Dr. Paul Magtibay Phone Call

Anticipating a phone call from Dr. Paul Magtibay's office today, I woke up with a little anxiety and decided I would not wait and just call them myself.  His nurse said "oh Dr. Magtibay just asked me to call you, he wants to see you on Dec. 28th"  DEC 28th ?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (That's not what I said, it's just what I thought.)  She said that he was in surgery all day and is leaving for a week long vacation, but wants to see me as soon as possible when he gets back.   We scheduled it, and when I hung up I told Eric "that's good right?" we both decided to let it go for now, I don't want to think about the VILLAIN, I know for a FACT that is not possible for me, but I can sure try to put it aside, last year I was so sick at Christmas, this year we are looking forward to Family, Friends, Food and FUN .... how's that for getting all those
"F words in?"  Kaitlyn and Brian are moving here from Utah on MONDAY..... can you see my smile? It's huge, I'm so happy, next Christmas all my children will be HOME, now that is something to look forward to.

Am I Selfish?🚩

When all the world is spinning around me and I feel like I cannot get a grip on reality, I kneel and pray for strength, most of the time I do this in my son's bedroom.  I think I choose his room because he is on a mission right now serving the Lord and I feel not only closer to him, but also closer to my HeavenlyFather.

I think any mother who says sending a son off on a mission is easy ..... is a lot more spiritual than I am, I think 2 years is a very long time to be away from Blake-oh how I miss his sweet smile and awesome hugs. I am feeling so un-easy this last week and have really had to dig deep inside my heart and soul, finding some peace has been difficult at times, and other times I feel on top of the world.  The villain can rob a person of so much, just by the mere mention of cancer.  Anticipating my Mayo Appointments today has completely consumed my thoughts,  I don't want to have Uterine Cancer, is that selfish of me?  I seem to remember me saying a few months ago "why not me?"  I know I can't take that back, and it makes me wonder what more I could of possibly done to prevent this from happening?   I have done everything the oncologist asked me to do, I cut sugar, processed food, and white flours from my diet, I faithfully take my medicine and listen to my body for signs.  NO REGRETS has been mine and Eric's motto, and I don't think I have any, I do wish I was able to serve others more and give back to so many who are in special need.   The people who have followed my story on this blog and left me special messages, have no idea what those mean to me.  Tracey Simas, Nicole Barney, Michelle Menden, Patti, Robin, Jenster, Tamy Scheurn, Wendi Sunderhaus, Willi Nixon,  Sammy, Marilyn, Shannon Williams,  Dena Weech, Linda Bennett, Trystan, Loretta,  Jen Frost, Norm and Sue Watkins, Emily Brinton, Kathy Nielsen, Estee, Natalie, Sandy, GS, Sara, Carla, Courtney, Sonya, Kris, Katitlyn, Kayla, Teri, Tawny, Melody, Kristi, Kit, Krystal, Erica, Lorie, Angela and so many emails that I receive each week from women all over the country, encouraging and helping, we were never meant to carry the burdens on our own, and where there is fear love will take control and lead you forward, even in my deepest darkest nights and days I have felt this from all of you, thank you so much, I pray for you all.  Tonight as I was trying to get some perspective I decided to read back through some of my old blogs, and when reading your comments it brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I am surrounded by woman who know... woman who know when another sister needs a lift or a brighter view, you are the ones who give me HOPE on days when I feel my soul needs to be still.  I wonder if it's ok to feel scared?  Once you have been given the diagnosis of breast cancer  and then after long hard months of fighting the cancer with chemo and radiation, I some how expected them to say "you're done, the villain has left and you have won your battle"  when I was told that I am not cancer free, it was discouraging but I  decided to do everything I could so I would have no regrets, I want to do everything right.  Now having the oncologist tell me this could be Uterine Cancer,  it is a weary unexplainable feeling.

Mayo Clinic Specialty Building 8:45 am I saw Doctor Kreymerman this morning, he said everything looks good, of course it does, I have the best Doctor on the Planet remember?  I also gave him his Christmas/Hanukkah gift ....  a tie, same thing I gave him last year.  What do you give a doctor? He is so sweet it is getting closer to the time we are going to have to end our patient/Doctor relationship, I will miss him the most.  I will always be eternally grateful to him and Heather for the love, compassion and support they have given me this past year and half.  PK made me promise him today that I would do everything Doctor Magibay tells me to do. I then told PK I don't want to have a hysterectomy, he looked at me and said my promise to him trumps that.  This would not be a true post it I didn't say once again I Love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.

Now I am waiting to be called back for my ultra sound, Doctor Magtibay ordered it last week, my bladder is so full I need to pee so badly but I can't until after the exam.  I glance over at the RESTROOMS and decide I need to reposition my body so I don't have a birds eye view of the women's bathroom it just makes me want to go more.  There is no one in this waiting room under the age of 70, except for lil ol me.  I can't help but hear the conversations going on all around me, this is what I heard while I waited:

man 1: "oh, I hated radiation" 

man2:  "my prostate is on overload right now"

woman: "yeah, I got a UTI and was put on meds right away"

man 3: "you should of seen my wife, 2 weeks ago she started chemo it's gonna kill her, I just know it, but the doc he won't listen to me"

at this point I'm thinking "please don't ask me anything, please just don't make eye contact, I don't want to engage in conversation today, I just want to be entertained"

Lucky me my name was called over the load speaker and off I went with my full bladder ready to burst. I had 3 different types of ultra sounds today, 1st one checking my ovaries looking on the outside, just like if you had an ultra sound when your are pregnant, the 2nd one was more invasive, and the 3rd even more invasive using a probe to get 3D pictures of my uterus and ovaries.  It was a little uncomfortable but did not hurt.  Now I wait to hear back from Doctor Magtibay.

Happy Birthday Recker ♥

Dec 14th, 2009

Spring 2010

So Serious

Recker and BonBon

Birthday Cake ..Roberts Catering

Eating Cake is so much Fun

Grandad-Recker-BonBon

Little Help From Grandad

Today is our sweet grand baby's 1st birthday.  It's hard to believe a year has gone by so quickly.  I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it.   Heavenly Father knew that our family needed this Innocent  spirit in our home to refine us and make us laugh, and boy has he done that.  Happy Birthday sweet boy, BonBon loves you so much.

I ♥ Dr. Peter Kreymerman ..🚩

I wrote this while waiting at Mayo to go back to surgery with Dr. Peter Kreymerman.

Mayo Clinic, Dec. 9th, 2010.

We arrived on the 2nd floor checked in and we are now waiting, seems like it takes forever for each name to be called.  I really hate this part, but knowing Dr. Peter Kreymerman is in the building and is going to grace me with his presence soon, gives me some comfort.  Poor Eric, once again on his "day off" he is sitting with me in the Mayo Clinic, about to see his wife wheeled into an O.R., hoping all will go well once again.

Today is a busy day in the Mayo Hospital, people waiting to get word from surgeons about their loved ones---- whoa....not trying to judge anyone but a lady sitting close to me has black Capri's on and her leg hair is the longest black hair I have ever seen on a woman-even in Paris it was not this bad-I wonder what her underarms look like? OK gotta get my mind somewhere else, that was gross ....all of a sudden I wonder did I shave my legs? Who cares? Dr. Peter Kreymerman loves me, hairy or not, and I know for sure my legs don't look like that, for one thing mine is blond hair, I reach down and rub my legs --woo hoo--smooth as silk--Seriously?? am I honestly occupying my thoughts  as I wait with hairy legs?

I watch as doctors come into the waiting room and escort loved ones to a private room where they will discuss their surgery.  Eric and Dr. PK will do that in  a few hours, I really want to go home today so I need to pray that my bladder works -

Trystan has called me a bazillion times, telling me jokes and trying to make me laugh, it works, she always makes me laugh.

They just called my name and off I will go into the prep room to wait for Dr. PK.  This next part is all written from memory.  The nurse tells me to put on a robe with the opening in the back,  when I'm all settled in and ready to go, Dr. Peter Kreymerman comes in to grace me, I love him.   We joke and laugh a little, then it's time for me to go to the O.R. the last thing I remember is seeing those huge lights above my head and thinking, soon my body is going to be exposed for all the O.R. people to see, good thing I left my underwear on. 

The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery a couple hours later, and with no underwear on.... seriously?  They took off my underwear?  Good thing I trust Dr. PK.

I'm spending the night here, my bladder is not cooperating, I really thought I would go home tonight, but in the back of my head I wondered why this time would be different than other surgeries.  Eric waited for me to fall asleep then he went home I think the nurse said it was around 2:30 am.  Friday morning, Dr. Kreymerman and Heather came to visit me, and I am still having problems, he tells me that if my bladder is not working by the evening then I will have to go home with a foley and they will take it out on Wednesday when I have my follow up----- OH NO WAY am I going home with a foley.  Finally later in the day my bladder works, but I am extremely nauseated, I was given something for the nausea and I am finally able to sleep a little. Around 6:00 pm Dr. Kreymerman and Heather show up, they look well dressed and Dr. PK even has on the tie I bought him for Christmas last year.  He tells me because of the nausea they are going to keep me one more night.  Saturday morning comes and goes, I seem to be a little better, at least my bladder is working now, but the nausea is still here.  I can go home and have nausea so I decide not to tell them about it, I also start to bleed but decide they don't need to know about that either.  I was released from the hospital and I think I got home around 1:00 pm. Just in time for Recker's birthday party.

I need Your Prayers !!🚩

Went to see Dr. Magtibay a few days before my surgery with Dr. PK ..... not such a good experience.1st off I really, really like him, he is soft spoken and compassionate.   He wanted to do a biopsy of my Uterus, I agreed and this is how it went:

Stirrups - yay

Relax- impossible

Insertion of needle - Yikes

"You may feel some pain" ----- wholly cow did I

Throw Up-

Fainting-

He had to quit the exam because I was in too much pain, my cervix is scarred shut from all of the other surgeries I have had. He was so sweet, got me a bottle of water and sat and talked to me for a bit.   There is a possibility I have Uterine Cancer, and because they cannot do the biopsy I will have an ultra sound next week, he wants to look at my ovaries too, then,  he and I will meet again for my options.  I have known from the beginning that the risk of me getting Uterine Cancer is very high, however, I was willing to take the chance it would not invade my life once again.  My doctors have been honest with me, and have explained that I am not cancer free, I realize this, and still there is a calm and peaceful feeling I have.  I can still say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now.

That night I decided to go to the church for the Woman's Christmas Celebration- (RS) I was so overwhelmed when I walked in, my mind was flooded with memories of last year... I went to the Christmas Celebration for the 1st time being seen with no hair, I still remember the scarf I wore and feelings of vulnerability. Now,  I have a little bit of my hair back, but  some of the feelings are the same,  vulnerability  is soon  replaced with the feelings of Love that I know those ladies all have for me, and I for them.  It's amazing how much you can change your perspective and recognize good hearted people when you are being served, and when you have the opportunity to serve others.  "We are the hands of Heaven on Earth." It is our responsibility to serve and comfort others, I so need to be better at that.

I really need to look up for some comfort, please pray for me.  I have a lot of faith not only in my doctors but in the Lord, he is trying to teach me something, my spirit sometimes fades, but my ears are listening for answers to prayers.  The Lord is Good and continues to bless us with his love.

CORRECTION

THE SURGERY I AM HAVING TOMORROW IS NOT A HYSTERECTOMY ..... THAT WOULD BE WITH DR MAGTIBAY..... TOMORROW I AM WITH DR. PETER KREYMERMAN FOR SOME MORE RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman Back In Surgery🚩

Tomorrow I will meeting with Dr. Peter Kreymerman in a Mayo O.R. for yet another surgery.  If it wasn't for the fact that I know he cares about me, and that I will always think he is the best doctor on the planet, I might be a little scared, but I'm good this time.  I have so much to blog about with my appointment I had with Dr. Magtiby today, but my mind will not let me wander over there quite yet. I need a few days to process it all.  I will again be asking for prayers to be with me and my family right now.
I report to the Mayo Clinic Hospital at 11 am on Thursday. 

Dr. Paul Magtibay Mayo Clinic🚩

Ok so I've been putting off blogging about this, but now I feel like I need to.  The past few months I have been experiencing some extreme pain, like being in labor,  a couple of times I even fainted and or threw up, the pain does not go away like it would if you were having your period.  Which by the way, I am not supposed to be having because chemo killed my ovaries and I am in POST menopause, remember Mr. Hotflash?  he's been on vacation for a little while now.  I am taking a estrogen blocker, but I think it's not working.
I also have been bleeding really, really bad.   I have not wanted to face it, so I just don't talk about it, like that is going to make it go away.... right?  The truth is I'm scared, I don't want to go through any more, I'm so done, the VILLAIN took my breasts and now my other parts that are feminine are being compromised because I refuse to get treatment that is needed.   I feel like I would rather be in the pain then go through another surgery, however, I know the high risk I am at because of having breast cancer and I know that I cannot ignore it any longer.   I will be seeing Dr. Paul M. Magtibay tomorrow he is also at Mayo Clinic. Let's hope I love him as much as I love Dr.Kreymerman.

Warriors🚩

Who are the warriors in your life?   What is a warrior?    Webster has this to say about Warriors.......

war·rior

 noun, often attributive 
\ˈwȯr-yər, ˈwȯr-ē-ər, ˈwär-ē- also ˈwär-yər\

Definition of WARRIOR

: a man engaged or experienced in warfare; broadly : a person engaged in some struggle or conflict

I have been thinking about this word WARRIOR for a few weeks now. Athletes are sometimes referred to as warriors when they put it all on the line to win, sometimes at any cost.  The media has made some celebrities out to be WARRIORS, people in our lives who we can look up to or admire for their fight to get where they are today.  Going to battle is what you may think of, that huge big WARRIOR standing up for what they believe 

This is what I have decided, It's not about how much money you make or have, it's not about who you know or where you live.  It's all about how much love you have in your heart, it matters.  The person who struggles everyday to make enough money to feed their family, is a WARRIOR.  The people who share what they have with the less fortunate are WARRIORS.  The single mothers striving to raise beautiful, compassionate children, you are  WARRIORS. The father and mother who no matter what type of day they have had bring their family together every night and kneel for family prayer, they are WARRIORS. 

 Most WARRIORS don't know they are, they make life easier for those around them without any effort.  I've come to see people in a different light, most people are good and want to share, most of us want to become WARRIORS. I love Webster's 2nd example of a WARRIOR  "a person engaged in some struggle or conflict"  do you know anyone in your life without struggle or conflict?  I don't, WE ARE ALL WARRIORS in our own right.

Ditch the Bra🚩

Funny story, when I went to the Mayo Clinic on Monday one of my appointments I had to remove my clothes and put on the ugly robe.  When I was finished with my tests, I stepped behind the curtain pulled it shut but was kinda waiting for the technician to leave and she never did, so I hurriedly got dressed, I kept thinking she was going to pull back the curtain or try taking a little peeky peek .. ha ha anyway I said good-bye to her and drove home, all day I kept thinking WOW I love this sports bra I just picked up at FOREVER 21 In Scottsdale (the only store that carries them in AZ) I kept thinking it was so comfortable it almost feels like I don't have one on..... well turns out.... I didn't have one on .... when I changed that night into my nightgown I realized I had forgotten my bra at the Mayo and had not been wearing one for the rest of the day, all day I thought it was so comfortable ..... IT WAS because I didn't have one on.   Yes, people I am a true blonde, I must of had a little brain fart, or it was chemo brain, or maybe it was my subconscious saying "ditch the bra already girl"