Celebration

Today, is a good day--my new friend rang the bell for his last radiation treatment--whoo hoo.  When I walked into the waiting area and saw all the blue balloons and people, it put a smile in my heart, they were all there for him.  There is something beautiful about having loving, supportive people in your life.  For cancer patients it gives them HOPE, and FAITH in their future, that love is what gets them through one more round of chemo,  one more port access, another day of hovering over a toilet.  For me, I love  to have family around, keeping connected with them gives me pleasure, and I just want to cultivate it while I can,  enjoy every moment I have.   I will forever look at family and close friends differently than I ever have in my life.

As I sat and watched and observed this huge support system he has, it reconfirmed to me how vitally important it is to nurture good relationships,  be kind to everyone who is in your life, and those who are passing through, tell the people in your life how much you love them, how much you appreciate them.   Hold on to good memories and cherish the happy times.  What a happy time for this guy and his family.  I KNOW he will remember this day and hopefully it will bring him comfort on a day when he feels alone or scared--Thank you for inviting me to share in this moment with you and your loved ones.

Porche or Pinto

The past couple of days have been rough, not a lot of sleep, insomnia is kicking me in the behind.  It's the worst feeling to be up all night, staring at the ceiling, knowing in just a couple hours I have to get up and go to work.   Part of the reason for this besides the obvious hormonal, cancer crap, is I just realized that Us Airways has changed our insurance carriers, and I may not be able to go to Mayo Clinic anymore--when I opened the envelope and read it, I literally wanted to throw up, I felt sick.  Eric had just got home from work when I was reading the mail, I asked Blake to please go get him, when he came down stairs I asked him to read it too, he read it, and read it and then read it again, the next couple of hours I tried to find out some information but of course the offices are closed until Monday--I was watching Recker he was a great distraction, he and I jumped on the trampoline together, I had to keep saying to myself "it's OK, whatever happens, you can't control this, so just go with whatever happens"  yeah right, this means no more Dr. Northfelt, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Freeman, Dr. Kreymerman,  MaryAnn Forrett,,  and all the wonderful people who have touched my life and been with me from the beginning of my journey. I could not get my mind off of it, I watched a movie with Recker on my bed, he makes me laugh and takes everything away just for a little bit--I loved that time with him, as soon as he fell asleep on my chest, I laid him next to me and just stared at him--he is so perfect, so untouched by the worries of the world.
Needless to say Eric and I were up all night worrying about this insurance thing, I went down stairs and laid on the sofa, it wasn't long before he was sitting next to me.  I love Eric, he looked at me and said "no matter what I want you to be at Mayo Clinic with your doctors, I will make it happen"  I told him it's not fair, it's not  that I think Mayo Clinic is superior to any other facility, it's just that those are MY people, they  are the ones who I cried with, the doctors I love and who I feel love me and know me.  I will never share with any other  doctors what I shared with Dr. Kreymerman and Dr. Magtibay they know a part of my life that I have never shared with anyone else, except Eric.  I was so upset I looked at Eric and said "it's like driving a Porche and then all of sudden being told you have to drive a Pinto, but you are going to have to pay more for it.  He looked at me and responded "yes sweetheart, but you still have a car"

No, you have a nice day !

OK so the other day someone said to me "have a nice day" and for some reason it kinda slapped me in the face ...I wondered how many times in a day we say that phrase without even really putting any thought into it, so you know me?  I decided to count how many times in one day I heard it.  I heard people say "have a nice day" at least 40 times in one day, I said it to over 35 people.  I kept a little tally in my head, I know the number was higher for how many times I said it because I was at work and I found myself saying it to every single person I talked to on the phone.  Not that saying it is a bad thing, just wondering how many times we say things without putting any heart into it. 

When Eric and I were a young married couple with 2 children, I remember how much I loved our bishop's wife, she was from Japan.  I learned so much from her, one time she told me that Americans are in so much of a hurry to get somewhere that they don't take the time to really listen to each other.  I asked her what she meant by that, and she said when she moved to the USA she had to teach herself how to learn English, she learned from watching TV.... (how scary is that?)  as she began to interact with other women she said she noticed how we all would say "hey how you doing?" but not stop to hear what the answer was, we would just continue down the aisle at the grocery store, church or work,  it really bothered her.   I have thought about that so many times since then, wondering how many times I have done that to people.  None of us mean to not listen,  maybe it's a cultural thing.

OK, so while I was doing my little experiment one of the stops on my list was the FedEx store to mail a package.  There was this man in the line in front of me trying to get a package mailed, the beautiful African American girl behind the counter helping him was one of the most patient people I have ever seen.  This guy asked her how she was going to guarantee him that his package would get to its destination without being broken or destroyed, she then asked him if he would like to purchase some additional insurance on his package, I will never forget what he said to her...and I will add that his tone of voice was very condescending and sarcastic.

"listen up that is not what I asked you, I know from the color of your skin and by the fact that you are working at a FedEx you probably are having a hard time understanding me, but just answer the question. Am I supposed to tell my friends who are expecting this package when it doesn't show up that the FedEx Chick told me it would get there, sorry?"  

Whoa, as fast as lightening the manager came out of the back room and my head swirled around like a person with whiplash, he did not just say that.  He stood staring her down as if trying to intimidate her as much as possible, she just smiled handed him his receipt and said "have a nice day"  before the manager or myself could say a word he turned around headed out the door and said  with a smirk on his face "no, you have a nice day"   She looked at me smiled and said "how can I help you?"  the manager and I both looked at each other in disbelief, I told her how sorry I was that he had just treated her the way he did, she didn't say much just smiled thanked me and said "have a nice day"   WoW what a day for me to try out the "have a nice day" experiment. 

I walked out of the FedEx  feeling really bad for that young girl, I hope she realizes how beautiful she is and that no one should be allowed to talk her the way he did.  

Mayo Clinic Symposium Living with Cancer

Do normal people go to cancer symposiums on their birthday? That answer would be.... Probably NOT. Me, I'm not your average normal person, it was exactly what I wanted to do and I'm so glad I did. Knowledge is empowering I want to soak in every bit of information I can about the VILLAIN in me, is it possible for he and I to live together without recurrence on his part? After listening to all the incredible doctors at Mayo Clinic, I walked away feeling like I'm in complete control of life and whether or not the cancer comes back in days, months or years I have no regrets.

I was fortunate to hear from all of my personal doctors at the symposium.  I'm really not a person who normally likes to sit and listen to lectures, however, this was close to my heart and I didn't want it to end--the information I got was invaluable for me.  There is something  to be said about sitting in a room full of cancer patients and their care-givers.  When we broke out into our disease specific sessions, Dr. Northfelt said he wanted it to be more of an informal session and allow patients and care-givers  to ask questions.  Dr. Pockaj is the surgeon who performed my mastectomy she spoke 1st, one of the most important things I took away from her speech was that 35% of patients find their own lumps by doing regular breast self exams-- I am a firm believer and endorse this frequently on my FB page.  I was told one time that a doctor told a patient she does not need to be doing her BSE because they are ineffective--- I'd say 35% is a significant percentage so I will continue to endorse.  The other thing I learned is that after a bi-lateral mastectomy (which is what I had) there is no need for mammograms.

Dr. Michelle Halyard was my radiation/oncologist she spoke next--I loved all she had to say and it confirmed to me that every fear, anxiety, memory loss, insomnia, pain, joint  muscle fatigue and loss of appetite is normal.  Imagine my surprise when I found out I was NORMAL-- well at least when it comes to being a cancer patient--I can't get anyone else to tell me I'm a normal person in "real life"

Next up was Dr. Northfelt, it's no surprise that I have not been happy about the fact that I do not really get to see him--I have been looking for another oncologist--Not all cancer patients feel the way I do--I am someone who NEEDS to see her oncologist at least once a year, and I have asked for this but been told that because Dr. Northfelt is also the lead oncologist for Mayo Clinic he is very busy and has administrative responsibilities too. He is a wonderful Dr. I remember the 1st time I met him I felt so comfortable, he made me feel good about my diagnosis and gave me hope for my future--I loved that he was my doctor--after talking to other cancer patients, not necessarily from Mayo Clinic, I have discovered that they all see their oncologist--I know patients who are just fine with seeing the PA (physicians assistant) they don't want to bother with the doctor, or that seeing the doctor creates anxiety or unwanted fear--I AM NOT THAT PATIENT--seeing him continues to give me hope, helps me to feel like he is completely on the same page with me and that he knows who I am, I'm not asking for much just once a year, as much as I am at Mayo that is fair--right?
OK so back to Dr. Northfelt-- before the break out session started he approached me and thanked me for the tie I gave him for Christmas--I was shocked that he even knew who I was, but gave me comfort knowing he did.  He lectured about health and fitness--but before he started he said something that brought tears to my eyes, he said that a patient he had not seen for awhile had just told him she had decided to see a different oncologist and that Dr. Northfelt was not providing her with the care she needed.  He seemed really sad about this information, it touched my heart and brought me to tears.  This is the reason I wanted him specifically for my oncologist, he has a heart.  What I took from his lecture is that I am doing everything he asked me to do, he talked about the book Anti Cancer, he again confirmed to me that cutting out sugars, fats and having regular exercise in a daily routine will help lower the risks of recurrence--walking at a natural pace 3 hours a week also reduce the risk of Breast Cancer relapse.  I'm in check with all he suggested, I know if my cancer returns I did all I could do--NO REGRETS.

Maryann Forrett is the PA for Dr. Northfelt she spoke next--her subject  was intimacy and sex during and after cancer treatments--kinda an embarrassing subject to talk about but she was eloquent and touched on everything that I had questions about--I did raise my hand and ask a few questions--I prefaced my question by saying "I know you all have had sex and you all want to ask what I am about to say but are too embarrassed so hear goes" and I asked my questions, I don't really feel comfortable sharing those on my blog, in that room though it was OK because if there is one thing I have learned all breast cancer patients share a bond, an understanding of the changes that occur in your life while going through such a difficult time. Intimacy for so many patients changes, for breast cancer patients especially, for the obvious reasons your body has now changed, I don't care how much you love and trust your spouse or significant other the fact is there are scars YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT and exposing that vulnerable part of who you are, as a woman,  can truly be devastating.  When I had my mastectomy I did not want Eric in the room at the hospital I asked Dr. Kreymerman to have him leave the room while he examined me, I know it hurt him I could see it in his eyes, I knew he loved me, that was not the problem, I didn't want him to see  what I could barely look at--it took me weeks, maybe months before I would allow him to see me--that moment when I allowed him to see what I could barely stand to look at in the mirror was an intimate moment for both of us--intimacy is so much more than sex.
For the not so obvious reasons, an estrogen fed cancer changes everything, it is a part of what makes women sexually function correctly, and for me estrogen has to be blocked with medicine--the side effects for these medicines are a list I don't even want to bore you with--it's awful to not have control over how our bodies function, Heavenly Father created us perfectly and when something is missing or not working it all goes to heck--hot flashes, anxiety, depression and a low libido are part of that.

Pauline Lucas who was my physical therapist had a quote that I love  "Believe in Life, In Your Life" she spoke about meditation, health and fitness.  I love her, she was such an inspiration to me and I loved having my sessions with her--I miss her.

Overall, I learned to live for today--celebrate TIME, and hold on to all the good memories, make connections with people be meaningful, remember good and fun memories and write them down to reflect back on days when you need to be uplifted. Find something to laugh about everyday, it's the best medicine. My quality of life depends on ME and me only, it's all about quality not quantity.
These are my four F's
FAITH
FAMILY
FRIENDS
FUN
if anyone is having a difficult time with any of these,  its time to reevaluate  and rediscover who and what are important to you.

Happy Birthday to Me 2012

I ♥ Recker

I only have one more year in my forties, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. When, and how did that happen? Five minutes ago I was 19 years old dating the love of my life and thinking anyone over the age of 30 was old, and definitely anyone over 50 was ready for the grave. Boy, oh boy how perspectives change. Today I turned 49, I spent the day at a Mayo Clinic cancer symposium in Scottsdale.  Eric surprised me with a night at the Westin in the Kierlands, this is where the symposium was held.  I know it sounds strange that I would want to spend my birthday listening to Doctors talk about cancer, but it really is what I wanted to do--I will post more about that later.  I was privileged to have lunch with my sweet friend Heather Lucas, I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, I met Heather because I was undergoing cancer treatments she has become more than a medical care giver she has become a life time friend, I care and love her very much.

The best part of my day was coming home and jumping on our trampoline with Recker--he loves me, I have the hardest time explaining what my heart feels for that little guy--he smiles so big with his teeth showing and I can't help but laugh and squeeze him--he takes my hand and leads me outside to the tramp then climbs up on it, and grabs my hand to lead me on with him.  Just the act of leading me and guiding me is such an accomplishment for him, but more than that I love all that he has taught me about patience, and listening with my heart.  I'm convinced that unconditional LOVE is a gift from above.  Happy Birthday to Me.

Welcome 2012

This is the time of year we look back and respect,  have respect for TIME, where we've been and where we want to be.  I do anyway--I have so much to learn and so many ways I need to improve--I need to have these evaluations, they help me to search within myself and find the Monya I want to be, not the Monya the world expects me to be.

In 2011 I learned it's OK to admit when I'm scared, I learned this from my daughter Kayla, when she explained to me how odd I acted when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Any person who has had a serious illness can understand what I am about to say--and to the rest I hope you can respect it.  The  experience can be very lonely, it can strip you of your dignity, emotionally drain you and leave you feeling depressed and loaded with anxiety--I'm not sure why this happens but it is normal, I was NORMAL.  However, I will say this.... the more you are surrounded with family and people who love you, I mean really, really love you the more connected you feel, the more you want to fight.  Even if you have to give up your lifestyle from "before cancer" as a patient you need to feel like you are part of the CLUB-the club where all the living are--it helps to hear  and see lives moving forward and progressing--I guess what I'm trying to say is I get scared but I don't let fear rule my life.

In 2011 my son Blake taught me, he taught me I can do hard things..we all can accomplish hard things.  I think I thought my battle with cancer ended when I finished chemo and radiation, actually that was only the beginning, it was a huge hurdle to get over and I seriously thought I had won.  The headaches, the back and hip pain, nausea, insomnia, injections, viles of blood taken, procedures, scans and all the other physical pains are just minor battles, I have learned to devote what strength I have to the most important things of life, having meaningful relationships with my family, my husband, children and those who care. Journaling feelings, thoughts and desires are important for my family and heritage to read after I am gone.  My son is an incredible example to me of someone who knows the importance of these things, he lived without a hug from his mom for 2 years, he devoted all he could to the people of the Dominican Republic he conquered and returned with honor, I am grateful for all he has taught me.
This past year I learned to laugh, the importance of it. Laughter is a life pleasure, I love to see Recker laugh, especially when all his teeth show, I can't help but laugh too.  No matter what is happening in life, there are still plenty of reasons to laugh,  I hope I never let a time pass when given the opportunity to laugh, don't let those times pass--reach out and grab them, laugh with all your heart.
I spent New Year's Eve and day with Recker, Kayla, Jeremy, Blake and Chloe, kind of a last minute decision we are in Mexico. I am grateful today for a new year, new goals and the opportunity to learn from what I have experienced.  It's exciting to look ahead, not knowing what this new year will bring.  I am dedicated to a new year of learning, giving and sharing--I want to make a difference in the life of someone this year--

Christmas 2011

Is there anything better than children at Christmas?  I have so enjoyed Recker this year, he has the cutest personality, and a smile that will warm any heart.  Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look a little scarce in some spots and I love it.  He brings a special spirit into our home.

 There are times when I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking.  Autism, though sad in so many ways can also be very interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us, he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off of gluten and dairy, it seems to really make a difference in his moods and behavior.  In my kitchen I have a candy jar with gluten free suckers,  many times we will walk in the kitchen to find him staring up at the jar signing the word "PLEASE" how cute is he?  He loves to watch Disney movies and sometimes will start laughing so hard we can't help but rewind over and over again to capture those moments.  If there was only one wish I could have for this new year it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, maybe just say mom or dad those are easy right?  I love to watch him as he plays alone, he babbles in a language only he understands, recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room he ran after me grabbed my hand and brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes, loves to play in them, and on them.  I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist)  He loved it, we also bought him a little motorcycle, what a smile he had on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home.  This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Dr. David Servan Schreiber Dies

Today I was searching on the Internet for some information about cancer, actually trying to find another book written by Dr. David Servan Schreiber,  he wrote  the ANTI CANCER a book I read shortly after getting out of radiation therapy.  My research found that he had passed away in July 2011, just a few months ago.  My heart hurt when I read this, his book has helped me to give up sugars, flours and preservatives for the past year and a half. I learned from him to live with NO REGRETS and this has been Eric and my theme for the past couple years.  He lived much longer than he should have because he changed his way of eating, exercise and enviormental thinking.
 This is the article I read about him:

Obituary: Dr. David Servan-Schreiber Empowered Cancer Patients

Dr. David Servan-Schreiber (CS’89,’90), who was awarded an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Carnegie Mellon’s commencement this past May, died of brain cancer on Sunday, July 24. He was 50.


Servan-Schreiber’s career spanned two continents as a professor and physician in Pittsburgh and Paris. After completing two medical degrees, Servan-Schreiber earned a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience at CMU under the guidance of Jay McClelland and Nobel Laureate Herbert Simon.


Servan-Schreiber’s distinguished career touched many Pittsburgh institutions, including senior leadership posts at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where he co-founded the Center for Integrative Medicine, and academic appointments at the University of Pittsburgh and CMU. He published more than 90 scientific monographs and lectured at leading international academic centers.


One of the seven co-founders of the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Doctors without Borders U.S., Servan-Schreiber served in Iraq, Guatemala, India, Tajikistan and Kosovo, addressing epidemics among refugees. He served as a member of the organization’s board for nine years.


In 1992, at age 31, Servan-Schreiber discovered a tumor in his own brain while conducting brain-imaging research. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and given six months to live. Confronting his illness and marshaling his own will to live, he embarked upon a 16-year journey fighting and seeking to understand his illness, culminating in his 2008 international bestseller, “Anticancer: A New Way of Life.” The book and his international lectures have empowered cancer patients and survivors with knowledge and tools to combat the disease.


Servan-Schreiber is the eldest son of the world-renowned Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber, the late politician, publisher and co-founder of the French newspaper L'Express. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber was a distinguished lecturer at CMU during the years that his four sons, David, Franklin (E'86, HSS'89), Emile (S'85, HSS'89,'91) and Edouard (S'88) were students at the university. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber worked closely with Raj Reddy, CMU's Mozah Bint Nasser University Professor, as founder and president of the World Center for Informatics and Human Resources.


The funeral will be held in Paris on Thursday, July 28.

After he was told in 2010 that another brain tumor had been found — he called it “the Big One” — Dr. Servan-Schreiber wrote a third book, “We Can Tell Each Other Goodbye Several Times,” with Ursula Gauthier, a journalist. Many viewed it as a final testament.

“Death is part of the life process; everyone goes through it,” he said in one of his last interviews. “It is very reassuring in itself.”

Happiness is a CHOICE🚩

Have you ever heard someone say "he/she just doesn't make me happy anymore" ? I have, recently.  It's made me think about what makes people happy.  I'm happy when Recker smiles big with his teeth showing, I love that, I'm happy when my house is clean, or when my husband gets home from a hard day at work but still finds time to come in the kitchen and give me a big hug (I love hugs)  I was overwhelmingly happy to see Blake when he got home from the Dominican Republic after 2 years.  There are so many people and things that make me happy-for sure too many to name-but is it an accumulation of all those things that truly bring happiness?  I have to say I have been disappointed by others and allowed other people's choices effect my life in a negative way--what a shame  and a waste of precious time.   True lasting happiness comes from within ourselves, no one else can give that to you, like others I had to learn the hard way.  When I found out I had breast cancer it was like a huge maillot hit me over the head, I finally had clarity ...... it was time to clean house so to speak-- I needed to do some maintenance work on myself and find out what really matterd, then get rid of the rest--  For me, my happiness now comes from a deeper place in my heart, I'm OK with the choices of other people, and although they can make me sad it does not effect my eternal happiness because I know who I am, I know where I came from and I know where I want to be.  Seriously? it's taken me 48 years to figure this stuff out?  I have never, ever said I was a good student.. ha ha.

Oopsie Daisey..

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie daisey.  Honestly it's been incredibly busy in my life.  I am working 4 days a week now, lots of flights are being cancelled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here.  I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline.  Tomorrow I will going to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman, he will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back.  Can you say ouch?  Hopefully this will help with the pain and I will able to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
 I drove to Mayo Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect.  As I walked through the doors it reeked of chemo and hospital smell.  I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank.  Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeated it over and over again trying to get his attention, I really thought he was going to die.  Behind me a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone "HE" had just passed away and they need to get to the hospital..to the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack, by now my mind is thinking "concentrate Monya, don't pay any attention  to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang, it was Eric checking in on me, boy was  I happy to hear his voice. Finally they sent me up to the 5th floor, pain clinic on the elevator we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me, she was crying I wanted to hug her, but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries.  We made a stop on the 2nd floor and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator, I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death.  Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check, Mayo has a way of doing that to me.  She only went up one floor and I noticed she was on the patients floor, probably going to visit a family--I was sad about that.  We continued to the 5th floor, the lady with the tears went left and I went right--just like that those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me.....and I will likely never see them again.
I approach the pain clinic check in and they hand me a stack of papers to fill out, seriously???  what else could they possibly need from me, they know everything there
is to know, they've taken my boobs, my hair, my uterus and 100's of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour, today instead of anxiety meds I am going to read my scriptures while I wait, it worked.  After an hour and a half of scripture study they called me back for the procedure.  I really like Dr. Freeman, the procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but lets face it no one likes to be poked and prodded with needles.  I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today I am  tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO.  Even as I type that out I feel guilty for feeling that way, I have so much to be grateful for, I am pretty darn blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when there are so many people struggling today at Mayo.