Then the Guilt took over ....

Ok, so today I got productive and made like a million Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies, click here and scroll down for the recipe. I got all the ingredients from Walmart got them all out and ready while Recker was taking a nap this morning, when I pulled out the oil it smelled rancid..... wow that was disgusting. I have not baked anything for so long the oil went bad, and I had to run to Walmart again and get oil, it's a little frustrating to have everything you need but one ingredient. I told Eric (who was laying with Recker... so cute) that I needed to go get oil then he said to me "are you going to eat any of these cookies?" of course I said "no" he quickly replied "then why bother making them?" I thought about that question while I was running through Walmart, I think I want to bake something for my family, just because I am not eating sugar and flour does not mean they need to go without. RIGHT? besides I love to bake and I feel like it's that time of year, I missed out on it last year. They smelled so good baking in the oven, I could not resist ..... I did eat one and it tasted so good to me, then the guilt took over and I was done. I have this love/hate relationship with the NO SUGAR NO FLOUR thing. I love that my body feels clean and renewed, I hate that I love the delicious combinations you can create with sugar and flour, I am such a baked goods girl.
It wore me out making all those cookies, my body is not what it used to be and I wonder if it ever will be again.

Oh yeah, and some people have asked about my recipes ..... when you open my blog if you click on the button that says cookbook it will take you to my recipes, I now have almost 1,000 recipes on there. I love that my girls can get a recipe whenever they need one, it's been so fun.

Hip Pain

This week my hips are really in pain, it hurts to walk up and down the stairs at my house. I don't like taking the pain medicine because it makes me feel like I am giving in to it.
Also this week I have been receiving emails from the American Cancer Society, the last email that came asked me if I was ready to purchase a wig, or look at their catalogue for hats and beanies..... WHAT? Been there done that, there should be some kind of filter that lets A.C.S know we are done with chemo and moving on with our lives. I am having a bit of a bad attitude this past week, can you tell? I really don't mind getting the emails, but when I opened the TLC catalogue it brought back a wave of emotions and memories, Tamy and I looked at that catalogue a year ago and I considered purchasing some hats from them, but decided against it. Then when I did decide to purchase one I got a prescription from my oncologist and bought one at a store close to the Mayo Clinic. BTW I never wore it, never, not even once, I think my kids and all their friends have more fun wearing that wig, even Recker wore it one day.

Happy Birthday Blake

Today is Blakes Birthday .... huge shout out to him ......woo hoo

Dear Elder Williams
I love you son, happy happy Birthday you are 22 today, so hard to believe. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday, dad was so excited to finally have a boy and I was overjoyed to hold you in my arms. You weighed 9 lbs 8 oz. and 21 inches long. Thank you for so many memories over the years, dad and I love you more than words can say. You are on your mission now and will probably not read this until you get home, or later in your life, but today I want you to know I love being your mom, and I am so proud of the man you are becoming. I pray everyday that you will be blessed and watched over, that the Lord will comfort you in times you need it and push you on the days you think you can't go anymore. We are truly blessed to have you in our family. xoxo Mom

Dog Bite in the DR

This week I got these pictures from my cute missionary son and also an email telling me he had been bit by a dog. As a result of the bite he has been extremely sick. Sometimes I think it's better for mom's to not know everything, we just sit and worry too much. I know the Lord can take better care of him than I can, so today I just turn it over to HIM. Oh and by the way, it was not the dog in these pictures that bit him, it was a Rotweller.

DANG VILLAIN

Today I was diagnosed by my oncologist with the 1st stages of Osteoporosis, and arthritis in my lower back. WOW I did not see that one coming, I should have, it seems that everything they have told me I "might" get I have gotten. I really don't know whether to scream or cry...... well actually I did allow myself to cry a little tonight on my way to work, and it felt good. Eric is out of town so I don't have anyone to cry with....ha ha ok enough of the pity party, I'm good now its been a few hours and I can breathe.

I was excited to see the doctor today because I wanted to see if the labs would show how hard I have been working on not eating sugar, flour or processed foods ... surprise is he didn't say one thing about that except that "oh you've lost some weight" I thought "seriously? .... thats it? thats all he has to say about that? who cares about my weight what about the fact that I have been in deprivation of sugar for 4 months?" (except for that little trip to Paris .... I didn't tell him about that)

I knew right away that things were not going good when he said "soooooooo, young lady, really, how have you been feeling?" it really wasn't WHATT he said but more of HOW he said it that made me feel like some bad news was coming down the pike. I told him the usual stuff, my lower back hurts sometimes, that my legs and hips hurt all the time, making it difficult to exercise and that my fingers go numb once in a while, also my lymphodema acts up and my arm swells up especially now that I am on the computer at work for long periods of time, and let's not forget about MR. HOTFLSASH he and I have become well acquainted "well..." he said in his low doctor voice "we need to go over your labs" there it is ....here it comes ..... the bad news is on the tip of his tongue I just know its coming,,,,,, finally it did ...showing me the x-rays which by the way are now so clear its like a real picture of my spine, back and bones. he begins to explain the pain in my hips and legs are in part because of the neuropathy I got during chemo, but we have a new problem Osteoporosis caused from the Arimidex I'm taking, something I was told today I will be on indefinitely for the rest of my life. The Arthritis in my lower back was caused from the Chemo Treatments I received. DANG DANG DANG VILLAIN I seriously don't like you!!!!

He continued by telling me how sorry he is to have to tell me this because he knows I am working so hard to do everything possible to not have recurrance and being such a good patient. He told me about a patient he just met with who is diabetic and has cancer but who refuses to know her insulin counts, he said I will probably be stuck with this patient for 30 years continuing to tell her what to do to save her life and she won't take one suggestion, then I have you who does more than what I tell you do and you are faced with another hurdle. I wanted to say "you're right, so what do we do about it?" but I didn't I just stared at him with some stupid look on my face.... he was sitting right in front of me and I was seriously tempted to kick him.... hard.

Just once I want to go to MAYO and get some good news ..... it will come right? I can't tell if the VILLAIN is winning or if I am winning anymore. The Arimidex blocks estrogen and is exactly what stage 3 CANCER patients take to HELP them survive the VILLAIN, but on the flip side of that I guess patients have to live with the sometime consequences. DANG IT, I hope this does not keep me from being able to do everything on my bucket list...doctor said within 10 years I will be IN FULL BLOOM OSTEOPOROSIS ..... I so want to serve a mission with Eric, I want to run a marathon how can I do these things if I am crippled? It just testifies to me more that I need to get everything done in my life that I want to do as fast as I can so I can enjoy it. I'm still planning on training for that marathon next year. Blessings will come, I just have to remember, if not in this life they will come in the next as long as I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Love This

I found this quote while I was reading today and Loved it

.....some blessings come soon,
some come late and some
don't come until HEAVEN;
but for those who embrace
the Gospel of Jesus Christ
they will come.
- Jeffrey R Holland

Mayo Madness

This morning I needed to be at Mayo Clinic by 7am. When I arrived the underground parking lot was empty, no-one was playing the piano, there was no greater to say "welcome to Mayo", no-one else riding in the elevator, even the gift shop was not open yet, today the halls of Mayo were empty and and unusually quiet.
I love the cute lady that checked me in she is from Russia and she always checks me in, she remembers me because my name is Russian and is quite popular, every time I see her she always says "good morning Monya" today she even told me my hair looked so cute. After I checked in and got registered for my procedures I sat down in the chemo lab waiting area, I listened as a man talked to his wife sitting right in front of me (he was pretty loud) he was talking to her about FAITH. He commented about how he is not buying the whole "faith as a mustard seed" and if we have faith you will be healed, he was telling her "we have shown our faith, we have prayed day and night with a pure heart asking the Lord to help us, we read from the Bible everyday, but yet here we sit at the Mayo Clinic getting ready for you to go in to chemo treatment and you are dying" ... he continued to say "Jesus Christ had faith and he still died, his daddy could of saved him but he didn't he let him die" (the man was of African American heritage and I loved his southern baptist way of talking) at this point I was thinking "is this man trying to give a pep talk to his wife? because it's not quite coming out that way" then he turned to her and gave her a hug and said the sweetest things it made me tear up... "I just love you so much and I hate to see you going through this, I'm frustrated because we have done all that we have been told to do not only by the doctors but by the good Lord, and I feel as if we are not getting any answers here" .... WOW, I could not believe what I was hearing of all days for me to come to Mayo, I chose today when it's all quiet except for this one man who could be heard from across the room. I needed to hear what he was saying, I need to be tested and reminded about FAITH and about the fact that the Lord could take all this away if he wanted to, he could of taken away the pain of his only son and spared him his life, but he didn't because he had a plan for him, just like he has a plan for all of us, it sure does not make it easier to accept life's bumps and bruises but when I really think about what plan HE has for me I realize how special I am in his eyes. I love that the Lord put this man in my path today, I needed to hear what he was saying.

3 women come in and are sitting in the waiting room, all bald, all receiving chemo treatment today, and all looking really ill, a sudden attack comes over me, seeing where they are right now in their treatments, the reality of what I have been through flooded my brain like a Tsunami , how did I do that? They look so sick, did I look that sick? I remember how I felt, oh my goodness I just want to get out of here--seeing all this brings back some horrible memories right now, I can't breath, my chest feels like a weight is on top of it, I stand up and begin to pace, I know people are looking at me, I can here them say "is she OK?' I can hear them but I just want them to go away, I wish Tamy was here. Suddenly when they called my name I'm able to snap out of it long enough to walk over to the nurse she introduced herself and I am usually pretty good about remembering their names but not today, I just want to get this over with. We walked into the chemo lab and I was still a little dazed but able to fake my way through it...when she accessed my port I had to ask her to put on a face mask she forgot to do it, this made her have to start all over with the sterilization process, but I remember Tamy telling me to never let anyone access your port without a mask and gloves on, and honestly I have never had to tell a nurse at Mayo this was the 1st time. Finally when she did get the port accessed it was really painful this time, when she flushes it an immediate medicinal taste hits my taste buds and my face quinced. She asked if I was ok, I said yeah I just never get used to that taste, She took 6 vales of blood put a band aid over my port and scooted me out to my next appointment. Good thing, I hate the smell of the chemo suites, too many reminders.

My next appointment is not for 1 1/2 hours so I decided to go visit my favorite people in radiology/oncology, none of them were at work yet, they don't start until after 8 am that was a disappointment I really wanted to see some cute cheerful faces to help me get through the rest of the tests I have today. Oh, Well back to the concourse level to check in and wait.
At least this floor is not ALL VILLAIN patients, some of them have heart problems and other sicknesses, its hard to tell, at least with VILLAIN patients I can tell by the "no hair" and the fact that I can look in their eyes and know what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Whenever I enter the Mayo Building all of my senses are activated.

I SEE everyone and everything around me so clearly now, not foggy like it was a year ago
I HEAR the sounds of loving husbands and wives giving support and encouragement where it is needed
I TASTE the chemicals, the ones that are supposed to help me.
I SMELL the sickness in the air, and want to go throw up.

I sit back close my eyes and try to go to Paris, riding on a bike in the mountains, yes finally I'm at my happy place with my happy husband frenchie and we are smiling, and picking wild berries ..... then suddenly I hear "MONYA WILLIAMS" over the loud speaker, it's my turn for my bone test. I had to get dressed in the Lovely Hospital Attire for this one, after the bone density test, I also had the bone mineral test done, back to chemo lab to access the port again.....This has truly been an emotionally draining day, I can hardly stay awake as I blog but I wanted to get it all blogged so I would remember it.
I return to see Dr Northfelt next Tuesday, I am crossing my fingers that not eating sugar, flour or processed foods for 3 months has paid off. The labs will tell ..... I just want Dr Northfelt to walk in the room and say "you are cancer free, or at least say I'm in remission" I don't think based on our last conversation that, that is going to happen any time soon, but a girl can dream right? I always have that .....dreaming, hoping and praying

I L♥VE my Life

I was kinda forced to go back to work. The day after we arrived home from Paris, I went back to work at US AIRWAYS. I am exhausted from the mental stimulation. The 1st day back I had a panic attack on my way to the office, I had to pull over and breath, oh how I wished Tamy would of been with me she always knows how to help. I had to quickly go to my "happy place" remember bicycling with Frenchie in the hills of France, it made me smile and got me through the night. I definitely have CHEMO BRAIN, which I have been told is very common with patients, I have lost a lot of short term memory and eyesight. Trying to remember all that I have been trained to do over and over again for the past 6 years is not coming easy for me. Luckily US AIRWAYS is kind enough to put me through some training before getting me back on the phones with people. I worry about only working for a few weeks before I will take another medical leave when I have surgery, but I have been reassured by US AIRWAYS that they will train me again if needed when I return.
One of the things I have noticed about being back in the WORLD is how negative people can be, I don't think they even realize it. I am so grateful for my job, never before would I have said that. I have a different perspective now. When I think about where my life was a year ago and that I am alive and can go to work, it makes me happy. I get to be with Recker all day then go for a few hours to work at night a couple days a week. I love my life !!!

Recker and Eric

These are the men in my life that make me smile......

Back to Reality

WOW, how do people recover from such romantic, exotic vacations? For me the flight home was bitter sweet, I loved the time that Frenchie and I spent together in France, it was like a dream that I didn't want to wake up from, not just because it was a life long dream of mine to go to Paris with Eric and that he planned all of it on his own .... who does that? but also because life in Gilbert is not life in Paris... I didn't think of the VILLAIN or its consequences, I didn't constantly have to think of what I am eating and if I was feeding the VILLAIN with sugar, flour or anything that touched my lips. It was so nice for 10 days to fully enjoy, let myself go, to re-kindle those feelings of young love and the romantic notions of life in a different place, with no worries at all.
Just as our plane was descending into Phoenix I looked out the window and heard the pilot say "Welcome to Phoenix" tears ran down my face, I could not control the emotions, how do I return from such a Heavenly experience to "my life, for real?" suddenly the thoughts of Mayo Clinic, Doctor's appointments and medications flooded my brain.
Now that I have had a few days home, I realize just what an amazing opportunity my husband gave to me, what a blessing it was for me to let go, I had forgotten what it was like to be care-free and completely 100% in the moment.
The truth is, we all have to face hard times in our lives but once in awhile its nice to check out.