Dump It

 I've been able to keep my mind pre-occupied the past couple of weeks.  Instead of worrying about the surgery I have coming up tomorrow, I've earned an Ipad-and a Lexus car bonus.  Pretty cool huh?  Yeah, it's cool but the best part of it is not the Ipad or the Lexus; it's the confidence and self worth I've developed.  

I've been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us a go through times in life when it seems that we are out of options and don't know which way to turn. I try to remember, anytime I don't see a way out, that God will make a  clear and precise way through it. I try to find confidence in Him, over and over again remembering He has made promises.  I've accepted the fact he is not going to take it away, so there really is no way out; but merely a way through.

I've been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope, but by having faith in Him found out differently.
 In Genesis, there was a time when the children of Israel were led by Moses out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn't get very far before they were chased by their enemies who wanted to enslave them once again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:13 Moses said, "Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today." Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so that the people could move forward on dry land. But that's not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped them and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free once and for all.

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him.  I keep standing, I keep believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through that difficult situation so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It's not always easy to do, after all I am human.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.”  There have been times when I've felt left out. I've felt people have overlooked me. But now I always remember, the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I choose her.  She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth I was told “You’re just too tall, or too skinny” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a life time to understand.  Those aches were real, but tracing back over those steps I can see the hand of God in my life.  I'm not sure why we hold on to the past so tightly, but today I was able to dump it. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself I pulled into the Land Fill (weird never been there before--it stinks)  I parked poured my heart out to the Lord and left it.

Dumped my fears today....

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we will not go around thinking there is something wrong with us, but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer — then Heavenly Father  said He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never even happened.

It's time for me to dig my heels in. Not allow what somebody did or didn’t do steal my destiny and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, not attractive. No, it's time for me to realize I am a child of  God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments; it comes from  Him.  I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He will take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I'm trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father  will always give me the last laugh. I believe he's trying so hard to get me where I'm supposed to be.  I may never run that marathon I've dreamed of but  God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me.  A year ago I thought I was on a road of recovery, a full healing.  I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to  full fill.  I believe with all my heart, Heavenly Father brought Nerium International into my life for a new journey, a new peace.  In the beginning of this post I talked about an Ipad and earning a Lexus.  Those are stepping stones, those actually monetarily mean nothing to me, the person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. What I know about this company is they are going to grow and flourish with or without me.  Heavenly Father knows me, He knew I would need something to build me up. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have a hard time looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. Yes, some of you may wonder Why a beauty industry?  Believe me I too have thought "How can I represent a company who endorses anti aging? Isn't that being a little vain?" It's taken me a while to wrap my head around that one, feeling insecure in my own skin and surrounding.  Why would the Lord want to engage me down this road? I felt absolute peace when I chose to represent Nerium, of course that was before the facial paralysis. I now know why. 

I'm a partner in a company who's CEO Jeff Olson has taught me reading 30 minutes a day from a good book is much better than anything on TV or the news stand.  Giving 10% of my earnings to a church or foundation is the only way to succeed in life, and finally true happiness is something acquired when we come to love ourselves from the inside out. His leadership management have also taught me to be inclusive.  Dennis Windsor is a partner with Jeff Olson, but also a true man of God.  When I've had the opportunity to see him, he takes me aside and prays over me with sincerity. Mark and Tammy Smith also a multi millionaire couple with every reason to pass up the little guy or look above or over the homeless man, had a long line of people waiting to take pictures with them Mark saw me walking by came to me took my hand and led me back to his dear wife to ask about my life.  The lines of people didn't matter to them at that moment. I mattered, they wanted to know how I was doing.  I'm beginning to see my passion for life return, the idea of helping others achieve things in their life they never thought possible, makes me smile.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life right now.

I accept the fact that friends, people even family may reject me, but God accepts me. He’s already chosen me for this journey, and He’s the One that matters most. He has a way of working everything out for my good! And it’s always better than I could have ever imagined!

Begging vs Believing

When Haleigh was about 13 years old she asked Eric "Dad, when I get my driver's license will you buy me a car?"  Eric said, "Yes we will have a car for you to drive"  I remember this because I told Eric, "I wish you wouldn't have promised her a car, we are going to have to hear about it for 3 years now. What if your situation changes and you can't keep your promise?"  Eric looked at me and said "I always keep my promises"  I was dreading having to listen to Haleigh constantly ask about that car.  To my surprise she never asked again, she talked about how happy she was about the prospect of her drivers license and the freedom she would have, but never asked about the car.

I have often thought about that.  Eric was so confident he would be able to provide a car for her to drive he felt comfortable making a promise.  She believed him, he had never lied to her before.  I think I know Eric well enough to know if Haleigh had continued to bug him about the car for the next 3 years he would have been hurt or annoyed.  The hurt may have come as a result of her not trusting in his word.  The annoying aspect of this equation is obvious.

So many times I have asked in Faith for the Lord to heal me.  He heard me the 1st time, he also knew the answer before I asked it.   The very 1st time he heard my prayer, the miracle was in motion.  He never said it would be easy or quick. Maybe what I thought was my question was actually me begging.  He probably thinks "Why is she asking me this again, I already answered her. Does she not believe me?"

Lazarus was dead for days when Jesus thanked Heavenly Father for bringing him to life before it actually happened.   My mind tells me somethings are impossible.  Maybe I need to have more faith and thank Heavenly Father for the answers before they come.  Having faith means I cannot see the answer,  but I believe He will provide the answer. Heavenly Father already knows and he has given his word.  He must feel bad when I beg and plead with him.

 I've been getting all my initial pre-operative work done this week.  Did I mention, I'm having surgery on February 6th? This will be my 23rd surgery in less than 5 years.  A huge part of me wants to completely check out.  I'm so done with hospitals, surgery and doctors. The other side say's "It's not your time yet, I can do all things through Christ"

Trying to find a vein today the RN asked me "do they usually have a hard time finding your veins?" I smiled and politely replied "Yes, they usually do" She was frustrated, after the 6th poke she said "I'm going to try one more time if I can't get a draw back I will go get someone to help me"  She finally had to take the blood out of the upper part of my arm just below my elbow.  Painful?  Yes it was, but I was calm.  I asked her just before she rolled me into the CT scan if she would shut my right eyelid.  She did, what a job, was my thought.  When the contrast entered my body a sudden warmth penetrated every cell in my body.  It's a strange sensation, my fingers tingled, I felt like I needed to pee and my ears were burning.  This was all done at the Maricopa County Hospital.  My  surgeon is employed by Mayo Clinic in Rochester, but does trauma surgery at both Mayo Clinic and Maricopa.  More about him later, I am blessed once again with an incredible surgeon.

I left Maricopa Hospital and went to the Mayo Clinic Hospital to get the rest of my pre-operative work done.  Time to collapse some more veins.  I was dreading going into the blood lab, knowing they would have a hard time finding a vein.  Another 7 or 8 pokes, she finally got a smaller needle, which was what I had asked her to do in the beginning..... no one believes me.  She finally found a working vein on the side of my left hand close to my wrist...painful?  Umm.... yes but grateful she found one.  She had tears in her eyes.  I told her it was ok, she said it looked like I had been poked earlier.  I told her I had she said she couldn't believe how calm I was.  I left there sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel and cried just a little.

I just need to believe the Lord is on my side, He knows what is best for me.  Put it in his hands and let it go.  Today, I will thank him for the healing that's coming my way.

Divine Connections

God knows every hair on my head.  He knows who I am.  He knows what my future is.  It seems with this knowledge I should have no fear.  If I trust in the Lord there should be no doubt of His love for me.
Living completely in faith, knowing he will lead and guide me is still hard at times.  I know He has my plan already mapped out.  I've said so many times, nothing happens by mistake.  People come and go in my life for a reason.  I've made divine connections with some pretty incredible individuals.

When I was at Cleveland Clinic last summer I met a woman named Darlene Ballard.  I sat in the waiting area feeling vulnerable and weak.  I looked to my right and she was sitting with her friend (I believe) I noticed Darlene right away, her eye was completely shut.  Without hesitation I walked over and sat beside her. "Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your eye?" I knew I was taking a risk asking such a bold question.  Perhaps she was not like myself, would she be offended? I'm so glad I decided to speak with her. She turned to me and immediately I felt something, a bond.  "Of coarse I don't mind." Darlene continued to tell me  about why her eye was closed. She had a benign tumor. It wrapped around her eye.  Although she was elated the diagnosis was not positive for cancer, this was and is a major trial to overcome.  Her journey with this unexpected burden will not soon be over. In fact she will probably deal with this the rest of her life.  She explained the surgeon could not get all of the tumor, even after a very long grueling surgery.  She was positive, she showed me her eye was beginning to open just a bit.  I asked her if her eye will ever completely open. Darlene said her surgeon told her it will open.

Last Sunday night I received a phone call from Darlene.  She was simply calling to check on me. We talked for quite a while.  She has had another surgery since I last saw her. She explained it will take several surgeries to get the entire tumor.  I believe she came into my life for a divine purpose.  Sometimes the Lord closes a door so that another one can open.  I know there is not a support group for the loss of a nerve.  However, Darlene and I have struggled with similar feelings and emotions. It is my pleasure to call her my new friend. I will continue to pray for her full recovery.

I've learned I cannot force things in my life to happen, I can't manipulate God and his timing. He brings the right people into my life, so I can weed out the wrong.  I know this sounds a bit strong.  The truth is in life there is always going to be good and bad.  We cannot know the good without experiencing the bad. Just as we cannot know the light, unless we have experienced the darkness.

My dear friend Sheldon passed away this week.  I made a divine connection with him.  I will always be grateful for that connection.  He was diagnosed with cancer in 2008.  I was diagnosed in 2009.  Over these past 5 and a half years we were able to connect on a different level than I could with other people. Sometimes all I needed to do was turn around during church to meet his eye, at that moment we both knew.  I could see in his face if he was having a good or bad week.   Today, my immediate prompting was to turn and see if he was there.  Sheldon was a quiet giant, I never heard him complain.  We shared moments, thoughts and feelings about oncologists, medicine, chemo, and side effects.  He had a great love for his family.  He loved his wife Kit, and his children Estee, Noah, Peri and Chloe deeply.  I often listened to him share his feelings about each one of his children.  He didn't want Kit to have to deal with the effects of cancer and often took it all on himself.  Kit was an incredible caregiver and strength for him.  She was well aware of his care and was always concerned.  She made sure Sheldon ate clean and healthy.  I was always impressed at how well she was able to balance everything in her life.  I understood him wanting to do things his way.  I have felt those feelings of concern for my own family.   There have been many times I have chosen to not tell my family what is happening in my world at Mayo Clinic.  I think this is normal for a lot of people who deal with life altering events.

I will be eternally grateful for divine connections I have made.  With my Heavenly Father, this connection has been invaluable. As I continue down the journey of life, I will never ignore a prompting to introduce myself, find a friend or share a moment.

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions.  I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February.  Kaitlyn is so cute pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father.  They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me.  It's too difficult to be away from my family.  After the last surgery I had in December, I have not heard back from them.  This, makes me nervous.  We have been told several times when working with a nerve there is a small window of opportunity to work with.  After discussing my feelings with Heather and doctor Barr's, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic.  He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic, but resides here in Arizona.  He works at the Maricopa County hospital and also does surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and Fridays.  I was blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will be having another surgery on February 6th.  I feel really good about the procedure he is going to perform.  This first surgery will be a nerve graft, I will be finding out more about the details when I see him next week.  Then in a few months, there will be a much longer, more risk surgery. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU.  I am at peace with our decision.  I know I am going to be questioned about why I am going through with these surgeries.  I already have been told by several people, if the doctor wants to do anymore surgery I should tell them no.  It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now.  I am not a quitter, I am strong, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my smile back.  Vain? I don't think so, I fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know if I don't try and that window closes, I will have regrets.  I choose to leave this life with no regrets.  Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go but until that time, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out I was told only 2% of people have a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or bell's palsy, most of those patients have full  restoration of facial paralysis.  My nerve is dead, it is not coming back to life, not with therapy, not with standing in front of the mirror everyday begging facial muscles to move.  There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this.  There are no support groups.  I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends.  I have shed more tears over this than I ever did over my diagnosis with cancer.  I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel.  I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make, they are difficult.

Most of us, including me have this conception of ourselves.  None of us want to think we are concerned with the look of our face.  I am here to tell you, unless you have been through this, a part of that 2% you do not know how you would handle it.  This has really messed with my head, and made me doubt myself in so many ways.  I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you.  The fact is, I am part of that 2% and I do have to deal with it.  This may take years for me to feel comfortable.  So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International.  It has been a year now since I made that decision.  Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, get reconnected with friends.  One of the best decisions  of my life was to become a partner with Nerium.  Little did I know my life would be so richly blessed with self development.  I know without a doubt the Lord was watching me.  He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level completely different than I ever imagined I could.  I truly believe happiness comes from within, it is a process of finding yourself.  I am in that process now.  I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis, they have helped me along this road of self awareness.  My friends who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded on my heart, I love them eternally.

I believe I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need  to flourish and grow right now. I feel a part of something, something wonderful.  The philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I feel is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life.  This is so much more than about money for me. I have a chance to really make a difference in not only my life but to help others do the same.  Right now this is where I need to be.  I have constantly relied on the Lord for 5 years to guide me in the correct decisions.  I am not going to turn my back on the feelings I have now.  I know He is with me, He is blessing me along this journey.  I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, I am a daughter of God, I am an influence, I am important, I am going to survive, I am choosing the right.

Dose of Reality or Just Plain Rude

Today I received a dose of reality, well I think it was reality I have a hard time distinguishing between reality and rudeness these days. I am trying my hardest to be OK with living with a disfigured odd looking face, potentially for the rest of my life.

 I have good days and bad. In my face, directly confronted with these words today "Hey Monya, I'm sorry to hear about your recent surgery" "Thank you, but I am doing well, and glad to be back to work" "....uhh I was just wondering, do you think you could get plastic surgery done on your other eye to create some symmetrical lines?" Seriously, being put on the spot like that was about as uncomfortable as a drunk in church.  I had no idea what to say, after a little hesitation my response was "....I would not, actually WILL not ever have elective surgery, that was my 21st surgery in 5 years, I've had 5 this year and actually thought I would lose my life.  I honestly do not care about what my face looks like anymore" "Well you take good care of your skin, it looks good, except for  the right side is a little off centered from the rest........" interjecting I couldn't help myself "I have to stop you right there, I can't listen to this anymore, I am not trying to be rude, and I'm quite sure you have every great intention that you are not meaning to insult me, but this has been one of the most difficult years of my life.   The fact that I am alive, working, trying my best to be OK with me, not the physical me but the whole self. The parts of my inner beauty I have never seen or known I could possess, has been a long on going process"  the tears started to well up, which really ticked me off because I was trying so hard to be composed. ...."My skin looks good because of Nerium, and the self help I've gotten since my facial paralysis comes from reading books like The Slight Edge, Live Happy and by giving myself daily affirmations that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough and that I can hold my head high knowing I am trying my hardest with all I have inside of me to face people and respect myself, no matter what my physical appearance is" she considered what had just been said and apologized for offending me. Why couldn't it just end at that? Oh no.... I started to walk off and she uttered "I just thought you would want to know, there are plastic doctors out there who can help you"

I walked off acting as if I didn't hear her last comment.  I wish I could say a huge shield of honor came up between her and I but,  as much as I didn't want this to effect me, it did.  When I got off work I went home looked at my face in the mirror and like I do everyday I told my damn lips to smile, I worked it for 30 minutes--actually it was pretty funny--my dang mouth didn't even try--I had to push my lip up over and over again I did that, saying "smile dang it...."  Well guess what? I can only smile with one side of my mouth, and I can only lift one eyebrow, but I can listen with my heart even with a deaf ear, and I can smile with my eyes.  So until, and if my smile never comes back, I will continue to work on true happiness in my life, surround myself with others who are authentically compassionate and kind, and tomorrow I will take her a copy of The Slight Edge and a Live Happy Magazine.

Favorite Things

All week I've been thinking about how hard it is to describe FAVORITES.... weird thought I know.

Favorites for me have sometimes come and gone in a flash.  Depending on the age, the people in my life at the time and the circumstances for which they become my favorites.

When I was a little girl I watched The Wizard of Oz every year when it came on TV.  I thought Judy Garland was beautiful even in black and white.  I will never forget seeing the movie for the 1st time in color--it was so vibrant and alive--I loved it--I despised the monkey's, they scared me.  My favorite part of the movie was when she sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where your troubles melt like lemon drops

way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over, the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

One day I'll wish upon a star

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way above the chimney tips, that's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

If birds can fly over the rainbow, why, then oh why can't I?

If Happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

The first time I heard this song, I loved the melody, but the first time I listened to the lyrics I became obsessed.  It was difficult to imagine daring to dream of a happy place, or that dreams can come true. Since those days, I have always been in awe of Rainbows.  When Haleigh and I saw a double rainbow in Hawaii just a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer, it later became a 

New Baby Boy

What the heck is up with all this modern technology?  3D ultrasounds? When my baby girl, who's having this baby boy was in my tummy--we had an ultra sound too, it sure didn't look like this though.  It showed us Kaitlyn was going to be a boy, I don't think those mistakes happen much these days.

I am so happy for Kaitlyn and Brian, they have been married over 5 years now.  Brian has worked hard going to school full time--ASU graduate in May--perfect timing to take over daddy day care... ?

He looks just like Brian

especially with this smirk on his face--BRIAN

It's interesting as a parent to watch your own children grow up, fall in love, figure marriage out, and now have babies.  This little guy is arriving in February and will be our 3rd grandson.  I have never in my life seen any girl happier about being pregnant .... well except maybe me, I loved being pregnant. Seriously though, Brian and Kaitlyn are so organized with the babies room, diapers, etc.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their lives.

 The joy of parenting is indescribable, and I know they are going to be so much better at it than I ever was.  It's always been my dream that my children would raise a better generation than we did, hopefully with each generation it gets better and better.  I have no doubt this baby will be loved, our family is so excited in just a couple short months this little guy will be all the attention.  When I look at these pictures I'm so emotionally attached knowing where he is coming from--a perfect, peaceful, loving place, and as much as we want him to feel what he is feeling right now as he prepares to say good-bye to his great Grandad, Da Wi, cousins, and siblings he will enter this world perfect, but along the way make some mistakes.  My bonbon advice "It's OK to make mistakes, we all do. The most important thing to learn about life is that you are loved, and it's not about how you start the race it's all about how you end the race. Learn from every mistake, laugh it off, be happy and share your knowledge with everyone, you are the brightest star in the sky, I love you"

I'm trying ....

I have missed out on a few blog posts so today I will probably post 3.  First I went to Cleveland Clinic had my surgery with Doctor Gastman then flew home with Eric to recover.  I'm getting really good at this.  I do not like the pain medicine, Eric gets upset if I don't take it, but I try to muddle my way through without using it.

I received an email message from one of my physicians who reads this blog, so this is for him.... "You made a mistake on your blog, that was your 21st surgery in less than 5 years" "Well excuse me for the mis count, btw your nosey" "No, just want you to be exact" so there you have it, yes I have nosey physicians.  It's a good thing I love him enough to care that he was kind enough to correct me, and that I never say anything on this blog I wouldn't be proud for them to read.

I want to add this little tender mercy to this blog post because it is another one that truly took me by surprise.  I have been involved with a company I feel the Lord placed in my lap a year ago for a reason, He knows how much each of us can handle, and knowing what was about to make a life altering change to my life, He knew I needed to be with people and circumstances that could bless my life, and it has in such a precious way.  I have made lifelong friends, who never knew me before my paralysis or cancer diagnosis.  Most don't know my story.

I recently was invited to listen to a conference call by a woman who I had already admired, for her down to earth, funny, humble way of telling the story of how she and her sweet husband have gotten to where they are today.  Like always I was sitting on my bed with my phone on conference mode with my notepad ready to take notes, learn something that may also help me in my venture.  I was not prepared for the emotion I would feel when I listened in.  So many who have followed my story know I use the word HOPE so much, I have studied it, pondered it, lived it and tried to wrap myself up in the warmth of that word.  Mariel began to speak with her team, (everyone on the call is muted) that's a good thing because it was not a minute or two into the call when I began to blubber like a baby.  It was as if she was speaking to me directly. (this is not the case she had about 800 people on that call)  I am not going to go into all my notes, mostly because I stopped taking them at this point.  She was directly delivering her message to me.  Graceful and gently she spoke of HOPE.  Giving HOPE to others during a time in life when so many just need to know there are people in the world who care, who want to help make a difference. It's been 6 month's that I have dedicated myself to doing something kind for someone every single day, I have been successful doing this, and it has changed my life. It doesn't take away my own needs and realities, but it has helped me to become a better person, to learn that when I fall I can be lifted up and reminded of my potential.  I've been reminded once again time after time as I'm guided to people daily that I have so much to work on, so much to learn but by taking the hand of others like Mariel and Frank I can be lead and guided with thoughts of goodness and mercy, and do it with humility and grace.

I had a few days off for recovery after surgery, but started back to work last week.  I love my job at USAirways.  I really had a breakthrough last week while working.  Probably not the place I thought this would happen, but anymore I am never surprised at what, where or who touches my life in a significant way.

I was taking a reservation for a man, just doing my job when out of no where he asked me if I was OK.  Not knowing exactly what he meant I asked "Yes I'm OK, does it seem I am not doing my job, or have I offended you?" "Oh heavens no, just the opposite you are lovely to talk to and today I feel grateful it was you who answered the phone" a little stunned I thanked him and finished up his reservation, when I asked if there was anything else I could do to help him he said "Yes, you can" thinking he was going to either change the reservation, have me send him to rental cars or add his dividend miles number, you can imagine my surprise when this is what he said "Did you recently have a stroke? I don't mean to be nosey but your voice sounds a little staggered" for the first time I was finally able to hear the truth from someone, a stranger and for the 1st time a light went off in my head I replied "No sir, I didn't have a stroke but I do have partial facial paralysis and sometimes it is difficult to speak clearly, I'm sorry if you had a hard time with me today" I felt this sweet peace come over me, I am healing, from the inside out.

Facial paralysis has been by far the most challenging misfortunate obstacle I have had to come to grips with.  I've felt so many times that I just can't do this anymore, begging for relief, for a complete physical healing.  I have definitely felt broken, alone and misunderstood. To finally say out loud to a perfect stranger "I have partial facial paralysis" may seem so insignificant to other people, but for me it was HUGE.  My physician's have been perfectly honest with me.  Right now, there is not much  hope for a full recovery without more surgery, which I was told from the beginning.  I like to think I want to hear the full truth, the bottom line, then I can deal with it.  Boy, was I surprised at how much I didn't comprehend my own understanding of what difficult was.

I have so many people say "...but you're beautiful"  for some reason that "....but" hesitation has penetrated my heart too many times.  I know there is not one person out there that has said those words to me who is comfortable saying it, but I've come to discern they love me and really just don't know what to say, and that is OK, I don't know what to say either.  The absolute truth is, my soul is trying to heal, and it will take some time for me to be ready to accept this new life I have been offered.

Blessed Abundantly

Well I made it to Cleveland Clinic. Rather than dwell on what is coming up, I tried to focus on more positive thoughts. If any of you do not have a LIVE HAPPY magazine, I am a Live Happy ambassador and would love to get you one, please send me your address, it cost you nothing, but will enhance your life, tremendously, I love it.

I had a day filled with tests and pre-op appointments.  It is extremely cold here in Cleveland, not what this Arizona girl is used to.  Eric flew in last night to be with me for the surgery, I reassured my surgeon I am flying home on Saturday, his PA was a little shocked at my boldness, but I need to be with my family. One great thing, I am flying in 1st class, drugged up and will hopefully feel no pain.

I would be remiss to say, over these past 5 years I have been so blessed with positive influences, prayers, sincere friends I like to call  family, over and over again they never seize to amaze me with their receptive compassionate ability to feel my vulnerability.  There are so many who struggle privately, I would be one of them, however I don't have that pleasure, the obvious insecurity and self doubt I have has been public, but has helped me to develop in ways I arrogantly didn't think I needed. To those who struggle anxiously and  quietly, please know I pray for you daily--it's the least I can do and I HOPE for some relief to your pain.

Life is so full of ups and downs, no one is perfect, no situation is always perfect, but for me, right now I am doing all I can to become OK with who I am, what I physically look like to others, and work on my worth as a person not an object.  I love who I am becoming, and realize I have much more to work on.  The beauty of this life, is that we get to start all over again tomorrow with a renewed perspective--and if we don't make it to  tomorrow--guess what? There's still HOPE--He will pick up the pieces and carry us through to our new journey.

I love my sisters deeply, they sometimes are the people I know understand thoughts feelings and emotions that frquenly.  We all need someone to talk to , someone who really truly understands.  For parts of my life Sonya and Kris have been my people. For most parts Eric, my eternal partner understands and helps me to achieve my goals with ambition and constant encouragement.  Amazingly my little Recker looks into my eyes at times and I know he realizes and senses my solitude. Yes, you could say I am blessed in abundance.

Brain Scan-Mayo Clinic

I arrived at Mayo Clinic early this morning, and can I just say that the people who drive to work between 7-8 am everyday......I am so sorry.  It was stop and go the entire way to Mayo Blvd.  I will be getting  brain scans every 3 months FOREVER.  All that really is, is an MRI, 45 minutes of pounding, and hammering on my brain--I survived, not my favorite thing to do, but necessary for Dr. Barr's to see what is going on between my ear and my brain.....not much.

Let me explain this doozie.  When I arrived at the hospital they took me in to prep me for the scan.  Included in the visit is an IV.  I warned the nurse not to use anything less than a 22 needle, and to not use my left arm, wrist, or hand.  She smiled and assure me she knew what she was doing. I then announced "Please listen to me, I know.........." then she plunged the size 20 needle into my left hand, immediately I concluded "you just blew out my vein" The nurse then said "How did you know what size needle to use?"  "This is not my first rodeo, after 5 years of being poked and prodded I've learned the left side has no veins left,  if you had let me finish before you  stuck me I would of let you know, 

my experiences have taught me" She then advised me "Since you've had a port on your right side, you shouldn't use the right side, I'm sure your oncologist has told you not to use the right side for at least 10 years, since your lymph nodes were removed?" "Um, no he has never told me anything like that" "Who is your oncologist?" I looked up just in time to see a familiar face, and she recognized my face also.  Beaming, I said "Lindsay right?" she reached in to hug me, "Yes, how did you remember my name?" "I'm not sure, I just did, but I'm not sure why, or who you are" a few small laughs.  She then affirmed  "I was your nurse on the 5th floor, when you had your nerve go dead, how are you doing?" "I am fantastic, except for this blown out vein ...... just here for a brain scan" "Oh dear, I'm sorry about the vein, let's see if I can get a smaller needle and use the other hand" The previous nurse disappeared and Lindsay finished up.  What a great surprise, I love when I get the pleasure of running into the great staff who have served me over the years.

One of the reasons I love Mayo Clinic so much they always have my results the same day.  I ate lunch, then met with Dr. Barr's.  He is so great, always has a big smile and a sweet compassionate heart.  The results of the brain scan looked good, the cholesteatoma has no regrowth, there was a little liquid build up, but nothing for me to worry about.  Dr. Barr's took time to talk to me about the facial paralysis, he wanted to know how I am dealing with it.  It's hard to say I'm OK with it, I'm not.  Of course I wish things were different, I explained I am trying to deal with 'being OK' if the nerve does not fuse back together.  I added, I'm not used to people looking at me then quickly looking away, I have gotten to the point that I look away now, so they will not have to be uncomfortable.  He then looked at me with his big smile and acknowledged what I was feeling was normal, but that he loves who I am, my personality and my heart.  I have to admit, it was a good boost for me, I needed to hear exactly what he had to say.

I will be going to Cleveland Clinic next week for some more surgery on my eye, I think when I get home I will be finishing all the rest of my surgeries up at Mayo Clinic.