mayo Clinic.  When I stepped off the elevator onto the 5th floor,  I looked up to see a sign with arrows directing you to the department you may need to visit. 5 East Check In, Neurology/Neurosurgery, Pain Clinic, PM and R/PT, Psychiatry/Psychology, Sleep Medicine.  I had to laugh when I  realized I have been to everyone of these departments within the past 4 years.  Today I am visiting the pain clinic.

My right hip and back are throbbing in pain,  it is descending down my thigh to my knee and then traveling to my feet and out my toes.  I'm hoping for some answers.  Today is the usual stuff going on at Mayo Clinic. A lot of people walking around with no hair, or oxygen tanks, people being pushed in wheel chairs.  Today I am extra sensitive for some reason, tears are bubbling up.   I can't stop thinking about cancer,  it has changed my life, changed the life of my loved ones.   It all hit me at once today, I cried.  I have been so blessed. I am a miracle.  I'm looking around at these people and wondering how I can help them to believe in something good?  I want to say "Go forward in faith, have HOPE,  remember where you came from and where you are going" Most of the people  look sad and dreary.  I watched a husband and wife sitting together in the waiting area holding hands. I stared at that sweet moment, more tears flowed down my cheeks.

Suddenly I heard my name being announced, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and shook myself out of the  self induced coma I was in. The assistant asked if I was OK, I smiled and said "Yes, just a little emotional today"  I'm sure she was uncomfortable as she lead me into the exam room, I couldn't stop the tears from falling.  She asked if I was in 'that much pain'  I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped my face. I told her "No, I'm OK" but in my head I'm thinking "really? really am I OK?" She left the room.

I've  always wondered why Mayo Clinic has a nurse come in ask what medicine you are taking.  I rattle them all off as she stares at the computer reading them as I say them....does anyone think that is weird? Then she looks at me and says "any other meds?"  she proceeds to  repeat what I just told her by reading it off my file. She leaves and the P.A. comes in,  he is tall, very handsome and very young, maybe in his late 20's.  Then he starts asking the same questions the nurse asked.  With his handy little pen he is writing notes, then just about as cute as he could be, he pulled out his own notes.   He did a routine check.... bend over touch your toes....(yeah right) lean back, walk forward, turn around....blah blah blah...... I asked if he was new, "Yes, but I know what I'm doing"  I wanted to say 'whoa there tiger I'm just wondering not accusing.' Dr. cutie pie seemed nervous,  he looked at me, smiled and said "They won't let me abbreviate anything here at Mayo"  I smiled and said "You mean like LOL?" This lightened up the room a little,  we both laughed.  He leaves the room and Doctor Freeman I comes in, again asking about the medicine. It's the 3rd time I've reported my medicine list.  I suppose being a teaching hospital I should expect this 'red carpet' treatment.  Nothing ever gets over looked.

When I was getting my injection, Dr. Freeman was gentle but this time it hurt more than I remember.
I've never cried while getting an injection, but today I did.  It didn't help any that I could see everything he was doing through the mirror in front of me.  I watched him take the long nasty needle and stick it in my hip, giving it a little push and shove this way and that way to make sure the entire area was covered--I was embarrassed when I cried.  Just when I thought it was over and the tears were gone, I had to turn over and get my lower back injected--I almost came off the table, now I'm really shaking in pain.  He asks the P.A. "Did you see how I did that?" REALLY? I'm right here I can hear you... he said "Pull your britches up, and we can get you into the recovery room"  for some reason something in my brain clicked and took me back to my youth....."Pull your britches up" My grandmother used to say when she wanted us to basically 'put on our big girl panties' and wipe the dirt off our knees, it's going to be OK.

Yes, it is going to be OK.  I'm going to be OK.  Tonight I just want to sleep, so much has been going on the last few nights I have not slept.  I need to call upon the heavens and ask once again if the angels can calm my hurting heart and help me find some peace, go to my quiet place and sleep.  I trust in His plan for me and for our family, but tonight I just need some reassurance that all is good in my little world, then I can sleep.

Monday February 17, 2014

Today would of been my mother's birthday.  Every year on this day I think about her, I say an extra prayer hoping she will have a peaceful birthday.  I decided a couple of days ago that on this day in memory of her I would pay it forward, do something kind for someone and just spread happiness.

The alarm going off this morning startled me, mostly because it was 3:30 a.m. and I have not been up at this time of the morning since my medical leave 2 months ago, but also because I've been thinking about what I could do to share happiness today.

On my way to work it was a little chilly outside so I stopped at Starbucks to get a caramel apple cider, when I pulled up to the drive up window, the girl said in her perky 4 a.m. voice "Here's your caramel apple cider, oh and it's free for you" I asked why it was free, again perky as could be she says "Oh, the person in the car in front of you wanted to pay for your drink" by this time I have a puzzled look on my face.... she said "You know, like pay it forward?" Wait, what? I wanted to spread happiness today, how, why did someone beat me to it? The natural thing would have been for me to pay for the people in the car behind me, but being so shocked at the mere kindness of a stranger I said thank you and drove off.  "Why didn't I pay for those people?" was my thought all the way to work, however it did make me smile and renew my faith in the world,  maybe all is not lost, there is some happiness to spread.

When I got to work there were 800+ people on hold because of all the winter storms in the East.  I heard grumblings of co-workers who were tired from working mandatory 12 hour overtime hours. I said to myself "No matter what happens on the phones today, I will not allow anyone to crush my dreams of a happy day."  Every phone call for the next 4 hours were people stranded, trying to get home, get to a meeting, make it to a wedding or funeral.  I tried my hardest to put myself in their shoes, despite their desperate cries for someone (USAirways) to take responsibility for the weather.

On my way home from work, I listened to happy music, joyful sounds of music bring back memories of my mom.  I tried really hard not to break out in tears.  I so wish my mother had known me as a woman.  I'm smiling thinking of her finally happy now--why do so many people walk around mad, angry and resentful?  Living this way takes so much energy,  requires so much wasted time.  Today I choose to be happy--

I can't prove in any way that laughter really is the best medicine, but I have seen many examples of people in my life who have had great results in doing this regularly.  It's been a very long time since I've had a good belly laugh--I think it's about time for me to tap back into that.

I went to Paradise Bakery, bought 2 dozen cookies, went to a place where I know some people would be needing a lift today -- the chemo lab at Mayo Clinic -- I would have loved a good cookie when I was sitting in that chair watching the red dragon drain into my body.  This brought much happiness for me, I loved seeing some frowns turn to smiles--

Today, I worked on not worrying about the past or the future, but just being in the moment, today I made strides towards  living free, living happy.

Happy Birthday mom.

Hope for the Hopeless

Sunday Feb. 9th, 2014

 We've all heard the phrase "wish upon a star"  while this is a fun and entertaining, forget about it.  If you really want to have all your dreams come true, you need to hold on to HOPE.

HOPE matters, HOPE is a choice.  HOPE can be learned, and HOPE can be shared with other people.
Every time I need to be at Mayo Hospital, I take time to talk to those who are suffering with cancer.  I've been trying to spread HOPE for those who do not understand what it means to have HOPE. they feel hopeless and lonely.

When I meet these people, it breaks my heart to hear them say "I have no future, I have so much I wanted to do in life"  I usually tell them how we think about our future--how we hope--determines how well we live our lives.  Many times when I have been in the desperation of needing some type of HOPE I will kneel and pray for guidance and comfort.  I have found that hope is not just being optimistic.  Optimism is really just an attitude.  Hope on the other hand, is belief plus action. You're hopeful, if you believe in your future and if you believe that future is going to be better than the present, and that you have the power to make it happen.

There have been many times when I have had to force my brain to actually see myself healed and happy.  This takes great power of the mind, but can be learned.  Hopes are sustainable, wishes are not.

Does Hope lead to happiness?  Not by itself, but it is hard to be happy without it.  One of the ways I have decided to hold on to that Hope is to surround myself with people who are positive about life, who take "hard to do" things and actually accomplish the unthinkable.  

Winston Churchill said: "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give"

Gilbert Temple Views

The Temple used the Agave plant to decorate

These words are on every Temple

Love this view of Moroni

I love these beautiful flowers

Palm Trees of AZ

Sunsets in AZ

Beautiful skies of AZ

The Blue Stained Windows are beautiful

Arizona has such beautiful night views

Gathering area outside the Temple

Beautiful skyview

Easy steps to the front doors

I also love the rolling fountains