I ♥ Distractions

Recker gave me a great distraction on the day before my surgery....he found a bag of flour and decided to rip into it..I ♥ this!!!

More Warm Fuzzies

Another "warm fuzzy" thank you to whoever dropped this off, I have been wearing it everyday.


Another "warm fuzzy" landed on my front doorstep yesterday. THANK YOU ♥ THANK YOU. I wish I could give you a big hug, the flowers made my day, night and next day.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman is My Favorite Doctor ..... EVER

I visited with Dr. Peter Kreymerman yesterday. I always look forward to seeing him, Tamy thinks I have a crush on him... WHAT? Excuse me.... but I am a married woman and he is also a very happily married man.... ha ha ha
He is my favorite doctor EVER.... why you say? Well there are too many reasons to list but just a few

1. he is kind, and compassionate
2. he makes me laugh
3. I try to make him laugh
4. he is so excited to become a dad (next month)
5. he;s been with me from the beginning of my journey
6. he listens to me and shows concern for my feelings
7. I love that he's ok with letting me call him the "nipple repairman"

I remember when I was getting my expanders filled Dr. Kreymerman brought such pain to my breasts, I wanted to kick him, to this day my breasts ache everyday, but I don't want to kick him anymore, I want to kick the VILLAIN in the behind end. When he knew the expanders were going to hurt he showed compassion and genuine concern for me. I know he makes everyone of his patients feel that way, he was meant to be a doctor. Ok enough, about my LOVE for Dr. Peter Kreymerman. I am having reconstruction surgery with him on Tuesday October 12th.

I gave him the onsies, blanket and burp rags I made on one of the nights I had insomnia. He said "wait, you made all these?" I said "yeah, you're not the only one who can stitch beautiful things with your hands" ha ha ha not sure if he caught that or not.
I asked him if he knew what the burp rags were, he said "Um... is it a puke thing for a baby?" seriously ??? he may be a doctor but he is still a man..... Eric and I have had 4 children together and a grandson, and I'm not sure if he would know what those were either. I wish I had pictures, I had my camera, but I didn't want to take a picture with him while I was in my robe and I could tell he was busy, Heather (his PA) is in Maui so he's on his own. He said "let's get a picture of you when you're in recovery" funny, real funny.

Ginger Molasses Cookies

I did not mention buy one get one free, and I did not share with anyone hee hee♡ it will take me a few days to eat 2 though

Pink breast cancer ribbon, sugar cookies .....

I love this month, October in Arizona always is the start of our cooler weather, pumpkin patches, hunting for the perfect costume, holiday decorations and baking....oh how I love to bake. Jessica Roussel bought me this cute breast cancer cookie cutter, so it would be rude not to use it right? I made my famous sugar cookies.. ask my kids and all their friends...these cookies are famous at our house, they love, love love when I make them, and from the mouth of my daughter "i've waited a long time for you to make these" from the words of her friends "come to mama" not really it just sounds good.... ha ha

I will see Dr. Kreymerman this morning for my pre-op appointment you all know I love Dr. PK and he has been such a huge part of my life this past year, so today is the day I take him some breast cancer sugar cookies, and the baby gifts I made for him and his wife and new baby coming in November. More about that later....

I want you to know I showed great resistance and did not eat one sugar cookie, I didn't even taste the dough or lick my fingers when the frosting took over..... I know, how impressive right???? Well not really, another reason why I love the month of October is that Paradise Bakery always has their seasonal ginger molasses cookies, I have been waiting, and waiting and yesterday I indulged. If you've never had one, don't start because you will not be able to put them down, well maybe you could start out slow, maybe try a chipper. My son will be asking me to send him these any week now, they are his favorite and I am not sure how many I sent him last year ... I will say that the people at Paradise Bakery would say everytime I walked in "hello Monya, how many ginger molasses cookies would you like today?" Oh my, that is bad.....really, really bad.

The Bottom Line Is...Time Heals

Someone asked me a couple of days ago, "when are you going to get over this cancer thing and move on...?" They went on to tell me that they were tired of looking at my blog and reading about the VILLAIN and the effects it has had on me... also that they have known other women who have gone through the same thing I have and they are doing fine....blah blah blah....I instantly tuned out once I heard this person say that... I felt as if they were acting like I had the flu or a winter cold.
I am not sure how to react to this... sooooo this is what I did.... I called Tamy and cried like a baby. After seriously thinking about the words of this person and taking the advice of my dear eternal sister Tamy, I decided to answer a couple of those questions now since I was so dumb-founded at the time I didn't know how to respond.....

✔ when I am I going to get over this? ........ probably never, and to be quite honest I hope I never forget what I've learned and continue to learn. I am moving on, I have no choice ....my life goes on, however... this IS MY LIFE, and I think about it all the time. I will not apologize for that, it is what it is. I wish I had a BLOG to write on when My brother died, it would of helped me heal a lot faster, I love my BLOG, it's real and again it's part of my life right now.

✔ so, you know someone who has had BC and is living and thriving in their life? ....... I am so happy for them, this is my dream too but for now I am living with a lot of pain, and I choose to BLOG about it so I can never forget and so that my family can understand and have a record of my REAL LIFE. One thing I have learned is that you can never compare your VILLAIN journey with someone else who has gone through it, everyone's journey is different. Depending on the stage of BC the experience could and probably will be completely different. Example: I know people who have had stage 4 cancer and have come out of it with no side effects and are living and thriving, and then I have also met women this past year who have died with stage 2 BC. I only know what my body tells me, and what my doctors tell me, these things are REAL and cannot be denied. The reality in my life RIGHT NOW is that I will probably never run that marathon I have always dreamed of, I will live with pain for many years to come, but I am also very grateful to be alive.

The bottom line is, time heals, I know it does and I look forward to it. Believe me when I say I don't want this VILLAIN to be a part of my life, I wish I could wake up and have it be a bad nightmare, I wish I was the woman who didn't get every side effect possible, I wish my oncologist would look me in the eye and say "its over, your cancer free" I can wish, wish, wish all I want the truth is THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM HUMAN, I have feelings and I record them, if you don't want to hear it don't tune in.

I will continue to rely on the Lord for my strength, and I also realize that NO-ONE else but HIM can understand the fear, the pain or the anxiety I feel.

I ♥ the Rain

I have things to be grateful for today..... the weather I ♥ it. I was lying on the sofa this afternoon with my favorite little guy, just watching him sleep makes me so happy.... he truly is the best therapy I have ever had..... ok back to the weather... the thunder woke him up and he sat straight up with the cutest look on his face like "what the....heck was that?" I picked him up opened up the back door and together we watched the rain fall hard in my backyard. Watching the look on his face was priceless, I wish I would of had a camera available, I will always have that memory in my head. Recker is such a happy baby and finds such joy in little things... like rain, thunder and lightening, I will take that moment with me to the hospital next week, and I always have Paris.

Tonight as I was emailing Blake, it started to hail hard, Eric ran down the stairs like a little boy on Christmas morning. He opened up the back door and I got to enjoy his delight as he watched the hail fill up our backyard.He started throwing the Hail at me, He was so happy, just like Recker was today, I think there is something for me to learn here.... maybe just be happy for the little things in life, and for me in Gilbert Arizona when the 1st rain comes in and cools it off .....well for me it is the beginning of long sleeves, boots, and good weather for months to come. Thanks for the reminder, love and enjoy even the simplest things in life.

Cruisin' with the Family

Ok I have been lazy on the blogging, well actually I have been on a cruise with my family.... and when I say family I mean everyone, Kayla, Jeremy, Recker ♥, Kaitlyn, Brian, Haleigh, Eric and I. Everyone except for Blake, and I missed having him with us. I look forward to the day when he comes home and can be with us on these trips, it's just not the same, I felt like I had forgotten something. Eric planned this trip along time ago and I felt guilty knowing we would not have Blake with us, while we were in the Caribbean I thought about him so much knowing how close we were to him. I did get to email him last Tuesday, the internet service was not the best so being without a computer and keeping in contact with the world was weird, but honestly I didn't miss it much.

Just an update ..... I am not physically able to do the things I could do even a month ago. I told Eric I am so grateful we were able to go on the trip to Paris when we did, if it were any other time either before or after the time that we did I would not have been physically able to endure the long days we had. Cruises are relaxing, but I really wanted to do the things I would of normally enjoyed doing, hiking, snorkeling, running on the track or exercising on the ship, my hips hurt so badly some days I can hardly walk, and now going up and down my stairs at my house is becoming a painful chore. I really don't want to take pain medicine, I have tried to endure the pain without it but I think its time to talk to my oncologist. I have tried some natural approaches but nothing is working. I loved the time that I could spend with my family, but I don't think they really understand I am not physically able to be the mom they used to know. It's hard to even admit, in my mind I am still the Monya that loves to do everything FULL OUT to take my body to the maximum and not look back, but again that's the Monya in my head, it's not realistic and I'm sad about that. I told myself I would not give in to this VILLAIN and I feel like I've done really well so far, it's the VILLAINS evil stepsisters (the side effects) that are taking me down now and I am feeling a little defeated. When I think about all the things I still want to do in this life I know I will have to rely fully on the Lord more now than ever before. I feel so alone sometimes, when I am faltering I turn to HIM I can feel HIS strength and Love for me, I am turning to him now and hoping he will still listen and take me by the hand and help me up... again. One week from tomorrow I will be having surgery and I have so much anxiety about it, I need and injection of FAITH this week. I wonder if I will ever be on my feet again?

Warm Fuzzies

Last year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer it didn't take long for the word to spread. We were inundated with cards, letters, flowers and gifts from neighbors, family and friends. I tried so hard to keep up with thank you cards but realized before too long that there was no way I would be able to thank everyone. It's been almost a year since my mastectomy, it was the week before General Conference which is always the 1st weekend in October. The surgeon came in my room 2 days after my surgery and told me that the VILLAIN had spread and that I would need another surgery, I remember looking at Eric with tears in both of our eyes I asked if it would be ok if I went home for the weekend and came back, she agreed that it would be good for me to go home for a few days. That weekend I watched every session of Conference from my bed in my bedroom. One of the talks that touched me and also was an answer to prayers was a talk given by Thomas S. Monson, he showed a picture of a jar much like the one I have here on my blog, he explained about a Primary President who had sent this to him, the jar was filled with warm fuzzies. The warm fuzzies were collected by the Primary children in her ward, every week when they came to primary if they had done a service for someone they were allowed to put a warm fuzzy in the jar. After one year the jar was full. I loved that idea so much, I decided to start putting a warm fuzzy in my own jar everytime someone did a service for our family. I didn't tell anyone about it, I just did it, now here it is a year later and my jar is full, in more ways than one. We have been blessed with friends, neighbors and family members who have served us, to all of you I say "Thank You" I keep this jar on my dresser in my bedroom where I can see it everyday and never forget. We have some really good doorbell ditchers in our neighborhood, so many times we would open the door to see a jar of salsa and chips, or some type of treat but no one to claim the service... I could see children running down the street hoping not to get caught... parents are teaching their children to serve others without recognition, I love it.
This jar of warm fuzzies represent all of the people who have given un-selfishly this past year as they have served our family, our family loves you and will never forget, we feel your love.

He's been out ONE year ♥

I love hearing from my missionary son, he entered the MTC one year ago today. So that means he will be home in one year yay !!!
Oh how I miss his smiling face and cute sense of humor, he always has a good attitude and never talks badly about other people I love those qualities in him. He is serving in Santiago now, he loves the area and the people. I can see how the Lord is refining him and molding him into an amazing missionary. I am overwhelmed with emotions when I think about how much he, as well as our family has been blessed in the past year. This experience he is having will help him be a better husband and father some day. I love the spirit I feel when I read his emails, he loves the people he is serving and I wonder how hard it will be for him to leave them when the time comes.

Recker ♥'s BONBON

So my house is a mess, the floors need to be vacumed and cleaned, the kitchen is .... actually not too bad the family room has toys everywhere, clothes are in the washing machine and dryer, my bedroom .... let's just say the bed is not made and my bathroom needs some serious cleaning, however........ I get to spend all day with Recker he demands my every minute and I love it. I think I have finally learned how to put everything aside and enjoy the moments I know I will never get back, the kitchen will always be there, but I may not, so I want to enjoy every second I have with this little guy. Today he had his first PLUOT (PLUM) and this is what it looked like..... what a mess, then he had a fun bath, splashing water everywhere and laughing the whole time.