Monya Moments

MRI

2012-01-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

I spent the day in a gown at the Mayo Clinic today. Pretty proud of myself, I didn't have to take any anti anxiety medicine to get me through. Good news, my insurance is still going to cover me at Mayo--YAY.
Tonight, I'm in some pain. The process was not what I was prepared for, they have to inject some dye into the area around the bone, the contrast helps them see what is going on in my hip bone. I really liked the doctor, he explained each step of the way what he was doing. They numb the area first, then inject the dye, he told me to let him know if I had any pain. Then..... he hit my hip bone twice with the needle--OUCH--
After talking to me about side effects, the nurse got me off the table and told me to walk down the hall for the MRI. There was a strange feeling in my leg, probably because it was numb.
They took me immediately in for the MRI. Oh no, I remember this machine. I asked if I could listen to some music, being so claustrophobic I was afraid of having a panic attack. For the next 45 minutes I listened to the Eagles, and suffered through the pounding noises of the incredible MRI machine.
As I sit here, in my bedroom, I can't help but think "when is this going to end?" I rub my hand over my port and wonder if I will ever be free of this VILLAIN or the side effects.

Never Forget

2012-01-29T17:52:00.001-07:00

I found this quote lying on the floor of the chapel this morning.

Never forget in the darkness, what you have learned in the light--

There is a transformation that occurs sometimes when people go through a life altering experience in their lives. For me it started instantly, when I was diagnosed, on the way home I remember thinking "nothing else matters right now, nothing !!" when my brother died, I thought the same thing--I knew my life was going to change, what I didn't know at that time was how much. Before cancer I was arrogant to think that I could never be touched by the VILLAIN, after all I was healthy right? My life was happy, nothing needed changing, I liked my life the way it was. Little did I know, I had so much to learn, I still have so much to learn.

My priorities changed quickly, along with the emotional turmoil came the realization that I was fragile, and frightened. I've always known God lives, even though I was raised in a confusing atmosphere I learned to rely on the Lord and HE always blessed me with light. How grateful I am for the knowledge of prayer, faith and hope. Giving in to the fear and allowing myself to be vulnerable has been the best blessing of all. I've learned that happiness is so much more infinite and real than I could ever imagined.

Recker's Rules

2012-01-27T09:44:00.002-07:00

Eric and I bought a trampoline for Christmas, we know how much Recker loves jumping on the little one he has in his room. When we purchased it we had no idea what a BIG hit it would be with the entire family, but especially with Recker. Every time he walks through the front door of my house, he starts grabbing hands to lead him outside. He has rules however, and you must follow them.

1. you have to be on the tramp with him-----

2. you are not allowed to sit down or slow down-----

Celebration

2012-01-23T18:10:00.001-07:00

Today, is a good day--my new friend rang the bell for his last radiation treatment--whoo hoo. When I walked into the waiting area and saw all the blue balloons and people, it put a smile in my heart, they were all there for him. There is something beautiful about having loving, supportive people in your life. For cancer patients it gives them HOPE, and FAITH in their future, that love is what gets them through one more round of chemo, one more port access, another day of hovering over a toilet. For me, I love to have family around, keeping connected with them gives me pleasure, and I just want to cultivate it while I can, enjoy every moment I have. I will forever look at family and close friends differently than I ever have in my life.

As I sat and watched and observed this huge support system he has, it reconfirmed to me how vitally important it is to nurture good relationships, be kind to everyone who is in your life, and those who are passing through, tell the people in your life how much you love them, how much you appreciate them. Hold on to good memories and cherish the happy times. What a happy time for this guy and his family. I KNOW he will remember this day and hopefully it will bring him comfort on a day when he feels alone or scared--Thank you for inviting me to share in this moment with you and your loved ones.

Porche or Pinto

2012-01-22T13:22:00.001-07:00

The past couple of days have been rough, not a lot of sleep, insomnia is kicking me in the behind. It's the worst feeling to be up all night, staring at the ceiling, knowing in just a couple hours I have to get up and go to work. Part of the reason for this besides the obvious hormonal, cancer crap, is I just realized that Us Airways has changed our insurance carriers, and I may not be able to go to Mayo Clinic anymore--when I opened the envelope and read it, I literally wanted to throw up, I felt sick. Eric had just got home from work when I was reading the mail, I asked Blake to please go get him, when he came down stairs I asked him to read it too, he read it, and read it and then read it again, the next couple of hours I tried to find out some information but of course the offices are closed until Monday--I was watching Recker he was a great distraction, he and I jumped on the trampoline together, I had to keep saying to myself "it's OK, whatever happens, you can't control this, so just go with whatever happens" yeah right, this means no more Dr. Northfelt, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Freeman, Dr. Kreymerman, MaryAnn Forrett,, and all the wonderful people who have touched my life and been with me from the beginning of my journey. I could not get my mind off of it, I watched a movie with Recker on my bed, he makes me laugh and takes everything away just for a little bit--I loved that time with him, as soon as he fell asleep on my chest, I laid him next to me and just stared at him--he is so perfect, so untouched by the worries of the world.
Needless to say Eric and I were up all night worrying about this insurance thing, I went down stairs and laid on the sofa, it wasn't long before he was sitting next to me. I love Eric, he looked at me and said "no matter what I want you to be at Mayo Clinic with your doctors, I will make it happen" I told him it's not fair, it's not that I think Mayo Clinic is superior to any other facility, it's just that those are MY people, they are the ones who I cried with, the doctors I love and who I feel love me and know me. I will never share with any other doctors what I shared with Dr. Kreymerman and Dr. Magtibay they know a part of my life that I have never shared with anyone else, except Eric. I was so upset I looked at Eric and said "it's like driving a Porche and then all of sudden being told you have to drive a Pinto, but you are going to have to pay more for it. He looked at me and responded "yes sweetheart, but you still have a car"

No, you have a nice day !

2012-01-21T12:30:00.001-07:00

OK so the other day someone said to me "have a nice day" and for some reason it kinda slapped me in the face ...I wondered how many times in a day we say that phrase without even really putting any thought into it, so you know me? I decided to count how many times in one day I heard it. I heard people say "have a nice day" at least 40 times in one day, I said it to over 35 people. I kept a little tally in my head, I know the number was higher for how many times I said it because I was at work and I found myself saying it to every single person I talked to on the phone. Not that saying it is a bad thing, just wondering how many times we say things without putting any heart into it.

When Eric and I were a young married couple with 2 children, I remember how much I loved our bishop's wife, she was from Japan. I learned so much from her, one time she told me that Americans are in so much of a hurry to get somewhere that they don't take the time to really listen to each other. I asked her what she meant by that, and she said when she moved to the USA she had to teach herself how to learn English, she learned from watching TV.... (how scary is that?) as she began to interact with other women she said she noticed how we all would say "hey how you doing?" but not stop to hear what the answer was, we would just continue down the aisle at the grocery store, church or work, it really bothered her. I have thought about that so many times since then, wondering how many times I have done that to people. None of us mean to not listen, maybe it's a cultural thing.

OK, so while I was doing my little experiment one of the stops on my list was the FedEx store to mail a package. There was this man in the line in front of me trying to get a package mailed, the beautiful African American girl behind the counter helping him was one of the most patient people I have ever seen. This guy asked her how she was going to guarantee him that his package would get to its destination without being broken or destroyed, she then asked him if he would like to purchase some additional insurance on his package, I will never forget what he said to her...and I will add that his tone of voice was very condescending and sarcastic.

"listen up that is not what I asked you, I know from the color of your skin and by the fact that you are working at a FedEx you probably are having a hard time understanding me, but just answer the question. Am I supposed to tell my friends who are expecting this package when it doesn't show up that the FedEx Chick told me it would get there, sorry?"

Whoa, as fast as lightening the manager came out of the back room and my head swirled around like a person with whiplash, he did not just say that. He stood staring her down as if trying to intimidate her as much as possible, she just smiled handed him his receipt and said "have a nice day" before the manager or myself could say a word he turned around headed out the door and said with a smirk on his face "no, you have a nice day" She looked at me smiled and said "how can I help you?" the manager and I both looked at each other in disbelief, I told her how sorry I was that he had just treated her the way he did, she didn't say much just smiled thanked me and said "have a nice day" WoW what a day for me to try out the "have a nice day" experiment.

I walked out of the FedEx feeling really bad for that young girl, I hope she realizes how beautiful she is and that no one should be allowed to talk her the way he did.

A tearful day Volunteering

2012-01-18T21:05:00.001-07:00

Before I get started on everything I experienced today while volunteering today, I wanted to just give a little update about my health. I'm feeling good, except for that annoying spot on my hipbone. After I received the cortisone shot from Dr. Freeman I honestly thought all would be well in my little world for a while. The pain has not subsided it continues to get worse, last week Eric and I were at a wedding reception and I could barely walk without him helping me out to the car. Needless to say, I contacted Dr. Freeman's office and he has ordered more tests on my hip, when I know more I will let you know.

Mr. Sweet ringing the bell

This is the team Kaleb, Cammi, Mr. Sweet, Teddy and Tracy
there is something special about each one of them

Mr. Sweet gave me a hug on his way out

I look forward to Wednesdays when I get to volunteer in the radiation/oncology department, today was no exception. Upon arriving I looked at the schedule, one new patient and two who were going to get to ring the bell today--which means it is the last day of radiation treatment. Today as Mr. Sweet was waiting for his final treatment he and I had a really good talk, he's had a rough time of it, none of his family lives close by so he comes to treatment by himself. He told me he has a home in Rocky Point, on the water we found out through our conversation that he eats at Sally's all the time, it is one of our favorite places to eat when we go to Rocky Point. Mr. Sweet, made me tear up today when he said good-bye to all the nurses and techs on his radiation team, he talked about how special they have made his experience and with tears in his eyes he said his good-byes.

Mr. Fimbres and Me

I look forward every week to seeing this guy, Mr. Fimbres is a special man, very happy and positive about life. I don't know how many times I have said this on my blog but I am a firm believer that people come into our lives for a reason, and I know today I was supposed to sit and talk with Mr. Fimbres. Without going into details, we talked about the relationship between the caregiver and the patient while going through this journey. I explained to him how many emotions I went through when I was first diagnosed but how hard it was to find anyone to talk to who truly knew what I was feeling, when I would see Eric crying it would break my heart because I didn't know how to console or help him plus deal with all of my own medical issues. Eric and I decided from the beginning that he did not understand what I was going through as a cancer patient and I have never been a caregiver so I had no idea what he was feeling either, we agreed that our perspectives were going to be completely different as we each went down our journey together with the VILLAIN. Mr. Fimbres started to tear up as I relived these memories with him, I started to tear up knowing he was experiencing some of this. He has an enormous amount of love for his wife and children, does not want them to worry or be frightened. I think for men when the diagnosis of cancer shatters their life, the emotions are about fear of taking care of their family, the stress is enormous. Talking to Mr. Fimbres today opened my eyes (even if a little watery) to the fact that although he and I have different types of cancers, the communication we share with our spouses is the same. Cancer will definetely test your faith and can cause anxiety and stress in a relationship, the key is being able to rely on the other person for strength and an anchor for the days when you need lifting up, whether you are the care-giver or the patient. There are days when the caregiver needs taken care of too. Thank you Mr. Fimbres for coming into my life these past couple of weeks, you are stronger than you think and can do hard things. God Bless you and your sweet family.

Mayo Clinic Symposium Living with Cancer

2012-01-17T17:49:00.002-07:00

Do normal people go to cancer symposiums on their birthday? That answer would be.... Probably NOT. Me, I'm not your average normal person, it was exactly what I wanted to do and I'm so glad I did. Knowledge is empowering I want to soak in every bit of information I can about the VILLAIN in me, is it possible for he and I to live together without recurrence on his part? After listening to all the incredible doctors at Mayo Clinic, I walked away feeling like I'm in complete control of life and whether or not the cancer comes back in days, months or years I have no regrets.

I was fortunate to hear from all of my personal doctors at the symposium. I'm really not a person who normally likes to sit and listen to lectures, however, this was close to my heart and I didn't want it to end--the information I got was invaluable for me. There is something to be said about sitting in a room full of cancer patients and their care-givers. When we broke out into our disease specific sessions, Dr. Northfelt said he wanted it to be more of an informal session and allow patients and care-givers to ask questions. Dr. Pockaj is the surgeon who performed my mastectomy she spoke 1st, one of the most important things I took away from her speech was that 35% of patients find their own lumps by doing regular breast self exams-- I am a firm believer and endorse this frequently on my FB page. I was told one time that a doctor told a patient she does not need to be doing her BSE because they are ineffective--- I'd say 35% is a significant percentage so I will continue to endorse. The other thing I learned is that after a bi-lateral mastectomy (which is what I had) there is no need for mammograms.

Dr. Michelle Halyard was my radiation/oncologist she spoke next--I loved all she had to say and it confirmed to me that every fear, anxiety, memory loss, insomnia, pain, joint muscle fatigue and loss of appetite is normal. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was NORMAL-- well at least when it comes to being a cancer patient--I can't get anyone else to tell me I'm a normal person in "real life"

Next up was Dr. Northfelt, it's no surprise that I have not been happy about the fact that I do not really get to see him--I have been looking for another oncologist--Not all cancer patients feel the way I do--I am someone who NEEDS to see her oncologist at least once a year, and I have asked for this but been told that because Dr. Northfelt is also the lead oncologist for Mayo Clinic he is very busy and has administrative responsibilities too. He is a wonderful Dr. I remember the 1st time I met him I felt so comfortable, he made me feel good about my diagnosis and gave me hope for my future--I loved that he was my doctor--after talking to other cancer patients, not necessarily from Mayo Clinic, I have discovered that they all see their oncologist--I know patients who are just fine with seeing the PA (physicians assistant) they don't want to bother with the doctor, or that seeing the doctor creates anxiety or unwanted fear--I AM NOT THAT PATIENT--seeing him continues to give me hope, helps me to feel like he is completely on the same page with me and that he knows who I am, I'm not asking for much just once a year, as much as I am at Mayo that is fair--right?
OK so back to Dr. Northfelt-- before the break out session started he approached me and thanked me for the tie I gave him for Christmas--I was shocked that he even knew who I was, but gave me comfort knowing he did. He lectured about health and fitness--but before he started he said something that brought tears to my eyes, he said that a patient he had not seen for awhile had just told him she had decided to see a different oncologist and that Dr. Northfelt was not providing her with the care she needed. He seemed really sad about this information, it touched my heart and brought me to tears. This is the reason I wanted him specifically for my oncologist, he has a heart. What I took from his lecture is that I am doing everything he asked me to do, he talked about the book Anti Cancer, he again confirmed to me that cutting out sugars, fats and having regular exercise in a daily routine will help lower the risks of recurrence--walking at a natural pace 3 hours a week also reduce the risk of Breast Cancer relapse. I'm in check with all he suggested, I know if my cancer returns I did all I could do--NO REGRETS.

Maryann Forrett is the PA for Dr. Northfelt she spoke next--her subject was intimacy and sex during and after cancer treatments--kinda an embarrassing subject to talk about but she was eloquent and touched on everything that I had questions about--I did raise my hand and ask a few questions--I prefaced my question by saying "I know you all have had sex and you all want to ask what I am about to say but are too embarrassed so hear goes" and I asked my questions, I don't really feel comfortable sharing those on my blog, in that room though it was OK because if there is one thing I have learned all breast cancer patients share a bond, an understanding of the changes that occur in your life while going through such a difficult time. Intimacy for so many patients changes, for breast cancer patients especially, for the obvious reasons your body has now changed, I don't care how much you love and trust your spouse or significant other the fact is there are scars YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT and exposing that vulnerable part of who you are, as a woman, can truly be devastating. When I had my mastectomy I did not want Eric in the room at the hospital I asked Dr. Kreymerman to have him leave the room while he examined me, I know it hurt him I could see it in his eyes, I knew he loved me, that was not the problem, I didn't want him to see what I could barely look at--it took me weeks, maybe months before I would allow him to see me--that moment when I allowed him to see what I could barely stand to look at in the mirror was an intimate moment for both of us--intimacy is so much more than sex.
For the not so obvious reasons, an estrogen fed cancer changes everything, it is a part of what makes women sexually function correctly, and for me estrogen has to be blocked with medicine--the side effects for these medicines are a list I don't even want to bore you with--it's awful to not have control over how our bodies function, Heavenly Father created us perfectly and when something is missing or not working it all goes to heck--hot flashes, anxiety, depression and a low libido are part of that.

Pauline Lucas who was my physical therapist had a quote that I love "Believe in Life, In Your Life" she spoke about meditation, health and fitness. I love her, she was such an inspiration to me and I loved having my sessions with her--I miss her.

Overall, I learned to live for today--celebrate TIME, and hold on to all the good memories, make connections with people be meaningful, remember good and fun memories and write them down to reflect back on days when you need to be uplifted. Find something to laugh about everyday, it's the best medicine. My quality of life depends on ME and me only, it's all about quality not quantity.
These are my four F's
FAITH
FAMILY
FRIENDS
FUN
if anyone is having a difficult time with any of these, its time to reevaluate and rediscover who and what are important to you.

Happy Birthday to Me 2012

2012-01-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

I ♥ Recker

I only have one more year in my forties, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. When, and how did that happen? Five minutes ago I was 19 years old dating the love of my life and thinking anyone over the age of 30 was old, and definitely anyone over 50 was ready for the grave. Boy, oh boy how perspectives change. Today I turned 49, I spent the day at a Mayo Clinic cancer symposium in Scottsdale. Eric surprised me with a night at the Westin in the Kierlands, this is where the symposium was held. I know it sounds strange that I would want to spend my birthday listening to Doctors talk about cancer, but it really is what I wanted to do--I will post more about that later. I was privileged to have lunch with my sweet friend Heather Lucas, I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, I met Heather because I was undergoing cancer treatments she has become more than a medical care giver she has become a life time friend, I care and love her very much.

The best part of my day was coming home and jumping on our trampoline with Recker--he loves me, I have the hardest time explaining what my heart feels for that little guy--he smiles so big with his teeth showing and I can't help but laugh and squeeze him--he takes my hand and leads me outside to the tramp then climbs up on it, and grabs my hand to lead me on with him. Just the act of leading me and guiding me is such an accomplishment for him, but more than that I love all that he has taught me about patience, and listening with my heart. I'm convinced that unconditional LOVE is a gift from above. Happy Birthday to Me.

Welcome 2012

2012-01-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year we look back and respect, have respect for TIME, where we've been and where we want to be. I do anyway--I have so much to learn and so many ways I need to improve--I need to have these evaluations, they help me to search within myself and find the Monya I want to be, not the Monya the world expects me to be.

In 2011 I learned it's OK to admit when I'm scared, I learned this from my daughter Kayla, when she explained to me how odd I acted when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Any person who has had a serious illness can understand what I am about to say--and to the rest I hope you can respect it. The experience can be very lonely, it can strip you of your dignity, emotionally drain you and leave you feeling depressed and loaded with anxiety--I'm not sure why this happens but it is normal, I was NORMAL. However, I will say this.... the more you are surrounded with family and people who love you, I mean really, really love you the more connected you feel, the more you want to fight. Even if you have to give up your lifestyle from "before cancer" as a patient you need to feel like you are part of the CLUB-the club where all the living are--it helps to hear and see lives moving forward and progressing--I guess what I'm trying to say is I get scared but I don't let fear rule my life.

In 2011 my son Blake taught me, he taught me I can do hard things..we all can accomplish hard things. I think I thought my battle with cancer ended when I finished chemo and radiation, actually that was only the beginning, it was a huge hurdle to get over and I seriously thought I had won. The headaches, the back and hip pain, nausea, insomnia, injections, viles of blood taken, procedures, scans and all the other physical pains are just minor battles, I have learned to devote what strength I have to the most important things of life, having meaningful relationships with my family, my husband, children and those who care. Journaling feelings, thoughts and desires are important for my family and heritage to read after I am gone. My son is an incredible example to me of someone who knows the importance of these things, he lived without a hug from his mom for 2 years, he devoted all he could to the people of the Dominican Republic he conquered and returned with honor, I am grateful for all he has taught me.
This past year I learned to laugh, the importance of it. Laughter is a life pleasure, I love to see Recker laugh, especially when all his teeth show, I can't help but laugh too. No matter what is happening in life, there are still plenty of reasons to laugh, I hope I never let a time pass when given the opportunity to laugh, don't let those times pass--reach out and grab them, laugh with all your heart.
I spent New Year's Eve and day with Recker, Kayla, Jeremy, Blake and Chloe, kind of a last minute decision we are in Mexico. I am grateful today for a new year, new goals and the opportunity to learn from what I have experienced. It's exciting to look ahead, not knowing what this new year will bring. I am dedicated to a new year of learning, giving and sharing--I want to make a difference in the life of someone this year--

The lady in the waiting room

2011-12-28T21:33:00.002-07:00

Wednesday is my MD Anderson volunteer day, I just got home, what an emotional day today. Both vaults were open which means lots of patients today. When I arrived they were really busy so I started right in. as I walked towards the waiting room I wondered who I would meet today, anyone new, or smiling faces of patients from the past few weeks? I love the part when I get to interact with them before and after their treatments. One man who has been there the past 3 weeks is one third done with his treatments, he told me today that he has been married for 46 years, with a huge smile on his face he said "we must be doin' something right, right?"

The next patient was a man I had not seen before, he lives in Kansas and is here for the winter (most of these patients are snowbirds) he was darling and happy, I sat with his wife in the waiting area as she knitted a blanket we talked, I could see in her eyes that she was a woman who knows the important things in life, we talked in depth about her life. She lost her son in an accident when her grandson was only 5, and she and her husband raised this boy, she has been through 2 different bouts of cancer treatments with her husband, the 1st time it was prostate and now brain, somehow through all of these trials they have learned to keep on keeping' on, smile and take life one day at a time. What a pleasure it was to visit with her.

I heard one of the doctors come in and tell us that we were going to have to fit in a patient of his, he said "be prepared, she is not a happy person" I went back to the waiting area and sat to talk to a woman and her friend, she was being treated for rectal cancer, she wanted to tell me the whole story, I listened and learned and laughed she was really funny as we visited a woman came in the waiting area and sat down, I looked over at her and she was not happy, I realized she must be the "ONE" the one we were supposed to "be prepared for" when I told the techs she was waiting they told me to stay away from her and not make any contact with her. I continued to visit and talk to all the other patients who were waiting, each one touching my heart in a different way than the next, one could pull my heart strings and have me in tears, one would make me laugh, while others just wanted to be heard, all the while this woman sat in her chair with the worst scowl on her face, I wondered what it was that made her so unhappy....obviously the news of cancer is not going to make anyone jump up and down for joy, it certainly didn't have that effect on me or anyone else I knew who got that type of news, still I wondered if it was the cancer she was so angry about or was it just life in general? I watched her going in and out of the clinic for several hours, this was obviously the 1st day of many long days to come, never once did I see her even remotely try to smile or be kind to anyone she came in contact with. One of the doctors came into the waiting area to speak with her, she was abusive and rude beyond anything I had ever experienced, I tried to keep the other patients entertained, suddenly this woman broke down and started to cry, the doctor hugged her and took her into a more private setting so they could talk.

I realized later as I reflected on it that this woman was not an evil person, she just needed some time to internalize everything, she had no one with her, her reaction was to take it out on everyone else, I understand that, we all handle news like this differently, I feel so bad that I judged her. Watching this whole emotional roller coaster play out in front of my eyes took me back a little, my 1st reaction when I was told my diagnosis was shock, I had no emotion, Kayla told me recently that I acted like I had the flu, like it was no big deal. It's funny to hear it from someone else's perspective especially when its someone in your family, Kayla is my oldest daughter, now known as Recker's mom.

I will never forget the day I was diagnosed by Dr. Dayden at Desert Banner, Eric and I walked into a dark empty office on a Friday, I was upset because they had called and wanted to see me right away, which meant we had to end our Utah trip a day early in order to get home in time. We missed our 1st flight so I didn't have time to take Eric home he had to go with me, normally I wouldn't take him with me to a doctors appointment--on the airplane ride home I looked over at Eric and he was tearing up, I asked him what was wrong he said nothing was wrong, I figured he must be thinking about Blake leaving soon for his mission, those must be tears of happiness, after all this is what Blake wanted and we just wanted him to be happy. Eric was unusually quiet but I let him have his moment, even though I was so upset about having to take him with me to the doctor and even more upset when we walked into the office to find that Dr. Dayden's office is closed on Friday's, I checked in at the front desk paid my co-payment and told the nurse I could not believe they called us to come in on a day when the office is normally closed, the only reason I believed they did that was to collect my $40 co-payment, I remember her saying "the doctor will take you now" and she walked us into a room, I still had no idea or suspicion of the tsunami that was about to hit me and shatter my insides into a million pieces. I look over at Eric and he is sitting in chair still crying, I'm thinking "get over it, Blake is leaving for 2 years, stop being a baby" Little did I know my husband was more in tune with what was about to go down than I was.

I plunged myself up on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, when he walked through the door I expected to hear him say like so many times I had heard before "you have a few benign lumps we need to aspirate out" instead he walked in with my chart in his hand looked me straight in the eye and said "I'm sorry to tell you this but you have ductal carcinoma" my thoughts were "what the heck is ductal carcinoma?" I'm sure the dumb blank look on my face told him I had no idea what he was talking about, either that or I was in shock, so he pulled up a chair, turned over a piece of paper and began to draw a diagram of my breast and showed me the whole low down of what was going on and how he suggested treating this VILLAIN that had invaded my body. On our drive home, I called all the kids and told them to meet at our house for a family meeting. I spit the words out "I have cancer" Kayla and Jeremy had no idea what to say, both with tears in their eyes gave me a hug and went home, Haleigh went to her room probably not knowing what just hit her, Kaitlyn was living in Utah so was told over the phone, at the time I thought she was handling the news really well, later found out it was harder on her than I thought. Blake was at the airport on his way to Utah to see Lecith (his girlfriend at the time) I asked him to come home so we could talk but he wanted me to tell him over the phone, I remember him being really upset with me, he thought I had kept this information from the family on purpose, when I told him I just found out an hour ago he hung up and we did not hear from him for 5 days.

It took several weeks before I cried, before I allowed myself to process it all, I still find myself trying to process it, like today when I saw how this woman reacted. Everyone in my family processed the news differently, I think unless you have been told you have cancer or heard your spouse or mother/father has cancer you cant judge or know what or how you will react. I cant stop thinking about the lady in the waiting room, how is she breaking the news to her family tonight? I have an incredible headache, I may have to re-think if volunteering so soon after my diagnosis is a wise idea or not.

Bless You

2011-12-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

Giving more than I receive is so important and helps me to keep grounded and living in the real world. This is such a busy month for everyone, a few weeks ago I was finally approved and excepted as a volunteer at MD ANDERSON Cancer Center, my heart is with Mayo, however, this cancer center is only about a mile and a half from my home. I am working with patients in the radiation oncology department. I love working with people, however this has been a little more emotional than I had expected it to be. I have always said that people come into our lives for a reason, nothing is by luck or chance, the Lord puts people in our path to either help us or for us to help them. I'm not sure what I am going to learn from this volunteering experience but I can say that these people I am meeting are teaching me a lot more than I am teaching them. Wednesday I met a patient, she was there for her daily round of radiation, as I wheeled her from the waiting area to the radiation vault I told her we had saved the best patient for last, she laughed and said with a smile in her eyes, "bless you." I then told her I would be waiting outside the vault when she was finished to take her back to her son that was waiting, when she finished and came around the corner I was waiting, surprisingly she smiled really big and said "I'm so glad you are still here, I know you can't understand what I am going through but it helps to see your face before and after my radiation" as I wheeled her out she asked me about my family and my life, I told her about my 4 children, my sweet husband and where I live, she then asked me if I knew anyone who had ever had cancer.... not really prepared for that one I looked at her and said "I fought with the VILLAIN, in fact" I continued "I'm still battling with it, and the side effects" she had a shocked look on her face and replied "WHAT? you don't look like you have or had cancer, you're too young" we both laughed when I said "I know, I'm way to young, ha ha" deep in her eyes I could see she wanted to ask me more questions, I allowed the conversation and this is how it went

her: "may I ask you what type of cancer you have?
me: "breast cancer"
her: "did you have chemo and radiation?"
me: "I sure did, there is HOPE and an end to this madness I promise"
her: "I had stage 1 uterine cancer 5 years ago, had a hysterectomy and now its back, but I have never had to go through chemo, only radiation"
me: "well, you look beautiful and what a blessing to be alive and share Christmas with your son"

then this is what she said: "can I tell you a secret? I think the doctors like to leave a bit of cancer so they have some job security, it always comes back "....... and as she continued on with her story about her sister in law having some type of cancer and the doctors doing the same thing to her, my mind was wondering off as if I was in a tunnel, what the heck is she talking about? This conversation was not what I thought it was going to be, I snapped back into reality when she said "are you ok?" I must of looked a little puzzled because she was staring at me as if I was sick or something. The fact is I could not believe what she was saying, I, in no way feel the way she does, what a scary world to live in, if I thought for one second my doctors "left" some cancer behind, it would drive me crazy wondering when its coming back... I do enough worrying about my future, no thank you. My response to her was short and simple "I have faith in my doctors, I do all that I'm told to do and leave the rest to the Lord"
Then she said back to me "I wish I could have that kind of faith" "You can, you just need something or someone to believe in, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, I will see you next Wednesday" and with that being said, off she went. I'm learning to listen and communicate with this new volunteer position. I look forward to next Wednesday, I wonder who will be new, who will ring the bell for their last radiation appointment and who will touch my heart.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T20:59:00.001-07:00

Is there anything better than children at Christmas? I have so enjoyed Recker this year, he has the cutest personality, and a smile that will warm any heart. Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look a little scarce in some spots and I love it. He brings a special spirit into our home.

There are times when I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking. Autism, though sad in so many ways can also be very interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us, he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off of gluten and dairy, it seems to really make a difference in his moods and behavior. In my kitchen I have a candy jar with gluten free suckers, many times we will walk in the kitchen to find him staring up at the jar signing the word "PLEASE" how cute is he? He loves to watch Disney movies and sometimes will start laughing so hard we can't help but rewind over and over again to capture those moments. If there was only one wish I could have for this new year it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, maybe just say mom or dad those are easy right? I love to watch him as he plays alone, he babbles in a language only he understands, recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room he ran after me grabbed my hand and brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes, loves to play in them, and on them. I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist) He loved it, we also bought him a little motorcycle, what a smile he had on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home. This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Dr. David Servan Schreiber Dies

2011-12-19T10:54:00.002-07:00

Today I was searching on the Internet for some information about cancer, actually trying to find another book written by Dr. David Servan Schreiber, he wrote the ANTI CANCER a book I read shortly after getting out of radiation therapy. My research found that he had passed away in July 2011, just a few months ago. My heart hurt when I read this, his book has helped me to give up sugars, flours and preservatives for the past year and a half. I learned from him to live with NO REGRETS and this has been Eric and my theme for the past couple years. He lived much longer than he should have because he changed his way of eating, exercise and enviormental thinking.
This is the article I read about him:

Obituary: Dr. David Servan-Schreiber Empowered Cancer Patients

Dr. David Servan-Schreiber (CS’89,’90), who was awarded an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Carnegie Mellon’s commencement this past May, died of brain cancer on Sunday, July 24. He was 50.

Servan-Schreiber’s career spanned two continents as a professor and physician in Pittsburgh and Paris. After completing two medical degrees, Servan-Schreiber earned a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience at CMU under the guidance of Jay McClelland and Nobel Laureate Herbert Simon.

Servan-Schreiber’s distinguished career touched many Pittsburgh institutions, including senior leadership posts at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where he co-founded the Center for Integrative Medicine, and academic appointments at the University of Pittsburgh and CMU. He published more than 90 scientific monographs and lectured at leading international academic centers.

One of the seven co-founders of the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Doctors without Borders U.S., Servan-Schreiber served in Iraq, Guatemala, India, Tajikistan and Kosovo, addressing epidemics among refugees. He served as a member of the organization’s board for nine years.

In 1992, at age 31, Servan-Schreiber discovered a tumor in his own brain while conducting brain-imaging research. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and given six months to live. Confronting his illness and marshaling his own will to live, he embarked upon a 16-year journey fighting and seeking to understand his illness, culminating in his 2008 international bestseller, “Anticancer: A New Way of Life.” The book and his international lectures have empowered cancer patients and survivors with knowledge and tools to combat the disease.

Servan-Schreiber is the eldest son of the world-renowned Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber, the late politician, publisher and co-founder of the French newspaper L'Express. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber was a distinguished lecturer at CMU during the years that his four sons, David, Franklin (E'86, HSS'89), Emile (S'85, HSS'89,'91) and Edouard (S'88) were students at the university. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber worked closely with Raj Reddy, CMU's Mozah Bint Nasser University Professor, as founder and president of the World Center for Informatics and Human Resources.

The funeral will be held in Paris on Thursday, July 28.

After he was told in 2010 that another brain tumor had been found — he called it “the Big One” — Dr. Servan-Schreiber wrote a third book, “We Can Tell Each Other Goodbye Several Times,” with Ursula Gauthier, a journalist. Many viewed it as a final testament.

“Death is part of the life process; everyone goes through it,” he said in one of his last interviews. “It is very reassuring in itself.”

Happiness is a CHOICE

2011-12-13T10:11:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard someone say "he/she just doesn't make me happy anymore" ? I have, recently. It's made me think about what makes people happy. I'm happy when Recker smiles big with his teeth showing, I love that, I'm happy when my house is clean, or when my husband gets home from a hard day at work but still finds time to come in the kitchen and give me a big hug (I love hugs) I was overwhelmingly happy to see Blake when he got home from the Dominican Republic after 2 years. There are so many people and things that make me happy-for sure too many to name-but is it an accumulation of all those things that truly bring happiness? I have to say I have been disappointed by others and allowed other people's choices effect my life in a negative way--what a shame and a waste of precious time. True lasting happiness comes from within ourselves, no one else can give that to you, like others I had to learn the hard way. When I found out I had breast cancer it was like a huge maillot hit me over the head, I finally had clarity ...... it was time to clean house so to speak-- I needed to do some maintenance work on myself and find out what really matters, then get rid of the rest-- For me, my happiness now comes from a deeper place in my heart, I'm OK with the choices of other people, and although they can make me sad it does not effect my eternal happiness because I know who I am, I know where I came from and I know where I want to be. Seriously? it's taken me 48 years to figure this stuff out? I have never, ever said I was a good student.. ha ha.

Oopsie Daisey..

2011-12-08T17:18:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie daisey. Honestly it's been incredibly busy in my life. I am working 4 days a week now, lots of flights are being cancelled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here. I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline. Tomorrow I will going to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman, he will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back. Can you say ouch? Hopefully this will help with the pain and I will able to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
I drove to Mayo Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect. As I walked through the doors it reeked of chemo and hospital smell. I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank. Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeated it over and over again trying to get his attention, I really thought he was going to die. Behind me a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone "HE" had just passed away and they need to get to the hospital..to the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack, by now my mind is thinking "concentrate Monya, don't pay any attention to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang, it was Eric checking in on me, boy was I happy to hear his voice. Finally they sent me up to the 5th floor, pain clinic on the elevator we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me, she was crying I wanted to hug her, but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries. We made a stop on the 2nd floor and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator, I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death. Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check, Mayo has a way of doing that to me. She only went up one floor and I noticed she was on the patients floor, probably going to visit a family--I was sad about that. We continued to the 5th floor, the lady with the tears went left and I went right--just like that those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me.....and I will likely never see them again.
I approach the pain clinic check in and they hand me a stack of papers to fill out, seriously??? what else could they possibly need from me, they know everything there
is to know, they've taken my boobs, my hair, my uterus and 100's of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour, today instead of anxiety meds I am going to read my scriptures while I wait, it worked. After an hour and a half of scripture study they called me back for the procedure. I really like Dr. Freeman, the procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but lets face it no one likes to be poked and prodded with needles. I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today I am tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO. Even as I type that out I feel guilty for feeling that way, I have so much to be grateful for, I am pretty darn blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when there are so many people struggling today at Mayo.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

I love this little guy with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving Recker

Today I'm thankful for so many things, mostly family. I have truly been blessed with an incredible family that I love so much. I woke up this morning with Turkey smell throughout the house, we have a tradition of putting the turkey in the oven the night before because we eat around noon on Thanksgiving. I made chocolate, coconut, banana and pumpkin pies, mashed potatoes, gravy, and 2 jello salads. Raylani's family came over, they are so good about pitching in and bringing food. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love the fall weather and the feeling I get when I'm with family. This year Blake was here with us, I honestly never thought this day would come, I have missed him so much. 2 days ago I had to meet him in the Walmart parking lot to trade cars with him, when I pulled into the parking lot and saw him sitting in the car waiting for me, I got a huge smile on my face then told him how grateful I am that he is home with us. It is seriously a luxury to have all my children in town, be able to hug and love on them everyday. I hope I never take that for granted, family is the most important part of my life.

What is Normal?

2011-11-20T17:50:00.003-07:00

So the other day I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing, and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home--his reply was "mom, I feel like I'm getting back to normal again" I then asked him "what is normal son?" then we had a long conversation about being normal. My thoughts are still on that conversation. I told him that our normals continually should be changing. Two and a half years ago my normal was certainly different than they are now, I was worried about children, getting up going to work, worrying about children, making dinner every night, worrying about children, cleaning house, training for a marathon, worrying about children. Then Blake surprised us with deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW did my normal change in a heartbeat. Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on a back burner--now my normal was how can I do this? every thought that occupied my thoughts were -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer, and Eric, my sweet husband having to see me go through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? how could I let him see me bald and sick? and more important than all I worried he would worry too much about me.... I needed everything to just go back to "normal" Soon my normal became trips to Mayo Clinic on a regular basis, no exercising, certainly forgetting about my marathon running, missing my son terribly and worrying that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family, I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric. Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs and seeing oncologists were now my normal. Soon my normal became kneeling and praying morning, day and night, begging pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing. Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing, especially not for myself and now it was another normal for me.
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life. I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge. I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.

American Cancer Society

2011-11-11T21:54:00.001-07:00

I was recently asked to speak at an American Cancer Society event in Gilbert. A bit intimidated and hesitant I decided it would be good for me to take on the challenge. I'm grateful I had Eric, Haleigh, Haleigh B, Kayla and my sister Sonya there for the moral support. The ACS asked me to speak about my journey with cancer, and the programs that ACS offers cancer patients and their families. This is all still so fresh in my mind, I was afraid I would just cry through the entire speech--I'm glad to say I didn't cry the whole time--just part of it. It was surreal to actually speak to people about the journey I've had.

October was National Breast Cancer Awareness month, and although I am a supporter of finding a cure, I also believe that every cancer deserves to be recognized and mentioned as much as breast cancer is. Some of the largest money makers out there are doing just that MAKING MONEY and putting it in their pockets, not using the money to go towards the cause, very few non profit organizations give 100% back to the cause, in fact one of the largest "non-profit" organizations made over 300 million dollars in 2010 and only 20% went into actual research or programs for breast cancer patients. When people ask me about supporting breast cancer awareness month I always say I do support it but I always make sure where my money is going before I give to a non-profit organization. ACS supports all research and 100% of all money made through fund raising goes right back into the programs they have for cancer patients and their families.. I LOVE IT.

It can always be worse

2011-11-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

1/2 marathon in Mesa Arizona

I spent a few days at the Mayo Clinic this week--tests and more tests trying to figure out what is going on with my hip and back--
I met a new doctor, he walked in said "hello, nice to meet you" in his darling cute German accent, then it was all business after that- he never smiled or looked at me in the face, he had me doing all these different walks, on my toes, on my heels, walk there, walk here and never once smiled or looked at me-me, as in looked at my face or eyes--so I'm just going to say it -- he will never be a
Dr. Peter Kreymerman-- he then ordered more tests and sent me to the physical therapist-- the entire time looking at his paper work, computer or elsewhere-- so it was "good- bye Dr. what's his face"
Funny thing about Dr. what's his face, the next day while I was waiting to see the physical therapist he walked by looked at me and smiled, I don't think he even knows I'm his patient and I am waiting in this waiting room because he ordered me to-- however, I Love my physical therapist her name is Pauline Lucas. Good thing I like her we will be spending some time together, 6 weeks of PT 2 times a week. I will also be getting cortisone shots in my hip and back to help with the pain-- they, (Dr. what's his face) diagnosed my hip with bursitis and my back is the arthritis caused from the amounts of chemo I received. Pauline, wants me to keep a log of what exercise I am doing every week--she was a little concerned when I told her how much I was running, the cycling she said was a bit obsessive too, I was advised that a woman "my age" should not be doing an access amount of exercise because it is damaging more than healing..."too old, a woman my age?" seriously? what about the 100 year old man who finished a marathon a couple weeks ago? I have now been told a few times by doctors that I should not be running the amount of miles I run every week--but a part of me wants so badly to run a marathon--it's difficult for me to embrace the words "you can't do it" I promised not to race next Saturday in the 1/2 marathon I've been so earnestly training for, but I did not promise not to do the 5K or 10K--WHAT A RIP OFF I'M BUMMED--I refuse to crawl up in a rocking chair and die -- for an athlete like myself it is really hard to cut back on the things I love to do.... I've always been drivin to do better and go further in each run, with my heart monitor watch on constantly seeing how much faster I need to go to beat yesterdays score I track my scores to be able to better my stride and endurance. I've learned from this experience that listening to my doctors advice is probably the best way to go about accomplishing in the end what I need or want for myself, every time I think I know better I end up right back at the beginning, with nothing accomplished--sometimes I feel Like this is what happens when I refuse to listen to answers to prayers too I get in the way of my own progression--I wonder why it is that sometimes we think we know more about ourselves then the Lord does--with that being said I am really, really sad not to be able to run the marathon next weekend--when the doctors talk to me this is what I hear "you are one of the most healthy patient I have ever had" then the bomb hits "but-you are also the most unhealty patient I have ever had because every side effect you could possibly get from chemo and radiation has happened to you"
-but when I put it all in perspective it could always be worse--

Halloween 2012

2011-11-02T21:45:00.001-07:00

Recker was dressed as a Lumber Jack this year-- he is so cute, still holding tight to buzz. He fell asleep before he had a chance to go trick-or-treating. I tried to get him to take a nap all day but he was not interested. I love this little guy.

Neuropathy

2011-10-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I was done with neuropathy.... surprise it's back. My legs feel like the nerves have been exposed to the air again, the pain is sometimes excruciating. I am learning that a small percentage of people who get neuropathy from the effects of chemo have to deal with it off and on for life--yes, I am one of those people--no big deal I can handle it--
What IS difficult for me to handle is when I talk to women who have stage 1 or 2 breast cancer and now they have recurrence--today when I was at work one of my friends who I have not seen for awhile came over to talk to me, she was wearing a pink beanie to cover her bald head--she went through a double mastectomy a year and a half before I did, (stage 2) now it has metastasized to her lungs--she showed me the xrays --I can not stop thinking about her today. Cancer really is this ugly VILLAIN, it invades lives, and just when you think you've turned a corner looking to a bright future BOOM it's back to haunt and taunt you, whether a recurrence or side effects it never goes away.

This is a life long Journey

2011-10-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Blake spoke in church, he did a beautiful job speaking about the experiences he has had the last 2 years while serving the people in the Dominican Republic. I was touched listening to him talk about the power of the Atonement in his life-it seems the best conversion story was his own. His Spanish is flawless, I love to listen to him. Someone said to me very non-chalantly "so glad you could be here today" at 1st I thought "what are they talking about? I'm here, every week, what does that mean?" then my thoughts immediately went to "you have no idea how glad I am to be here" HERE as in here on earth, still alive able to see the success of my son, to hear him speak in Spanish so fluently, to see his passion and love for what he believes in, "Oh yes, I am so glad I'm here too!"
This morning I woke up, knowing I was going to spend the day at Mayo Clinic, I have this love/hate relationship with that place. I love it for obvious reasons, and I hate it for more obvious reasons. The drive to Mayo was much shorter than I expected, my thoughts were wondering--kinda scary for anyone driving down the beeline highway today--some of the things I was thinking about -- the mountains are beautiful, the dessert is dry and I am wondering who I will meet today.
The 3rd floor smells like always--of sickness and chemo, there is a stench difficult for me to stomach, especially when I am so nauseated anyway--as I sit in the waiting area I see, like always sick people, some look really, really sick I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be OK, but I know just as well as they do there are no guarantees with the VILLAIN. I'm not there for long, my name was called within a few minutes as I walk into the infusion lab and see it loaded with people today, it made my heart sad for each of them--my nurse today is Allison, she is pregnant--seriously? can she smell what I smell? I wonder how does that work for her? So... I asked her "do these smells bother you?" her response "what smells?" WOW what just happened? it's hard to believe she can't smell the same things I smell.

Linda-Stage 4 Colon Cancer-What a blessing she is to
her family--so happy and positive

Jenny-- stage 1 Breast Cancer--her husband shaved
his head to match hers--they have a 17 month old baby

Dan-stage 4 colon cancer-metastisized to his lung--
so happy and full of life

Sandy--stage 4 extremely rare cancer--going in tomorrow
to have his bladder removed--will have to wear a colostomy
bag for the rest of his life-yet he made me laugh--
I loved visiting with him

The girls helped me put some treat bags together (and when I say "girls" I mean Kaitlyn and Haleigh Brownlee) for all the patients in chemo today, after Allison accessed my port and took all the viles of blood she needed I went around to all the patients and visited with those who wanted to talk, gave them a snack bag and was inspired by each and everyone of them. This is my favorite part of coming to Mayo--these people are facing life threatening diseases yet they smile and are so positive about life--perspectives change, and I loved all the perspectives today. Jenny is also a patient of Dr. Kreymerman, she and I high fived each other--then talked a little about him--all good of course. In case you didn't know I love Dr. Kreymerman-- ha ha.
After spending more than an hour and half in the infusion lab, I was off to get my bone mineral analysis, and X-Rays. I have always wondered why they make me undress and put on the hospital gown, I thought those machines could see through clothes--they can see through clothes at the airport.
By now I have a splitting head ache--I think trying NOT to be effected by everything going on at Mayo, I get the opposite effect--every little thing I see, hear and smell drains me. I started early this morning, looking at my watch as I wait for Maryann I can see the time is now 2:30, I won't be out of here for a couple more hours. These are questions I have for Maryann:

1. Can I see Dr. Northfelt at least once a year
2. Why am I so nauseated
3. Why am I in so much pain, legs and hip
4. Why does everything taste like metal
5. Why am I having headaches and insomnia

These are the answers I got from her:

✓1. Yes, I need to see Dr. Northfelt, its not too much to ask, especially since I will be seeing him for years to come, its important for me to have the reassurance from my oncologist once a year.
✓2. The pain my body is in is causing the nausea
✓3. The Xray is showing a spot on my hip bone and lower back caused from the osteoperosis, neuropathy is still in my legs caused from the chemo--
✓4. Forgot to get answer about that one--
✓5. Not sure about the headaches, she wants me to stop taking the Arimidex for 2 weeks and see if they go away, insomnia is part of the process--its not going away.

Maryann is going to call me in 2 weeks to check on me, and get an update about some of the conditions.
I'm also being referred to the Physical Medicine unit at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Maryann told me they will be able to get to the bottom of the spots on my hip and back. Leaving Mayo today I'm satisfied that all my questions were answered. I loved meeting all the wonderful patients in the infusion lab, I realized for the 1st time today that this journey is life long--sad but true.

Insomnia freaks me out

2011-10-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

As grateful and elated as I am to have my son home with me, if I am totally honest I will say I'm scared to death right now. I am having a lot of really irregular symptoms, nausea, INSOMNIA night after night even when I've taken my medicine I still cannot sleep, sort of reminds me of the days I was dealing with chemo and radiation--SORT OF-- headaches, my heart is making extra beats or stopping all together, it's hard to tell sometimes, the pain in my legs has returned in full bloom, feels just like the neuropathy and last but not least my hip pain has gotten a whole lot worse--these type of conditions make me crazy in the head. I have this feeling I'm about to be taught a lesson. Today I went to Mayo for some blood draw, the girl taking my blood could not of been more than 18 years old, she apologized before she stuck me, I guess that should of been my first clue that this was not going to go over very well for me--she stuck my arm and it pinched and burned like no other--I looked down and to my surprise there was no blood coming out into the vile--she said "Is that hurting you?" My reply was very nicely "uh y y yes darlin' it hurts real bad take the needle out and start over please" by this time my rear end was raised up out of the seat, and I'm pretty sure she could tell by the look on my face I was in some pain, then the cute little nurse said "Oh no, I have a one stick policy, I will get someone else to try" Thank Heaven for that, I was not willing to go through that ordeal again. I ended up with 3 sticks to the arms (yes that would be plural) not complaining but the reason why I have a port sticking out of my chest is for this exact reason--NOT TO BE STUCK A MILLION TIMES--even if the needle is the size of a nail head I would rather be accessed and stuck with that then be stuck 3 times by a nurse who looked like she was still in daycare.
I fear that my body is giving in, giving in to the VILLAIN--or am I just getting old and this is what happens? What ever it is--I say NO, I don't like it it feels weird to be up at 2 am writing about stuff I know nothing about, except that I do know the pain I am in is real, Next week I will go see Dr. Northfelt well more like Maryann Forrett for my oncology visit--I have a few things we need to talk about, 1st off I want to ask if I could at least see Dr. N once a year I need the reassurance from him. Marayann is wonderful and I love her but for me at least I need to see my oncologists face once in awhile. Dr. N is so busy, he is a big part of the administrative end of oncology at Mayo Clinic but I need a dr who wants to grace me with his or her presence once in a while. My list of stuff to ask about is getting longer an longer, Maryann is in for a treat when I go to Mayo on Monday.

✔ I'm Alive

2011-10-06T20:44:00.001-07:00

Eric and I are in Mexico with Blake, it's been so nice to have him back. I have asked him a zillion questions about his mission, the people, spiritual experiences and how he feels being home. Tonight I went for a run on the beach, I was listening to music and trying to concentrate on getting my speed up, my mind kept wondering off and I found myself thinking about how much I have been blessed. I kinda have check marks in my head everyday of things that need to get done or I check off the things I am grateful for. Just as I was thinking about how much the Lord has blessed me,
I checked off in my head
*BE ALIVE WHEN BLAKE COMES HOME ✔
*BE HAPPY ✔
I looked up in the sky and in perfect formation were birds forming a check mark, I smiled really big and stared at them until they passed, still not believing what I had just seen I turned around looked up and saw nothing but blue skies...where were the birds? They were no where to be found, within seconds they were gone, at that very moment I knew that Heavenly Father was giving me a sign, HE was confirming to me that HE lives, that HE hears me and answers my prayers. My ultimate goal and prayer has always been to be alive and be happy when Blake got home, I can honestly say I can check those 2 off my list. It's so surreal to have him home, so much has happened in 2 years not only in my life but especially in Blake's. I can see the tenderness in his eyes, he is so compassionate and sincere, having a new missionary home is like bringing home a new baby--so much to learn, and I want to soak it all up while I can.

BLAKE HOMECOMING

2011-10-03T10:43:00.001-07:00

I want to explain to some of my friends who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, exactly what a mission is so you can understand the emotion behind why I was acting like a weirdo mother at the sight of my son after 2 years of service. When a young man chooses to serve a mission (usually at the age of 19) they have usually prepared for this their entire life. While these boys serve the Lord they are given strict rules to show their obedience and devotion to the work they are doing. The are given the opportunity to call their families on Christmas and Mothers Day, other than those days they do not speak to family or friends while they are gone, they are also given the opportunity once a week to email family. Just like anything in life when we are able to devote our time or talents without distractions of girlfriends, boyfriends or life we are able to accomplish so much more. These young men cannot have physical contact with females while they serve, again that could and would be another distraction and they are on their mission to do the Lords work and spread the word of the gospel and what we believe in.

When Blake left, I felt so lost as a mother, knowing I could not be the one to answer his questions, or comfort him when he needed it, I guess we both learned over the past 2 years to do the best we can then turn the rest over to the Lord--HE will help us find our way, HE will reach down and lift us up when we trust in HIM. I'm looking forward to sharing the spiritual experiences we both have had with eachother.

Having him home and making our family complete again has been so sweet. The last couple of days I have felt like the most blessed mama on the earth. It's a difficult emotion to explain, almost like trying to explain what it's like to give birth and hold your baby for the 1st time. I can see the sadness in him, he is happy to be with his family however, he misses the Dominican people so badly and is having a difficult time transitioning back into life, a missionaries life is very structured, they know from hour to hour everyday what they are doing and where they are supposed to be. When he was released from his mission and reported to President Merrill I was so touched by his testimony, he sobbed as he explained the journey he has been on. The sacrifice these boys make is unbelievable, they leave family, friends, school and life as they know it to go out and serve for 2 years. Blake has served and learned so much from these 2 years of sacrifice, the experiences he has had will bless his life forever, the people he has touched will be changed forever, I would give anything to somehow be that type of example to people.

We have had so many people here at the house visiting with him, I have not really had a chance to sit down and talk with him, tomorrow Eric and I are taking him to Mexico for some much needed alone time.... I want to hear about his wonderful and maybe not so wonderful experiences. For now all I can say is I am overwhelmed with the Love our Heavenly Father has for us, I am grateful HE has brought my son home safely and I look forward to our future.

Timing is Everything

2011-09-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget the day we got home from taking Blake to the MTC, (Mission Training Center) September 23rd, 2009 I went in his room sat on the bed and cried. I have a lot of faith but to be quite honest I wasn't sure what my future would be, or if I would have the opportunity to hold and hug my son ever again. I know for him it must of been so difficult to leave. I worried night and day about him, wanting him to have a successful mission without worry or stress about me. Now I understand why the Lord has order and precision, things are more clear than ever before- TIMING IS EVERYTHING- Most boys leave on their mission when they turn 19, my Blake was not ready, it broke my heart at the time. I now know the Lord is in full control of all we endure and HE understands more than we realize. Blake made the decision to leave when he was 21, all of his friends who left at age 19 were just getting home from their missions. Only 6 weeks before he left I found out I had breast cancer, during that time I remember thinking "this is the worst timing ever" when I look back on that time, I realize now how much I needed to learn, TIMING truly is EVERYTHING...

I know with all my heart and soul I am alive because my son chose to serve the Lord, if it weren't for his service and Recker's love, I think I would of checked out a long time ago. When I look back at the last 2 years of our lives, I can see the blessings, oh so many blessings, tears run down my face as I think about what the Lord has blessed us with. My son, my hero I love him so much. He endured the last 2 years with strength and reliance on the Lord to help him through some tough days and nights.

Tonight I am sitting on his bed writing this blog- so many emotions are running through my head--he will sleep here tomorrow night, he will kneel and pray here in this room where I have knelt and prayed so many times for him to be safe, for him to not worry about me or what is going on at home, so many pleas to the Lord in his behalf have been in this very room. Looking around I see scriptures sitting on his night stand--my scriptures the ones I have studied. The Preach My Gospel book is right next to my scriptures, the pages are tattered a bit from me turning pages trying my hardest to learn the Christlike Attributes, reading every scripture I could get my hands on about faith, hope, charity, love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience. Boy, I have along way to go before I a can say I have mastered even one of those attributes. Yes I believe TIMING IS EVERYTHING .... it's now time for Blake to come home, be with his family and start his life--I know he must have some mixed emotions too. I have been dreaming of the hug I will get from him, praying that my health would be good enough to greet him at the airport without him being disappointed or discouraged. He made it through, I made it through, we all got through 2 years that I would not trade for anything in the world. The knowledge I have of our Saviors Love for me and my family has been strengthened ten fold, I have said it so many times, I KNOW HE LIVES. I am so thankful to my friends, family and to the Lord for lifting me up on the days when I thought tomorrow would never come.... now as I pick up my scriptures to walk out his bedroom door, I am closing it like a chapter in my life is over, but opening it to walk towards a bright and beautiful future.

P.S. another reminder of Timing--exactly 2 years ago tomorrow I was in Mayo Hospital having a radical mastectomy and being told my cancer had spread--and now we celebrate.

LDS Missionaries Coming Home Mix

2011-09-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Next week I will be getting my 1st hug--One Week from today--Thank you Norm Watkins for sending this video I loved it and cried like a baby.

Careful what you wish for

2011-09-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

I dream about running in a marathon--sounds crazy I know, but I do and I have for years. I have always been an athlete. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was training for my 1st marathon--it was so hard not only to get the diagnosis but to have to give up running, cycling, kick boxing and lifting weights. Tonight I went to a kick boxing class--it kicked my behind end, at one point I seriously thought I was going to throw up. The funny thing about this story is as we were cooling down I listened to the words to the song that was playing--it said "be careful what you wish for, it just might come true" I got the biggest smile on my face--my body was allowing me to do what I never thought I would be able to do again. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do push ups like I used to do--with the lymph nodes being gone it was very painful I did what I could (not much) Tonight I'm grateful.

Poem to my Son-Blake

2011-09-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Today is Blake's 23rd birthday--I just sent through email this poem I wrote for him--I've never written a poem and don't know that I ever will again-but this is how I really feel. I don't like to use the word PROUD but I kinda am, this boy is now a man, knowing he was out serving helped me get through some really tough days and months--

When you turned nineteen, and decided not to go
my heart ached for what you didn't know.

Times were rough, and thoughts weren't clear
deep inside I was glad you were still here.

Dad and I raised you in the Church, saying
"where will you go?"
your answer to us was "NO"

I prayed morning and night, wanting
everything to be just right.

I'll never forget the day of your call
it was such a shock to us all,
seems you too had been praying and preparing.

Tears of joy filled my eyes, for now I knew
and could empathize-

You would go out and tell
of Heavenly Fathers Plan
and how Adam fell.

When my diagnosis returned positive for cancer
I cried "no, this can't be"
I wanted a different answer.

You were given a blessing that said
"your mom will be here"
then I begged the Lord to take away your fear.

The day I hugged you good-bye,
I wasn't quite sure how I'd get by.

As I felt my heart explode in my chest,
I knew it was time to let the Lord do the rest.

Every letter, Christmas and Mother's day
there was so much to say,
you were serving the Lord, and it made me glad
to hear you so happy for good days and bad

Now those two years have gone so fast,
soon you will be home with us at last.

Our family has been so blessed, you have
served with honor and done your best.

When people ask me "how did you survive your fight?"
I look at them and say "because I have a son who chose
to share HIS light"

I love you Elder Blake Williams-Happy Birthday

XOXO Mama

Heaven - 9/11 Tribute - 10 years

2011-09-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

From Boy to Man-Blake

2011-09-11T17:15:00.001-07:00

Blake wrote this letter to us recently, Eric and I were really touched by how much he has sacrificed, it's hard as a mother to know some of the conditions he has lived in, however, to hear him say he loves it, he loves the Dominican people, and to know he can see good in sometimes dreary conditions makes my heart melt. He has gone from boy to man, I really never thought he was rough around the edges, but hearing him grow as much as he has in two years I realize how much refining and smoothing he has done.

I've been thinking about the time I have left here in this country it has really come to be part of me I mean I really consider myself one of them. I love these people and I really honestly am going to miss them soo much, even the people that dont want to listen to us or the dogs that always chase and bark at us, or the random drunk man thats always there to talk to. Even the things i dont like, i am going to miss soo much, like when there is no light in the whole town for 24 hours having to go to sleep drowning in your own sweat being eaten by mosquitos, when theres no water to shower before you leave the house, or no light to iron your shirt before church or when, no one is in their houses the whole day not even the members to give you some water or juice, and then it starts to pour down rain, these are the things i rally am going to miss, i love this country and i will always say it is MY country....

I am so grateful to be in the best misison in the whole world, with the best mission president in the whole world

This week the things have been a little different after the hurricane, it took out a hotel right on the beach here and ruined this street the place got pretty flooded in places here which is crazy cuz here it never rains its like a desert here, its the first area i have been in where it kinda reminds me of home, cuz there are cactus here haha.

This week has been pretty good i think i gave my last talk in the mission this last week, so it was 830 in the morning on sunday and we were preparing ourselfs to leave and go pick up this investigator and the branch president calls and tells me to prepare a talk for church and i said that its fine ill do it cuz i thought at first it was for the next week but then like 15 minutes later it got to me so i called him and asked if it was for this sunday or the next and he said this sunday, and said to make sure its long cuz my mission president was going to be there so he tells me 30 minutes before church when im already in the street to church that i have to talk, but its fine thats just another thing that i really am going to miss it went really well they told us that the chapel is going to be remodeled and that we will be moving into a little house for a 5 or 6 months. We are going to baptize this guys named Alvelino in a few weeks hes has 8 years with the missionaries and his wife is a memberthat has her endowments and shes tried and tried and so have the misisonaries so we have been working hard with him and we put a date for him so we will be baptizing him a week or so before i got home i cant wait to see the look on his face and his wifes face when he gets baptized, this is one of the things i am going to miss the most is seeing the lifes of people change

con mucho amor
ELDERblakeWILLIAMS

Blake's Itenerary

2011-09-06T15:19:00.003-07:00

Saying Goodbye was so hard Sept 23rd 2009

I wish I could bottle up this feeling I have right now---I'm in Mexico I opened up my email and had gotten a little itinerary from Salt Lake City saying--Elder Blake Williams will be home in the US of A sky harbor airport on September 28th at 5:25 pm--not only did I do a little dance by myself in my kitchen--I smiled from ear to ear and even let out a few "oh yeah's he's finally coming home" with my hands in he air...I know this is bitter sweet for him, but it's ALL SWEET to me.... I miss him so much and I literally dream of that first hug, nothing I can write will even come close to explaining the feelings in my heart---I think it's time for some SUGAR--

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-30T12:14:00.001-07:00

I have been back to work at US AIRWAYS now for a couple of months....I think I'm finally getting some of my memory back, it helps to have notes next to my desk..... Just in time for Hurricane Irene to ravish the lives of so many people I met over the past couple of days. Friday I went in the reservations center to find out I was mandated 12 hours of overtime not only Friday but Saturday Sunday and Monday...whew...I am not used to that, it sure gave me an appreciation for my co-workers who do it day after day just to keep food on the table. My arm was swelling up from my lymphodema I wore my sleeve to keep the swelling down, my feet were swollen up from sitting, my hip was killing me, and I had a headache by the end of each day. . . . . however,
Just when I started to feel a little sorry for myself, I would get a phone call from someone stranded trying to get to their loved ones funeral, or wedding, a lady who's brother's remains were being sent, he died in service to our Country, people sleeping in hostel's or sleeping at the airport for a week because they cannot afford a hotel/motel or they were all booked to capacity, so many desperate stories of people's lives, it touched me and brought me back to reality. I really do have so much to be grateful for. LIVE FREE LIFE IS GOOD

Blake's Picture of Recker

2011-08-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

It's getting closer---yes Elder Blake Williams will be home in 5 weeks. The little stinker sent us this picture this week--really made the flood gates of tears start--He has never met Recker yet, so much has happened since he has been serving his mission we are preparing and dreaming of that first hug--so excited.

I need Thee every hour

2011-08-24T11:29:00.001-07:00

Once again I am feeling like I need help from my Heavenly Father to keep my soul still and lift me through the thorny parts of life. I have learned to listen to my heart, and search my soul, but I sometimes still doubt myself and pray that I am making the right decisions..there are things sometimes we need to let go, but still I question if I am doing all the Lord wants me to. I so want that chapter of my life to be over--but how?
I spoke today with my mother's bishop and he advised me that she is not doing well and refuses to get the proper help that she needs, the church has done all they can do to help her financially, physically and spiritually--they will continue to help her financially however, he explained that she needs 24 hour care, she cannot take care of herself, she told him and others that she will not move away from her home. I asked him if I could help financially, he said he wished it was that easy--Her heart has become so hard, the women from the church have gone over and helped her dress morning and night, take her doctor appointments, clean the house, and so much more. She has blamed them of stealing things, and over stepped her boundries with these wonderful woman, she has caused them all to run. Oh how I wish this was easier, for years I have prayed that she would soften her heart. Going through my cancer treatments I was so grateful to have family and friends to help me, but I have always longed for a mother to love me, to laugh with, cry with and share with. I am trying to recover from the last couple of years, I have learned to rely on the Lord for everything--I love deeper, feel more compassion, look at life as a gift, always talk about service to others, and treasure everyday I wake up to children I adore and a husband who keeps me smiling. Now, as I am faced with this, I wonder what I am supposed to learn--If I thought for one second I could change her heart I would be at her doorstep in a heartbeat--but I'm scared, I've been so hurt, the Lord has answered so many prayers in this respect telling me to move forward and live my life, be the mother I always wanted my mom to be, be the wife I dreamed of being as a teenager. I've been told over and over again to stay away from stress, my doctors have warned me adding excessive stress can feed my type of cancer--I know that should be the answer right? It's not that simple, she's my mother--our Heavenly Father would not turn his back on any of his children, non of them, so now what? I can feel the anxiety coming on right now--
(the above was written by me on Sunday)
Today is Tuesday, I am just now getting around to writing about some of the experiences I have had this week. Sunday after I spoke with my mother's bishop I decided I really needed to pray about this situation--so as usual I found a quite space in my son Blake's room and knelt to pray for guidance in this situation I've been placed in. That night I had a hard time sleeping, but finally got my mind to think of my happy place in Paris--I fell asleep and dreamed, I dreamed of a time when my mother was soft and gentle--in this dream I was perfectly aware of the life I am in right now, but was feeling the emotions of a child --this part is hard to explain. I went to my kitchen table and wrote a letter, a heart-felt letter, one of love and compassion but also one letting her know how I feel today as a woman, a woman who knows what it is to be a mother, a wife and most important a daughter of God. In this letter there was no blaming or accusations of any type, just allowing myself to hopefully let her see a part of my heart that she has never known--then the next part of the dream I mailed the letter to her Bishop and asked him to read it to her--I woke from the dream and knew that my prayers had been answered, I need to write that letter. I love that the Lord knows that I need him every hour, even while I'm sleeping.

Lots of ♥ from Haleigh

2011-08-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

Click here to read the blog post my daughter wrote. Haleigh is an inspiration to me, she was the only child living at home when I went through my breast cancer treatments, she saw it all and never complained even though it was the beginning of her Senior Year in High School and she had to deal with the VILLAIN everyday--my heart filled with love and tears ran from my eyes when I read this. Honestly, I had no idea she even remembered the date .... shame on me for thinking she was not as effected as she obviously was. I am so grateful to the Lord for protecting her and keeping her safe during that time of our lives.

Paris 2011-European Smile Experiment- My Happy Place

2011-08-13T17:44:00.001-07:00

It's really hard to believe a year has gone by since Eric and I took our fairytale trip to Paris--Now here we are back again. We loved it, stayed at a very nice hotel--it was all part of the Euro-Pass package--Euro Pass not so great--Hotels-- 5 star plus and beautiful--and free

Frenchie is back

The Park, the panini's the fountains

Bikes, Crepes, the beautiful buildings

The gargoyles, Frenchie, My favorite bird man

Eiffel Tower, Seine River, pigeon lady

Pastries, parks and castles

Self Portraits-waiting for our bikes

Bike Rides in My Happy Place

We loved this tree

Last day in Paris, the hotel, the man selling Sorbet out of his truck

Fontainbleau France

The Castle--European Smile Experiment

Michael Jackson dancing in the streets

Our last meal in Paris -- Frenchie eats Mussels-Steak & Potatoes-Chocolate Mousse
Monya-french onion soup-Spaghetti -Flan with Caramel Sauce

The Macaroons-buildings-doors, and graffiti

Our time in Paris was magical, one day I told Eric I wanted to try an experiment -- I told him to smile at every single person that he sees and see what happens--he then told me that in Paris you need to say Bon Jour first then the smile--I said "nope, this is my experiment no talk just a smile" I did it my way and he did it his way--Eric was correct, every person he said Bon Jour and smiled at, gave the same respect back to him--me not so good, I noticed eye contact was difficult, I struggled to get smiles in because they were so busy walking and looking at the ground rather than looking at who was walking towards them. The picture above with Eric and the lady on the bus makes me laugh I smiled over and over at her, not only did she not smile she frowned at me, but good ole Frenchie says Bon Jour and smiles and she is his best friend. One little girl looked at me and I smiled--she immediately looked at me with a weird half smile, half "whatever" look and turned away--the only people who gave me any attention were Americans -- I am in no way saying that Americans are better or that they communicate better , it is just a difference in cultural backgrounds. I actually found the Parisians to be extremely helpful and quite polite, I think we live in a world that we all need to be more excepting of each other. I remember doing this same experiment last year when I was going through cancer treatments and had to be at Mayo for a day--for the most part every person gave me a smile and at least a nod of the head in acknowledgment.

The day we took the bus out to my "happy place" to ride bikes was my favorite day ever--last year we did the same thing and I took that memory with me every time I had surgery or had to face an anxiety attack coming on--I feel at HOME in that place--it was beautiful nothing had changed--my thoughts as I rode my bike through the beautiful tree lined paths was that this is peaceful, no outside world to influence me, no noise but the birds and wind blowing in my face. I saw no cell phones, no computers, no distractions--I was deep in thought and as Frenchie and I sat on a rock talking next to the lake I told him "please don't spend money on an expensive casket for me when I die, just cremate me put me in a Dixie cup, bring me here and spread my ashes" he laughed but I was serious. I love that place, this is the place where I am completely FREE, free from all life's worries, here there is no VILLAIN, no-one to disappoint me or hurt me, everywhere I look there are people holding hands, kissing, hugging, laughing--simply put they are enjoying LIFE. On my shirt that day were the words C'est Bon -- Frenchie said it means "It's all Good" perfect words for the day I had -- Life is Good --

Croatia-Montenegro-2011

2011-08-12T16:27:00.001-07:00

I wish I could of been able to blog everyday on our trip, the cost of using the internet on the Ship was outrageous, Eric actually did buy us a plan because he knew how important it is to me to keep a journal of all we do, however, it would take over an hour to upload pictures or post anything that ended up costing us, even the email I sent to Blake he didn't get in time--so here I am blogging the experience all at once-better than nothing I guess--I always have a note pad with me and write down feelings and impressions as I get them anyway.
1st off we decided at the last minute to book this cruise-a few months ago Eric and I attended a fundraiser and he donated some money, in return we were given a 1st class Euro-Rail pass--sounds exotic and fun huh? Not so much for people our age--the pass includes being able to visit 5 or 6 countries all having to border eachother--we never took into thought that we would have to also lug our luggage through railway stations, up and down stairs and through cities with cobblestone roads--we both laughed and decided to make it an adventure never to forget--and in true form of all that I believe in--LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT--Never take more clothes than you need--one carry-on- easy to wheel around is perfect--

We were on a balcony suite this is our room and view at Sunset

Croatia is beautiful--lots of sunshine and beaches to see

We met this guy with Eric who was from the Dominican Republic, he
lives where Blake was just transferred from

The small streets and alley ways are beautiful

We rented the red car, loved all the local organic fruits
and veggies, and no we did not attend the Nudist Camp just thought
it was interesting--never seen this before

The cruise part of the trip was wonderful, we ported from Venice-then our 1st stop was Hvar Croatia-we have both always wanted to visit Croatia and this cruise gave us an opportunity to make 4 stops. In Hvar we explored by car-- a small little red beetle bug--it reminded me of my sister Sonya she loves these cars and has a cute little red one. We had so much fun exploring a new country.

This is Split Croatia--

Our next stop was Split Croatia-it is the 2nd largest city in Croatia and it is on the Adriatic Sea. We walked and explored the city by foot, it was beautiful and the beaches and water are so clean and clear.

The next day we ported in Kotor Montenegro, a country I really had never thought of visiting but I am sure glad we had the opportunity it was beautiful. Eric and I had different ideas of what to do, so we first wend on a boat tour to see the back side of this beautiful country--I am not a fan of tours, but being with Eric I am a fan of so off we went--

The River Tour

I know Eric really didn't want to hike 1300 steps up
then 1300 down again--but I was so proud of him

The beautiful view from the top of the fortrest

We were hot and sweaty afterwards, but it felt so good
to get a good exercise in

Part of the river tour and the steps to start our hike

River Tour

Day 5, 6 & 7 we stopped at Dubrovonik Croatia, Korcula Croatia and Trieste Italy I combined all those pictures. Dubrovnik has stone walls and breathtaking medieval monasteries and marble paved squares with beautiful fountains, and architechture. Croatia is simply beautiful in all aspects of the word.

Eric bought this ring and pendant for me

Creme Brulee' my favorite

Eric ate all of these desserts one night on the cruise

just a picture from one of the staircases of the cruise ship

Trieste Italy

The cruise was so fun and we saw some incredible countries, we enjoyed every second of our time together. Now we are off to Paris for 4 days.

Venice 2011

2011-08-08T15:28:00.002-07:00

famous gondola rides

my lunch today

locally grown--beautiful tomatoes

I love all the organic fruits and veggies

best pizza ever

biggest bottle of nutella I have ever seen at least a gallon

these masks are everywhere--apparently for carnival

sir eric the chef

I'm assuming this is laundry day

is there a better name for a train that gets people around?

Eric and I arrived in Venice a few days before the ship took off, we wanted to enjoy the city before we took off to sea--1st off I have to say it is one of the most romantic cities I have ever explored. The gondola rides through the city were beautiful. We shopped and enjoyed all the scenery of this beautiful city on water--there are no cars in Venice everyone gets around by boat, even the taxis are by boat.

Time To Get Away From Life's Trials

2011-08-08T02:20:00.002-07:00

Envoy--USAIRWAYS no better way to fly

the food

One year ago Eric surprised me with a trip to Paris, it was an incredible trip and we decided that this time every year we are going to take the time together and plan a trip to places we have always wanted to go--NO REGRETS is our theme for life.
On Wednesday I flew with Kayla, Jeremy and Recker from New Haven Connecticut to Philadelphia they needed to catch their connecting flight back to Arizona and I was meeting with Eric to fly to Frankfurt Germany then on to Venice--One of the perks of working for USAIRWAYS is Eric and I are able to fly for free, and we can upgrade to 1st class when it is available, this makes it affordable for us to go on these trips. As we snuggled into our very comfortable Envoy seats I began to think about all that has crossed my path this year. This time last year I was just starting to get some hair. When I returned from Paris with Eric, Dr. Kreymerman and I had a date in the OR to take out my expanders and finish up my reconstructive surgery, went back into surgery just a week before Christmas to finish up with PK. Blake passed his year mark on his mission. One smidge of information I have not shared with many people --While I was in Paris last year I began to bleed vaginally, I tried very hard to keep it from Eric but when I woke up one night with a hemorage I could not hide it any longer and he insisted I see Dr. Magtibay when we got home. Dr. Magtibay is my gynocological oncologist, with some concern that the cancer had returned we scheduled a partial hysterectomy for January. I remember crying in his office when he told me, he asked why I was so scared and confused about this surgery, I finally for the 1st time in my life opened up to him and Dr. Kreymerman about my fears-I do not feel comfortable talking about the details here on my blog, but I will say it has everything to do with the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I cannot even begin to explain how difficult it was to talk about those details, to actually say the words outloud made me want to vomit. I felt safe and comforted with both Dr. Magtibay and Kreymerman. On the day of my surgery Dr. Kreymerman knowing how hard this surgery was going to be on me showed up in his scrubs just before they knocked me out, when he came in I could actually feel my heart leap in my chest, just before I was in a fetal position hysterically crying. This was not his day in the hospital and probably had some patients waiting at the Clinic, but right now he was there for me, holding my hand his smiling face was the last I saw before I went out. I truly Love Dr. Peter Kreymerman. That was a special day for me. I now look over at Eric and he is so asleep, snoring as loud as ever, this man means more to me than he or anyone else will ever know. When I think about all he has endured with me and never complained, not one time it makes me smile...we belong together, and the past couple of months have been rough on me, without him I think I would of had a break down. Some of you who have read my blog know about my friend Trystan, I met her about a year ago when she emailed me after reading my blog one evening. Without going into all the details I will tell you that she told me she had a 2 year old daughter named Paige who died in a car accident she too was in a coma for 5 months, during that time her husband committed suicide, now she was going through cancer treatments and needed someone to talk to, when she found my blog and emailed me I was more than happy to share what I knew with her, over the next 7 months or so we became very close friends. During most of this time she was in the Mayo Hospital in Rochester where she was not only fighting the cancer with chemo, she needed a kidney which I was asked to donate to her, after talking it over with my family I decided I would. Our family fasted, prayed and even invited her to be included in our FHE on Monday nights via the phone. There are so many more details that I really don't want to go into, but we found out she was a fraud, she never had a child that died in fact she has never given birth or been married, she did not have cancer--basically everything she told me was a lie her purpose was to find women who are vulnerable and get them to donate to a fake non profit organization she has for children with cancer, and for the kidney foundation--however the money is being directly deposited into her personal bank account. I have now been in contact with at least 7 women who have been hurt by her. The embarrassment and stress this has caused me is difficult to explain but one thing I know for sure is that the Lord has things happen in our lives for a reason, I believe the reason is so that Shannon, April, Lisa, Donna, Ashley, Carol, Helen and the others could bless my life with their love and compassion, they have all become great friends thanks to Trystan--oh and by the way Trystan is not her name according to her parole officer. I still continue to pray for her to get the help she needs and to find some peace in her life.
HONEST: I love People
TRUTH: This could happen to anyone--maybe even me again
REALITY: Life brings all sorts of people into our lives, we need to learn from them all
LEARNED: Be myself-ALWAYS-it's not necessary to be a friend with someone who is not true to themselves or to you--I CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE

Now as I sit in this seat flying over international seas my thoughts are changed to another problem that is drowning my brain ....MY MOM--Recently I received a phone call from Ron Lundberg, his wife Susan is my moms best friend, Ron says my mom is not doing well and the husband and wife who are living with her as her health care workers are moving to Texas after being with her for 2 years.
This has been weighing on my mind for weeks now. She is not able to care for herself and refuses to move into a facility--the healthcare worker is turning her over to the state for evaluation. I explained to Ron and Susan if I thought for one second my taking her in and caring for her would change anything I would in a heart beat--I asked him if I could pray about it and discuss it with my sisters before making a decision, there is so much more detail to this story that I don't want to judge or go into it on my blog. My heart is telling me maybe there is some HOPE for our mother daughter relationship, but my mind is saying NO WAY should I go there--my doctors are aware of the situation and in no way think I should be putting myself in any stressful situations--I took a week to think about it pray about it and discuss it with my sisters, then we met with Susan and Ron, they too have prayed about this situation and confirmed what Heavenly Father has already told me--now is not the time, she is not ready to change her heart--she would like an apology from me---I am not sure exactly what I need to apologize for but I would over and over again if I thought it would help cure and mend her heart. I spiritually, mentally and physically cannot put myself through this again--so for now, again, I turn it over to the Lord and let him take care of what I can't. My thoughts and prayers will continually be with her for her health and spiritual well being.
So with that all being said--I am ready for a vacation from LIFE --we just arrived in Venice and I am excited about our little adventure.

YALE Hospital with Recker

2011-07-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Just finished up a 3 day trip with Kayla Recker and Jeremy. We were at the YALE Hospital research center for Autism. Recker went through quite a bit of testing, he was so good and patient, especially with the time change from Arizona to Connecticut his sleeping pattern was completely off and he was extremely tired throughout the testing. I was able to observe him through a one way mirror as they put him through some intense tests. He yawned and jabbered as they asked him to do tasks, the reason for this was to test his ability to communicate without speaking and what level of understanding he actually has--they also did a speech test, there are no right or wrong answers here--just testing to see what kind of therapy will be best for him--one of the things I loved was how positive all the doctors and therapist were, they focus only on what he CAN do and stayed away from what he can't, just gave us some things to work on with him this next year until he returns. The last test they did on him was a genetics test, he had to give his blood--I stayed in the waiting area knowing I would not be able to handle it, still Kayla and I could here him, it was not fun to listen to. He wanted to rip the Band-Aid off--we let him-- after all they are annoying, I can't stand to have a Band-Aid in the crease of my arm.
The test results will be back in a few weeks until then--life is so happy with this little guy.

Woody was on Mine and Reckers bed when we got back to the Hotel

Lopsided

2011-07-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

A person I work with said this to me the other day "Hey, are your boobs lopsided because of your mastectomy?" I was so embarrassed, especially since it was not a question about breast cancer, it was a question asked in front of 6 or 8 other co-workers about something I have not really cared about, until now. My eyes welled up with tears and I had no immediate response, I just quickly sat in my chair and said "yeah, I guess so" It was difficult for me to finish out my shift without thinking about it. I text my friend Heather (she works with Dr. PK and has been with me since my diagnosis) when I told her what happened, she was so sweet and kind. Heather told me not worry about it, and that I am a beautiful woman, she said "maybe they are jealous" I laughed and said "It was a guy" Now that I've had a few days to ponder it, and take a good look at myself in the mirror--no "they" are not perfect--Dr. Peter Kreymerman said perfection is not going to be achieved. Now I kinda wish I could go back to that person and say "they are not perfect, but I'm ALIVE ..... and to me that is perfection" I really don't think this person was trying to be rude, it hurt to hear, but gave me a chance to reflect. Does it really matter if we are lopsided? So many times in my life I have felt a little lopsided physically and spiritually. I just have to get focused again and remember what is most important, balance in everything is not always going to be achieved however, we always have tomorrow to get back on track, I love that the Lord loves us lopsided or not.

Las Vegas Nationals

2011-07-12T15:23:00.001-07:00

I made a last minute decision and flew to Las Vegas for Dance Nationals..... yes dance. My girls danced for so many years and every year during the summer we would pack up and go to Nationals. This year I decided to go watch all by myself, it was amazing how much more I enjoyed it, I loved to watch my girls dance but being there without any stress or hurry was so much more relaxing. Kaitlyn and Brian were in Las Vegas for the 1st night I was there, we had fun shopping together. The last 2 days I have spent with Mysti, & Timmy Brown--loved, loved, loved watching the choreography talents of Taylor Brown and the beautiful girls and dancers Bryton and Ivy have turned into--I love the Brown family--Mysti has always been a loyal, sweet and giving friend. I really don't particularly love Las Vegas, in fact it is the last place on earth I would choose to go if given a choice....I stayed in the competition the entire time except to eat--there is just not a peaceful feeling in Vegas, I know a lot of people love it here, but it's not for me I almost feel like a fish out of water, I don't gamble, I don't drink and I am definitely not a party girl ---I think I'm kinda boring--ha ha ha

Taylor Myself and Ivy

breakfast with Frank and Susan Brown ♥

Susan, Me and Bryton

Ivy and B

Me and Mysti

You smell good Mysti

she has no idea I'm a weirdo

✭Celebrating our Freedom God Bless the USA ✮

2011-07-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

My cute Hales and I

✭Kayla and I✭

✭Me and Kaitlyn✭

✭Recker, Jeremy and Kayla Roussel✭

✭Eric getting a little crazy in the streets of Mexico✭

✭Chasen and Eric Dancing✭

✭chasen, michael, shelby madison halcomb✭

✭Sand on my towel-thanks Reck✭

✭Recker loves Mango✭

✭Me and Hales✭

✭Recker loves the Ocean and Laffy Taffy✭

✭Recker fell asleep in the Pool with Eric✭

✭Brian and Kaitlyn✭

✭Greg and Lindsey Smart✭

The past few years we have celebrated the 4th of July down in Mexico ✭ Probably seems kinda strange to be celebrating an American Holiday in another country, but we absolutely love it and it's always a huge celebration ✭ The Halcombs are good friends of ours, they too like to celebrate in Mexico so we always have a big bar b que with them, play volleyball, soccer, and of coarse the homerun derby ✭ by the way Teresa and I tied for 1st place this year ✭ those youngsters have nothing on us old women. This year we had 13 people in our condo--Kayla, Jeremy, Recker, Skyler, Jessica, Kaitlyn, Brian, Lindsey, Greg, Haleigh and Emily ✭ Eric and I too ✭

Just Breathe

2011-07-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

Eric and I drove down to Mexico a couple of days ago, I love having alone time with him we laugh a lot, we even cry sometimes together, life is good when I'm with him I feel safe. This morning as I ran (yes I ran) on the beach the sun was just coming up and the cool ocean breeze was hitting me in the face, I had an emotional moment thinking about the journey I've been on. On the way I saw some foot prints in the sand and decided to follow them, I could tell it was a runner by the imprint. Sometimes in Mexico when the water goes out it leaves ripples in the sand--these are hard to run on because it is very uneven I always fear I am going to twist my ankle, when I saw the foot imprints I decided to follow them I could see that this runner knew where to step without twisting an ankle. I followed the prints all the way to the wall -- (a couple miles) it made me think of the people in my life who led the way for me, who have been examples to me, the ones who taught me the gospel. Stan Johnson was my seminary teacher and I learned how to pray to the Lord for help and answers, I also learned how to read the scriptures and love them he taught me life lessons that I still use, I will forever be grateful to him. As I ran I thought about young women's leaders who paved the way for me, their examples of faith taught me to have HOPE. I found myself searching for my foot imprint on the way back so that I could just retrace my steps, to my surprise there were no imprints to follow--I realized I was on my own and I was in some rough sand trudging along, my pace was slowing down and I was really struggling to breath, soon I saw my imprint in the sand, next to my step was baby footprinst--boy that brought me back to my 20's, having children learning how to balance life with children I sometimes got distracted and felt alone, without having a mother to lean on, I looked to women in my life who had already raised their children, maybe I could learn somethings from them, Debbie Slade became an incredible friend to me, I watched Cindy Packard for an example of strength and endurance, Carolei Phelps was a soft and gentle mother I wanted to be more like that, they probably have no idea that I watched them for an example, they inspired me to try harder and endure a little longer. I suddenly realized I was running on some rocks-or maybe they were coral whatever it was it shook me out of those memories and into the present--I turned and looked behind me--I've come a long way but up ahead I have so much further to go--my feet where sinking into the sand and now I was struggling to keep up--just like in life I have been through times when I feel like I am sinking and that maybe I can't make it hoping for some smooth packed sand, it started to rain on my already difficult conditions and I thought to myself "this is perfect" the waters are rough, waves are strong, the sand is sinking me and the wind is blowing against my body. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse I feel the sun peak up and say "hello", the warm on my back put a smile on my face--just like the light of Christ in my life, at times when I have felt defeated and weighed down I know I can get on my knees, get some answers and continue on just as I looked up I could see my finish line for the day-a song by Carrie Underwood came on my IPOD temporary home as I listened to the words, tears came to my eyes, what a great song to end my run with--my life has been filled with distractions, disapointment, failure, and unbelievable pain, however, I have loved, felt love, found joy, and discovered during all these rough times the Lord never left me--this life is all about learning and growing--this time on earth is just temporary this is not where we belong, it's just a stop on the way to where we're all going, now that I know that--I'm not afraid.

No Sugar--WHAT?

2011-06-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so it's been a year since Dr. Northfelt told me to read the book "Anti Cancer" and I decided to give up sugar, white flour and processed food. I know you are probably wondering if I was able to give it all up? I am proud to say, NO ...... I can say honestly that I have given it up about 90% I still allow myself to have a little treat treat, every once in awhile. Do I think it will help? I'm not sure but I did it so that I would have no regrets, if the VILLAIN comes back I can look at myself in the mirror and say "I did all I could to prevent the cancer from coming back" Realistically it's been hard at times to say "NO" but I save up and make sure it's totally worth it before I indulge. Giving up processed food was easier than I thought, since I never really eat a lot of it anyway.

This is how we Roll....

2011-06-23T10:28:00.001-07:00

Recker loves, loves, loves the pool, well actually he just loves water. You may be wondering why he is nakey .... well here at the Williams home we run nakey.... just kidding...on the one day we take him in the pool without his swim diaper on he decides he wanted to go doo doo. So I hurried and took off his swimsuit, got a diaper but in the meantime this is the picture I got. Don't judge.... ha ha
Take a look at his toes, they always slip away in these flip flops, I love the baby Havaianas so cute.

Father's Day 2011

2011-06-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my incredible husband Eric, it's Father's Day today and as I write this I'm thinking of him. I don't have a father to celebrate with, neither does Eric, so we will celebrate with our children.

Eric learned how to be a dad from his own father who was so special to us. Ray passed away a few years ago, and I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart I loved him so much... he truly was the only dad I knew. I felt so blessed when Eric and I started dating to have Ray and Viola in my life, they were true examples of unconditional love, not only for one another but for everyone they came in contact with--I love you both and miss you everyday--If there was one woman I would like to pattern my life after it would be Eric's mother-she showed me how a mother loves her children, and she showed me love every time I was around her. I heard a song the other day, it said something about if going to heaven were easy he would pack up his kids and go visit, I have to agree with that, the 1st people I want to see is Ray and Viola Williams. With parents like Eric had it's no wonder he turned out to be such an amazing husband and father to our children.
Have you ever felt a little proud of a decision you have made? One of the best decisions of my life was marrying Eric, he has blessed our family. My girls adore him, we also get a good laugh at his expense (sorry Eric but you make it so easy sometimes) Blake has grown to respect and admire his dad, not one week has gone by since Blake has been gone that Eric has not written him. Personally, Eric has supported me and loved me unconditionally through my cancer treatments, showing our children how to take care of his wife during such a crisis. Thank you Eric, you have helped to change my life for the better, together we have raised 4 wonderful children and I could not have survived without you. I am blessed to call you the father of our children. Happy Father's Day !!

Today, we had "man food" for dinner--steak, potatoes, asparagus and rolls- and Eric got his 1st pair of TOMS.

Mayo Visit-

2011-06-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Needle for accessing my PORT

I went to Mayo Hospital yesterday for some tests..... still looking at that hip. It's been a year ago this month that I finished up my radiation treatments. One of the doctors told me yesterday that Mayo is building a new radiation department at the Hospital. He was explaining how the new system is so precise, it hits the tumor no matter what size at a 99.9% effectiveness rate, with no room really for error. This is so awesome for the world of cancer. I personally think they are going to have to do something to keep up with the new M.D. Anderson Cancer Center that is opening in the Fall.
Yesterday as I walked into the Mayo Hospital, I felt calm and at peace, until ........ I stepped off the elevator onto the floor, the floor where it all goes down, you know what floor I mean? The chemo floor, it reeked of chemo smell and made me sick to my stomach, as I waited outside the door for my beeper to go off I was pacing and remembering and wishing Tamy was there to help me "get over" this panic attack I was having. I mean seriously? it's been over a year now since I've been done with chemo yet every time I get there I am sick. When I walked into the room my eyes immediately went to a young girl who was having her chemo treatments, she could not of been more than 16-17 years old, my heart started to race as I sat across from her and watched her being injected with that RED dragon. The nurse took my vitals and said I needed to calm down, I thought to myself "I wish I could, I really wish I knew a way to do that" She accessed my port took my blood and I was outta there. When I got to my car I had to take a deep breath and remember where I've been, how far I have come and where I am going--

Chemo Brain

2011-06-13T19:34:00.001-07:00

Physically I feel the best I have felt in 2 years, thank you Heavenly Father, my prayers have been answered. Blake will be home in 3 short months and I want to look healthy for him. My hip pain has subsided, it's really strange, there's a spot on the bone they still are not sure what it is, once I started to exercise again the pain went away. I also started back to US AIRWAYS about 6 weeks ago, seriously I had no idea how smart I used to be.... ha ha! I have chemo brain and forget things all the time, I forget my children's names even when they are looking right at me, I forget simple daily things that should come easy to remember, now that I am back to work I realize how much knowledge I had, being re-trained has been difficult for me, I have to write everything down. Just so you know chemo brain is an actual condition some patients get after going through extensive amounts of chemo... boy, that's good to know I was beginning to think I had the start of something new like Alzheimer's or dementia, those are awful diagnosis to have.
It's fun to see people at work that I have not seen for a long time, some will look at me and say "Oh did you cut your hair?" I just smile and say "why yes, yes I did" I am only working 4 hour shifts a couple days a week, but I am thankful to be back to work and challenge my brain a little. I feel like my life is finally getting back to a "Normal" I can live with.

Nutella Sandwich & the HULK

2011-06-10T18:11:00.002-07:00

What do you get when you mix NUTELLA, ROASTED ALMOND BUTTER & WHOLE WHEAT BREAD? One happy Recker.... He loved it, and wanted more... mix that with a cup of milk, while wearing an INCREDIBLE HULK shirt and you have one smart kid----

Blake in Puerto Plata-3 months left

2011-06-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

Blake with Columbus

Blake's on TEAM MOM YA

Blake and a Cannon

Blake with the other missionaries and the MANGOS

This week has been really hard and really rough the rain hasn't been helping us at all either. It has been pouring down rain and all the streets have turned into little rivers, the water has been getting in all the houses here, we usually get to the house soaked in water. i am againt umbrellas the first one i had was the last one I that i had, I told myself that i was not going to use another one i love the rain sometimes haha. Well this last week for P-Day we hiked this mountain and really hiked it something new we went and hiked this mountain the biggest mountain here it took 6 hours in the rain too. Iit was soo muddy the whole zone went it got rough cuz there were parts that we were jumping and hanging on to roots and branches and trees to safe our lives haha and this 15 foot straight up rockwall we had to climb but we had to use the roots of the trees and the branches cuz we made our own trail from the bottom it was soo fun. In the wild there are so many wild mango trees bananas and everything we ate soo many it was a lot of fun i fell down this muddy mountain like 30 feet rolling backwards with another dominican cuz i was pulling myself up from his foot and tthe branch he was holding broke off and we went flying down i nailed my head. When I finally realized what was going on and grabbed a banana tree and stopped me and the nhe came rolling down and nailed me and this 30 foot muddy part we climbed took like 45 min......but we finally did it and made it to the top we couldnt take pictures cuz it was all raining but it was fun a lot of energy was sucked out of me.....and today we went to this place where Christopher Columbus was when he came here and its just a sweet fort with cannons and everything it was a lot of fun......well we have put a baptisimal date with the family Diaz and its for the 18th of this months so we are trying all that we can to get them married so they can finally get baptized and can achieve one of their goals we have been working really hard to find new people its really hard here cuz of all the churches that are here but theres people waiting for us we were able to find this new family Carlos and Yanni and they are really religious people and love it everytiem we go there and they read what we leave the mand as well are praying and the wife said that before he never prayed but now he is and he and her said that they want to go to church they have 6 kids so its a big family.......well we are going to try and baptize thsi guys David this weekend he is the bishops dad he has been listening to the missionaries for 10 years and goes to church every week but i have realized he doesnt have a testimony of the BOM o the restoration and we have been working a lot with that but who knows his whole family is member even his wife shes gone trough the temple she lives in Florida

I LOVE YOU GUYSSS AND MISS YOU ALOT

elderWILLIAMSSS

Recker is Accepted to YALE

2011-06-08T10:38:00.004-07:00

Recker is the 1st in our family 
to be accepted to an Ivy League 
College, wow and he's only 18 months 
old--I told you he was smart,
fun and happy---- Ok to be honest 
he was accepted to the  Yale Autism child 
study center. Kayla had a 2 hour interview over the
 phone with them last week about them wanting to do 
a research study on Recker. We have been praying 
for our little Recker,and even fasted for him Sunday. 
They will do an intense 2 day study, and will write 
up an average 50 page reccomendation and review for 
them. It will include what we should do, intervention 
and therapy wise, for him for the next couple years. 
Then between the ages of 3-4 we come back and do it 
again, then again from the ages of 8-9. It is so hard 
for a lot of peopleto get into this program/study and 
usually have to pay close to $5000 because insurances 
wont cover it. BUT because Recker is so young and we 
caught it so early, we will actually be compensated 
from YALE (not $5000, not even close...but its better 
than having to PAY THEM) each time we go. Anyways we will 
be going July......YES I said "WE"  I get to go too, 
I'm so excited that they are including me and since I
 fly for free it helps out.I took all this information
 off of Kayla's blog-

"The Yale Child Study Center's Developmental Disabilities Clinic provides a 
range of services for children with pervasive developmental disorders. This clinic 
builds on a long tradition of research and service at Yale for children and adolescents
 with autism and related disorders and their families. Comprehensive evaluations
 are provided by a multidisciplinary team of highly experienced clinicians. These
 evaluations take place at the Child Study Center over a two-day period, and focus 
on issues of diagnosis and educational programming/intervention. Each evaluation
 has three components: psychological testing, speech-language testing, and a psychiatric assessment. The assessment team works together to provide a report which is typically
 provided ten to twelve weeks after the assessment. A significant portion of the report is
 devoted to recommendations for intervention and educational planning. Depending 
on the needs in a specific case, referrals to other professionals, e.g., pediatric neurologists 
or geneticists, can be provided."

GO BULLDOGS !!!!

"in addition to our long-standing clinical program for children
with developmental disorders such as Autism and Asperger
syndrome, the Yale Child Study Center is one of the foremost
research centers for autism spectrum disorders
in the world. Several of our active protocols involve an
assessment of your child's cognitive functioning and social
communication characteristics. The assessment, an oral
feedback, and written report are provided to research
participants. The assessment is tailored to the research protocol
but may be able to start you on
your way while you still pursue a more tailored evaluation for
your child through clinic."

30 Year Class Reunion

2011-06-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Seriously? I am not this old, am I? It seems the years have just flown by, I still feel young, however, I would never want to go back to those High School years and do it over again. I was a good girl, if I knew then what I know now I may have done a few things different....like study harder, taken advice from adults who I admired, and been more kind and compassionate. I was offered several times an alcoholic drink at the reunion, when I refused one guy said "You still don't drink?" I said proudly "Never have and never will" I have never been tempted by alcohol or drugs, I wonder sometimes if it is because of having a father who was both addicted to alcohol and drugs, and he regretted it, those things are what eventually took his life. Eric and I have had friends who order a glass of wine when we go out to dinner but neither one of us have ever been tempted nor offended when they do. I remember in High School the kids who "partied" would ask me to come and quickly tell me they would provide "sprite or 7-Up" I never went to any of those parties, I always hung with the kids who had the same standards as me and believe it or not, we had just as much fun or more fun than those who "partied" It was interesting to see the changes in people's lives as I mingled with my classmates, some made no changes at all , still the same hair style, same personalities, same clothes, but we all had one thing in common-seems everyone I talked to were grateful for family and for experiences that have brought them to the place they are now. This night just reassured me of who I am, where I've been and where I want to be in another 30 years.

Recker is the Man

2011-06-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

I seriously cannot get enough of this little guy, look at him he makes me laugh, smile, cry and rejoice we are so blessed to be able to say he is a huge part of our family. Recker love, I love you so much.

He is so Happy

2011-05-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

Recker did NOT drink this Coke

He loves MANGO

Recker loves his daddy, but didn't love being buried

Recker and the Whale

It's not very often that we get our entire family together for vacation, (with exception of Blake) it seems with work and school schedules it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Today Kayla, Jeremy, Recker, Kaitlyn, Brian and Haleigh all left to go home, Eric and I will be staying in Mexico a few more days. I especially loved having Recker here with us, that sweet little angel boy loves the outdoors (Just like his uncle Blake) One night Eric and I let him wonder down the beach while we walked close behind counting as he picked up a rock/shell he found, I counted him pick it up and throw it back down 256 times. He was in his own little world as he jabbered, ran, walked and discovered new things along the shore line. Every once in a while he would look for me to make sure I was within his eye sight, an occasional grin and hug to acknowledge me then off again he would go in and out of the water up and down the beach, picking up sand and throwing it back into the ocean, I wondered what it is that his little mind is thinking, wishing there was something I could do to understand and help him. I think one of the things that every parent wants for their children is for them to be happy, to truly find happiness in their life, as I watched Recker play I realized he is so happy.

BonBon Recker and Grandad

Autism and Angels

2011-05-24T21:01:00.005-07:00

I love this picture of Recker

Our sweet grandson Recker was diagnosed with Autism yesterday. I've had a feeling for a few months that something was not right with him, then when I had to fill out all the paperwork from Phoenix Childrens Hospital, I knew, there it was on paper all of the symptoms that I've seen him do day after day while he's in my care, still I was praying for a different outcome. I know it must of been heartbreaking for Kayla and Jeremy to hear, it brought back memories of being diagnosed with cancer and feeling so numb and helpless, thinking where do we go from here? I have no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father has been preparing Kayla for this, she works at Highland Park Elementary School, her job is to work with handicapped children including several with Austism. Recker is only 17 months old, with being diagnosed so young... in fact he is the youngest his doctor has ever diagnosed he has a chance of getting therapy early, helping his chances to have a normal life. There are no guarantees, praying is all we can do right now, I have FAITH and HOPE in our little Reck's future. I personally believe he is going to have an incredible life full of happiness and joy. The Lord has a special place in Heaven for this little guy, and I know there are some things I should work on so that when my time comes I too will be in Heaven with Recker.
Today as I watch him innocently playing, and enjoying life as he knows it, I realized how blessed I am to have the opportunity to be his bonbon, to get to spend so much time with him. Recker literally has been with me since he was born at least 5-6 days a week, during the time I was going through chemo he saved me sometimes from wanting to be done with life in general. He has brought so much joy to my life, our entire family adores him and gets so excited when Kayla and Jeremy come over with him, on Saturdays when they spend time as a family I miss him, and sometimes will call them to ask if he can play. Today when he fell asleep on my bed next to me I couldn't help but shed a few tears, more for the unknown than anything else. I could see the bruising on his arms from where they took 6 viles of blood, he ripped the needle out of his arm, it took 3 adults to hold him down, they finally were able to get the blood from the top of his hand, he has no idea what is going on, he never really will and I think that is such a blessing. He is one special little angel, and again we are so blessed to have him in our family.

Where I Grew Up

2011-05-18T20:06:00.006-07:00

House on Highland

I was not blessed as a child to grow up in the same house for all of my years. Recently I drove by the houses, we called "home" in Phoenix. Floods of memories came back to me, the house I lived in during my elementary school years looked so small to me now, across the street was the Solice family. I was in 2nd grade throwing the football back and forth with the Solice children when the football exploded in my arms and immediately broke my eardrum, I remember my mom grabbing me and hugging me tight as I cried from the pain. I endured many many surgeries on my right ear. Previous to the football explosion I had a blow to the ear, my birth father was drunk and hit me one night when I was 2 or 3 years old, I am now deaf in that ear. In this house my step brothers and sisters were taken from school one day by their mother, she drove them to California and I never saw them again. I remember my sisters and I throwing toilet paper all over the yard and trees the night my mom gave birth to my little brother Lance. One of the scariest things that has ever happened to me happened here, my mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen, I was sitting at the little table I looked up and there standing in the middle of our kitchen behind my mom was a child, not just any child she never came out during the day, she had what seemed to be transparent pink skin, extremely white Afro hair, even more white than mine was and her eyes were red, she looked right at my mom and asked if I could play with her. I later found out she was an albino of African decent, we became friends and then one day she was gone, I wonder now as I think back about that day, where she is, who she became, where she grew up. Then I realize in this house there are memories, but this is not where I grew up.

51st avenue house

I actually drove past our house on 51st avenue several times before I recognized it, then I sat in my car for a long time in front of the house, this was my junior high years, down the street was the Hulshoff family. In the summer months I remember playing kick the can and hide and seek with them every night, I had my 1st kiss on this street with a boy named Eric. I'll never forget the day Elvis Presley died my mom cried like a baby, I remember learning how to mow the lawn here, pull weeds here and get grounded for lint balls being left behind on the carpet after vacuuming. I don't want to look at this house, this is the house where bad things happened, this is the house where I was forced to choose between sparing my mom's feelings and my step dad's desires. The tears are flowing as I look at the bedroom window (on the left) where I lived, so many times I wanted to jump out that window and run, run and never look back. This house is filled with horrid memories, but this is not where I grew up.

79th avenue house

Driving towards our house off of 79th avenue I was shaking, actually not knowing if I could do this, and why was I doing this? I turned in and on the left was Sara's house she lived behind us, up ahead was Susan's house. Driving towards my house I was overwhelmed with emotions, this was the house I lived in during my High school and young adults years. I could just see my white 65 mustang parked out front, I smiled thinking about the memories my friends and I had in that car. On the front lawn is where I took pictures in my cap and gown on graduation night from Alhambra High school 1981, little did I know just a few short years later in this very house my brother Lance would die, he was only 15 years old. I will never forget that cold November morning. I wonder if the people living here now know what a special spirit lived in that house, we all loved Lance so much. I miss him. I met my husband Eric while I lived in this house, he was the 1st person to ever say "I love You", I fell in love with him while I lived in this house. I knelt and prayed at my bedside sometimes for hours, begging the Lord to help me SURVIVE. I made promises with the Lord, I promised HIM if he would help me get out of this house I would promise to always keep the Gospel in my life, and try my hardest to be good. Now looking back I realize the Lord kept his promises to me, and understanding the Atonement a little better than I did back then I know all things happen for a reason. In this house is where I first new the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, that HE loved me, even if I felt no one else did, HE DID. As I stare at this house I cannot help but remember so many bad memories, there was not a lot of love in this home, there was abuse verbally, physically, mentally and sexually yet through it all I knew that it was just a small chapter of my life, I some how knew good things were yet to come for me, and believe it or not this is not where I grew up. As I drove away I looked in the rear view mirror, thinking good-bye and good riddance I will never come back hear again, but the memories will never fade.

Our Home on Seneca in Chandler

On my way home I decided to drive by the homes Eric and I have lived in, I wanted to write down the memories I felt at each one of those homes also. In Chandler Arizona there is a house where Eric and I brought home Kayla and Blake from the hospital after giving birth. In this home we laughed, cried and loved together, in this home I worked hard at learning how to be a wife and mother, I always felt like I was still not good enough. In this home I learned to cook, clean and be responsible not only for myself but now for a family. I remember one night a cricket was just outside our bedroom window and I went outside searching, determined to get "rid" of it. In this home I was so busy with being a mother I failed to read my scriptures like I should, I compared myself to other mothers and wives I let the world define "motherhood" I struggled with self esteem. I attended the Temple once a week with Eric's dad for over a year so that I could learn more. We met Tom and Tamy Scheurn, she became a great friend and sister in the gospel. Still as I stare at this home thinking about the memories I know this is not where I grew up either.

Our Home on Cove in the Islands

One more stop before getting home, the Islands. In this home we welcomed Kaitlyn and Haleigh to our family. In this home I still continued on my quest to do everything "right" I wanted to be like sister "perfect" you know the one ... she gets up at the crack of dawn grinds her own wheat, bakes her homemade bread, picks fruit off her own trees and makes jams and jellies, makes breakfast for her family, has family scriptures and prayer, having FHE was a priority, visits the sick with a prepared meal, and looking impeccable on Sundays was a must, all children matched clothes on Holidays such as Christmas and Easter, and although these things are admirable, I realized while living in this home I needed to want to do these things because it would enhance and bless our life, not because everyone else was doing it. In this home Kayla broke her arm and had to have surgery, Blake broke his arm and several other bones jumping off everything he could climb on. Eric and I met Mike and Jenny Scow, they have become forever friends, we celebrated my 30th birthday with Jenny and Mike while living in this home. In this home is where I realized a dad should have respect and compassion for his children, I learned this by watching Eric with our children. I learned that I was not living in reality and it was time to face it, a year later I confronted my step dad about my abuse, he denied it, my mother denied it and ultimately walked away from her children and grandchildren. In this home was the darkest time of my life, the guilt I felt for breaking up our "Eternal Family" was so overwhelming I went into a deep depression, but still this is not the home where I grew up.

Where we live now in Gilbert on Poinciana

Leaving the Islands we moved into the home we are in now, still I was broken, my heart ached for my mom I wanted that relationship to be mended, I tried so many times and every time I came away even more hurt than the time before, I once sat in a fetal position by the front door crying until Eric got home because I was so upset about my mom. Debbie Slade became a dear friend and helped me through some pretty rough times, she called David LeSueur who at the time was our Stake President, he layed his hands on my head and gave me a blessing that I will never forget, a blessing to be able to find peace in my heart, from that day on I began to heal from my past, finally realizing none of what happened was my fault, finally for the 1st time in my life I felt at peace with my decisions. Haleigh was in the nursery, only 18 months old when we moved here, all of my children were baptized on their birthdays while living in this home. In this home I raised my voice way too much trying to deal with being the mother of teens. I began looking to other woman for inspiration, advice, love and recipes, I seriously hated that I could not just get on the phone and call mom for those things. In this home I watched our children face challenges, I spent and spend many many hours on knees praying individually for my children to understand the importance of obedience. I learned the importance of saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" We took pictures of each one of our children going to Prom, they all graduated from Highland High School while we've lived here. Kayla and Jeremy were married and had their reception in our backyard. Eric and I gathered our children and son in law together at our kitchen table to break the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, 6 weeks later I sent my son off to the Dominican Republic so he could full fill his dream of serving the Lord on a 2 year mission, I went through a double mastectomy, was told my cancer had spread, endured another surgery to have the lymph nodes removed, had another reception in our backyard for Kaitlyn and Brian, started chemo 2 days later, the next month our 1st grandchild was born, followed by radiation and another few surgeries. It was not until I went through my cancer treatments that I finally realized how much Eric loves me, how much love I have to give and most important how much my Heavenly Father loves me and has been with me for every step of my life decisions. I know HE lives, this is something I am completely sure of, I can now see the times when he carried me and literally pulled me out of overwhelming situations, but still this is not where I grew up.

During my short 48 years on this earth I have learned that a House is just a structure built of wood or stone to create 4 walls and a roof. What truly makes a HOME is the love, compassion, respect, laughter, joy and enduring the trials a family goes through together. A HOME is where a child should not be afraid to live, every person in that HOME deserves to be listened to, and hugged. Every member of that family needs to know they are loved, especially by their mom and dad, everyday they should hear those words. I wish I had been taught this as a child. I wish I had lowered my voice and softened my heart when my teens were struggling, knowing this now surely makes me want to be a better mother, wife, and grandmother, this is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, no matter what age we figure all this out, it's never too late, HE loves us all THAT much.

The Beautiful Mesa Arizona Temple

It is here that I grew up, in the Temple of the Lord. In this Temple is where I searched my heart and soul and found answers to life's scariest questions. Who am I really? What defines me as a woman? What and who are the most important in my life? Have I done all I can do to be the kind of person the Lord will be proud of? What can I do to make life better for someone else? I learned here that I am a daughter of God, that HE knows me by name and wants nothing but happiness for me, and that it is up to me to decide how I will obtain that happiness. In this Temple is where I discovered my true identity and it had nothing to do with the size of our home, how much money my husband makes, the style of clothes I wear, or the car I drive. This is where I learned to listen to the spirit for my answers and guidance. I also learned how to forgive, truly forgive those who have offended me. For me the answers came at different times in my life, when the Lord knew I was ready to hear the answers, when it was my season to learn what I needed to learn. I learned to let the Lord work things out, to put things in his hands and if I am doing all I can do to be more like him, whether in this life or the next it will all work out.

Happy Birthday Eric

2011-05-16T21:54:00.001-07:00

Today is Eric's Birthday, when I asked him what he wanted to do, or wanted me to make for dinner his reply was "taco salad, and German Chocolate Cake" WOW that was easy. I love you so much Eric, you deserve to have a great birthday. Thank you for all you do for our family.

MommyMomMaMamaMother=Maid

2011-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

Me and Hales

Me and Kayla

Brian Me and Jeremy

Eric and I

Me and Katilyn

Today is Mother's Day, I woke up so excited to get to talk to Blake, but if I'm completely honest that excitement was quickly replaced with a little resentment and anger. I came down stairs and the kitchen was a mess, I had to hand wash 2 sinks full of dirty dishes ...... really? I opened the shutters in my kitchen hoping the sunshine would bring some light into my soul Uh, didn't work the more I washed the more angry I got, I guess you could say I was expecting to not be the maid today. I expressed myself to one of my children, (by the way this was my 1st of many mistakes today)
Ryan Durfee spoke in Sacrament today, homecoming from his Brazilian mission. My heart began to soften as he spoke of his mother, and of the sacrifice so many mothers make for their children. My mind starting thinking about my own mother, I wonder what she is doing today? I wonder if she wishes she had 2 sinks full of dishes she could do? Wow, how could I be so upset this morning over something so small and insignificant? The truth is being a mother is hard, I can honestly say I have not felt like I did this morning in over 2 years. I realize now that the adversary tries so hard to break up families, in contentious times there can be no light, only darkness and that is how I felt this morning it was awful. Tears filled my eyes as Brother Phelps began playing "The Spirit of God" (the traditional closing song in our ward when RM's give their talk) I could feel the music in my heart (literally) it was so loud the Bishops son was sitting in front me plugging his ears, Brother Phelps never disappoints, the right music always, without fail brings the spirit to my soul. I'm grateful for the Atonement in my life, I love the knowledge I have that I can renew my covenants I have made with the Lord every Sunday during Sacrament and ask for forgiveness for the little things I've done during the week, the things I need to work on.
I'm ending this Mothers Day tonight with gladness in my heart and thankfulness for the children my Heavenly Father has entrusted me with. Blake brought joy and happiness into our home today as he spoke to each one of us, I told him as I hung up how much I loved him, and that the next time we talk I will be hugging him-only 4 months left. Kayla and Jeremy came over and made dinner, Kayla is such a great mom and Jeremy has been a loving and supportive husband and now daddy. Haleigh, is so sweet to me and I love just to sit and listen to her, she is wise beyond her years spiritually. Kaitlyn is most like her mother, and I'm not sure if that is good or bad, but I do know that she has a deep strong testimony of God, that I cannot take any credit for she has found the answers all on her own. Brian was so sweet to today right before the Sacrament he handed me a copy of his Patriarchal Blessing, I asked if he wanted me to read it and he nodded "yes" He has been promised some specific blessings, after reading his blessing I have thought about it all day, I realized tonight his blessing is detailed and more specific to him than any blessing I have ever read. I was honored that he allowed me to read such a special blessing, he is the best man, Kailtyn could have chosen for a husband.
As I kneel to say my personal prayers tonight I am especially thankful for the opportunity I have had so far in my life to be a mother, times are not always easy, choices are not always black and white, tempers sometimes get in the way of allowing a family to grow to it's potential, but the good news is that we (I) can try harder tomorrow to be better than I was today. I love being a mother, it's the most rewarding and spiritual experience I have ever had... I love you Kayla, Blake, Kaitlyn and Haleigh more than you will ever know, please be patient with me, I'm still learning and more good news is that you will have the opportunity to be a better parent than I have been to your children.

Tennis-LOVE=0

2011-05-04T23:17:00.001-07:00

Tonight was so fun, I felt like BOB from the movie "What about Bob?" you know when he sailed for the 1st time? he was tied onto the front of the boat yelling "I sail, I'm a sailor" if you haven't seen that movie this will not be very funny to you, however, I have seen it and tonight "I played Tennis, I'm a Tennis player" We are a tennis playing family now, Eric got Tennis rackets for the family breast cancer rackets and balls for the girls, cute huh? Eric and Brian are the only "good" players. Eric played on the Highschool Tennis team and I always made fun of him UNTIL .... tonight, it's a fun but a lot more of a workout then I thought it would be. Eric has a killer serve, Brian can keep up with him he's really good also.
I'm 48 years old and just now trying a new sport, tennis is something I have always wanted to play until tonight I never knew any rules and never understood the whole LOVE thing in the scoring, but now I do.

Life is so short, don't wait until you are 48 to try something new, do it now, take that trip you've always wanted to, run that marathon now, learn to do anything you've never done before, it will amaze you what you can accomplish..... I stink at Tennis but I don't care, it was so fun, and I will do it again soon.

Blake in Puerto Plata

2011-05-03T20:57:00.003-07:00

I have had so much going on this past week, I am just now getting to post the email and pictures I received last Wednesday from Blake. He is in a new area called Puerto Plata, he loves it but had a difficult time leaving his last area.

This week we had a baptism, this little girl thats a member of this family we are going to baptize but we are waiting on the documents for the parents to get married so we just baptized the girl first..this family is really sweet the wife has gone to church soo\ much shes like a member but the husband hasn't gone he says when he gets married hes going to start to go.
Here in Puerto Plata the things are good, Trying hard to find people to teach. Most are just young single women, and we have been looking for families. This last week has been hard cuz it was Semana Santa, Holy Week and no one was in their houses cuz they all leave for the week and visit family and yea so it was so hard this last week to find people but we did have a really cool expierience we found this less active who used to be President of the Disctrict, President of the Branch and has had almost every calling and now is less active and we shared with him about the Book of Mormon and he was telling me he knows that the church is true and stuff like that and i shared with him my testimony and i told him how horrible i felt when he told me he was president of the district and has gone through the Temple and now is less active. I got really sad, and told him i told him to sit there and think about all the Covenants he has made with the Lord and we sat there for like 5 minutes without saying a word and he got really teary eyed and told us how horrible he felt and how he has a problem with alcohol. I told him a story that happen to me one time before the misison well I told him a story but didn't tell him it was me. I told him about this kid that had so many problems and did so much stuff, but changed his life around for the Lord, he just thought it was someone else and he was really touched. i really hope that this guy can get backl to church it makes me so sad to think that there are people that have had the conviction and testimony and still reject the gospel
today we went to the beach and messed around we had a old jeep theres this member that is canadian (but doesnt know english) and he showed us around this resort and hotel where he lives and works so we messed around theer the whole time it was so sweet. im starting to like it here its just been a little rough when we dont have more than 5 investigators haha but thats why President sent me here so we can find more and i can leave this area 10 times better than it was.

Relay for Life-2011

2011-05-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

We continued our tradition this year as a family and participated in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life in Gilbert. Last year I was still in treatment and not feeling too well when I went, but remember being so grateful that I did. This year the feelings of gratefulness were the same, however, my health is so much better and I was able to really enjoy it. I have the greatest family ever, they celebrated with TEAM MONYA and supported me through so much-I love them all-

Hold on, the light will come

2011-05-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world Tanner Justen Watkins

Today my nephew Justen and Courtney had their baby blessed. Jeremy drove Kayla, Brian & Kaitlyn, Recker and myself to Phoenix so we could be there. All of my nephews are special to me, Justen was the 1st born to my sister Sonya, I was just a teenager and I loved it. I would drive to her house and pick him up to take him for ice cream or candy, now he is a man in medical school and married with his own 1st born Tanner Justen Watkins.
I was kinda shocked when I walked in and Susan Lundberg (one of my mom's friends) approached me with her beautiful smile and embracing hug. I said "I didn't know you and Ron were in this ward" she said "we're not, we brought your mom to the blessing, Justen invited her" my heart started to beat faster and harder, I looked to my right and there she was sitting only 2 chairs away from me. Not knowing exactly how to react to that, I asked how she was doing, Susan said she had some health issues and was going to be having foot surgery soon. I think my mind was racing as fast as my heart was, I have not seen her since Gary died a few years ago, and I was so hurt by her I never thought I would see her again, and to be quite honest I was OK with that. I have tried and failed so many times to heal the hurt that has penetrated my heart and soul over the years, I finally just came to the realization that the Lord needs to be in charge, HE would resolve these issues but not until death. When I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN my sister Sonya tried to keep her updated but once again that communication failed. Now here she is sitting within a few feet of me, I looked over to her and she smiled and waved. I told Susan I wanted to go say Hi to her sweet husband Ron, so I got up and walked over to him, have him a hug and he whispered to me "how does this feel?" I replied "very awkward" he and I chatted for a few minutes, I seriously love Ron his heart is kind and compassionate. I then did something I never thought would ever happen in my lifetime I leaned down and hugged my mom, when I did she whispered in my ear "I love you" I replied "I love you too" this was the most uncomfortable I think I have ever felt in my life. Never, ever has my mother said "I love you" to me. I wondered if her heart was softened, if she really meant it, was it as hard for her to say to me as I think it was? She had tears in her eyes and for the 1st time, I could see some regret, her grandchildren were sitting next to her and she had no idea who they were, now she has 2 great grand children, in all these years (19) she has missed so much. As the meeting started I could not keep my eyes off of her, tears filled my eyes too, I have to believe the Lord was trying to teach me something today, again I heard HIM say quietly to me, like He has done so many times "be still, know that I am God" I'm not sure what today was supposed to teach me, I'm not sure that I am even supposed to do anything with this information, but I do KNOW one thing for sure, the spirit was whispering to me, and if it was only to teach me a little more about forgiveness and the Atonement of Jesus Christ it was worth it, that message was so clear to me. Just as Brent Slade sings in the song Hold On.... "the answers never come without a fight, and when it seems you struggled far too long, just hold on there will be light"

Royal Wedding-April 29th 2011

2011-04-30T05:12:00.002-07:00

This morning was the ROYAL WEDDING of Prince William and Kate Middleton, I was up and getting ready for work when Eric came from downstairs and said he just watched the wedding, all TV's were tuned in at our house. I remember watching as Prince William's mother and father were married in 1981, it seemed like a fairy tale, except they didn't live happily ever after. All week I've listened as the news announcers have talked about Kate "getting" her prince, and that this is every little girls dream. It actually bothers me when I hear them say it, because I believe Prince William is "getting" a princess. It goes both ways, every Prince has a Princess by his side right? You don't have to be Royalty to find a Prince or Princess. The actual wedding ceremony I found to be pretty boring, I loved when Prince Williams mouthed to Kate "you look beautiful" every girl wants to hear that on her wedding day from the man she is about to marry, it was sweet.

and now for the most entertaining part for me...THE HATS.... the British are known for their hat wearing but seriously, it is a requirement? wearing one of those hats would be a deal breaker for me.

I am an ATHLETE

2011-04-27T23:48:00.001-07:00

Tonight Brian and Kaitlyn invited me to come along with them while they played Tennis at Highland High, I put on my running shoes and decided I would try to walk a lap or two while they played tennis. Knowing full well that my hip would probably not allow me to even walk one lap without being in too much pain, I ventured out with headphones on Mindy Gledhill. What an overwhelming flood of emotions I felt as I stepped onto the running track. I was thinking about and comparing this moment to an artist with a brand new clean canvas, not exactly knowing what the finished product will be, I too am not quite sure what I can accomplish tonight however, I have to take the first step and pray it will turn out to be a success.
There were 4 woman walking together and enjoying each other's company when they passed me up, I said to myself "Oh Heck No... they are not going to pass me" so I stepped up my pace, the 1st lap I cried like a baby, I did it, I walked an entire lap and had virtually no pain. Going into the 2nd lap I looked up into the stands and remembered a year ago sitting on those benches, bald as a cue ball, but proud as I watched my baby girl graduate from High school. It's amazing what we can learn about ourselves in just one year, and how much has changed. I can honestly say I would not change anything, my life is where I want it to be right now. When I think about the times I have begged and plead with the Lord to please let me have peace in my soul, to let me accept whatever plan HE has for me, I get tears in my eyes, and tonight as I was walking all of these thoughts were going through my head, before I knew it I was finishing 4 laps (one mile) this 4th lap as I crossed the line I not only had tears rolling down my cheeks I had the biggest smile on my face. With my thoughts all over the place I had finished a mile and not even realized it, I was not going to stop now, this is the best therapy I could have given myself tonight. I watched a younger man doing sprints, if I'm completely honest with myself .... I was jealous, I love sprints. This makes me think about cancer again, it's not a sprint, it has definitely been a marathon, one that I hope to finish with dignity, hopefully I can teach my children something from what I have learned. I wonder, do they know how much I love them? Do they understand that it is never OK to give up? There were times in my life when I felt like I was in a drought feeling completely defeated, needing something or someone to fill my cup , and HE always came for me, picked me up and held me HE actually changed my life forever. I am totally aware that I just finished 8 laps (2 miles)... are you kidding me right now?
All about your Heart by Mindy Gledhill came on the IPOD, perfect timing as she sang the words
"Oh I've loved you from the start, in every single way, and more each passing day, you are brighter than the stars, believe me when I say, it's not about your scars, it's all about your heart"
I smiled big, knowing my Heavenly Father loves me just like that, no scars, physical, mental or spiritual will ever keep HIM from loving me. How privileged I am to have this knowledge. I suddenly get this surge of energy and decided to run, my legs were actually picking up pace and I was running. This track makes me feel at home, it feels right and comfortable, this is a place where I can think clearly. I have not felt this free in so long, I am kicking cancer butt and it feels good, still I know there is so much more to learn so much more I want to accomplish in my life, and I owe so much to the Lord for seeing me through the toughest times of my life, it's time for me to give it back, time to move forward finally I feel like I can be true to myself, all the baggage is gone, service to others is constantly on my mind as I finish RUNNING the 10th lap. I was thinking about all the hats I wore during chemo and after as my hair began to grow back, I cleaned them all out of my closet tonight and wondered what to do with them, I have a few ideas, honestly those hats represent so much more than I can explain in words, today has been emotional and finishing 12 laps (3 miles) I raised my hands in the air as if I was crossing the finish line in a great victory, all by myself I celebrated with tears of joy. I'm pretty sure tomorrow I will have some regrets but for now I am so happy, oh and one more thought, my boobs did not hurt when I ran, that might sound a little weird but 2 years ago when I ran they were too big and they hurt, thank you
Dr. Kreymerman... ha ha ha I came to the conclusion tonight that I am an ATHLETE, it is my passion and that has not changed. I am so grateful for this time I had tonight alone in my thoughts, happy for what I accomplished not only on the track but for realizing it's OK to shed a tear or two for seeing where my life has been, what I've learned and where I want it to go.

Easter 2011

2011-04-25T00:05:00.001-07:00

One more Holiday gone, closer to the day Blake returns from his mission. I mailed off an Easter Basket this week to him, along with a new pair of shoes some Scotcheroos (his favorite and by his request) I'm pretty sure by the time those got to the DR they were a pretty melted mess. It's really hard to believe I will be speaking to him again in 2 weeks on Mother's Day, then in a few short months he will be home.
I have always loved this time of year, Spring time in Arizona is beautiful and I love the feeling of family together and sharing in the knowledge we have of the Savior's love for us. I was blessed to have the opportunity to sing with the choir today in Sacrament. The song we sang was I Believe In Christ, the arrangement was absolutely beautiful and with Stephen Phelps at the organ it moved me to tears along with so many others who were in attendance. The Bishop asked 2 of my favorite people in the world to stand up and bear testimony today. Cindy Packard, I adore her, she lights up a room when she walks in, not only is she a spiritual giant with a testimony of Christ, she is down to earth and a woman who knows the importance of laughter and eternal families. Her testimony today touched my heart and soul, I love her. Stephen Phelps another one of my favorite people, quiet and reserved yet strong and poised. The testimony that came out of his heart today touched me and again I was moved to tears. He talked about moving forward, knowing none of us are perfect, the importance of having a knowledge of the Atonement, one of the things he said today is something I have always told my children "it does not matter how you start the race it's how you finish that matters" we are all going to make mistakes, we just need to keep moving forward and trying our hardest to be the best we can be. I left Church today feeling like my cup was filled, the sacred gifts that were shared today helped me understand just a little bit more of who I am and the person I want to be. I believe in Christ and I know the greatest gift that has ever been given was the gift of the Atonement.

Now for the fun part of the Easter Holiday....... family, and when I say family I basically mean Recker... we all enjoyed so much watching in his delight as he ate a whole sucker from his Easter basket. We wanted him so badly to hunt for those eggs, I think we still need another year for that to happen, still we all loved watching him pick up the plastic eggs off the grass and put them in his basket. I miss those days with my children, this is a new chapter for Eric and I, grandchildren are the best.

Boys and Girls

2011-04-18T22:26:00.001-07:00

Recker is getting bigger everyday, this week I have observed him when I take him to the park, play areas, or when we went to dinner the other night at Joe's Farm Grill for Jeremy's birthday. The rest of my family was waiting in line (over an hour) and I decided to take Recker out in the yard and play while they wait. I definetely got the better end of the deal... as I observed Recker and the other children playing, I could see such a difference between the boys and girls. Recker loves to pick up rocks and throw them, he loves to dig his hands into the dirt, shuffle his feet through the dirt and make dirt clouds, he watched some older boys playing with a football and wanted to be a part of it, he tried to pick up a spider, I had to intercept that one. I took him over to a grassy area where the other children where playing, this is when I took note of the differences between boys and girls, even at this young age. I loved watching the little girls playing together so nicely, sitting on the grass looking at each others toys and quietly playing "pretend" the girls were a bit older than Recker however, the difference just in gender was so obvious. These girls are all dressed in pink, hair curled and some type of bow in their hair, I watched them hold hands and play a game together, when one of the girls fell and hit the grass she immediately got up and brushed off any evidence of dirt or grass that my have been left behind. Clearly the boys were rolling in the dirt, it was all I could do to keep Recker out of a mud hole.

I truly believe that all children come to earth with these special spirits, each with their own unique personality. Heavenly Father created boys and girls obviously physically different for a reason, but to watch the difference in their spirits, it hit me that HIS plan is perfect, it's perfect in every way from the time we are conceived until the day we return home to HIM, there is a plan, it is definitely not by coincidence that the genders are so different.